Hello, I have had a AH for many years. I love my home, my relatives, my job, my husband when he is sober. He has had many months of sobriety on and off. I can't stand him when he walks in the door and I know by his mannerisms before he even gets a word out. Lately, I'm really reaching my boiling point. I read my One Day at a Time and My Courage to Change Book. I am upstairs right now while he is in front of the TV. Can't stand to be in the same room. Many times I want to run and other times to cope. There have been amazing good times and awful times. I know I didn't cause, can't cure or control.
If you have left your marriage or relationship, do you move, tell the other person to move, get an attorney first, just move and get out before any arguments start?
I am feeling so confused. We had a death in the family 2 days ago and now I am dealing with this on top of it.
Also, when he walked in (because I am experiencing grief) I said "oh great, you were drinking again." And he denied it. Previously he agreed to tell the truth but today it was lies, lies, lies.
Thank you for your support. I feel so alone and overwhelmed.
hotrod said
Jan 29, 2017
((Wife)) I did not leave my marriage (for very long) even though I dealt with the insanity for many years.
I just thought I would share that you are not alone and there are many who have walked the same road as you, Al-Anon meetings, the steps, a sponsor helped me to detach, focus on myself and find some joy regardless of what my hubby was doing,. I had to discard the expectation of honesty as it was just self-defeating. Al-Anon suggests that we don't ask questions that we already know the answer to so I stopped doing that.
I'm glad you're reading this. C2C and ODA T they are very helpful. I do hope someone else post. You can share the journey with you
shrnp said
Jan 29, 2017
wifeofalcoholic,
I do not like being around any alcoholics. I really cannot stand it anymore. Mostly, because the alcoholics I know are never sober. I happen to be talking to my ex-bf while he is beginning his recovery process because he was very sick. I have been so depressed the past 20 days. Yesterday my grandson was at my house and we laughed and sang songs. It was so nice. I will probably have kinder words tomorrow, but alcoholism sucks the life out of you. I am new, so I am sure there are some good sayings to describe that. Try to concentrate on yourself, I am sorry for your loss.
andromeda said
Jan 29, 2017
I'm sorry about your family's grief and the loss you have sustained. It's harder to cope with other things when you're also dealing with active alcoholism. I remember 5 years ago dealing with my father's process of dying and then also dealing with my XAH's spiraling alcoholism. I was so messed up and anxious at the time.
All I can say is that you are not alone, that everything is temporary,and that there is hope. If you want to leave your marriage, I suggest you research your state laws and do a free consultation with a lawyer. Also, a counseling session with a therapist might help you gain clarity as to what you want your future to look like. There are no 'musts' in Al Anon, so take your time, gather information, and know that you don't have to decide anything tomorrow or even the next day.
PS: it took me 3 years to actually leave my marriage and file for divorce. I just never felt clear as to where I should go with things and I was still raising our son. I didn't even stay because I loved him. I stayed because it was just easier and what I had become comfortable with. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving.....that was when I decided to leave. It was definitely a process. We are here to listen and support you! HUGS!
Bethany66 said
Jan 31, 2017
Wife,
I found volume 4 of a series of books by Toby Rice Drews called "Getting Them Sober" that helped me while figuring out where to go from here. Volume 4 deals with "Separations and Healings". I have made no decisions, but it helped me to read about how to formulate a plan if that is what I eventually feel led to do.
It is not an easy road, regardless of what path we choose.
Dell22 said
Jan 31, 2017
Fortunately I was not married to my alcoholic friend, and I only knew him for one year, so it was easier for me to say good bye. It was hard but now I feel free. I realize I was catering to an alcoholic and putting myself last. But it was my first experience with an alcoholic and I didn't know how to react. After I found out he was lying about attending AA is when I decided that at my age, 65, I was not going to put myself through this. I cared about him but now I realize I care about me more. but I do understand and have felt your pain and frustration. I hope you can find the strength and courage to do what is best for you.
Iamhere said
Feb 1, 2017
I am sorry for your pain and can also validate that loving an alcoholic is not an easy path. When I came to recovery, and began to focus on me, I was able to see things in me that I could change that would make my life easier. Putting me first and living my life spiritually was the turning point. I'm still married to my A and while he's not changed much, I've changed tons...
I accept that he's not a bad person, rather he's a sick person. I have come to 'see' that he does not want to be sick, and suffers from low self-esteem and self-worth. Untreated, he's lonely and almost isolated from reality - almost on an island unto himself. I did not meet/marry/love him because he was perfect and do not stay because he is sick/drunk/broken. Relationships are complicated, and we've been able to carve out our own peace and sanity in spite of all that's 'real' because we mutually respect each other enough to try and adhere to boundaries.
I learned in recovery to forgive - myself and others as we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. As I progress through my recovery and practice these principles in all my affairs, I learn to impose boundaries and take care of me in sticky situations. I am not fond of being around drunk people, so always ensure I have a Plan B, just for me. Rarely do I have to impose drastic measures - there is peace in just knowing I have choices and an alternate plan.
I have seen marriages fall apart in recovery, others upright themselves and still others just take on a new format. There is no right/wrong answer - we each are given the dignity and grace to do what makes sense for us. What's also great about recovery - what's great today may change! That's OK too.
Keep coming back - it works when we work it!
milkwood said
Feb 2, 2017
I am so sorry that have suffered a bereavement in your family, sending ((((hugs)))))
As I read your post I was reminded of how my thoughts would spin as I tried to decide whether to leave my marriage or not. It is a horrid place to be because, in my case anyway, I didn't want a failed marriage, or to move house, or to be alone. Then I read somewhere that I didn't have to solve everything today.
I decided that whether I stayed or left I would still need to learn how to live my life on different terms so I decided to get some practise in whilst still remaining in the marriage. One of the reasons why I did this is that I like my home and my animals and I wasn't ready to move away from all I had invested in - I figured that would make me feel a whole lot of resentment and I didn't want to feel that! . I did promise myself that I would look after my self-esteem though and I try to listen to how I'm feeling and to give myself what I need in that moment. For example, when I was grieving for a lost loved one, I needed to grieve and remember them and cry. And I needed a safe space to do that. I gave myself permission to do all I needed, knowing full well that I would also give myself small treats and a bit of loving care as as well.
Overall, I took up hobbies and new interests and I gave myself breaks whenever I felt that I needed them - sometimes monthly holidays - either staying with friends or in small hotels. All this felt very counter-intuitive to me initially. It took me a while to stop worrying about what might be happening at home but that came with time.
I told my husband that I needed to do these things for me and that I was protecting my sanity and self-esteem. He understood. I was not trying to change what he was doing and I asked him to give me the same level of respect.
I still have masses to learn but I'm taking it nice and easy and trying to be honest with myself and with my husband as well.
I'm sorry you are going through this, when we keep choosing what is right for us, day by day, we can't go far wrong. ((((Hugs)))))
SerenityRUS said
Feb 3, 2017
Hugs,
For me the choice became is the emotional pain outweigh the emotional gain and it took me a while to figure that out. My XAH helped me because he started being unfaithful. I have no idea why that was the tripping point for me however it was not the drinking it was the everything else.
I would suggest that based upon what you have shared it would be prudent to get your bearings first meaning HALT, work with a sponsor and attend meetings. It is so much better to go through this with a steady hand and head.
In my case I asked my XAH to leave and he did so gratefully because thankfully he could not deal with my crying .. lol. I find this amusing now. He left there was drama after that when I filed. I have 2 children one will be 18 this year and the other has a few more years to go. It was a nasty divorce. Partly because of me, partly because the attorney's on either side did not understand what they were dealing with and partly because of him and his continued bad decisions. He is in my opinion still not ok. Different issue.
Do the footwork first and then decide what you want. Go or stay both are difficult choices and they each have their own consequences good and not so good.
If you ask me am I sorry I left (asked him to leave whatever .. lol) I will tell you absolutely not. It was honestly the best decision for both of us.
Hugs S :)
KimimilaDevi said
Feb 4, 2017
"andromeda wrote:
PS: it took me 3 years to actually leave my marriage and file for divorce. I just never felt clear as to where I should go with things and I was still raising our son. I didn't even stay because I loved him. I stayed because it was just easier and what I had become comfortable with. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving.....that was when I decided to leave. It was definitely a process. We are here to listen and support you! HUGS!"
Hi everyone, Im new here. My bf is using a narcotic...addiction is addiction so I think Im still in the right place here as far as family and friends of addicts right? Im at a cross roads and I can make that jump to leave and not come back. Currently if I leave its over him not communicating with me or poorly lying and I call him on it and we argue to the point where I just need to go.
Andromeda you nailed it that what it seems like Im waiting for and honestly when any love I have is totally gone... I do love this man. I know the disease is progressive. I know if I stay and he keeps using I will go down the tubes with him and lose everything. I also know I dont want to do that. I know I deserve more. I've had wonderful relationships in the past and I know I deserve to have one again with someone.
But as Im waiting for this pain to of staying to be greater then the pain of leaving Im losing myself and I feel like I am getting as sick as he is.
Im waiting for him to come home now after finding parts of his works...something that he said he hasn't dont in 20 years...and said he had no desire to.
My dog recently was diagnosed as a diabetic and I have to give him shots...it never occurred to me that the bf would start shooting again. (its not heroine or pills so you all have some kind of idea of whats being used.)
He's going lie, he's going to be manipulative. Its the usual order... but I stay.
This changes the 'game'. Im not sure what to do at the moment...
SerenityRUS...its the everything else for me also.
-- Edited by KimimilaDevi on Saturday 4th of February 2017 07:37:11 PM
-- Edited by KimimilaDevi on Saturday 4th of February 2017 07:38:05 PM
Iamhere said
Feb 4, 2017
kimimiladevi - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared.....we welcome anyone who is having issues with a family member or friend's addiction issues. I will warn you that some Al-Anon meetings are less liberal with addiction vs. alcoholism - I'm not...
I do encourage you to seek out Al-Anon or Nar-Anon if it's available in your world. Having local support with like-minded folks is a gift beyond words for me. I love here too but it's not the same - yet another great tool!
Addiction/alcoholism are both considered family diseases. What this means is everyone gets sucked in and manages to get their own kind of crazy. Most of us worry too much, try to control, manage, enable, overreact and more - we lose track of up/down even at times.
The disease is progressive and is never cured. Abstinence is the best defense for the user and our side of the recovery is all about focusing on us, finding our peace and joy again, and allowing others the right to do what they are going to do.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Hello, I have had a AH for many years. I love my home, my relatives, my job, my husband when he is sober. He has had many months of sobriety on and off. I can't stand him when he walks in the door and I know by his mannerisms before he even gets a word out. Lately, I'm really reaching my boiling point. I read my One Day at a Time and My Courage to Change Book. I am upstairs right now while he is in front of the TV. Can't stand to be in the same room. Many times I want to run and other times to cope. There have been amazing good times and awful times. I know I didn't cause, can't cure or control.
If you have left your marriage or relationship, do you move, tell the other person to move, get an attorney first, just move and get out before any arguments start?
I am feeling so confused. We had a death in the family 2 days ago and now I am dealing with this on top of it.
Also, when he walked in (because I am experiencing grief) I said "oh great, you were drinking again." And he denied it. Previously he agreed to tell the truth but today it was lies, lies, lies.
Thank you for your support. I feel so alone and overwhelmed.
((Wife)) I did not leave my marriage (for very long) even though I dealt with the insanity for many years.
I just thought I would share that you are not alone and there are many who have walked the same road as you, Al-Anon meetings, the steps, a sponsor helped me to detach, focus on myself and find some joy regardless of what my hubby was doing,. I had to discard the expectation of honesty as it was just self-defeating. Al-Anon suggests that we don't ask questions that we already know the answer to so I stopped doing that.
I'm glad you're reading this. C2C and ODA T they are very helpful. I do hope someone else post. You can share the journey with you
I do not like being around any alcoholics. I really cannot stand it anymore. Mostly, because the alcoholics I know are never sober. I happen to be talking to my ex-bf while he is beginning his recovery process because he was very sick. I have been so depressed the past 20 days. Yesterday my grandson was at my house and we laughed and sang songs. It was so nice. I will probably have kinder words tomorrow, but alcoholism sucks the life out of you. I am new, so I am sure there are some good sayings to describe that. Try to concentrate on yourself, I am sorry for your loss.
All I can say is that you are not alone, that everything is temporary,and that there is hope. If you want to leave your marriage, I suggest you research your state laws and do a free consultation with a lawyer. Also, a counseling session with a therapist might help you gain clarity as to what you want your future to look like. There are no 'musts' in Al Anon, so take your time, gather information, and know that you don't have to decide anything tomorrow or even the next day.
PS: it took me 3 years to actually leave my marriage and file for divorce. I just never felt clear as to where I should go with things and I was still raising our son. I didn't even stay because I loved him. I stayed because it was just easier and what I had become comfortable with. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving.....that was when I decided to leave. It was definitely a process. We are here to listen and support you! HUGS!
I found volume 4 of a series of books by Toby Rice Drews called "Getting Them Sober" that helped me while figuring out where to go from here. Volume 4 deals with "Separations and Healings". I have made no decisions, but it helped me to read about how to formulate a plan if that is what I eventually feel led to do.
It is not an easy road, regardless of what path we choose.
Fortunately I was not married to my alcoholic friend, and I only knew him for one year, so it was easier for me to say good bye. It was hard but now I feel free. I realize I was catering to an alcoholic and putting myself last. But it was my first experience with an alcoholic and I didn't know how to react. After I found out he was lying about attending AA is when I decided that at my age, 65, I was not going to put myself through this. I cared about him but now I realize I care about me more. but I do understand and have felt your pain and frustration. I hope you can find the strength and courage to do what is best for you.
I accept that he's not a bad person, rather he's a sick person. I have come to 'see' that he does not want to be sick, and suffers from low self-esteem and self-worth. Untreated, he's lonely and almost isolated from reality - almost on an island unto himself. I did not meet/marry/love him because he was perfect and do not stay because he is sick/drunk/broken. Relationships are complicated, and we've been able to carve out our own peace and sanity in spite of all that's 'real' because we mutually respect each other enough to try and adhere to boundaries.
I learned in recovery to forgive - myself and others as we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. As I progress through my recovery and practice these principles in all my affairs, I learn to impose boundaries and take care of me in sticky situations. I am not fond of being around drunk people, so always ensure I have a Plan B, just for me. Rarely do I have to impose drastic measures - there is peace in just knowing I have choices and an alternate plan.
I have seen marriages fall apart in recovery, others upright themselves and still others just take on a new format. There is no right/wrong answer - we each are given the dignity and grace to do what makes sense for us. What's also great about recovery - what's great today may change! That's OK too.
Keep coming back - it works when we work it!
As I read your post I was reminded of how my thoughts would spin as I tried to decide whether to leave my marriage or not. It is a horrid place to be because, in my case anyway, I didn't want a failed marriage, or to move house, or to be alone. Then I read somewhere that I didn't have to solve everything today.
I decided that whether I stayed or left I would still need to learn how to live my life on different terms so I decided to get some practise in whilst still remaining in the marriage. One of the reasons why I did this is that I like my home and my animals and I wasn't ready to move away from all I had invested in - I figured that would make me feel a whole lot of resentment and I didn't want to feel that!
Overall, I took up hobbies and new interests and I gave myself breaks whenever I felt that I needed them - sometimes monthly holidays - either staying with friends or in small hotels. All this felt very counter-intuitive to me initially. It took me a while to stop worrying about what might be happening at home but that came with time.
I told my husband that I needed to do these things for me and that I was protecting my sanity and self-esteem. He understood. I was not trying to change what he was doing and I asked him to give me the same level of respect.
I still have masses to learn but I'm taking it nice and easy and trying to be honest with myself and with my husband as well.
I'm sorry you are going through this, when we keep choosing what is right for us, day by day, we can't go far wrong. ((((Hugs)))))
For me the choice became is the emotional pain outweigh the emotional gain and it took me a while to figure that out. My XAH helped me because he started being unfaithful. I have no idea why that was the tripping point for me however it was not the drinking it was the everything else.
I would suggest that based upon what you have shared it would be prudent to get your bearings first meaning HALT, work with a sponsor and attend meetings. It is so much better to go through this with a steady hand and head.
In my case I asked my XAH to leave and he did so gratefully because thankfully he could not deal with my crying .. lol. I find this amusing now. He left there was drama after that when I filed. I have 2 children one will be 18 this year and the other has a few more years to go. It was a nasty divorce. Partly because of me, partly because the attorney's on either side did not understand what they were dealing with and partly because of him and his continued bad decisions. He is in my opinion still not ok. Different issue.
Do the footwork first and then decide what you want. Go or stay both are difficult choices and they each have their own consequences good and not so good.
If you ask me am I sorry I left (asked him to leave whatever .. lol) I will tell you absolutely not. It was honestly the best decision for both of us.
Hugs S :)
Hi everyone, Im new here. My bf is using a narcotic...addiction is addiction so I think Im still in the right place here as far as family and friends of addicts right? Im at a cross roads and I can make that jump to leave and not come back. Currently if I leave its over him not communicating with me or poorly lying and I call him on it and we argue to the point where I just need to go.
Andromeda you nailed it that what it seems like Im waiting for and honestly when any love I have is totally gone... I do love this man. I know the disease is progressive. I know if I stay and he keeps using I will go down the tubes with him and lose everything. I also know I dont want to do that. I know I deserve more. I've had wonderful relationships in the past and I know I deserve to have one again with someone.
But as Im waiting for this pain to of staying to be greater then the pain of leaving Im losing myself and I feel like I am getting as sick as he is.
Im waiting for him to come home now after finding parts of his works...something that he said he hasn't dont in 20 years...and said he had no desire to.
My dog recently was diagnosed as a diabetic and I have to give him shots...it never occurred to me that the bf would start shooting again. (its not heroine or pills so you all have some kind of idea of whats being used.)
He's going lie, he's going to be manipulative. Its the usual order... but I stay.
This changes the 'game'. Im not sure what to do at the moment...
SerenityRUS...its the everything else for me also.
-- Edited by KimimilaDevi on Saturday 4th of February 2017 07:37:11 PM
-- Edited by KimimilaDevi on Saturday 4th of February 2017 07:38:05 PM
I do encourage you to seek out Al-Anon or Nar-Anon if it's available in your world. Having local support with like-minded folks is a gift beyond words for me. I love here too but it's not the same - yet another great tool!
Addiction/alcoholism are both considered family diseases. What this means is everyone gets sucked in and manages to get their own kind of crazy. Most of us worry too much, try to control, manage, enable, overreact and more - we lose track of up/down even at times.
The disease is progressive and is never cured. Abstinence is the best defense for the user and our side of the recovery is all about focusing on us, finding our peace and joy again, and allowing others the right to do what they are going to do.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!