In relationship w/Recovering Alcoholic straight out of rehab/halfway house - involved for 1 year already
crzenner73 said
Feb 1, 2017
Over a year ago I met a man through his ex wife who I was friends with briefly.
I met him 2 months before he was sent to prison (SAFP) in Texas for 8 months and then he went into a halfway house for 3 months. He's been out almost one month.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I met him. I felt the love for him right away and visited him almost every weekend while he was in prison. I thought that him being a recovering alcoholic now going through the program meant like would be good and we would have a normal relationship. This last week has been mind blowing.
He loves me like I love him - we don't live together but in very close towns - 30 minutes apart.
He told me last weekend that his sponsor told him he couldn't be in a relationship the first year. I am heart broke.
I know he needs to focus on his recovery. This was his fourth DWI that sent him away - he was lucky he didn't go away for 10 years to prison.
Where do I begin for asking for help to understand this? I feel so hurt, I feel used, and I'm so very sad.
Does this mean we can't have a relationship at all? What are my limitations or his limitations?
hotrod said
Feb 1, 2017
Welcome crzenner ,I am so pleased that you found us and have reached out. Having a relationship with a recovering alcoholic is challenging and I would like to suggest that in order for you to understand the dynamics a little better that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. These meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.
Alcoholsma is a threefold disease, affects the person who drinks physically, emotionally and spiritually. AA helps to address each of these areas and these meetings are extremely important to their recovery. Once the drinking has stopped, this addresses the physical nature of the disease. However, there is much work to be done as far as the spiritual and emotional portions.
AA and the Al-Anon program as well ,does suggest that we make no major life changes for the first six months to year in program . The reason for this is that it is important to concentrate completely on recovery because the learning of new tools to live by and trying to incorporate that into a relationship is sometimes difficult.
I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend, it is here that you will find the support that you need in order to develop new constructive tools to live by and to break the isolation.Please keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
shrnp said
Feb 1, 2017
Hello crzenner,
One reason AA suggest no intimate relationships is because while we were drinking we may have formed unhealthy relationships. Some alcoholics as well as the people who love might come from dysfunctional families. Rebuilding their lives in sobriety means learning how to handle emotions and thought processing differently than they did while drinking, so they do not have a relapse. I am sorry you are going through this, I hope that Alanon can help.
Jerry F said
Feb 1, 2017
Aloha C and welcome to the board and family and WOW this reminds me of when I first hooked up with my then to me alcoholic/addict wife. I didn't even know that I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and so I just ignored the warning signs then. As has been said this is a disease/sickness of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and the two consequences are insanity Yes this is a fatal disease and that doesn't only mean fatal for the drinker. It takes a long time for an alcoholic/addict to be able to honestly use the "recovering" statement as a part of their recovery because alcoholism is a lifetime disease...it can never be cured on arrested by total abstinence and it affects every part of the person and those touched by it. Alcoholism is thousands of years old. It predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years.
I hope you find a face to face meeting in your area to attend. Check into AFG.org and find out where they are in your neighborhood and go so and often. There is much to learn. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Feb 1, 2017
I too send warm welcomes to you and so very sorry for your confusion and pain. I am a double winner, which simply means I am a member of AA & Al-Anon. I came to Al-Anon after being in AA for a while and remember vividly when it was recommended to stay out of relationships for AT LEAST one year.
In AA recovery, it's said often and I've seen it come true - to drink is to die. Perhaps not with the first drink of a relapse, but we say that active alcoholics end up in one of three places - Prison, Mental Hospital or Dead in the ground. Half measures are extremely discouraged and most who are serious about getting/staying sober will do as suggested by their sponsor.
The good news for you - it seems as if he truly wants the gift of sobriety. It seems as if, just for today, he's hit his bottom. This will allow you time to attend Al-Anon and understand more about the disease and the diseased, and to embrace recovery for your own well-being. If it's meant to be with him, it will be.
AA recovery is truly a full-time job. New relationships are discouraged so the new member can keep his number one priority number one - his sobriety and program. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else; it has to do with trying to get some sanity restored before the real world experiences go into overdrive. Relationships are difficult for 'earth people' (that's what we can non-alcoholics in my location) - they can be threatening for newly sober Alcoholics.
I do also encourage you to seek out and attend some local Al-Anon meetings. Discover more about how the disease affects those who love an alcoholic. Learn tools to keep yourself grounded and to support him in a healthy manner. Recovery is nothing more than a spiritual journey with like minded people, and the support you will find can not be matched anywhere else!
Keep coming back - glad you are here!
luv123 said
Feb 6, 2017
Hi and Welcome,
I ditto these responses in terms of encouraging you to attend and emmerse yourself in Al-anon principles of living with acceptance, strength and courage. Below are some more tools to consider to better understand more clearly what Al-anon is/does and how it may help. (u can pick from many podcast topics on link below---there are also phone, online & and face to face meetings. Just go to al-anon.org & click on top left "find a meeting".)
pod cast link: http://al-anon.alateen.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/
Wishing you all the best & sending a prayer for your healing heart!
Over a year ago I met a man through his ex wife who I was friends with briefly.
I met him 2 months before he was sent to prison (SAFP) in Texas for 8 months and then he went into a halfway house for 3 months. He's been out almost one month.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I met him. I felt the love for him right away and visited him almost every weekend while he was in prison. I thought that him being a recovering alcoholic now going through the program meant like would be good and we would have a normal relationship. This last week has been mind blowing.
He loves me like I love him - we don't live together but in very close towns - 30 minutes apart.
He told me last weekend that his sponsor told him he couldn't be in a relationship the first year. I am heart broke.
I know he needs to focus on his recovery. This was his fourth DWI that sent him away - he was lucky he didn't go away for 10 years to prison.
Where do I begin for asking for help to understand this? I feel so hurt, I feel used, and I'm so very sad.
Does this mean we can't have a relationship at all? What are my limitations or his limitations?
Welcome crzenner ,I am so pleased that you found us and have reached out. Having a relationship with a recovering alcoholic is challenging and I would like to suggest that in order for you to understand the dynamics a little better that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. These meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.
Alcoholsma is a threefold disease, affects the person who drinks physically, emotionally and spiritually. AA helps to address each of these areas and these meetings are extremely important to their recovery. Once the drinking has stopped, this addresses the physical nature of the disease. However, there is much work to be done as far as the spiritual and emotional portions.
AA and the Al-Anon program as well ,does suggest that we make no major life changes for the first six months to year in program . The reason for this is that it is important to concentrate completely on recovery because the learning of new tools to live by and trying to incorporate that into a relationship is sometimes difficult.
I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend, it is here that you will find the support that you need in order to develop new constructive tools to live by and to break the isolation.Please keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
One reason AA suggest no intimate relationships is because while we were drinking we may have formed unhealthy relationships. Some alcoholics as well as the people who love might come from dysfunctional families. Rebuilding their lives in sobriety means learning how to handle emotions and thought processing differently than they did while drinking, so they do not have a relapse. I am sorry you are going through this, I hope that Alanon can help.
Aloha C and welcome to the board and family and WOW this reminds me of when I first hooked up with my then to me alcoholic/addict wife. I didn't even know that I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and so I just ignored the warning signs then. As has been said this is a disease/sickness of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and the two consequences are insanity Yes this is a fatal disease and that doesn't only mean fatal for the drinker. It takes a long time for an alcoholic/addict to be able to honestly use the "recovering" statement as a part of their recovery because alcoholism is a lifetime disease...it can never be cured on arrested by total abstinence and it affects every part of the person and those touched by it. Alcoholism is thousands of years old. It predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years.
I hope you find a face to face meeting in your area to attend. Check into AFG.org and find out where they are in your neighborhood and go so and often. There is much to learn. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
In AA recovery, it's said often and I've seen it come true - to drink is to die. Perhaps not with the first drink of a relapse, but we say that active alcoholics end up in one of three places - Prison, Mental Hospital or Dead in the ground. Half measures are extremely discouraged and most who are serious about getting/staying sober will do as suggested by their sponsor.
The good news for you - it seems as if he truly wants the gift of sobriety. It seems as if, just for today, he's hit his bottom. This will allow you time to attend Al-Anon and understand more about the disease and the diseased, and to embrace recovery for your own well-being. If it's meant to be with him, it will be.
AA recovery is truly a full-time job. New relationships are discouraged so the new member can keep his number one priority number one - his sobriety and program. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else; it has to do with trying to get some sanity restored before the real world experiences go into overdrive. Relationships are difficult for 'earth people' (that's what we can non-alcoholics in my location) - they can be threatening for newly sober Alcoholics.
I do also encourage you to seek out and attend some local Al-Anon meetings. Discover more about how the disease affects those who love an alcoholic. Learn tools to keep yourself grounded and to support him in a healthy manner. Recovery is nothing more than a spiritual journey with like minded people, and the support you will find can not be matched anywhere else!
Keep coming back - glad you are here!
Hi and Welcome,
I ditto these responses in terms of encouraging you to attend and emmerse yourself in Al-anon principles of living with acceptance, strength and courage. Below are some more tools to consider to better understand more clearly what Al-anon is/does and how it may help. (u can pick from many podcast topics on link below---there are also phone, online & and face to face meetings. Just go to al-anon.org & click on top left "find a meeting".)
pod cast link: http://al-anon.alateen.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/
Wishing you all the best & sending a prayer for your healing heart!