I am brand new to al-anon. I have read some information online and have ordered the book and can't wait to read it. I have a question while I wait for it to come and would like some advice from people that have similar problems. My bf is currently in AA, and has had a few relapses. I am at a loss as what to do and how to support him. I get so angry when it happens and I know that isn't the best way to handle it. When this happens I get so mad I am to the point where I just want to end the relationship. I do want to help him, but feel like there is nothing I can do. How do I draw the line between support and enabling? Thank you so much for your help!
Freetime said
Jan 26, 2017
Welcome, NCjo. I am glad you joined us and that you have ordered some literature.
You have asked the biggest question that we all have had, so I will just share a few suggestions from the program. It's suggested that we:
- protect ourselves from any violence, if that is occurring in our situation.
- Find recreation and hobbies (take care of ourselves)
- Do not do for others what they can do themselves
- Do not prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
- Learn the facts about alcoholism
- Do not nag, scold, and complain
- Do pray (whatever that means for you)
And remember you are not alone. That was just a few tidbits I can remember. You will get lots of wisdom from others here.
serenity47 said
Jan 26, 2017
There really is nothing you can do to help him (other then allowing him the dignity of experiencing his own consequences of his actions or inaction) . He has everything he needs at the fellowshhip of AA and they can help him there. There is however a lot you can do for yourself. If possible get yourself to a local alanon meeting where you will find people there who understand exactly what you are feeling. You need support to. Coming here is a good first step. It does not happen over night. It is a long process . It is different for everyone, what is right for me may not be right for you. I have learned many painful lessons the last few years and I have made many mistakes. When you know better then you do better. Be gentle with yourself. Welcome to MIP.
Iamhere said
Jan 27, 2017
NCJo - I too used to be very, very angry when my qualifier relapsed. It still affects me, and more often than not makes me sad. I was one that every emotion was stifled, and instead I thought I was just angry all the time. As I worked the steps and understood more about the disease and how it affects me, I uncovered that anger was my surface defense mechanism, but deep down I had other feelings I had never processed well (sadness, hurt, fear, etc.)
Detaching with indifference was acceptable to my sponsor and that allowed me to keep putting me first. In the beginning, if I thought I was going to react (yell, cry, etc.) insanely to that which I had no control, I would don one or more of the following:
- Take a walk
- Go to the grocery store
- Clean a closet
- Read literature
- Call an Al-Anon friend or find a meeting
- Garden
- Chores
For me, because I was very controlling, smothering and living my life based on what others were saying, doing and thinking, I had to literally stop and redirect. It was not easy but when I changed how I reacted to the various scenarios playing out with active alcoholism, things changed. Over time, I got more comfortable with taking care of me and things got a ton more calm.
They did not change. I changed. That, for me, is where my program saved me. I no longer allowed others and their isms to have control over me. I still get sad, I still feel lost and uncertain, and then I grab more tools and realize God is taking care of me and them, and I should focus on the here and the now and that which is in front of me in the moment.
Practice, practice, practice - that's what has helped me become a better version of me....(((Hugs))) - I understand where you are and you are doing just fine! Great questions....keep coming back!
NCJo said
Jan 27, 2017
Thank y'all for the sweet welcome and sharing your stories! I can relate so much to your experiences.
I get so angry and at my ABF when he comes home after a relapse. I am the type of person that is not good at keeping my emotions in. I think it is so hard not to confront him and let him that I know he has been drinking. I don't like him to think he has "gotten away" with something. I don't like it when he thinks I am stupid and don't know what he's up to. I feel like he needs to be accountable for his decisions. Of course, this always leads to an argument. The thing is, is that I am more upset over the lying than the relapse. How did y'all learn to bite your tongue?
I am all for the leaving the situation and doing something else. However, most of the time he comes home after drinking it is later at night. The times I try to just ignore the situation, I try to isolate myself in the bedroom, but we do not have a lock on our bedroom door. I will ask him over and over to leave me alone but he wont. He constantly wants to prove to me that he hasn't been drinking and when he can't, it turns into blaming me for why he drank. Eventually he will retreat to the living room and pass out. He is not a physically aggressive person, he just badgers me to no end. How to i get him to understand I don't want to talk to him until he sobers up?
I truly appreciate y'all taking the time to share your stories with me. It helps to know I am not alone in this!
KennyFenderjazz said
Jan 27, 2017
Hi NCJo, Welcome!
The only solution I have is not to be angry anymore. I had to work through my emotions via the steps to understand what was causing the anger. I had to accept that, even though she knows what to do since she is also in AA, it is still a disease, and sometimes relapses happen. It's not like she is happy about it either. A lot of people say there is nothing I can do for my alcoholic, but I think that I can help by not trying to drive shame into her for having a disease, and sometimes failing at controlling it. If that doesn't help her personally, it certainly helps us as a couple. Who wants to be derided and nagged all the time? My wife certainly doesn't want it, and doesn't deserve it.
I had to go to many Al Anon meetings, and post and read here a lot.
And I had to understand a new definition of love, which involves total acceptance of the other person. I don't have to like what the other person is doing, but I can accept that they are at where they are at. I may even decide that I personally can't deal with that person's behavior/disease/ism, but I can still accept that they are where they need to be, and nothing from me can change them.
Kenny
Jazzie18 said
Jan 27, 2017
Welcome NCJo,
I can certainly relate to your frustration. When my husband first admitted he had a problem it took him months to truly get sober. He would go to AA meetings but would secretly drink and lie to my face, even when he was completely wasted and it was obvious to everyone he had been drinking. I was so resentful about the lying and always confronted him on it. I did read on here......when do you know an Alcoholic is lying, his lips are moving. I just realized that I couldn't expect him to tell me the truth when he was in the throws of trying to get sober. I stopped asking the question, have you been drinking and readjusted my expectations. I did make some boundaries for my own sanity and told him the next time I could surely tell he was drunk he had to leave the house. Sure enough, he pushed that boundary and I finally followed through with enforcing it and he went to go stay in a hotel for the night.
By going to Al-anon face to face meetings I started to understand that this was a disease that really had a hold on him and as much as he wanted to stop, his body and mind wasn't letting him. He didn't want to hurt me or our kids but just didn't know how to stop. Once I got out of the way and let him deal with the consequences of his drinking (one being a wellness check from the cops and a night in the hospital) he was able to find the strength to really sober up. He once told me, I am sick of being sick. Believe me it was a rough couple of months but by the grace of god he got sober and I also found recovery in this program. I think it is a positive sign that he is in AA and has admitted he has a problem. Baby steps my friend.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
Jerry F said
Jan 27, 2017
Aloha Jo and welcome to the board...great share and responses which all continue to remind me that this disease is cunning, powerful and baffling. I learned how to end it all by changing it all. Our program is about change and for me that means changing me. At first of course it was about changing my alcoholic/addict wife and the other alcoholics in my life and family and then I learned by doing...when I changed my perceptions and attitudes things changed...I changed...life changed. It didn't get and hasn't gotten perfect. We know recovery is about progress and not perfection and so I took that word out of my vocabulary. It wasn't about her. I had done poor expectation by putting her in charge of my happiness and sadness and learned in program she wasn't qualified for the job and holding her to blame for the consequences of my poor choices was not graceful and then I did anyway. I made the very poor choice of hooking up with an alcoholic/addict expecting her to be high functioning human...uh uh. I wasn't high functioning sober/human when I drank either.
Lots had to be changed and one of those things was for me to take my focus off of her and put it squarely on myself. She couldn't move when I focused so hard on her and she would never be able to get it (whatever it was) right under those conditions.
My wife relapsed and often and it was painful for her and us. Relapse is a condition of the disease where the alcoholic attempts to do "catch up" on the number of drinks or uses they did not have when trying to be sober. In a shy moment I could still cry for my spouse during those times. Sad and crazy.
You are in the right place to start on and in your own recovery....stick around and keep coming back often. Take that suggestion of finding a face to face meeting in your area and getting the literature to read.
(((((hugs)))))
Maresie25 said
Jan 29, 2017
There is a lot you can do. Setting limits is one of them Being angry is the impetus for a lot of growth. The tricky thing with anger is to be able to accept it rather than act out on it
That takes some work. Boundaries are a way to protect ourselves. They can go a long way to mitigating the damage done to us
I set a lot of limits around alcoholics. I set a lot of limits in my life. I recently had a supervisor who was an alcoholic. His whole life is utter chaos. He certainly brought some of that chaos to work with him.
Al anon can really help you to start focusing on yourself. Alcoholics tend to take up all the oxygen in the room
Relapse is certainly part of the disease of alcoholism. That doesn't mean we keep putting up with the consequences
Detaching is one of the ways we learn to live around an alcoholic. If I had not detacjrf around my alcoholic supervisor I would be in a much worse position than I.am in right now For some people they think that detaching is about ignoring the alcoholic. Actually it is far from it, it's all about preserving our energy and sanity around the alcoholic
It is all about letting go too. The alcoholic who I just worked with believes I am the problem. As far as I am concerned he can think what he wants When I am in codependent mode what people think about me is far more important than what I think.
I am so grateful to be able to address these issues. Being free of all those burdens is incredible. I hope you stick around to get the same benefits Maresie25
NCJo said
Jan 29, 2017
Here is my issue with boundaries and his relapses, in my opinion, one beer is the same as 12 beers. A relapse is a relapse. I have set a boundary where if I think he has had anything to drink, I don't want anything to do with him. He needs to go to another part of the house and leave me alone. I think this a a great way to handle my anger so it doesn't start a fight. This happened earlier today. The problem is, is that we had plans with some friends tonight to go to dinner. Since he chose to drink this morning, I don't want to do anything with him. This in turn ruins our plans for tonight. I don't want to go to dinner alone because I will have to explain why he isn't with us. I am tired of making excuses for him and I don't feel like it is my place to air his dirty laundry. I know by now the alcohol is out of his system, but I am still upset about this morning so I just want to be left alone. Am I wrong? Should I just let it go and continue with our plans like nothing happened? That makes me feel like he has no repercussions for his drinking. How am I supposed to keep my boundaries without starting to resent him for ruining any plans we have.
Jerry F said
Jan 29, 2017
What helped me in ways was education and changes of attitude. Was my alcoholic/Addict wife a bad person or a sick person with a fatal incurable disease? Did getting angry at her or assaulting her change anything for the better? or worse? My sponsor asked me "If it was cancer could you change it"? Stick around and listen to the alternative and try working some while you have to give up those of yours that haven't worked. Sucks but this program works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Fooled said
Jan 30, 2017
The thing about "boundaries" is that I had to learn that they were for me. Boundaries are what I cannot tolerate and what I was going to do to So often I would set a boundary that was in fact an order that he has to do something because he drank. Learning to be detached with firm boundaries for myself but having the compassion and kindness to understand he cant control his disease and neither can I was hard. Often I would use the self righteous, judgmental tactics of martyrdom that my mother used to use. When I realized that I was the provoker in the merry go round of denial and I could get off the ride all of sudden there was options, no plans had to be ruined, I was not responsible for making sure my AH had repercussions, I wasn't responsible for making excuses, was life changing. Keep working it you are doing great!
I am brand new to al-anon. I have read some information online and have ordered the book and can't wait to read it. I have a question while I wait for it to come and would like some advice from people that have similar problems. My bf is currently in AA, and has had a few relapses. I am at a loss as what to do and how to support him. I get so angry when it happens and I know that isn't the best way to handle it. When this happens I get so mad I am to the point where I just want to end the relationship. I do want to help him, but feel like there is nothing I can do. How do I draw the line between support and enabling? Thank you so much for your help!
You have asked the biggest question that we all have had, so I will just share a few suggestions from the program. It's suggested that we:
- protect ourselves from any violence, if that is occurring in our situation.
- Find recreation and hobbies (take care of ourselves)
- Do not do for others what they can do themselves
- Do not prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
- Learn the facts about alcoholism
- Do not nag, scold, and complain
- Do pray (whatever that means for you)
And remember you are not alone. That was just a few tidbits I can remember. You will get lots of wisdom from others here.
Detaching with indifference was acceptable to my sponsor and that allowed me to keep putting me first. In the beginning, if I thought I was going to react (yell, cry, etc.) insanely to that which I had no control, I would don one or more of the following:
- Take a walk
- Go to the grocery store
- Clean a closet
- Read literature
- Call an Al-Anon friend or find a meeting
- Garden
- Chores
For me, because I was very controlling, smothering and living my life based on what others were saying, doing and thinking, I had to literally stop and redirect. It was not easy but when I changed how I reacted to the various scenarios playing out with active alcoholism, things changed. Over time, I got more comfortable with taking care of me and things got a ton more calm.
They did not change. I changed. That, for me, is where my program saved me. I no longer allowed others and their isms to have control over me. I still get sad, I still feel lost and uncertain, and then I grab more tools and realize God is taking care of me and them, and I should focus on the here and the now and that which is in front of me in the moment.
Practice, practice, practice - that's what has helped me become a better version of me....(((Hugs))) - I understand where you are and you are doing just fine! Great questions....keep coming back!
I get so angry and at my ABF when he comes home after a relapse. I am the type of person that is not good at keeping my emotions in. I think it is so hard not to confront him and let him that I know he has been drinking. I don't like him to think he has "gotten away" with something. I don't like it when he thinks I am stupid and don't know what he's up to. I feel like he needs to be accountable for his decisions. Of course, this always leads to an argument. The thing is, is that I am more upset over the lying than the relapse. How did y'all learn to bite your tongue?
I am all for the leaving the situation and doing something else. However, most of the time he comes home after drinking it is later at night. The times I try to just ignore the situation, I try to isolate myself in the bedroom, but we do not have a lock on our bedroom door. I will ask him over and over to leave me alone but he wont. He constantly wants to prove to me that he hasn't been drinking and when he can't, it turns into blaming me for why he drank. Eventually he will retreat to the living room and pass out. He is not a physically aggressive person, he just badgers me to no end. How to i get him to understand I don't want to talk to him until he sobers up?
I truly appreciate y'all taking the time to share your stories with me. It helps to know I am not alone in this!
The only solution I have is not to be angry anymore. I had to work through my emotions via the steps to understand what was causing the anger. I had to accept that, even though she knows what to do since she is also in AA, it is still a disease, and sometimes relapses happen. It's not like she is happy about it either. A lot of people say there is nothing I can do for my alcoholic, but I think that I can help by not trying to drive shame into her for having a disease, and sometimes failing at controlling it. If that doesn't help her personally, it certainly helps us as a couple. Who wants to be derided and nagged all the time? My wife certainly doesn't want it, and doesn't deserve it.
I had to go to many Al Anon meetings, and post and read here a lot.
And I had to understand a new definition of love, which involves total acceptance of the other person. I don't have to like what the other person is doing, but I can accept that they are at where they are at. I may even decide that I personally can't deal with that person's behavior/disease/ism, but I can still accept that they are where they need to be, and nothing from me can change them.
Kenny
I can certainly relate to your frustration. When my husband first admitted he had a problem it took him months to truly get sober. He would go to AA meetings but would secretly drink and lie to my face, even when he was completely wasted and it was obvious to everyone he had been drinking. I was so resentful about the lying and always confronted him on it. I did read on here......when do you know an Alcoholic is lying, his lips are moving. I just realized that I couldn't expect him to tell me the truth when he was in the throws of trying to get sober. I stopped asking the question, have you been drinking and readjusted my expectations. I did make some boundaries for my own sanity and told him the next time I could surely tell he was drunk he had to leave the house. Sure enough, he pushed that boundary and I finally followed through with enforcing it and he went to go stay in a hotel for the night.
By going to Al-anon face to face meetings I started to understand that this was a disease that really had a hold on him and as much as he wanted to stop, his body and mind wasn't letting him. He didn't want to hurt me or our kids but just didn't know how to stop. Once I got out of the way and let him deal with the consequences of his drinking (one being a wellness check from the cops and a night in the hospital) he was able to find the strength to really sober up. He once told me, I am sick of being sick. Believe me it was a rough couple of months but by the grace of god he got sober and I also found recovery in this program. I think it is a positive sign that he is in AA and has admitted he has a problem. Baby steps my friend.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
Aloha Jo and welcome to the board...great share and responses which all continue to remind me that this disease is cunning, powerful and baffling. I learned how to end it all by changing it all. Our program is about change and for me that means changing me. At first of course it was about changing my alcoholic/addict wife and the other alcoholics in my life and family and then I learned by doing...when I changed my perceptions and attitudes things changed...I changed...life changed. It didn't get and hasn't gotten perfect. We know recovery is about progress and not perfection and so I took that word out of my vocabulary. It wasn't about her. I had done poor expectation by putting her in charge of my happiness and sadness and learned in program she wasn't qualified for the job and holding her to blame for the consequences of my poor choices was not graceful and then I did anyway. I made the very poor choice of hooking up with an alcoholic/addict expecting her to be high functioning human...uh uh. I wasn't high functioning sober/human when I drank either.
Lots had to be changed and one of those things was for me to take my focus off of her and put it squarely on myself. She couldn't move when I focused so hard on her and she would never be able to get it (whatever it was) right under those conditions.
My wife relapsed and often and it was painful for her and us. Relapse is a condition of the disease where the alcoholic attempts to do "catch up" on the number of drinks or uses they did not have when trying to be sober. In a shy moment I could still cry for my spouse during those times. Sad and crazy.
You are in the right place to start on and in your own recovery....stick around and keep coming back often. Take that suggestion of finding a face to face meeting in your area and getting the literature to read.
(((((hugs)))))
There is a lot you can do. Setting limits is one of them
Being angry is the impetus for a lot of growth. The tricky thing with anger is to be able to accept it rather than act out on it
That takes some work. Boundaries are a way to protect ourselves. They can go a long way to mitigating the damage done to us
I set a lot of limits around alcoholics. I set a lot of limits in my life. I recently had a supervisor who was an alcoholic. His whole life is utter chaos. He certainly brought some of that chaos to work with him.
Al anon can really help you to start focusing on yourself.
Alcoholics tend to take up all the oxygen in the room
Relapse is certainly part of the disease of alcoholism.
That doesn't mean we keep putting up with the consequences
Detaching is one of the ways we learn to live around an alcoholic. If I had not detacjrf around my alcoholic supervisor I would be in a much worse position than I.am in right now
For some people they think that detaching is about ignoring the alcoholic. Actually it is far from it, it's all about preserving our energy and sanity around the alcoholic
It is all about letting go too. The alcoholic who I just worked with believes I am the problem. As far as I am concerned he can think what he wants
When I am in codependent mode what people think about me is far more important than what I think.
I am so grateful to be able to address these issues. Being free of all those burdens is incredible. I hope you stick around to get the same benefits
Maresie25
What helped me in ways was education and changes of attitude. Was my alcoholic/Addict wife a bad person or a sick person with a fatal incurable disease? Did getting angry at her or assaulting her change anything for the better? or worse? My sponsor asked me "If it was cancer could you change it"? Stick around and listen to the alternative and try working some while you have to give up those of yours that haven't worked. Sucks but this program works when you work it. ((((hugs))))