I am so mad at mysel! I don't know how to set boundaries and enforce them. I told my AH that in order for him to live at our house he cannot drink. He became violent almost 3 months ago and went to jail and the court ordered him not to drink. That order was lifted a couple weeks ago and now he is back drinking after many humble promises not to. He DJ's at a bar and I told him I cannot drive him to work or pick him up if he's been drinking and he cant come home. So he's been sober but tonight when I went to pick him up and he was drunk. He told me he is just going to go ahead and move out because he wants to drink and it's too stressful for him to be treated like a child. So then i jump in and explain all the hell he puts me and our 3 kids through everytime he drinks. But as we are arguing, I take him home. Even though I have butterflies in my stomach that he might get violent again. And I just pray that God keeps me safe. And as we are arguing he says "Are you atleast going to take me to work tomorrow?" And I say yes just to avoid arguing anymore. Those are both of the things I said I wouldn't do. He told me that he's going to ask as many women in the bar if he can stay on their couch tomorrow night so that way he doesnt have to come home. I can't move out. I have no money to. He believes it's his house too so I shouldn't have the say so if or when he leaves. I am so angry at myself that I'm not stronger and i can only see when he's manipulating me way after the fact!!
hotrod said
Jan 28, 2017
((Dlove)))This is indeed a difficult situation. AA always suggests that people places and things must be avoided if the alcoholic is ever going to stop drinking. Working as a DJ I can understand the desire to continue to party. That's it.
You have already drawn a boundary that because he's been violent and there has been a court order for your home, you still do not feel safe. Driving him to and from his employment is difficult . Remembering that "no" is a complete sentence and that picking him up as an option, I would again review the situation , remember that you can call 911 anytime and detach from his insanity and continue alaon meetings.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
MissM said
Jan 28, 2017
That's a very familiar scenario to me. I also tried to set a rule that my partner could not drink and live with me...after he became violent "one too many times". And he promised and agreed and then somehow it became 'only beer but no spirits' and before long he was defiantly walking in the door with bottles of whiskey and I was back to living in constant fear and not sleeping whenever he was drinking. I couldn't afford to move out, I was trapped...there were so many obstacles.
In the end he didn't pay his half of the rent for a long time and he abused the real estate agent and we were evicted anyway...a mixed blessing I guess. I decided not to move into another place with him, and as a result i was homeless and staying with neighbours for a while, in a single room with my child and our dog and cat...and then we went to my mothers...it all sucked, I won't lie. I mean it really sucked, but I got used to not living in fear and I decided that I really quite liked it. And eventually I managed to rent a little place just for my kid and animals and self and that's the way it stays now. It was hard but it was worth it; it's hard to believe I lived with that much anxiety on a daily basis and didn't collapse completely to be honest.
The thing is, a boundary is about what you will tolerate for yourself but it isn't about what other people can and can't do. "You can't drink" isn't a boundary, it's an order and unfortunately as reasonable as they might be, you can't enforce it and it probably won't work. A boundary is 'i can't tolerate this so i'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't have to". Difficult, yes. But also very empowering.
The safety and serenity of your children and yourself come first; the fact that he can't see that is testament to how much sickness is warping his mind. That's not something you can argue with, it's something you can merely protect yourself from. And you deserve to feel safe!
Enigmatic said
Jan 28, 2017
Thoughts and prayers for you, that's a tough place to be...some good things to think about shared above, please take care of yourself and your children. Whatever you can do in the program: meetings, phone calls to sponsor or other members, read AlAnon books, meditation and prayer with your higher power are more important than ever and will help guide you through this...hang in there
shrnp said
Jan 28, 2017
It is hard to not argue with someone when they are drinking but they are in no state to have a meaningful conversation. Often, they will says things to hurt your feelings. I do not know where you live but the US has a network of shelters for women and children in all of the states. There is also a domestic violence hot line if you ever need someone to talk to. I think they now have an online chat line too. Sometimes it is good to have a safe place even if it is just for a couple of days.
Dlove said
Jan 28, 2017
Thank you so much! I just get so frustrated at myself. I set boundaries and he seems to respect them for a bit which makes me feel strong. And then he gets to a point that he doesn't care and I feel so weak. I'm so mad that I give him that power. Thank you for all your stories. I know I have to do things differently somehow to stay safe.
Iamhere said
Jan 28, 2017
Putting on my AA hat for a moment, I can tell you that drunks do NOT follow rules. It doesn't matter who is setting them (even the law) as our ego suggests they do not apply to us. I'm not saying it's correct - just saying that alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body and soul. When active, there's no rational, logical or intelligent thinking that applies - getting my way and getting altered were the only important things.
Imposing boundaries is hard. Enforcing them is very, very painful and makes imposing them easy. However, in my experience the more often I backed down on boundaries the more they took. Only when I could stand firmly planted with my boundaries, no matter how hard it is did change happen. Boundaries are for self-protection and not punishment. I did have to change some 'rules' when I got to Al-Anon as some of my boundaries were not healthy.
I can relate to where you are and know how maddening it is. In my situation here, only when I got serious about my sanity, my life and my program was I able to stand up straight and make changes necessary for my peace of mind and future. (((Hugs)))
Jerry F said
Jan 28, 2017
The feed back has been so right on and reminds me of when I was there also. I use to fall back on the "I can't do that" response to a call for changing my behaviors and choices until my sponsor helped me to accept the "I won't" response. I won't change is exactly what the alcoholic is doing and saying so someone had to take the lead which was me and which was so scary and hard because it was so different than how I used to feel, think and do. Once I started to "do" the different responses the different consequences started to come about, one being she accepted my changes and started to make changes herself. She didn't make changes to suit me...she did to suit her disease and it all came out in the wash. Today I am better than just okay...(((((hugs)))))
Maresie25 said
Jan 29, 2017
It's easy to beat ourselves up Boundaries are pretty difficult Part of the whole boundary process is in general people don't like them You have to go beyond people pleasing And you have to expect it to be hard. Boundary making is a lot of work
I am so mad at mysel! I don't know how to set boundaries and enforce them. I told my AH that in order for him to live at our house he cannot drink. He became violent almost 3 months ago and went to jail and the court ordered him not to drink. That order was lifted a couple weeks ago and now he is back drinking after many humble promises not to. He DJ's at a bar and I told him I cannot drive him to work or pick him up if he's been drinking and he cant come home. So he's been sober but tonight when I went to pick him up and he was drunk. He told me he is just going to go ahead and move out because he wants to drink and it's too stressful for him to be treated like a child. So then i jump in and explain all the hell he puts me and our 3 kids through everytime he drinks. But as we are arguing, I take him home. Even though I have butterflies in my stomach that he might get violent again. And I just pray that God keeps me safe. And as we are arguing he says "Are you atleast going to take me to work tomorrow?" And I say yes just to avoid arguing anymore. Those are both of the things I said I wouldn't do. He told me that he's going to ask as many women in the bar if he can stay on their couch tomorrow night so that way he doesnt have to come home. I can't move out. I have no money to. He believes it's his house too so I shouldn't have the say so if or when he leaves. I am so angry at myself that I'm not stronger and i can only see when he's manipulating me way after the fact!!
((Dlove)))This is indeed a difficult situation. AA always suggests that people places and things must be avoided if the alcoholic is ever going to stop drinking. Working as a DJ I can understand the desire to continue to party. That's it.
You have already drawn a boundary that because he's been violent and there has been a court order for your home, you still do not feel safe. Driving him to and from his employment is difficult . Remembering that "no" is a complete sentence and that picking him up as an option, I would again review the situation , remember that you can call 911 anytime and detach from his insanity and continue alaon meetings.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
In the end he didn't pay his half of the rent for a long time and he abused the real estate agent and we were evicted anyway...a mixed blessing I guess. I decided not to move into another place with him, and as a result i was homeless and staying with neighbours for a while, in a single room with my child and our dog and cat...and then we went to my mothers...it all sucked, I won't lie. I mean it really sucked, but I got used to not living in fear and I decided that I really quite liked it. And eventually I managed to rent a little place just for my kid and animals and self and that's the way it stays now. It was hard but it was worth it; it's hard to believe I lived with that much anxiety on a daily basis and didn't collapse completely to be honest.
The thing is, a boundary is about what you will tolerate for yourself but it isn't about what other people can and can't do. "You can't drink" isn't a boundary, it's an order and unfortunately as reasonable as they might be, you can't enforce it and it probably won't work. A boundary is 'i can't tolerate this so i'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't have to". Difficult, yes. But also very empowering.
The safety and serenity of your children and yourself come first; the fact that he can't see that is testament to how much sickness is warping his mind. That's not something you can argue with, it's something you can merely protect yourself from. And you deserve to feel safe!
Imposing boundaries is hard. Enforcing them is very, very painful and makes imposing them easy. However, in my experience the more often I backed down on boundaries the more they took. Only when I could stand firmly planted with my boundaries, no matter how hard it is did change happen. Boundaries are for self-protection and not punishment. I did have to change some 'rules' when I got to Al-Anon as some of my boundaries were not healthy.
I can relate to where you are and know how maddening it is. In my situation here, only when I got serious about my sanity, my life and my program was I able to stand up straight and make changes necessary for my peace of mind and future. (((Hugs)))
The feed back has been so right on and reminds me of when I was there also. I use to fall back on the "I can't do that" response to a call for changing my behaviors and choices until my sponsor helped me to accept the "I won't" response. I won't change is exactly what the alcoholic is doing and saying so someone had to take the lead which was me and which was so scary and hard because it was so different than how I used to feel, think and do. Once I started to "do" the different responses the different consequences started to come about, one being she accepted my changes and started to make changes herself. She didn't make changes to suit me...she did to suit her disease and it all came out in the wash. Today I am better than just okay...(((((hugs)))))
It's easy to beat ourselves up
Boundaries are pretty difficult
Part of the whole boundary process is in general people don't like them
You have to go beyond people pleasing
And you have to expect it to be hard. Boundary making is a lot of work