Today is a day that my mind is all over the place. It seems that whenever my ex starts chatting about our AS I start to revert back to my worry and fix mode. My AS texted my ex last night and said he wanted him to pick him up. About 45 min later he said never mind. He is with this very controlling girl and I am afraid she has him pretty much kidnapped with guilt and fear. He is living in a situation that I believe he may be abused sexually by another man who has AIDS, in trade for living quarters. My son is 21 and I know he has put himself in this position. I am so afraid for him. I want to drive there, knock on the door and grab my son and leave. They have out lived every other place they have been. I shared resources with him over the weekend for food and shelter instead of enabling. As supportive as my husband is; I can't really discuss this with him. He is so angry at my son for what he is putting me through. I know what he says is true but as a mom I can't get pictures out of my head. I pray and pray and pray but today is awful. I feel out of control; I know, I know. I can't control the situation but I can control how I respond. So today I am fearful. I am reeling in fear, I am anxious, I am tearful. So many emotions I can't name them all. I need to pull myself together and understand that this is in my HP hands. Today it just doesn't feel right in my gut.
hotrod said
Feb 1, 2017
((Beth)) I so understand Please know that you are not alone.The serenity prayer, alanon calls and meetings helped me at times such as this.
Jaeger said
Feb 1, 2017
Hugs to you. I've been there.
shrnp said
Feb 1, 2017
Tanners mom, my thoughts and prayer are with you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Waiting and wondering can be so hard.
Maresie25 said
Feb 1, 2017
Sorry to hear your great pain. I am praying for you.
Iamhere said
Feb 1, 2017
(((Beth))) - sending you thoughts and prayers. You can also set up boundaries with your Ex whenever you are ready. I know here my AH and I processed at very different times/ways. He stayed in denial way, way longer than I and continued to enable. It was maddening at first, but I was told I can detach from him and his choices with love and boundaries and it did help.
I'm with Betty - lean into your program....you are not alone - reach out in any way/form you can - meetings, calls, etc. Know we are here as best we can be.
Peacefullyliving said
Feb 2, 2017
(((((Beth))))) this is my first post, I have been reading here for awhile and find it so very helpful. I can truly relate to your feelings of fear. For me when I was completely consumed with fear (which for a season fear did completely consume me) the "surrender prayer" was something that truly helped calm me. The first time I heard it was when a seasoned al anon member read it in a meeting and the words resonated with me. I feel compelled to share it here. Sending prayers for you, your son and your family.
The Surrender Prayer
Dear God,
I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without Your help and guidance. I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and renew me to meet my needs today. Since I can not manage my life or affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take me and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I can not control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. If they need changing, God, You'll have to do it: I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to do my best.
Help me see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to all of them. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better, and to love You more. I am seeking knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out.
LinSC said
Feb 2, 2017
Dearest Tannersmom
My prayers are with you and your son. Keep reading Alanon and going to meetings. If you go pick up your boy, know that he probably won't leave the girl behind.... so you must think about that part too. I remember going with my gut in different situations with my son, and I wasnt wrong, but that was usually my last choice. Fear can be so overwhelming....stay close to your HP call your sponsor and if you need other help like a doctor or a psycologist go for it, take care of yourself. Be as strong as you can be and very gentle on your self. Avail yourself to loving and caring people now.
el-cee said
Feb 2, 2017
Fear can overtake us at times like this. Fear was my biggest motivator to enable. My fear would build and I would rush in to fix, control tidy it all up. The only problem was it made things worse, it eased my fears for a short time but then of course came the next crisis because the consequences are where the learning is and when I fixed it I stole the learning.
If your son is like mine was he upped the seriousness of his situation when I first stopped enabling. So he knew I was driven by fear and the more fearful I was the more I did for him so he would tell me more and more extreme stories in an attempt to get me to spring into action. So the whole Aids story, its a pretty good one, not saying its a lie but it could get you on the Mother will save you path. The image he has presented to you of his gf and how shes so controlling also makes me think he wants you to think of him as a helpless little victim with all these horrible people around him, such a shame!!!
Sorry, it sounds like Im cynical but I know this disease and if your sons an A then the lies and stories are part and parcel. Stay strong, rely on your higher power, know he is a grown man with his own higher power, he is more than likely trying to play you with lies. Think of him like a toddler wanting his own way, the easy way and hes pulling out all his little tools to get exactly what he wants, his Mummy to do the work and fix it all for him.
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2017
Peacefullyliving - welcome to MIP! Thanks for sharing that lovely prayer - it's powerful.....glad you found us and glad that you joined right in.
Keep coming back!
Stan1 said
Feb 4, 2017
Thank you for sharing the prayer
Peacefullyliving said
Feb 4, 2017
Thank you Iamhere, I am grateful for this site.
Stan1, you are welcome, it is a powerful prayer and has been very helpful for my recovery
Today is a day that my mind is all over the place. It seems that whenever my ex starts chatting about our AS I start to revert back to my worry and fix mode. My AS texted my ex last night and said he wanted him to pick him up. About 45 min later he said never mind. He is with this very controlling girl and I am afraid she has him pretty much kidnapped with guilt and fear. He is living in a situation that I believe he may be abused sexually by another man who has AIDS, in trade for living quarters. My son is 21 and I know he has put himself in this position. I am so afraid for him. I want to drive there, knock on the door and grab my son and leave. They have out lived every other place they have been. I shared resources with him over the weekend for food and shelter instead of enabling. As supportive as my husband is; I can't really discuss this with him. He is so angry at my son for what he is putting me through. I know what he says is true but as a mom I can't get pictures out of my head. I pray and pray and pray but today is awful. I feel out of control; I know, I know. I can't control the situation but I can control how I respond. So today I am fearful. I am reeling in fear, I am anxious, I am tearful. So many emotions I can't name them all. I need to pull myself together and understand that this is in my HP hands. Today it just doesn't feel right in my gut.
I'm with Betty - lean into your program....you are not alone - reach out in any way/form you can - meetings, calls, etc. Know we are here as best we can be.
The Surrender Prayer
Dear God,
I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without Your help and guidance. I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and renew me to meet my needs today. Since I can not manage my life or affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take me and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I can not control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. If they need changing, God, You'll have to do it: I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to do my best.
Help me see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to all of them. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better, and to love You more. I am seeking knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out.
Dearest Tannersmom
My prayers are with you and your son. Keep reading Alanon and going to meetings. If you go pick up your boy, know that he probably won't leave the girl behind.... so you must think about that part too. I remember going with my gut in different situations with my son, and I wasnt wrong, but that was usually my last choice. Fear can be so overwhelming....stay close to your HP call your sponsor and if you need other help like a doctor or a psycologist go for it, take care of yourself. Be as strong as you can be and very gentle on your self. Avail yourself to loving and caring people now.
Fear can overtake us at times like this. Fear was my biggest motivator to enable. My fear would build and I would rush in to fix, control tidy it all up. The only problem was it made things worse, it eased my fears for a short time but then of course came the next crisis because the consequences are where the learning is and when I fixed it I stole the learning.
If your son is like mine was he upped the seriousness of his situation when I first stopped enabling. So he knew I was driven by fear and the more fearful I was the more I did for him so he would tell me more and more extreme stories in an attempt to get me to spring into action. So the whole Aids story, its a pretty good one, not saying its a lie but it could get you on the Mother will save you path. The image he has presented to you of his gf and how shes so controlling also makes me think he wants you to think of him as a helpless little victim with all these horrible people around him, such a shame!!!
Sorry, it sounds like Im cynical but I know this disease and if your sons an A then the lies and stories are part and parcel. Stay strong, rely on your higher power, know he is a grown man with his own higher power, he is more than likely trying to play you with lies. Think of him like a toddler wanting his own way, the easy way and hes pulling out all his little tools to get exactly what he wants, his Mummy to do the work and fix it all for him.
Keep coming back!
Stan1, you are welcome, it is a powerful prayer and has been very helpful for my recovery