I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and about a year ago he decided he wanted to get sober. I was happy to see him want to make a change but it has been a rocky road for us. We recently decided to move into together in May. His drinking became a game and he was now trying to be sneaky and hide it from me. I have found numerous bottles hidden, lying about when he's done with work, and then lying to be about being drunk when it's clear as day. It is now to a point that I'm so frustrated, I have a hard time seeing the positives in all this. I feel like he doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't want to better himself. The bickering back and forth is becoming too stressful and the lack of trust is awful as well. I just need advice on where to go from here. What can I do?
Freetime said
Jan 29, 2017
Hello and welcome. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You are not alone. This situation, sadly, is common with alcoholism -- as I learned when I, too, reached that point of stress and broken trust.
It's understandable that we search for hidden bottles, realize we've been lied to, and confront the person ... but I learned that this does no good. So what can we do instead?
I did exactly what you are doing now, and I am so grateful. I reached out to Alanon. In my case, I found a local meeting and started attending weekly. I started reading everything I could find about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects the person with the disease and those around them. Face-to-face meetings are best, but if that is not possible, there are telephone meetings here and online meetings on this site.
I learned that the way to calmness and peace of mind had to start with focusing on myself and taking care of myself. It was not an instant cure, but grew over time as I worked the Alanon program.
We have some slogans that can help in the moment: I like "One Day At A Time", and "Bless them, change me." It may sound strange, but it works.
Iamhere said
Jan 29, 2017
Hello aras - welcome to MIP. I too found myself a bit lost, frustrated, mad, sad and just lost....I too reached out to Al-Anon and am grateful! Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it's never cured - only arrested if/when one chooses recovery. It's considered a family disease, which means it reaches beyond the drinker and negatively affects those who live with or love them.
Al-Anon is our recovery program and helps us to deal/heal with the affects. Meetings will offer you local support and a framework for recovery. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone....There is always hope and help in recovery!!
Fooled said
Jan 29, 2017
I will share on this as it was almost one year ago today that I reached out to this group with those exact same feelings. Frustration with him, his gaslighting, his drinking, his behaviors. I was an angry beast, obsessed with him. The thing is alcoholics lie, alcoholics deny, alcoholics hide the amount they drink, they engage in less than stellar behaviors. Accepting that part of the disease was difficult. Owning up to my part in his lying, denying, and being sneaky was even harder. The phrase that finally hit me and made sense was from a song on the "oldies" station by the Bangles "Ask me no questions and I will tell you no Lies" Why do I need him to admit to me that he was drinking? I can see it! Why do I need to confront him with his hidden beer cans? I know who's they are. Instead of behaving in my usually self righteous way, turning it over to my HP, all of the lies, sneakiness and drinking usually were revealed in their own time, own way, exactly as my HP wanted them to be. The insanity of living with an alcoholic is not the alcoholic but our reaction to the alcoholic and their behaviors, consequences, and insanity. Al-Anon gave me the opportunity to learn new tools and coping skills to turn the focus on myself, embrace the fellowship of like minded people and start my own journey to return to sanity that has really nothing to do with my A.
hotrod said
Jan 29, 2017
Welcome I support the recommendation that you search out alnon face to face meetings and attend Here you will find the support so necessary to the rebuilding of your self esteem as well as new tools to live by You are not alone
arasrallim said
Jan 29, 2017
Thank you for your advice, I will do my best to focus on myself. As for being stressed out all the time and worrying about if he is drinking or not, how do you handle that? How do you go about your day and not let the fear of him being drunk take over. I feel like I'm not performing at my jobs to my fullest potential because I'm constantly worrying about if he is being sneaky or drunk. I let my mind wonder so much that I come to unrealistic assumptions and drive myself crazy.
hotrod said
Jan 29, 2017
I can identify and that is why alanon meetings are important. Here you will receive new tools to live by so as to stay in the moment and in the day, focused on yourself.
Jerry F said
Jan 29, 2017
((((arasrallim)))) you have come to the right place and the door to the Worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups...this isn't a small family and alcoholism is a worldwide disease which if not arrested by total abstinence leads to insanity and death. Seems like you are already experiencing the insanity part which all of us also have done and still do time and again. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling and has been for thousands of years. You are in the right place as so many of us have learned to regain sanity and live happy fruitful lives whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Yes you are at a loss as well you should be for now and as you learn what we have learned that will diminish greatly.
One of the things you might do is ask yourself what you would offer to your best friend should they be telling you what you have told us. Getting to face to face meetings is gold and early on is what saved my sanity and peace of mind. Reading our literature is also gold as it has almost entirely been written by the fellowship. Checking in here daily and reading what is shared is what I do daily to get taught and reminded what works and what doesn't.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Fooled said
Jan 30, 2017
as for question on how to handle the day to day obsessing......step 3. turning it over to my higher power. do yourself the favor and find a face to face meeting. they have them on line here as well. there is a sign at my new home group that says after 6 meetings you are not completely satisfied we will gladly return your insanity
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and about a year ago he decided he wanted to get sober. I was happy to see him want to make a change but it has been a rocky road for us. We recently decided to move into together in May. His drinking became a game and he was now trying to be sneaky and hide it from me. I have found numerous bottles hidden, lying about when he's done with work, and then lying to be about being drunk when it's clear as day. It is now to a point that I'm so frustrated, I have a hard time seeing the positives in all this. I feel like he doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't want to better himself. The bickering back and forth is becoming too stressful and the lack of trust is awful as well. I just need advice on where to go from here. What can I do?
Hello and welcome. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You are not alone. This situation, sadly, is common with alcoholism -- as I learned when I, too, reached that point of stress and broken trust.
It's understandable that we search for hidden bottles, realize we've been lied to, and confront the person ... but I learned that this does no good. So what can we do instead?
I did exactly what you are doing now, and I am so grateful. I reached out to Alanon. In my case, I found a local meeting and started attending weekly. I started reading everything I could find about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects the person with the disease and those around them. Face-to-face meetings are best, but if that is not possible, there are telephone meetings here and online meetings on this site.
I learned that the way to calmness and peace of mind had to start with focusing on myself and taking care of myself. It was not an instant cure, but grew over time as I worked the Alanon program.
We have some slogans that can help in the moment: I like "One Day At A Time", and "Bless them, change me." It may sound strange, but it works.
Al-Anon is our recovery program and helps us to deal/heal with the affects. Meetings will offer you local support and a framework for recovery. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone....There is always hope and help in recovery!!
Thank you for your advice, I will do my best to focus on myself. As for being stressed out all the time and worrying about if he is drinking or not, how do you handle that? How do you go about your day and not let the fear of him being drunk take over. I feel like I'm not performing at my jobs to my fullest potential because I'm constantly worrying about if he is being sneaky or drunk. I let my mind wonder so much that I come to unrealistic assumptions and drive myself crazy.
((((arasrallim)))) you have come to the right place and the door to the Worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups...this isn't a small family and alcoholism is a worldwide disease which if not arrested by total abstinence leads to insanity and death. Seems like you are already experiencing the insanity part which all of us also have done and still do time and again. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling and has been for thousands of years. You are in the right place as so many of us have learned to regain sanity and live happy fruitful lives whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Yes you are at a loss as well you should be for now and as you learn what we have learned that will diminish greatly.
One of the things you might do is ask yourself what you would offer to your best friend should they be telling you what you have told us. Getting to face to face meetings is gold and early on is what saved my sanity and peace of mind. Reading our literature is also gold as it has almost entirely been written by the fellowship. Checking in here daily and reading what is shared is what I do daily to get taught and reminded what works and what doesn't.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))