Hi all, I am very hopeful of finding help with letting go..perhaps totally of my three adult children. I do not have healthy relationships with any of them and after a year of attending my local Al anon meetings I can see that the only one I have any hope of changing..with the help of my patient Higher Power.. is myself. That said, any time I try to set boundaries especially with my 37 year old daughter, all hell breaks loose. At times to the point of violence. Alcoholism is not clearly evident in my family but addiction is, in its many forms including my own addiction to pain killers which I am getting help with through Narcotics anonymous meetings. My daughter also has what she calls a dependency on pain killers but it is her unpredictable, abusive behaviour I cannot cope with. I feel very despondent. I dont have a sponsor and have trouble getting to meetings as I am crippled with arthritis, waiting to have surgery for two new knees. Sounds like I am on the pity pot and that is very likely true. I know I have to limit my involvement in my daughter's life, concentrate on keeping my side of the street clean but when i do I am abused, called unmaternal, unsupportive, threatened and guilted big time. I am also prevented from seeing my daughter's son who I raised for years. My youngest son, who lives with my daughter has now started to text me with similar abusive texts to his sister. I feel like the 45 years I have been a mother has been a waste of time and as I look at the time I have left, having just turned 65, resentment at times is a constant companion. I truely dont know what to do. I know I want time to myself now, I dream of healthy relationships with my adult children and I am beginning to believe that is impossible. As I said, alcoholism is not clear in my family of origin or in my own family but all the "isms" are. Anyone out there who can relate and maybe share their experience with me? I am desperate. Thanks for reading all this....ozziekat.
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2017
Welcome to MIP ozziekat....glad that you found us and glad that you joined right in! I am a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and applaud you for reaching out. My first suggestion, simply because it is used in both sides is to focus on just One Day at a Time.
In my area, you can reach out to the local office(s) and get phone numbers for local support if you can't get to meetings. For the AA side, there are groups that will bring a meeting to you if you can't get to them. I don't know if NA does that, but it's certainly worth a try. My local Al-Anon group does this, but it's a very smaller scale thing compared to AA, and not all groups do it. However, at our state level, we have volunteers that return phone calls to those reaching out.
So - if you struggle to get out/about, 'let your fingers do the walking'....I also know there are speakers in all different recovery programs on YouTube...that might help.
I also have children as my qualifiers. For me, and our situation, I was incapable of setting healthy boundaries without the help of the program and a great sponsor. I didn't fully understand how to nor was I able to enforce my boundaries without a bit of sanity/program under my belt. I also struggled big time with detaching until I got a bit of program knowledge from others.
Recovery is a personal journey and I believe we move forward as we can when we can. Most of us come with tons of pain and lots of issues. It did not go 'bad' overnight, and we will not recover overnight.....be gentle with you and do what you can with what you have, just for today. If you don't yet have any literature, I would recommend getting some - it truly helped me in the beginning understand that many of my thoughts/experiences were not unique and could be channeled differently for my own sanity.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone. There is hope and help in recovery!
luv123 said
Feb 2, 2017
Welcome--glad u are here with us. Thanks you for your heartfelt share. It is hard sometimes, but there is such hope. Keep reading, sharing, learning--phone meetings are another added possibility(found on al-anon.org under find a meeting). There is so much pain to get through when we first attempt good boundaries. I had to grieve for a long time that my family just didn't "get it" and were so challenging for me to deal with. But my sponsor also helped me to keep it in today---I have seen absolute miracles happen with ppl in al-anon and their relationships. Mine included. It can get better--the steps are the answer for me. And I get better whether or not they do...Writing/journaling about how each one applies to my difficulties has truly helped me on such a deep level. Keep coming back and keep sharing, ppl need to hear each of our voices as we grow together in Unity in the program.
KennyFenderjazz said
Feb 3, 2017
Hi, Welcome,
I have found that boundaries are about me. I set them to protect myself and/or my serenity/sanity. Not to punish my wife.
But I also must know what the consequences are, and be prepared to accept them. If I set a boundary, such as I won't be in the house when my wife is drinking, I must be prepared to accept that I may have a night that isn't in front of my TV relaxing, but somewhere else. If I'm not prepared to do that, then I shouldn't set that boundary.
Kenny
Stan1 said
Feb 9, 2017
Hi everyone, I am so thankful to read your sharing on establishing boundaries tonight. I just had a week of turmoil with our AS. He called me from the hospital after being in a significant accident of his own doing. I had the opportunity to have him admitted into psych evaluation or check him out. Feeling it useless to force recovery I just checked him out and stayed with him until he sobered up to contact the court and a lawyer. Of course he hasn't checked in the recovery program and will be surprised if he does. Anyways back do me trying to set reasonable boundaries for myself. Have been down this road before with his Dad and older brother and thankfully they are both RA's
Hi all, I am very hopeful of finding help with letting go..perhaps totally of my three adult children. I do not have healthy relationships with any of them and after a year of attending my local Al anon meetings I can see that the only one I have any hope of changing..with the help of my patient Higher Power.. is myself. That said, any time I try to set boundaries especially with my 37 year old daughter, all hell breaks loose. At times to the point of violence. Alcoholism is not clearly evident in my family but addiction is, in its many forms including my own addiction to pain killers which I am getting help with through Narcotics anonymous meetings. My daughter also has what she calls a dependency on pain killers but it is her unpredictable, abusive behaviour I cannot cope with. I feel very despondent. I dont have a sponsor and have trouble getting to meetings as I am crippled with arthritis, waiting to have surgery for two new knees. Sounds like I am on the pity pot and that is very likely true. I know I have to limit my involvement in my daughter's life, concentrate on keeping my side of the street clean but when i do I am abused, called unmaternal, unsupportive, threatened and guilted big time. I am also prevented from seeing my daughter's son who I raised for years. My youngest son, who lives with my daughter has now started to text me with similar abusive texts to his sister. I feel like the 45 years I have been a mother has been a waste of time and as I look at the time I have left, having just turned 65, resentment at times is a constant companion. I truely dont know what to do. I know I want time to myself now, I dream of healthy relationships with my adult children and I am beginning to believe that is impossible. As I said, alcoholism is not clear in my family of origin or in my own family but all the "isms" are. Anyone out there who can relate and maybe share their experience with me? I am desperate. Thanks for reading all this....ozziekat.
In my area, you can reach out to the local office(s) and get phone numbers for local support if you can't get to meetings. For the AA side, there are groups that will bring a meeting to you if you can't get to them. I don't know if NA does that, but it's certainly worth a try. My local Al-Anon group does this, but it's a very smaller scale thing compared to AA, and not all groups do it. However, at our state level, we have volunteers that return phone calls to those reaching out.
So - if you struggle to get out/about, 'let your fingers do the walking'....I also know there are speakers in all different recovery programs on YouTube...that might help.
I also have children as my qualifiers. For me, and our situation, I was incapable of setting healthy boundaries without the help of the program and a great sponsor. I didn't fully understand how to nor was I able to enforce my boundaries without a bit of sanity/program under my belt. I also struggled big time with detaching until I got a bit of program knowledge from others.
Recovery is a personal journey and I believe we move forward as we can when we can. Most of us come with tons of pain and lots of issues. It did not go 'bad' overnight, and we will not recover overnight.....be gentle with you and do what you can with what you have, just for today. If you don't yet have any literature, I would recommend getting some - it truly helped me in the beginning understand that many of my thoughts/experiences were not unique and could be channeled differently for my own sanity.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone. There is hope and help in recovery!
Welcome--glad u are here with us. Thanks you for your heartfelt share. It is hard sometimes, but there is such hope. Keep reading, sharing, learning--phone meetings are another added possibility(found on al-anon.org under find a meeting). There is so much pain to get through when we first attempt good boundaries. I had to grieve for a long time that my family just didn't "get it" and were so challenging for me to deal with. But my sponsor also helped me to keep it in today---I have seen absolute miracles happen with ppl in al-anon and their relationships. Mine included. It can get better--the steps are the answer for me. And I get better whether or not they do...Writing/journaling about how each one applies to my difficulties has truly helped me on such a deep level. Keep coming back and keep sharing, ppl need to hear each of our voices as we grow together in Unity in the program.
I have found that boundaries are about me. I set them to protect myself and/or my serenity/sanity. Not to punish my wife.
But I also must know what the consequences are, and be prepared to accept them. If I set a boundary, such as I won't be in the house when my wife is drinking, I must be prepared to accept that I may have a night that isn't in front of my TV relaxing, but somewhere else. If I'm not prepared to do that, then I shouldn't set that boundary.
Kenny