As I mentioned a few days ago, daughter has a friend staying with us. (It's the last week of summer holidays). Last night we were to go to the waterfront for the Aus day celebrations and fireworks (bands, people, general revelry) and I was quite looking forward to it. I had in mind that I might make the effort to find folks I know and be sociable or something. You know, if you want things to be different do something differently and all that....

Anyway around lunch time I developed a really intense headache and lay down for an hour or so and when I woke up I seemed to be stricken with some kind of super-fast flu- shakes, freezing cold, splitting head, aches everywhere, too dizzy to stand up etc. Yay!! Not wanting to let the girls down I still drove them in time to see fireworks but decided I didn't have the stamina to walk down the hill to the foreshore....I probably could have rolled down the hill easily but was dubious about my ability to make it back up again. So I told them to go have fun and I sat near the car watching from the top of the hill and cried while the fireworks went off, lol. Yes I'm giggling about it now. I was feeling pretty wretched and as usual, full of misery about the fact that down below every adult seemed to have their arm around some other adult and there is me all alone year after year. Yes, it was a bit pathetic but I had a monster fever so shhhhh....

Got home feeling guilty about not letting the girls stay longer and tried to eat something and one of my teeth crumbled to pieces. Oh goody! I was just thinking, it's been a while between dental emergencies! Went to bed and when I turned the lamp on the bulb blew. Lay there being sad about the fact that I don't have anyone to drive me to the dentist when I am feeling too sick to drive and also no-one to go and buy me a mud-cake to microwave and have with ice-cream which I had an obscure craving for. Woe is me. Couldn't sleep for coughing and insane headache so I got up thinking I'd try ice-cream by itself. Daughter had left the freezer open and everything was...not frozen anymore. Yeah! I opted for hysterics and alternated between laughing like a lunatic and moaning about how much the laughing was hurting my head and then laughing at my own ridiculous moaning. I'd have totally rocked an intake interview for a loony bin right then and there.

Then this morning, daughter and her friend went to town and I did a cardless withdrawal for her and when she got to the atm it gave her no money but still took it from my account. No receipt so, I'll have fun proving that!!! Just ugh. Thanks, bank.

It was apparently some kind of extremely bizarre intense 24 hour strain of bubonic plague because I was upright again by lunch-time today and now I'm pretty much back to normal. Well, minus a tooth, and some money. Those didn't go back to normal I think that should be part of the deal, personally.

Anyway that all sucked. I could swear every time I decide to venture out and try to be sociable and break my isolation the universe rushes to conspire against me. Like maybe there's some pre-ordained future where I'm meant to die a miserable (and apparently toothless) sad chick with no friends, and anything I do to try to change it has to be corrected or else the universe will implode. Or maybe that's a bit dramatic, idk. It's disheartening, I tell you. Gah.

Keep trying, I guess.

So a month or so ago I mentioned that abf or xabf or whoever he is had come around to see me after many months of absence and had declared his undying love and determination to never do anything unpleasant to me again if only he could just have another chance and....then I didn't hear from him again until today, aside from a random you-tube video he sent me about someone building a house from plastic bottles or something. Which I didn't actually watch, come to think of it. 

And I didn't care that I didn't hear from him again either. I guess we both got our dose of emotionally charged drama during the weekend we spent together and then we were good to go....ha.

So I spoke to him for the first time today and he informed me he has a court date. This was news to me. He read out the arresting officers statement and it would have made a good (awful) movie. Basically DUI, resisting arrest, assaulting a cop, it went on and on and on and on for hours. (It took him more than half an hour just to read it all out).  The dude really went bananas in an all-night idiot-fest that resulted in being locked up and then moved to hospital.  He told me that after he was released from hospital he went back to the cop shop and told them that he wanted to press charges against them for kidnapping him. Sorry but I laughed at that part. 

Anyway all of this happened months ago and it's the first I've heard of it. Looks like jail-time (he thinks a year) and a massive fine. The charges are many. Oh so many.  The likely fine is double what he has saved since beginning work, he says. And he'll lose his job if he goes to jail, and losing his lisence is basically a cert. And he'd have been better off just staying in his room playing computer games, any time he tries, something awful happens and he ends up worse off. And yeah, of course working didn't make this happen but since he has no freaking control over his drinking I sort of see his point. It's no fun at all being your own worst enemy and screwing yourself over again and again and again. I feel sad for him. And I relate. To the feeling constantly defeated and not wanting to try anymore. Just ugh. I wish he could find a path out of the constant try/screw up everything cycle he is stuck in. I really do.

So that was kind of a shock. And how strong and how wrong the urge to comfort was!! Honestly it's all so twisted and unhealthy. I wish it wasn't. I'd like to hope, somehow, that it will be a catalyst for change but of course it's all on his time and it's his journey and all that. It's pointless trying to project. And yet I sit here hoping and telling myself off for hoping.

Still I wish it could have been different. Without all of this sickness and misery, I probably wouldn't have been alone last night and miserable about it, and he'd not be nervously waiting for a court date that will probably end with jail. So much mess and pain. And then a selfish part of me thought afterwards, on the bright side this reminds me that I'm not alone because I'm completely repulsive and weird, I'm alone because I've been embroiled in misery and sickness for years and years and years. And that means, light at the end of the tunnel, without needing to focus on anything other than recovering. That's a nicer way to look at it.

Anyway, that's it I guess. that was my craptacular Friday, in a nutshell.

Thanks for reading.

(((everyone)))

((Ms.M.))) You re an attractive, intelligent, creative hard working loving mother,  student  and friend who simply hit a brick wall and felt alone, and abandoned.   Please remember that HP is with you every day even in the hard times.  

Glad you are feeling a little better and am sending positive thoughts and prayers on the way.