Realizing my husband has a problem and I need support
LoLo23 said
Jan 25, 2017
First post, I've just been reading until now.
I found this board a few weeks ago and it feels like I'm reading about my own life, it has made me feel like I'm not alone and validated that my husband has a problem whether he admits to it or not.
We've known each other for almost 20 years, been married 10. I didn't marry a drinker, I didn't know this was going to be a part of our story. He started drinking a few years ago (still says he hates the taste of alcohol and doesn't need it yet binge drinks to the point of blacks regularly) and it's gotten worse and worse. I keep waiting for him to hit rock bottom and realize what is happening but from what I've read on here that is not in my control.
Our new child is barely 2 months old and we have a 5 year old. I had been keeping this struggle a secret from everyone, making excuses for him through sleepless nights of him disappearing and a most recent dwi. My stress and anxiety is out of control. I finally broke and had to tell his parents and mine about it. Now there is pressure from them on intervening. I felt better telling them since it lifted the burden of isolation but now regret it somewhat because I now am coming to terms with the fact that we can't make him change or give him ultimatums.
So I now need to learn how to live with this. How do I create boundaries and deal with what this has done to me? Not only do I not recognize him anymore I don't recognize myself. I can't go on in this state but I love him and don't want to leave. I want to support him but have so much resentment, anger and bitterness in me.
hotrod said
Jan 25, 2017
Welcome Lolo Glad that you reached out and shared. Alanon is a recovery program for family members to learn how to break the isolation caused by living in the disease. Alanon also provides new tools to live by. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
Keep coming back
Jerry F said
Jan 26, 2017
Aloha Lolo and welcome to the board...one of the indications of addiction is drinking even when you do not like the taste or influence of the chemical....The disease is described in part as being cunning, powerful and baffling so there's one connection there. Alcoholics will drink alcoholically even when they don't want to ...the chemical is a powerful mind and mood altering substance.
With the youngsters what might work is attending the daily online meetings here because if and when you find face to face meetings in your area the children might be disruptive (or not). If the meeting allows or has child care that will be a bonus.
Please keep coming back there is a world of help here. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jan 26, 2017
I too send warm welcomes to you LoLo - so glad you found us and so glad that you joined and shared. I am sorry for the pain and chaos the disease is causing in your life. It's awesome that you reached out here and are breaking the 'secrets' many of us keep as a result of the disease. I can relate - I did my fair share of covering up for the many mishaps of my qualifiers. Ultimately, it became too much for me and I felt as if I was truly stuck in the bottom of a deep well - dark, hopeless, lost and just defeated.
The program has been a game changer for me. Starting with meetings and following suggestions from those who came before me, I've been able to accept the disease as it is - progressive, damaging, painful and perpetual. I've been able to separate the disease from the person and restore myself to a much saner and peaceful place.
My hope for you is you seek local meetings - that's where I found local support. You can also suggest Al-Anon for the extended family - it's for anyone affected by the drinking of a friend or relative. We focus on just one day at a time, so just for today - be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Skorpi said
Jan 26, 2017
Welcome Lolo,
and thank you for reaching out. It took me years to reach out myself, or to understand that my wife had a disease that I could not cure. Like you, I did tell my parents about the problem. My parents did intervene, dropped everything and drove 8 hours to "help". I agreed to stay with her at that point only on the condition that she stop drinking, which she did for 6 months. The real motivation for sobriety had to come from her, though, and she started drinking again the first chance she got. Her 3rd DUI, which involved totaling our car and a stay in the hospital wasn't even enough to get her to stop.
That is what lead me to MIP, though, and I have been thankful for the program ever since. Along the way, my wife found sobriety with the help of the court system, and has a good 18 months under her belt. I am starting to recognize the person I love again.
Please keep coming back. Try some locale face-to-face meetings, too. The program works when we allow it to. (((hugs)))
luv123 said
Jan 26, 2017
Welcome--keep coming back and attending face to face meetings, phone meetings (6-8 available each day) are also good if u have a little one--all the info is on alanon.org under find a meeting...
We all had to start somewhere and it can be overwhelming at times. Just remember you are NOT ALONE and never have to feel alone again. We talk about having to 'work' a program to get well in Al-anon. For me that means attending 2-3 meetings each week one way or another(phone, online, in person)--daily if it is a very tough week. Reading the Al-anon daily readers also on the website under literature (Courage to Change, Hope for Today & One Day at a Time) those pages hold incredible examples of what boundaries are and how to practice letting go & focusing on just one day etc. , how to work the Al-anon steps, develop your own idea of a higher power (optional--no pressure on any religious/spiritual front-whatever will work for you), practice, practice, practice in all areas of my life and I have a beautiful, balanced life today --one where I can still demonstrate care about loved ones without becoming consumed by their disease or crisis.
The Alcoholic even (very eventually) was able to thank me for working a good Al-anon program because it had an impact on his decision to get and use the help in AA. But that doesn't always happen--from what I have seen the only guarantee is we will get and feel better if we work this program. That we can find happiness regardless of if the A is drinking or not. We deserve to live a good and peaceful life regardless of another person's choices or maladies--we can do it for anyone else-we can only focus on our side of the street and to do that we need a lot of help from these beautiful resources that are free for all. ---Wishing you the best in your recovery journey! You have already started & have good things in store for you!
LoLo23 said
Jan 26, 2017
Thank you all for the welcome, honest and encouraging words! I would love to go to some face to face meetings but becauseof childcare will probably need to start online. Can someone direct me to where I can join that?
My hubby and I have had some open discussions about whether he has a problem or not but in my anger last night I emailed him a link to the Betty ford clinic article on how to tell if you're an alcoholic. He actually read it this morning and said according to that he's am abuser but not am alcoholic. At least he read it and admits to something. Baby steps and patience i guess.
Iamhere said
Jan 26, 2017
LOLO - at the top left, you will see a meeting schedule for meetings here. There is also a link to the actual meeting/chat room. In my area, we are blessed that a few offer child care. I don't know how wide spread that exists, but add it so you know it might be an option.
I also know that there are phone in meetings, and other online meetings beyond us here @ MIP - I've never done either but suspect you might find more from the official Al-Anon site and/or searching the web.
I also am a big believer in listening to speakers. There are quite a few recorded videos of Al-Anon (and AA) speakers online. Great question(s)!!
Keep coming back!
LoLo23 said
Jan 26, 2017
Thanks for the information! Since I'm in a big city maybe some offer childcare. I'll start researching.
Jazzie18 said
Jan 26, 2017
I can totally relate to your post. I hope you can find a face to face meeting where you are. Some of the meetings do offer childcare so I think you can look through the al-anon main pages and search on your city (those that offer childcare should be coded as such). If you can't find a meeting there are plenty of youtube discussions and there is a podcast you can access through therecoveryshow.com that has all sorts of past discussions on everything related to al-anon and alcoholism. Listening to the pre-recorded discussions were very helpful to me at the beginning. I found breaking the isolation was the first step to my recovery. Although you may regret telling your parents and in-laws, you now have some support. They may be misguided in thinking that you or they can prevent him from drinking but bear with them as this is probably very new to them. There is also a ton of literature out there. Some of the books I found helpful, besides the daily readers, were How to Live with an Alcoholic and Still Enjoy Your Life and How Al-Anon works. Answers to your question about boundaries will come in time once you learn some helpful tools that they teach in this program. It took me a while to get that one straight and to follow through on them.
You came to the right place with this board. Just know that you are not alone and I am sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.
Cammi45 said
Jan 30, 2017
I can definitely relate to this. You are not alone. I am just now considering meetings because I feel at times as if I am going crazy with all of this. It will be okay for a little while and then my world feels out of control again. I have not told anyone, although I know my parents guess because of my dad being a recovering alcoholic himself. I find myself trying to hide it from people, because I'm embarrassed and because in some odd way I want to protect him from people thinking bad of him. Keep coming back. There are some very caring people on here!
First post, I've just been reading until now.
I found this board a few weeks ago and it feels like I'm reading about my own life, it has made me feel like I'm not alone and validated that my husband has a problem whether he admits to it or not.
We've known each other for almost 20 years, been married 10. I didn't marry a drinker, I didn't know this was going to be a part of our story. He started drinking a few years ago (still says he hates the taste of alcohol and doesn't need it yet binge drinks to the point of blacks regularly) and it's gotten worse and worse. I keep waiting for him to hit rock bottom and realize what is happening but from what I've read on here that is not in my control.
Our new child is barely 2 months old and we have a 5 year old. I had been keeping this struggle a secret from everyone, making excuses for him through sleepless nights of him disappearing and a most recent dwi. My stress and anxiety is out of control. I finally broke and had to tell his parents and mine about it. Now there is pressure from them on intervening. I felt better telling them since it lifted the burden of isolation but now regret it somewhat because I now am coming to terms with the fact that we can't make him change or give him ultimatums.
So I now need to learn how to live with this. How do I create boundaries and deal with what this has done to me? Not only do I not recognize him anymore I don't recognize myself. I can't go on in this state but I love him and don't want to leave. I want to support him but have so much resentment, anger and bitterness in me.
Keep coming back
Aloha Lolo and welcome to the board...one of the indications of addiction is drinking even when you do not like the taste or influence of the chemical....The disease is described in part as being cunning, powerful and baffling so there's one connection there. Alcoholics will drink alcoholically even when they don't want to ...the chemical is a powerful mind and mood altering substance.
With the youngsters what might work is attending the daily online meetings here because if and when you find face to face meetings in your area the children might be disruptive (or not). If the meeting allows or has child care that will be a bonus.
Please keep coming back there is a world of help here. ((((hugs))))
The program has been a game changer for me. Starting with meetings and following suggestions from those who came before me, I've been able to accept the disease as it is - progressive, damaging, painful and perpetual. I've been able to separate the disease from the person and restore myself to a much saner and peaceful place.
My hope for you is you seek local meetings - that's where I found local support. You can also suggest Al-Anon for the extended family - it's for anyone affected by the drinking of a friend or relative. We focus on just one day at a time, so just for today - be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
and thank you for reaching out. It took me years to reach out myself, or to understand that my wife had a disease that I could not cure. Like you, I did tell my parents about the problem. My parents did intervene, dropped everything and drove 8 hours to "help". I agreed to stay with her at that point only on the condition that she stop drinking, which she did for 6 months. The real motivation for sobriety had to come from her, though, and she started drinking again the first chance she got. Her 3rd DUI, which involved totaling our car and a stay in the hospital wasn't even enough to get her to stop.
That is what lead me to MIP, though, and I have been thankful for the program ever since. Along the way, my wife found sobriety with the help of the court system, and has a good 18 months under her belt. I am starting to recognize the person I love again.
Please keep coming back. Try some locale face-to-face meetings, too. The program works when we allow it to. (((hugs)))
Welcome--keep coming back and attending face to face meetings, phone meetings (6-8 available each day) are also good if u have a little one--all the info is on alanon.org under find a meeting...
We all had to start somewhere and it can be overwhelming at times. Just remember you are NOT ALONE and never have to feel alone again. We talk about having to 'work' a program to get well in Al-anon. For me that means attending 2-3 meetings each week one way or another(phone, online, in person)--daily if it is a very tough week. Reading the Al-anon daily readers also on the website under literature (Courage to Change, Hope for Today & One Day at a Time) those pages hold incredible examples of what boundaries are and how to practice letting go & focusing on just one day etc. , how to work the Al-anon steps, develop your own idea of a higher power (optional--no pressure on any religious/spiritual front-whatever will work for you), practice, practice, practice in all areas of my life and I have a beautiful, balanced life today --one where I can still demonstrate care about loved ones without becoming consumed by their disease or crisis.
The Alcoholic even (very eventually) was able to thank me for working a good Al-anon program because it had an impact on his decision to get and use the help in AA. But that doesn't always happen--from what I have seen the only guarantee is we will get and feel better if we work this program. That we can find happiness regardless of if the A is drinking or not. We deserve to live a good and peaceful life regardless of another person's choices or maladies--we can do it for anyone else-we can only focus on our side of the street and to do that we need a lot of help from these beautiful resources that are free for all. ---Wishing you the best in your recovery journey! You have already started & have good things in store for you!
My hubby and I have had some open discussions about whether he has a problem or not but in my anger last night I emailed him a link to the Betty ford clinic article on how to tell if you're an alcoholic. He actually read it this morning and said according to that he's am abuser but not am alcoholic. At least he read it and admits to something. Baby steps and patience i guess.
I also know that there are phone in meetings, and other online meetings beyond us here @ MIP - I've never done either but suspect you might find more from the official Al-Anon site and/or searching the web.
I also am a big believer in listening to speakers. There are quite a few recorded videos of Al-Anon (and AA) speakers online. Great question(s)!!
Keep coming back!
You came to the right place with this board. Just know that you are not alone and I am sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.