I divorced an alcoholic two years ago.  We have a small child together and since my ex was not happy about my decision to divorce, a custody battle ensued and it was a highly contentious divorce.  I had hoped and prayed that over time, the relationship between my ex and I would get better but we have instead spent the last two years in and out of court as a result of his drinking while caring for our son.  For example, on one occasion, our child's school refused to allow him to pick up our son because of his condition at pickup and on another occasion I had to pick up our son from a club that my ex is a member of after he drank too much during his parenting time and could not drive - the staff was taking care of our son.  These incidents have now resulted in breathalyzer tests being used during my ex's parenting time to ensure sobriety to protect our son.  After the last incident that prompted the tests, my ex admitted to being an alcoholic and has started an AA program.  I have done my best to be supportive and despite each of the incidents, I have tried to be compassionate to my ex's situation.  My ex however holds a high degree of resentment towards me and as a result he is malicious and uses our son to hurt me any chance he can get.  He blames me for the divorce and he attributes what he describes as a sensitivity to his alcohol use to my family's history with alcohol use.  He also has used the fact that I did not know my father as a basis for claiming that I am emotionally unstable.  His resentment towards me and rationalizations about his drinking have taken a toll on me.  I have periods of time when I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over my decision to divorce and my son not being raised in a traditional family with married parents, etc.  His resentment has impacted our ability to co-parent our son and interact with him jointly as my ex intentionally avoids interacting with me.  If I suggest an activity with our son (who yearns for having us both participate in his activities) - my ex takes the position that we are not a family and that us participating in activities together with our son will somehow damage our son because he will be confused. On the other hand, he doesn't think about the damage of the alcohol or the lack of normalcy of not having both parents jointly involved.  He does other malicious things to hurt me too - he has told me he wanted to work towards a future with me and our son but when I stand firm in holding him accountable to maintain his sobriety, he does a 180 degree change and resorts to name calling and other manipulation tactics.  Most recently, he waited to the morning of my birthday to send me an email to notify me that he has a significant other in his life now.  The significant other didn't bother me as much as his intentional timing and his desire to hurt me on my birthday.  It is becoming more and more difficult for me to brush his resentment towards me off.  I am now really angry about it.  I feel like I have hundreds of reasons to be resentful towards him for our failed marriage and the drinking and a number of other things and he is the one who is resentful towards me.  Even with all of the third party involvement and confirmation of the issues resulting from the drinking, he resents me.  I have focused long and hard over the last 4 years on only controlling the things I can control and I know I cannot control him or his views/feelings but his resentment towards me impacts me deeply.  I am looking for any advice/tools for coping with this situation.  I have a strong desire for peace and healing for both my ex and I as I want our son to grow up in a loving environment where he is not impacted by these issues. 

thanks Viv10

Thank you for the advice and taking time to respond - I am going to work the steps of the program.  i just haven't gotten the courage to attend an in person meeting yet.