Haven't posted in awhile. It's been 1 step forward, 2 steps back over the past year. What finally brought me to me knees was reviewing my journal over the past 10 years and seeing the pattern with my AH over all that time. It is so easy so lull myself into a false security when I think "well, it hasn't been that long"...and "he's working on it for real this time"...you get the idea. Hard to be in denial when your own words are staring back at you and telling you the dance has gone on and on and is progressively getting worse.
After a brutal Christmas season where the demon Alcohol was so boldly and defiantly in my face, I am finally and gratefully at acceptance. I went to 2 F2F meetings this week. I tried to speak at both, fell to pieces, and after the second one, had a panic attack as I practically ran to the safety of my car. The people there were so warm and their presence so comforting that I know I will go back. I will say, however, that everyone there seemed to be so far ahead of me that I felt like a fragile, incoherent bundle of nerves. I know it will get better - can't get worse - but I want to ask all of you: how do I proceed? Just keep going and wait for the changes? Try to get a sponsor right away?
I am reading the literature - actually have a nice little Alanon library in my bedside table now, and I listen to recovery podcasts in my car. I continue to journal, writing to my HP as well to ask Him to take my AH under his care as I need to let go now.
Would love some ESH on how you were able to go from fragile puddle of fear and anxiety to a place of serenity. I really need some hope to grasp onto today.
Thanks
Skorpi said
Feb 2, 2017
Hi NewLeaf,
I think reviewing journals can be so insightful! My wife was actively drinking with stretches of sobriety and treatment followed by deeper descent into the disease for close to a decade. I remember telling myself every day: Well, things are just bad today. There is nothing really wrong with her getting a drink today, lots of people have a drink now and then. Ok, she got really drunk and passed out. Well, that happens from time to time for a lot of people, I bet. She isn't like this every day... Until she actually was like that every day.
I cried my way through f2f meetings for many weeks. Eventually, the anger took over and that was followed by acceptance, for me. I think that you will find a sponsor when the time is right for you. Some people feel a connection to a sponsor almost right away, and others go a long time without one. I think you should keep going to the meetings and the rest will happen when the time is right.
For me, 2 meetings a week during my lunch hour and posting on MIP was a really good place to start. Taking the time to think and figure things out was fantastic. Again, for me, a good 9 months of separation was also very important. That time and space gave me the opportunity to focus on my own recovery and forced my wife to decide what she wanted for herself, without relying on me to make the decision for her or worry about an opinion I might have about her decision.
I'm still on my way to serenity, and my wife is still on her way to recovery, but one thing I do know is that this program is about the process, and it is about the journey, not the destination. It seems to me that when I work my program, every day is a little bit better than the day before. Most of the time, the "better" is almost imperceptible. And then, every once in a while, I will pause and notice how much different and better my life is. Things aren't perfect, I am not always serene, and my life doesn't look yet like I want it to be, but I am enjoying where I am, and I am enjoying the process of moving on to the next phase. And still today, showing up (at f2f meetings, at MIP, etc.) is the most important thing I can do for my program.
I hope you do keep coming back and going to your meetings. Alanon works when we work the program.
newleaf66 said
Feb 2, 2017
Skorpi,
Thank you for sharing your story. It's good to hear your wife is seeking recovery. My husband is still in denial which is so hard. I will continue to show up, or as I heard recently in a podcast "just take my body to a room...my spirit will follow". I will keep working on acceptance and focus on the journey.
hotrod said
Feb 2, 2017
((Newleaf))I can so idenify. I attended face to face metings for over a year without sharing (except for my name). because I felt such warmth and compassion at each meeting. I went to one meeting a day at that time, listened intently, learned the slogans , attempted to use them in my daily life and finally accepted that there is no magic formula and that "Recovery is a process" and i needed to pick up the tools, and keep coming back. It worked.
Please know that you are not alone and that it is progress not perfection that we seek.
newleaf66 said
Feb 2, 2017
Thank you Betty,
I will keep at it. I've had 2 failed attempts at Alanon - I ran away because I wasn't ready to face this disease, I kept hoping I was imagining things (Ha!). Opening my eyes and truly seeing where we are is painful but living in denial is so much worse.
I so appreciate your words. I needed the hope today.
Kelly
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2017
Hey newleaf66 - so sorry that the disease has caused chaos again - you have not failed!!! It is the journey, one day at a time, that keeps us hopeful - small or large. I recall vividly when I first came to Al-Anon and the days seems so, so, so long. I was trying to focus on just me and it was very, very hard as it was not my normal at all. I honestly did not realize that from waking to the day's end, I was thinking, planning, doing with everyone but me above me on my brain.
I went to as many meetings as I could - like Betty says...they brought me peace and calm, even if for only that hour of time. I also began walking and trying to talk with God. I decided to start gratitude lists and asset lists as my mind always floated to what was broken in my life instead of what was working in my life. I did as suggested and started each day with the daily readers, and a bit of prayer - it just seemed to center me - I woke up full of dread and anxiety.
For me, practicing as many suggested program things as I could helped me negate my old patterns of thinking, doing, projecting, etc. and replace them with better. I don't do well with idle time, so when my mind was obsessing over another person, place or thing, I would even clean - vacuum, closets, etc. with headphones on just to distract my negative thinking brain.
I'm kind of a neat freak, so that's what I leaned into ... distract yourself with what you enjoy and just keep bringing your thoughts/actions back to you and today....You got this, one moment at a time, one day at a time! (((Hugs)))
newleaf66 said
Feb 2, 2017
Iamhere,
Thank you for sharing with me. Sounds like gratitude, baby steps and being gentle with myself is the path forward for now. A woman handed me a "Just for today" reading on my way out last night and said it was her lifeline in the beginning. This is for sure a very humbling disease.
shrnp said
Feb 2, 2017
Hello newleaf,
I like your signature line, I love that poem. I am fairly new to Alanon. You said that you failed in your last attempts but I do not think you can fail at it. I was in AA a longtime ago, and some people do not need the program to be sober while others cannot live without it, and others come and go. I worked the 12 steps but the first few steps were so important. It took me over a year to get to the last step. Now, I am starting over in Alanon because of a close friend of mine. I always knew that there was a fellowship like this, and as soon as I felt my life becoming unmanageable again, I began searching for meetings. I do not have a lot of the literature from Alanon, but I enjoy searching for slogans and reading them in other members post. The online meetings are a nice way to stay active too.
Jerry F said
Feb 2, 2017
Aloha New leaf and welcome back. Your ESH is real, you know this disease. I recently heard that the disease hates when we figure it out and I understand that is true because then we will do something about it no matter how long it takes. This is a life time progressive disease and the program gives me the tools and hope to keep going. As long as it runs I will also. Patience and open mindedness are two of the best tools I have received in the program. At the close of our meetings I am always encouraged with "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and I always have. "One Day at a time" encourages me to not rush my recovery and over look steps.
I two step back on purpose time to time because that is part of my practice, practice, practice which makes progress. Keep coming back cause this is what works. (((((hugs)))))
Hello all,
Haven't posted in awhile. It's been 1 step forward, 2 steps back over the past year. What finally brought me to me knees was reviewing my journal over the past 10 years and seeing the pattern with my AH over all that time. It is so easy so lull myself into a false security when I think "well, it hasn't been that long"...and "he's working on it for real this time"...you get the idea. Hard to be in denial when your own words are staring back at you and telling you the dance has gone on and on and is progressively getting worse.
After a brutal Christmas season where the demon Alcohol was so boldly and defiantly in my face, I am finally and gratefully at acceptance. I went to 2 F2F meetings this week. I tried to speak at both, fell to pieces, and after the second one, had a panic attack as I practically ran to the safety of my car. The people there were so warm and their presence so comforting that I know I will go back. I will say, however, that everyone there seemed to be so far ahead of me that I felt like a fragile, incoherent bundle of nerves. I know it will get better - can't get worse - but I want to ask all of you: how do I proceed? Just keep going and wait for the changes? Try to get a sponsor right away?
I am reading the literature - actually have a nice little Alanon library in my bedside table now, and I listen to recovery podcasts in my car. I continue to journal, writing to my HP as well to ask Him to take my AH under his care as I need to let go now.
Would love some ESH on how you were able to go from fragile puddle of fear and anxiety to a place of serenity. I really need some hope to grasp onto today.
Thanks
I think reviewing journals can be so insightful! My wife was actively drinking with stretches of sobriety and treatment followed by deeper descent into the disease for close to a decade. I remember telling myself every day: Well, things are just bad today. There is nothing really wrong with her getting a drink today, lots of people have a drink now and then. Ok, she got really drunk and passed out. Well, that happens from time to time for a lot of people, I bet. She isn't like this every day... Until she actually was like that every day.
I cried my way through f2f meetings for many weeks. Eventually, the anger took over and that was followed by acceptance, for me. I think that you will find a sponsor when the time is right for you. Some people feel a connection to a sponsor almost right away, and others go a long time without one. I think you should keep going to the meetings and the rest will happen when the time is right.
For me, 2 meetings a week during my lunch hour and posting on MIP was a really good place to start. Taking the time to think and figure things out was fantastic. Again, for me, a good 9 months of separation was also very important. That time and space gave me the opportunity to focus on my own recovery and forced my wife to decide what she wanted for herself, without relying on me to make the decision for her or worry about an opinion I might have about her decision.
I'm still on my way to serenity, and my wife is still on her way to recovery, but one thing I do know is that this program is about the process, and it is about the journey, not the destination. It seems to me that when I work my program, every day is a little bit better than the day before. Most of the time, the "better" is almost imperceptible. And then, every once in a while, I will pause and notice how much different and better my life is. Things aren't perfect, I am not always serene, and my life doesn't look yet like I want it to be, but I am enjoying where I am, and I am enjoying the process of moving on to the next phase. And still today, showing up (at f2f meetings, at MIP, etc.) is the most important thing I can do for my program.
I hope you do keep coming back and going to your meetings. Alanon works when we work the program.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's good to hear your wife is seeking recovery. My husband is still in denial which is so hard. I will continue to show up, or as I heard recently in a podcast "just take my body to a room...my spirit will follow". I will keep working on acceptance and focus on the journey.
((Newleaf))I can so idenify. I attended face to face metings for over a year without sharing (except for my name). because I felt such warmth and compassion at each meeting. I went to one meeting a day at that time, listened intently, learned the slogans , attempted to use them in my daily life and finally accepted that there is no magic formula and that "Recovery is a process" and i needed to pick up the tools, and keep coming back. It worked.
Please know that you are not alone and that it is progress not perfection that we seek.
I will keep at it. I've had 2 failed attempts at Alanon - I ran away because I wasn't ready to face this disease, I kept hoping I was imagining things (Ha!). Opening my eyes and truly seeing where we are is painful but living in denial is so much worse.
I so appreciate your words. I needed the hope today.
Kelly
I went to as many meetings as I could - like Betty says...they brought me peace and calm, even if for only that hour of time. I also began walking and trying to talk with God. I decided to start gratitude lists and asset lists as my mind always floated to what was broken in my life instead of what was working in my life. I did as suggested and started each day with the daily readers, and a bit of prayer - it just seemed to center me - I woke up full of dread and anxiety.
For me, practicing as many suggested program things as I could helped me negate my old patterns of thinking, doing, projecting, etc. and replace them with better. I don't do well with idle time, so when my mind was obsessing over another person, place or thing, I would even clean - vacuum, closets, etc. with headphones on just to distract my negative thinking brain.
I'm kind of a neat freak, so that's what I leaned into ... distract yourself with what you enjoy and just keep bringing your thoughts/actions back to you and today....You got this, one moment at a time, one day at a time! (((Hugs)))
Thank you for sharing with me. Sounds like gratitude, baby steps and being gentle with myself is the path forward for now. A woman handed me a "Just for today" reading on my way out last night and said it was her lifeline in the beginning. This is for sure a very humbling disease.
I like your signature line, I love that poem. I am fairly new to Alanon. You said that you failed in your last attempts but I do not think you can fail at it. I was in AA a longtime ago, and some people do not need the program to be sober while others cannot live without it, and others come and go. I worked the 12 steps but the first few steps were so important. It took me over a year to get to the last step. Now, I am starting over in Alanon because of a close friend of mine. I always knew that there was a fellowship like this, and as soon as I felt my life becoming unmanageable again, I began searching for meetings. I do not have a lot of the literature from Alanon, but I enjoy searching for slogans and reading them in other members post. The online meetings are a nice way to stay active too.
Aloha New leaf and welcome back. Your ESH is real, you know this disease. I recently heard that the disease hates when we figure it out and I understand that is true because then we will do something about it no matter how long it takes. This is a life time progressive disease and the program gives me the tools and hope to keep going. As long as it runs I will also. Patience and open mindedness are two of the best tools I have received in the program. At the close of our meetings I am always encouraged with "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and I always have. "One Day at a time" encourages me to not rush my recovery and over look steps.
I two step back on purpose time to time because that is part of my practice, practice, practice which makes progress. Keep coming back cause this is what works. (((((hugs)))))