So this goes back awhile. When I was pregnant for Our son My husband was never home. He was always out drinking with his buddies. Coming home late and drunk quite often. He told me our sons room would be finished before he was born.NOPE!
After I had our son I thought he would change.Nope. He still was out drinking and hanging with his buddies all the time. He did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. If I asked him to watch our son was like pulling teeth. He would tell me I needed to find a sitter because he had plans. I would have to take our son with me to the salon with me for appointments (for example) or call his Dad to come watch him. Our son always went grocery shopping with me. The only time I didnt have our son was when I was at work. My husband always went to a buddys house after work to drink and hang out.
When I would ask him to get our son from daycare the excuse was always I dont know if I will get out of work in time to go get him. I was never able to do anything after work with friends. He would tell me that I never tell you no you cant go do something but there was always an excuse or reason he couldnt watch him. I started to feel trapped in my own home.
This summer I wanted to take our son to a balloon festival. My husband didnt want to go because he said he had been there as a kid and didnt need to go back. I wanted to take our son to a thing out to a fall park, the one day we planned on going it was raining so we didnt, so he never mentioned to me about going as a family again. I took our son by myself and a co-worker.
Lets talk about how many times he goes back to my mom and dads house with me. Not often enough. Maybe 1 2 times a year. I go back about once a month so mom and dad can see and play with our son. He gives me grief every time I go back too just about. He says to me why are you out running the roads, you are going to run the wheels off that car. Lets talk about how he didnt go to my grandmas funeral 2 years ago because it was opening day of gun season (Nov. 15), lets talk about how when my grandpa died I needed to fly to Florida urgently and he asked me if I was taking our son with me (in that instance I told him no, Our son was staying home with him). Lets talk about when my friend Heathers dad died and she was up at Spectrum Hospital waiting on her sister to get into town from Colorado and he told me that he didnt understand why I had to go up there, I didnt talk to her much anymore. What about when I had to put my dog down, he was drunk and couldnt take her to the vet, I had to. Thank god in that instance our son didnt wake up while I was gone. Oh and Mothers Day last year, he was so hungover he laid on the couch all day. Sometimes I feel like he did some of these things because he was trying to control the fact that I was home and he knew where I was at all the time. When I am out, he will ask me how long I plan on being gone, or what time I plan on coming home. He never has the decency to tell me those things.
After a long night of drinking, my husband has made s**ty comments to me. Like you look bloated, or you need your moustache waxed, your hair looks greasy, you do a s**ty job grocery shopping. When he was drinking he always made comments to me about how if he didnt do anything around the house nothing would get done. When I ask him about these or tell him how it hurt my feelings bad he tells me he was joking. I need to learn to take a joke from time to time.
I have felt like a single mom with a dual income for the first 2 ˝ years of Our sons life.
Now he has stopped drinking (for 1 week), and is home all the time, and wants to go do family things together. He tells me he is sorry for all the things he has done to hurt me in the past.
I feel like my husband is a controlling, manipulative, alcoholic and selfish man.
I dont know if I can forgive him. Should I? I am scared to hurt him. Should I be? He has hurt me so much in the past, I almost feel like I should just move on from it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 31st of January 2017 02:59:02 PM
Jazzie18 said
Jan 31, 2017
Hi Kazoom,
No one can tell you if you can forgive him or not or if you should leave. What I would suggest, if you aren't already, is to attend a face to face meeting. When I first came in to Al-Anon I was a single mom living with dual income and an alcoholic husband. I really resented him for missing so much with the kids and for not being there emotionally for us. I thought I was ready to leave and started going to face to face meetings. In al-anon they tell you not to make any decisions for the first 6 months. I was relieved that I didn't have to make a decision on if I was going to leave him or not. Things changed in that first 6 months. For one, my husband finally got sober and his personality totally changed for the better. The second thing that happened to me is I realized how angry/resentful I was at him. I thought once he got sober everything would be so great but in fact I was finally feeling my true feelings that I had bottled up for so many years. It took over a year for me to sort through these feelings and to let the resentment and anger go. I say this because it may take you a little while to do the same. Please be kind and patient with yourself. The answer isn't going to come right away but hopefully with the help of this program you will know what is the right decision for you and your child.
hotrod said
Jan 31, 2017
Welcome Kzoomom I do hear you and understand the pain and indecision with which you are coping. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who have dealt with the insanity and need a program of their own to recover their self-esteem and self-worth. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. It is at these meetings that I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease, and was given constructive new tools to live by. I was then able to make an informed choice as to what direction my life should go.
You are not alone and no one will give you advice only support you until you were able to make your own decisions.
Please keep coming back you're not alone
Jerry F said
Jan 31, 2017
Now he has stopped drinking (for 1 week), and is home all the time, and wants to go do family things together. He tells me he is sorry for all the things he has done to hurt me in the past.
That is how the disease works a lot of the time...she changes and I am left with the insanity and then I learned "Well it is YOUR insanity right"? Besides getting angry at that realization I also acknowledged that it really was mine. Getting into and working the program as suggested by the old timers got me out of the insanity and cleared up the picture so that I could see much better at what was hers, what was mine and what was ours and it took time....the best time I have had in my life.
Should I stay or go? I did both and when we parted she was sober and so was I and I understood that those were not the only qualifications for being married...Years later I remarried a woman in Al-Anon recovery and life is much more easy...not perfect ...easy. I have my side of the street to keep up and so does she...its good. Keep coming back. Congratulations on the change. ((((hugs))))
kzoomom79 said
Jan 31, 2017
I have been struggling with the idea of leaving for awhile now (like 8 months). I have just been to afraid to pull the trigger. With his recent "quitting" drinking it has almost made me madder at him. I had asked him for years to quit drinking and he never did until his mom had to say something to him.
I guess I need advice on how I can ever forgive him? Can I? Has anyone ever forgave someone for instances like this before? How can I trust he won't start drinkibg again? I have asked him over and over through the years and nothing.
-- Edited by kzoomom79 on Tuesday 31st of January 2017 08:43:27 PM
Iamhere said
Feb 1, 2017
kzoomom79 - welcome to MIP. We don't offer answers or advice, but through recovery - we share our experience, strength and hope with each other and give each person the right of making their own choices as more is revealed.
As pointed out, the disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's considered a family disease as it reaches well beyond the drinker and affects most who love them or live with them. We often developed distorted views and thoughts because of the disease, and these affect our actions, reactions, thoughts and emotions.
Going to Al-Anon meetings can open the door for your own recovery. Staying is one option, Leaving is another option, and more may be available as you get your sanity back. I hear you and have been where you are - as I began my own recovery, and stopped living my life based on how others acted, my journey became easier and more clear.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. Glad you found us and glad you joined right in!
el-cee said
Feb 1, 2017
'Has anyone ever forgave someone for instances like this before? How can I trust he won't start drinkibg again? I have asked him over and over through the years and nothing. '
Before I joined Alanon I thought forgiveness was something I gave to my alcoholic and that when I had forgiven it meant I could forget all about the past and pretend it hadnt happened and that when I had forgiven it would never happen again and so now I could get on with living the life I was trying to get in the first place. I kind of saw myself as the judge and jury and that I must forgive if things are to get better and for trust to return.
I was wrong. Now I know what forgiveness is. It took me time working the Alanon recovery program diligently. Learning it, studying it, working through the wreckage of my own denial. My years of pretending and controlling. It took time and it was a whole process and I don't think anyone here or anywhere can get you the answers you are looking for. Its your job and its only there when you really really want it.
Ive forgiven my ex ah for the most part and it came through learning that he suffers from a terrible disease called alcoholism and that I too suffered from it, the only difference was I didnt drink to run away from it but I didnt know anything about it and all the while my family, him, me and 3 kids got sicker and sicker. I learned we all suffered from distorted and disturbed thought processes that kept us from living life with some joy and happiness. I learned what gratitude meant and that even in this mess I had lots to be grateful for. I learned to forgive myself and that I did the best with what I had, its hard to forgive the Mother I was which was mostly neglectful due to my obsession with the drinker. Learning to forgive myself allowed me to forgive him and thats kind of how it works. Work on yourself and love for yourself and others returns, forgiveness for self and compassion leads to forgiveness and compassion for others.
Its like learning a brand new way to see the World so instead of darkness and misery and suspicion and resentment the World takes on a new look to it. It becomes brighter, filled with good things and good people are everywhere. I hope you get to a meeting in your community and begin this journey It will be the best most loving gift you can give yourself and your whole family, especially your wee children.
kzoomom79 said
Feb 2, 2017
So, I have made up my mind. Finally. I have decided to attend my first meeting. I need to do this for myself. I need to learn how to cope, recover, and forgive. Whether that forgiveness is for me or for him. He tell me all the time "I will never ever want to hurt you again", "I can't loose you or our son", "I don't know what to do without you". I can't let his guilt trips suck me in again.
So with someone who can be manipulative like this, what is the best advice you can give me to tell him I am going to a meeting?
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2017
kzoomom79 - I did not tell anyone anything. I just stated simply that I had plans. If pressured, you are welcome to suggest you are going to a spiritual study group....it's true and it's not referencing the disease in any way/shape/form.
Good luck - you can do this and I'd love to hear back how it went for you!!
Jazzie18 said
Feb 2, 2017
Good for you on making the choice. I too did not tell my husband though I didn't really have to as I went during lunch at work. My view is, this is my recovery and he has his recovery (AA). I barely ask him questions about his meetings and he doesn't really ask about mine. I think what Iamhere said about a spiritual study group is a great idea as you aren't lying. If you do have to tell him I would go with that. Best of luck and I hope you find a great face-to-face meeting.
kzoomom79 said
Feb 2, 2017
I really wish he would go to AA meetings. He still says he doesn't have a problem. He says he still does not wany a drink right now.
Unfortunately, at dinner last week he said he was going to have a beer on his birthday (Feb 9).
I do know, until he realizes his has the problem he won't move forward. :( I wull though!!
serenity47 said
Feb 2, 2017
If you feel the need to tell him where you are going, you can also be direct and simply state I am going to an Al-anon meeting for me because that is the truth. He doesn't have to like it, approve of it, endorse it or change his behavior because you are not going for him you are going for you to find out ways to live your life and be happy irregardless what anyone else is doing or not doing.
kzoomom79 said
Feb 3, 2017
Well I went to my meeting today. I truly am not the only one dealing with a spouse like this. It was eye opening! I am going back next week, and the week after and going to try to slide a couple more in there too!
Iamhere said
Feb 3, 2017
kzoomom - great on you for stepping out and getting to a meeting! Glad that you found some similarities....that helps when we look for what's similar vs. how different things are!
I don't know the size of your location, but attending other groups is always an option - as many meetings as you can find will help you get acclimated!
Keep coming back here too! Pat yourself on the back - congratulations!
So this goes back awhile. When I was pregnant for Our son My husband was never home. He was always out drinking with his buddies. Coming home late and drunk quite often. He told me our sons room would be finished before he was born.NOPE!
After I had our son I thought he would change.Nope. He still was out drinking and hanging with his buddies all the time. He did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. If I asked him to watch our son was like pulling teeth. He would tell me I needed to find a sitter because he had plans. I would have to take our son with me to the salon with me for appointments (for example) or call his Dad to come watch him. Our son always went grocery shopping with me. The only time I didnt have our son was when I was at work. My husband always went to a buddys house after work to drink and hang out.
When I would ask him to get our son from daycare the excuse was always I dont know if I will get out of work in time to go get him. I was never able to do anything after work with friends. He would tell me that I never tell you no you cant go do something but there was always an excuse or reason he couldnt watch him. I started to feel trapped in my own home.
This summer I wanted to take our son to a balloon festival. My husband didnt want to go because he said he had been there as a kid and didnt need to go back. I wanted to take our son to a thing out to a fall park, the one day we planned on going it was raining so we didnt, so he never mentioned to me about going as a family again. I took our son by myself and a co-worker.
Lets talk about how many times he goes back to my mom and dads house with me. Not often enough. Maybe 1 2 times a year. I go back about once a month so mom and dad can see and play with our son. He gives me grief every time I go back too just about. He says to me why are you out running the roads, you are going to run the wheels off that car. Lets talk about how he didnt go to my grandmas funeral 2 years ago because it was opening day of gun season (Nov. 15), lets talk about how when my grandpa died I needed to fly to Florida urgently and he asked me if I was taking our son with me (in that instance I told him no, Our son was staying home with him). Lets talk about when my friend Heathers dad died and she was up at Spectrum Hospital waiting on her sister to get into town from Colorado and he told me that he didnt understand why I had to go up there, I didnt talk to her much anymore. What about when I had to put my dog down, he was drunk and couldnt take her to the vet, I had to. Thank god in that instance our son didnt wake up while I was gone. Oh and Mothers Day last year, he was so hungover he laid on the couch all day. Sometimes I feel like he did some of these things because he was trying to control the fact that I was home and he knew where I was at all the time. When I am out, he will ask me how long I plan on being gone, or what time I plan on coming home. He never has the decency to tell me those things.
After a long night of drinking, my husband has made s**ty comments to me. Like you look bloated, or you need your moustache waxed, your hair looks greasy, you do a s**ty job grocery shopping. When he was drinking he always made comments to me about how if he didnt do anything around the house nothing would get done. When I ask him about these or tell him how it hurt my feelings bad he tells me he was joking. I need to learn to take a joke from time to time.
I have felt like a single mom with a dual income for the first 2 ˝ years of Our sons life.
Now he has stopped drinking (for 1 week), and is home all the time, and wants to go do family things together. He tells me he is sorry for all the things he has done to hurt me in the past.
I feel like my husband is a controlling, manipulative, alcoholic and selfish man.
I dont know if I can forgive him. Should I? I am scared to hurt him. Should I be? He has hurt me so much in the past, I almost feel like I should just move on from it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 31st of January 2017 02:59:02 PM
No one can tell you if you can forgive him or not or if you should leave. What I would suggest, if you aren't already, is to attend a face to face meeting. When I first came in to Al-Anon I was a single mom living with dual income and an alcoholic husband. I really resented him for missing so much with the kids and for not being there emotionally for us. I thought I was ready to leave and started going to face to face meetings. In al-anon they tell you not to make any decisions for the first 6 months. I was relieved that I didn't have to make a decision on if I was going to leave him or not. Things changed in that first 6 months. For one, my husband finally got sober and his personality totally changed for the better. The second thing that happened to me is I realized how angry/resentful I was at him. I thought once he got sober everything would be so great but in fact I was finally feeling my true feelings that I had bottled up for so many years. It took over a year for me to sort through these feelings and to let the resentment and anger go. I say this because it may take you a little while to do the same. Please be kind and patient with yourself. The answer isn't going to come right away but hopefully with the help of this program you will know what is the right decision for you and your child.
Welcome Kzoomom I do hear you and understand the pain and indecision with which you are coping. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who have dealt with the insanity and need a program of their own to recover their self-esteem and self-worth. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. It is at these meetings that I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease, and was given constructive new tools to live by. I was then able to make an informed choice as to what direction my life should go.
You are not alone and no one will give you advice only support you until you were able to make your own decisions.
Please keep coming back you're not alone
Now he has stopped drinking (for 1 week), and is home all the time, and wants to go do family things together. He tells me he is sorry for all the things he has done to hurt me in the past.
That is how the disease works a lot of the time...she changes and I am left with the insanity and then I learned "Well it is YOUR insanity right"? Besides getting angry at that realization I also acknowledged that it really was mine. Getting into and working the program as suggested by the old timers got me out of the insanity and cleared up the picture so that I could see much better at what was hers, what was mine and what was ours and it took time....the best time I have had in my life.
Should I stay or go? I did both and when we parted she was sober and so was I and I understood that those were not the only qualifications for being married...Years later I remarried a woman in Al-Anon recovery and life is much more easy...not perfect ...easy. I have my side of the street to keep up and so does she...its good. Keep coming back. Congratulations on the change. ((((hugs))))
I have been struggling with the idea of leaving for awhile now (like 8 months). I have just been to afraid to pull the trigger. With his recent "quitting" drinking it has almost made me madder at him. I had asked him for years to quit drinking and he never did until his mom had to say something to him.
I guess I need advice on how I can ever forgive him? Can I? Has anyone ever forgave someone for instances like this before? How can I trust he won't start drinkibg again? I have asked him over and over through the years and nothing.
-- Edited by kzoomom79 on Tuesday 31st of January 2017 08:43:27 PM
As pointed out, the disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's considered a family disease as it reaches well beyond the drinker and affects most who love them or live with them. We often developed distorted views and thoughts because of the disease, and these affect our actions, reactions, thoughts and emotions.
Going to Al-Anon meetings can open the door for your own recovery. Staying is one option, Leaving is another option, and more may be available as you get your sanity back. I hear you and have been where you are - as I began my own recovery, and stopped living my life based on how others acted, my journey became easier and more clear.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. Glad you found us and glad you joined right in!
Before I joined Alanon I thought forgiveness was something I gave to my alcoholic and that when I had forgiven it meant I could forget all about the past and pretend it hadnt happened and that when I had forgiven it would never happen again and so now I could get on with living the life I was trying to get in the first place. I kind of saw myself as the judge and jury and that I must forgive if things are to get better and for trust to return.
I was wrong. Now I know what forgiveness is. It took me time working the Alanon recovery program diligently. Learning it, studying it, working through the wreckage of my own denial. My years of pretending and controlling. It took time and it was a whole process and I don't think anyone here or anywhere can get you the answers you are looking for. Its your job and its only there when you really really want it.
Ive forgiven my ex ah for the most part and it came through learning that he suffers from a terrible disease called alcoholism and that I too suffered from it, the only difference was I didnt drink to run away from it but I didnt know anything about it and all the while my family, him, me and 3 kids got sicker and sicker. I learned we all suffered from distorted and disturbed thought processes that kept us from living life with some joy and happiness. I learned what gratitude meant and that even in this mess I had lots to be grateful for. I learned to forgive myself and that I did the best with what I had, its hard to forgive the Mother I was which was mostly neglectful due to my obsession with the drinker. Learning to forgive myself allowed me to forgive him and thats kind of how it works. Work on yourself and love for yourself and others returns, forgiveness for self and compassion leads to forgiveness and compassion for others.
Its like learning a brand new way to see the World so instead of darkness and misery and suspicion and resentment the World takes on a new look to it. It becomes brighter, filled with good things and good people are everywhere. I hope you get to a meeting in your community and begin this journey It will be the best most loving gift you can give yourself and your whole family, especially your wee children.
So with someone who can be manipulative like this, what is the best advice you can give me to tell him I am going to a meeting?
Good luck - you can do this and I'd love to hear back how it went for you!!
I don't know the size of your location, but attending other groups is always an option - as many meetings as you can find will help you get acclimated!
Keep coming back here too! Pat yourself on the back - congratulations!