I've been off the grid for awhile. Trying to sort out the "drama" in my life. My Ex-ABF has told me (to my face) that he doesn't want to quit drinking and he likes the buzz. He sees nothing wrong with having a "sip" every once in awhile. Well that sip turns into a binge. He can't control it and is spiraling. My question here is when he drinks he seeks out women & men. I've found his profile on a dating web site (when we were still together). His explanation (he is just looking). I'm not stupid if you're with someone you love you don't need to "look". So we're done. Go on and keep looking. Relationship over.
I also came across a gay web site (details in my first post). I've read up on a few articles and read that because some people are so uncomfortable or confused with their own sexuality that they are unable to address it, and turn to alcohol or drugs. I'm not judging AT ALL, but I'm wondering if anyone in this forum has been "gender fluid" and turned to alcohol? How have you or haven't you chosen to deal with it or is it something you choose to keep inside?
I have tried to get him to go to counseling/therapy (for his alcohol addiction) and he has admitted that he needs to, but he doesn't follow through. He's on anti-depressants, but he's not ready to look deep down inside and I get it. I surely am not going to cross that line. It's his life. I have NEVER brought it up to him. I know if he knew that I found that out he would be embarrassed.
I'm just trying to get a little insight.
S
DavidG said
Jan 24, 2017
When I first came to Alanon I was told about detachment-
detach from the problem, but not from the person.
That was in the bad old days when 10% of women left their alcoholic man and 10% of men stayed with their alcoholic woman.
For me gender and gender choice is no big deal. Boundaries, and respecting my own personal space helps me get into company and into friendship I never ever thought possible.
This might not be the standard Alanon welcome- you may get these down the line. Regular attendance got me to where i am today. And a little but of learning helped as well- but I had to learn to trust others, first.
If you are still reading at this point you will realise that this share is serving its purpose. it has given you a few moments to switch off from 'the deal', 'the issue' and just do something for yourself.
Take a deep breath.
Look around the room.
I don't expect you to feel a deep sense of gratitude for your situation... more than likely it could only get worse. It may be a point of transition for your ex-partner- but more than likely it will not.
Gratitude was a topic for me yesterday- and I am grappling to try and apply that to a Step One.
But there- I gave it a go- what more can ask for...
...take care... you matter... ...
starcatcher2 said
Jan 24, 2017
Hello DavidG,
Thank you for your reply. For me gender and gender choice don't matter, but what does matter is when the person is not being truthful to their partner (STD's etc) and cheating. Regardless of their sexual preference. My question is not to make anyone uncomfortable. I am by no means trying to fix anyone. Paleeeze I'm working on fixing myself! LOL. My sister is gay, as well as my brother in-law. I love them dearly and we are together constantly. This is not an issue for me by any means.
What I am grateful for is that I didn't spend years in a relationship with someone who is first and foremost not happy with themselves, so how could they possibly make me happy right? The main thing in their life is the addiction, even during recovery. So yes, I came to the realization that if I wanted to be in a relationship that was a priority I had to move on. I can't be happy turning a blind eye to a cheater (regardless of sexual preference).
I'm really just trying to get some insight from someone who may have gone through a similar situation.
Thanks!
DavidG said
Jan 24, 2017
Hugs... its like- get into a conversation- even when we stumble to find the words... I am no namby pamby liberal [I hope} I had four cousins who were gay- only one left alive. Grew up alongside them... the gayness does not bother me one iota it was the aids and the hep c that dragged them down- along with the addictions that were used to prop them up.
I had other things in my family that made me angry too- like suicides... anger did not describe my situation- rage does.
What angers me most is that the dad of those boys served his country at a very young age. And yes the seeds of addiction were sown well before then too.
Its not fair. And when we are cheated on, or abandoned it hurts the heart... and it feels like bleeding away...
at this juncture, like some prima donna I might stand my foot- oh bother!
Ah suppose my rage has gotten to this one- something I can manage and understand. Inside the rooms we are all sisters and brothers, brothers and sisters.
You may not like all of us- but you will love us in a special way- the same way we already love you.
Period. Done.
starcatcher2 said
Jan 24, 2017
Hello David,
Thank you for sharing. And yes I agree with you "You may not like all of us- but you will love us in a special way- the same way we already love you." Love regardless of preference or past.
And no it's not fair that we are cheated on, AND abandoned. It does hurt especially when you stand with someone through the thick and thin. What are you left holding? A bag of why's......we live and learn.
Mostly importantly continue forward, not backwards.
Have a wonderful day! Hugs to you.
S
a4l said
Jan 24, 2017
He may not even know what his sexual orientation is. it may take years and lots of experiences for him to find out. But what you do know is he's flirting awfully awfully close to sex with strangers if not crossed that line several times already. Not to be alarmist, but people who contract hiv through deceptive partners do exist, imagine the life sentence of betrayal that must entail and don't let that be you. Think of you in all this not him. You've been given a heads up that your sexual health is at risk through a partner actively seeking sex with other people. That he identifies as straight while seeking liaisons outside that identity suggests to me sexual curiosity. Add in addiction and all its isms and its risk taking behaviour in my view. What motivates it is his to work out and hopefully not at the risk of your health, the latter which is thankfully now in your hands. Take care of you.
starcatcher2 said
Jan 24, 2017
Hello A4l,
Yes, this is why the relationship has ended. The fact that he is so close to that line (or has crossed it without my knowledge) was just too much for me.
The fact that he constantly lied about his interactions, in addition to his drinking was just alarming. He is spiraling, and I got off that roller coaster.
I refuse to be part of that life.
Thank you for your input!
S
pinkchip said
Jan 24, 2017
"Gender fluidity" refers to gender identity. That has NOTHING to do with sexuality. I am a gay man and have ZERO interest in becoming a woman. So my "gender fluidity" is close to zero.
That being said, YES people do drink and drug over coming out issues (BI or Gay) and confusion regarding sexuality. It is a stressful life issue and ANY stressful life issue can lead to the onset of maladaptive coping and/or self medicating.
My instinct is that you were dealing with a confused closet case and if his issues were bad enough for you to break up...globally speaking...keep on walking! It's done! Not your problem. You can't focus on the road ahead if you are consumed with a car wreck in your rear view mirror :)
shrnp said
Jan 25, 2017
My ex-Abf used dating sites when we were still together. It was very hurtful to me. I went through a lot of different emotions. Then he cheated on me and that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Once the trust was gone I could not stay with him. I just found out from his sister that he has hepatitis B which is sexually transmitted. So, someone he met online gave it to him. I mentioned that because once you consider what type of people they are meeting it is not as painful. I don't feel that way about all online daters but the people drinking are at a bigger risk for STDs.
starcatcher2 said
Jan 25, 2017
shrnp wrote:
My ex-Abf used dating sites when we were still together. It was very hurtful to me. I went through a lot of different emotions. Then he cheated on me and that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Once the trust was gone I could not stay with him. I just found out from his sister that he has hepatitis B which is sexually transmitted. So, someone he met online gave it to him. I mentioned that because once you consider what type of people they are meeting it is not as painful. I don't feel that way about all online daters but the people drinking are at a bigger risk for STDs.
Hello shrnp,
Thank you for sharing. Yes, it is extremely hurtful. Once the trust is gone you have nothing.
I agree with you...thinking about the people he his coming in contact with makes my decision so much easier. And the fact that I am refusing to allow that behavior back in my life or my home. Lucky for you, you dodged that bullet. I hope that you are on a happier path. Hugs to you.
S
starcatcher2 said
Jan 25, 2017
pinkchip wrote:
"Gender fluidity" refers to gender identity. That has NOTHING to do with sexuality. I am a gay man and have ZERO interest in becoming a woman. So my "gender fluidity" is close to zero.
That being said, YES people do drink and drug over coming out issues (BI or Gay) and confusion regarding sexuality. It is a stressful life issue and ANY stressful life issue can lead to the onset of maladaptive coping and/or self medicating.
My instinct is that you were dealing with a confused closet case and if his issues were bad enough for you to break up...globally speaking...keep on walking! It's done! Not your problem. You can't focus on the road ahead if you are consumed with a car wreck in your rear view mirror :)
Hello pinkchip,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I can imagine that making the decision to come out can be very stressful. My sister didn't tell me well into her thirties (we are 9 years apart). I know it was a big stress for her. I have thought that he is extremely confused. When a topic comes up regarding homosexuality he gets uncomfortable and a bit upset (this is something I noticed when I found out that he was on the gay dating web sites).
No, it's no longer my problem. I got off the road to avoid the disaster.
Hugs to you. I hope that you are on a much brighter path.
S
a4l said
Jan 26, 2017
Good for you starlight. I worked on a group narrative of wives with closet gay husbands and it was an eye opening and heartbreaking set of stories. I'm so glad you have your eyes wide open, and that you found those sites when you did. I didn't mean to lecture you earlier. I was reminded of those women. Be well!
starcatcher2 said
Jan 27, 2017
Hi A4l
I didn't feel you were lecturing me at all. I appreciate your input. I could imagine the hurt those women felt. I'm sure they appreciate you.
S
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 27th of January 2017 12:06:00 AM
Hello Everyone,
I've been off the grid for awhile. Trying to sort out the "drama" in my life. My Ex-ABF has told me (to my face) that he doesn't want to quit drinking and he likes the buzz. He sees nothing wrong with having a "sip" every once in awhile. Well that sip turns into a binge. He can't control it and is spiraling. My question here is when he drinks he seeks out women & men. I've found his profile on a dating web site (when we were still together). His explanation (he is just looking). I'm not stupid if you're with someone you love you don't need to "look". So we're done. Go on and keep looking. Relationship over.
I also came across a gay web site (details in my first post). I've read up on a few articles and read that because some people are so uncomfortable or confused with their own sexuality that they are unable to address it, and turn to alcohol or drugs. I'm not judging AT ALL, but I'm wondering if anyone in this forum has been "gender fluid" and turned to alcohol? How have you or haven't you chosen to deal with it or is it something you choose to keep inside?
I have tried to get him to go to counseling/therapy (for his alcohol addiction) and he has admitted that he needs to, but he doesn't follow through. He's on anti-depressants, but he's not ready to look deep down inside and I get it. I surely am not going to cross that line. It's his life. I have NEVER brought it up to him. I know if he knew that I found that out he would be embarrassed.
I'm just trying to get a little insight.
S
When I first came to Alanon I was told about detachment-
detach from the problem, but not from the person.
That was in the bad old days when 10% of women left their alcoholic man and 10% of men stayed with their alcoholic woman.
For me gender and gender choice is no big deal. Boundaries, and respecting my own personal space helps me get into company and into friendship I never ever thought possible.
This might not be the standard Alanon welcome- you may get these down the line. Regular attendance got me to where i am today. And a little but of learning helped as well- but I had to learn to trust others, first.
If you are still reading at this point you will realise that this share is serving its purpose. it has given you a few moments to switch off from 'the deal', 'the issue' and just do something for yourself.
Take a deep breath.
Look around the room.
I don't expect you to feel a deep sense of gratitude for your situation... more than likely it could only get worse. It may be a point of transition for your ex-partner- but more than likely it will not.
Gratitude was a topic for me yesterday- and I am grappling to try and apply that to a Step One.
But there- I gave it a go- what more can ask for...
...take care... you matter...
...
Thank you for your reply. For me gender and gender choice don't matter, but what does matter is when the person is not being truthful to their partner (STD's etc) and cheating. Regardless of their sexual preference. My question is not to make anyone uncomfortable. I am by no means trying to fix anyone. Paleeeze I'm working on fixing myself! LOL. My sister is gay, as well as my brother in-law. I love them dearly and we are together constantly. This is not an issue for me by any means.
What I am grateful for is that I didn't spend years in a relationship with someone who is first and foremost not happy with themselves, so how could they possibly make me happy right? The main thing in their life is the addiction, even during recovery. So yes, I came to the realization that if I wanted to be in a relationship that was a priority I had to move on. I can't be happy turning a blind eye to a cheater (regardless of sexual preference).
I'm really just trying to get some insight from someone who may have gone through a similar situation.
Thanks!
Hugs... its like- get into a conversation- even when we stumble to find the words... I am no namby pamby liberal [I hope} I had four cousins who were gay- only one left alive. Grew up alongside them... the gayness does not bother me one iota it was the aids and the hep c that dragged them down- along with the addictions that were used to prop them up.
I had other things in my family that made me angry too- like suicides... anger did not describe my situation- rage does.
What angers me most is that the dad of those boys served his country at a very young age. And yes the seeds of addiction were sown well before then too.
Its not fair. And when we are cheated on, or abandoned it hurts the heart... and it feels like bleeding away...
at this juncture, like some prima donna I might stand my foot- oh bother!
Ah suppose my rage has gotten to this one- something I can manage and understand. Inside the rooms we are all sisters and brothers, brothers and sisters.
You may not like all of us- but you will love us in a special way- the same way we already love you.
Period. Done.
Thank you for sharing. And yes I agree with you "You may not like all of us- but you will love us in a special way- the same way we already love you." Love regardless of preference or past.
And no it's not fair that we are cheated on, AND abandoned. It does hurt especially when you stand with someone through the thick and thin. What are you left holding? A bag of why's......we live and learn.
Mostly importantly continue forward, not backwards.
Have a wonderful day! Hugs to you.
S
He may not even know what his sexual orientation is. it may take years and lots of experiences for him to find out. But what you do know is he's flirting awfully awfully close to sex with strangers if not crossed that line several times already. Not to be alarmist, but people who contract hiv through deceptive partners do exist, imagine the life sentence of betrayal that must entail and don't let that be you. Think of you in all this not him. You've been given a heads up that your sexual health is at risk through a partner actively seeking sex with other people. That he identifies as straight while seeking liaisons outside that identity suggests to me sexual curiosity. Add in addiction and all its isms and its risk taking behaviour in my view. What motivates it is his to work out and hopefully not at the risk of your health, the latter which is thankfully now in your hands. Take care of you.
Hello A4l,
Yes, this is why the relationship has ended. The fact that he is so close to that line (or has crossed it without my knowledge) was just too much for me.
The fact that he constantly lied about his interactions, in addition to his drinking was just alarming. He is spiraling, and I got off that roller coaster.
I refuse to be part of that life.
Thank you for your input!
S
That being said, YES people do drink and drug over coming out issues (BI or Gay) and confusion regarding sexuality. It is a stressful life issue and ANY stressful life issue can lead to the onset of maladaptive coping and/or self medicating.
My instinct is that you were dealing with a confused closet case and if his issues were bad enough for you to break up...globally speaking...keep on walking! It's done! Not your problem. You can't focus on the road ahead if you are consumed with a car wreck in your rear view mirror :)
Hello shrnp,
Thank you for sharing. Yes, it is extremely hurtful. Once the trust is gone you have nothing.
I agree with you...thinking about the people he his coming in contact with makes my decision so much easier. And the fact that I am refusing to allow that behavior back in my life or my home. Lucky for you, you dodged that bullet. I hope that you are on a happier path. Hugs to you.
S
Hello pinkchip,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I can imagine that making the decision to come out can be very stressful. My sister didn't tell me well into her thirties (we are 9 years apart). I know it was a big stress for her. I have thought that he is extremely confused. When a topic comes up regarding homosexuality he gets uncomfortable and a bit upset (this is something I noticed when I found out that he was on the gay dating web sites).
No, it's no longer my problem. I got off the road to avoid the disaster.
Hugs to you. I hope that you are on a much brighter path.
S
Hi A4l
I didn't feel you were lecturing me at all. I appreciate your input. I could imagine the hurt those women felt. I'm sure they appreciate you.
S
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 27th of January 2017 12:06:00 AM