Love yourself - how do you know when you're doing it enough?
MomInMo said
Jan 24, 2017
Okay, so one of the things I've really taken to hear is that you have to love yourself. That if you find the happiness inside your self, you stop looking for someone else to fill that need. That you stop loving others for the fantasy of them and for the real them.
I have felt a major shift inside of me. I know I'm not done. I know I'm a work in progress. But I truly do take steps to live me, care for me and have felt a difference.
Question is, when do I know I love myself enough to live someone for them? Like, how will I know if I'm doing it right?
luv123 said
Jan 24, 2017
Great question----wish there were a clear answer. I just know ,for me, loving myself has been a spiraling upward process like most things I am learning in program. So sometimes I feel really in a self loving place--then I come back around the spiral again and it seems more like a circle and I am back at not feeling or acting loving toward myself, but in reality I have come back to a 'similar' spot to learn another aspect of this particular lesson, but I really am more healed/doing better than I think in that moment.
I need to learn to trust the process and I see that process by listening to others at meetings and in here etc.---I see that if others follow these steps and get there so will I---but I never really ARRIVE anywhere--always growing in self love/care. Relationships are so often my training ground and through conflicts & experimenting with different behaviors and responses, I can move more toward self love and good boundaries while I practice with different loved ones. I have been married over 30 yrs. and I adore my husband. Did I love him for him at first--no, wasn't capable really for a long time. But now I would say most of the time I do (but there are weaker days) because I am more often filled up enough through program & my relationship with HP not to be expecting him to be my source anymore. Hope this sheds a little light--I appreciate you making me think more deeply on this stuff today--Wish you a beautiful self loving journey!!
Maresie25 said
Jan 24, 2017
Self esteem. For me people pleasing is a core defecit. My life used to revolve around it. I fall regularly. I agree recovery is all uphill for a long time. I think you know you love yourself enough when #no# becomes a whole lot easier to say.
Maresie45
shrnp said
Jan 24, 2017
It took me a couple of years to focus on myself. I had to create some strong boundaries. I had such a strong need to fix everyone. Not only was my alcoholic ex-bf taking advantage of me but his abuser friends were too. I had to totally change the people I had relationships with.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 24th of January 2017 11:07:48 AM
Freetime said
Jan 24, 2017
I agree, this is a great question. For me, keeping in mind that it's progress not perfection -- I will never be 100% done -- a couple of things come to mind that would show I am loving myself.
(1) I can ask for what I need and not feel guilty (2) I can say what I mean, mean what I say, not say it meanly, and not worry about the outcome. .
-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 24th of January 2017 11:08:29 AM
Jerry F said
Jan 24, 2017
Self love for me is about placing myself in the healthiest and safest situation I know at the time. I hang with my Higher Power and defer to its guidance gratefully and with confidence. Great subject and responses. ((((hugs))))
MomInMo said
Jan 25, 2017
Wow, great responses everyone! Well, if nothing else, I won't plan on arriving, but staying on the path, lol.
tiredtonite said
Jan 25, 2017
That you stop loving others for the fantasy of them and for the real them. That statement in your post really jumped out because it was exactly how I reacted in new relationships before Alanon and as a newcomer to the program. If I didn't know the "real" me, how could I possibly see another person for who they are. I believe my infatuation with a fantasy ideal concerning people who came into my life, had a lot to do with a wish list I'd created of what the "perfect" love relationship, friendship etc. might look like. This came from comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. My self esteem was low and I often confused grandiosity in another person for confidence. I experienced unhealthy relationships but I'm grateful for them. Those relationships although painful, helped me get to know more about myself, my boundaries or lack of them. Alanon has been and continues to be a journey of self discovery. It's taken time and experience to learn my likes, dislikes, identify what I'm really feeling and especially not to project a fantasy ideal onto others. Sadly, when I first got to Alanon I evaluated my worth by who accepted me and allowed me to be in their life. I wasn't so much taking actions based on self love and self worth with the assistance of a loving higher power guiding me. Instead, I was just floundering and directionless. Despite thinking I had control, it was quite the opposite. I was fearful and took limited risks to live fully. Not participating due to my fears, led to being acted upon by others, believing I was a victim and further asserted my thinking that playing it safe was best. My skewed thinking led me to believe that if this much "bad" could happen without taking action, imagine how much worse it would be if I chose "wrong." Basically, I was stuck. Without working the Alanon steps, risking to trust a higher power and sponsor and allowing myself to be vulnerable by openly sharing in Alanon meetings, the journey to self actualization may never have occurred. Today, I feel whole as a person, self loving and perfectly imperfect. My conscious contact with my higher power helps me to continue to grow as a person. I feel humbled look back at where I was and gratitude and acceptance concerning the lessons then and the one's my hp continues to send. I'm glad I haven't denied myself the opportunity to get to know myself rather than make other my hp and allow them to define me. Today, I feel excited and open to knowing others for who they really are. I can just to invite someone into my life more or less. I can also accept rejection. I may feel disappointed but I don't feel devalued by it. I know my worth. On days, I might question it, my higher power reminds me. TT
MomInMo said
Jan 25, 2017
Yes, getting to know people for who they are. That's what I'm begining to understand.
Maresie25 said
Jan 25, 2017
There are of course some people you don't want to get to know at all. Some of my problem is seeing the good in everyone.
I keep a lot of distance from my family of origin for good reason. I need to implement that far more in my life. When I encounter someone like I just did at one workplace I need to work out a way to get away from them asap. I took six months to get away from him which is an improvement from 7 years or 5 years. Nevertheless trusting my self is essential.
These days of course I can get away but putting myself first is always always pretty difficult for me
Maresie25
andromeda said
Jan 26, 2017
Yes, that's it:
You just get on the path and try your best to stay on it.
For me, it's a progressive movement in my recovery. People please, always saying I'm sorry for silly little things, treating myself as 'less than', or putting someone else's needs above my own.
Some steps I have taken along the way:
1. Instead of saying yes to someone's request I tell them I need to think about it. Especially, if it's something I know might cause resentment later on if it's something I'm not really into doing or might inconvenience me. If it's too much of an inconvenience and I find myself shuffling MY life around to accommodate someone else, then I know I need to say no.
2. Watching why I say I'm sorry or apologizing for things that don't belong to me and belong to somebody else. The other day I apologized when my phone rang and vibrated on the couch. My bf was like, "Why are you apologizing?" I said, "Well, the ring scared me and interrupted our TV show so I just apologized to you....." He thought i had lost my mind. To him, the phone ringing is just the phone ringing....happens every day in houses across America. He doesn't think it requires apologies, lol.
So, I take an assessment and I realize that I say I'm sorry even for other things that other people do; like my son or my mom or whomever. It's not a good habit to be in. I try to implement new ways and new habits of response.
3.Treating myself as 'less than' or 'not enough'....This was a huge problem for me and it still affects my self esteem. The best way I combat this is with going back to the Serenity Prayer and journaling my assets. I write down what others have said about me that is nice or compassionate or supportive or about how I made a friend laugh the other day and she just had to call me and tell me about it, etc. I literally have to write down reminders of who I am, who my HP says I am, and what others have said about me that build me up. In a normal person, this might be a bit egocentric or narcissistic, but for someone with codependent traits, I truly believe it's necessary to build ourselves up and to remind ourselves of our goodness and yet also remembering our imperfections and that others aren't perfect either.
I hope this helps!
Iamhere said
Jan 27, 2017
Great thread....don't know why I missed it!!! I love the shares and a part of me feels as if I am still a work in progress on this question.
The closer I align myself with the program principles, the more balanced I feel....for me, part of loving myself includes being of service to others, and aligning with what is the next right thing. When I can be a part of and not a part from, I am balanced.
I have come to change my definition of love from a feeling to a decision.....love means accepting me and others exactly as we are - imperfect humans in an imperfect world. I can make mistakes and they don't freeze me or ruin my 'day' - instead they are learning opportunities.
I too used to say I am sorry ... completely out of context. Today, practicing the pause helps me apologize when I am wrong, and say Excuse me when it's appropriate. Balance is my ultimate goal - live a little, play a little, love a ton and find joy in all that I can!
shrnp said
Jan 27, 2017
It took awhile for me to see that in my last relationship I had created a person in my mind. That the man I was in love with was not the man in front of me, but rather someone in my head. When his drinking got heavier I could no longer keep that illusion. The drinking and everyday life became the same. I had to end the relationship and get reacquainted with myself. It was hard at first because I really had to change my persons, places, and things. I still struggle some days when I would just like to go talk to somebody I use to be friends with. Then I look at all I have accomplished in that time, and I am really proud of myself. I got a college degree, I have a grandson now, I have new hobbies. Loving myself, did not happen overnight but it did happen. It is a process, but if you are working at that process, than you are doing a pretty good job. I have chosen to be single and not look for anyone else. That feels right for me now. I think that a lot of the things you learn in the program can be applied to everyday life and new relationships when that time comes.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 27th of January 2017 11:30:31 PM
el-cee said
Jan 27, 2017
Great question. For me self love began when I learned that I had a right to happiness and a good life and in fact it was my responsibility and no one else's. Sounds so basic but I thought I was getting the life i deserved because I just wasn't trying hard enough or I just wasn't good enough. I had very low self esteem but a big ego so I was miserable but thought I was in charge lol. Today after almost 5yrs in recovery is like myself a whole lot better. The old self hating tapes still play in my head but I can hear them better and I'm getting better at not letting them have too much power over me thanks to my hp. I'm still not quite emotionally sober got lingering immaturity going on. The unrealistic childish expectations of self are of course still bringing me down but I'm working on it. I'm living mostly in reality so can look at myself with much more true and open eyes. It's all a process and it takes time to sift through the debris. No short cuts or easy options with this one. Do the work over and over help other people over and over share and it keeps getting better.
Okay, so one of the things I've really taken to hear is that you have to love yourself. That if you find the happiness inside your self, you stop looking for someone else to fill that need. That you stop loving others for the fantasy of them and for the real them.
I have felt a major shift inside of me. I know I'm not done. I know I'm a work in progress. But I truly do take steps to live me, care for me and have felt a difference.
Question is, when do I know I love myself enough to live someone for them? Like, how will I know if I'm doing it right?
Great question----wish there were a clear answer. I just know ,for me, loving myself has been a spiraling upward process like most things I am learning in program. So sometimes I feel really in a self loving place--then I come back around the spiral again and it seems more like a circle and I am back at not feeling or acting loving toward myself, but in reality I have come back to a 'similar' spot to learn another aspect of this particular lesson, but I really am more healed/doing better than I think in that moment.
I need to learn to trust the process and I see that process by listening to others at meetings and in here etc.---I see that if others follow these steps and get there so will I---but I never really ARRIVE anywhere--always growing in self love/care. Relationships are so often my training ground and through conflicts & experimenting with different behaviors and responses, I can move more toward self love and good boundaries while I practice with different loved ones. I have been married over 30 yrs. and I adore my husband. Did I love him for him at first--no, wasn't capable really for a long time. But now I would say most of the time I do (but there are weaker days) because I am more often filled up enough through program & my relationship with HP not to be expecting him to be my source anymore. Hope this sheds a little light--I appreciate you making me think more deeply on this stuff today--Wish you a beautiful self loving journey!!
Self esteem. For me people pleasing is a core defecit. My life used to revolve around it. I fall regularly. I agree recovery is all uphill for a long time. I think you know you love yourself enough when #no# becomes a whole lot easier to say.
Maresie45
It took me a couple of years to focus on myself. I had to create some strong boundaries. I had such a strong need to fix everyone. Not only was my alcoholic ex-bf taking advantage of me but his abuser friends were too. I had to totally change the people I had relationships with.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 24th of January 2017 11:07:48 AM
I agree, this is a great question. For me, keeping in mind that it's progress not perfection -- I will never be 100% done -- a couple of things come to mind that would show I am loving myself.
(1) I can ask for what I need and not feel guilty
(2) I can say what I mean, mean what I say, not say it meanly, and not worry about the outcome.
.
-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 24th of January 2017 11:08:29 AM
Self love for me is about placing myself in the healthiest and safest situation I know at the time. I hang with my Higher Power and defer to its guidance gratefully and with confidence. Great subject and responses. ((((hugs))))
That you stop loving others for the fantasy of them and for the real them. That statement in your post really jumped out because it was exactly how I reacted in new relationships before Alanon and as a newcomer to the program. If I didn't know the "real" me, how could I possibly see another person for who they are. I believe my infatuation with a fantasy ideal concerning people who came into my life, had a lot to do with a wish list I'd created of what the "perfect" love relationship, friendship etc. might look like. This came from comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. My self esteem was low and I often confused grandiosity in another person for confidence. I experienced unhealthy relationships but I'm grateful for them. Those relationships although painful, helped me get to know more about myself, my boundaries or lack of them. Alanon has been and continues to be a journey of self discovery. It's taken time and experience to learn my likes, dislikes, identify what I'm really feeling and especially not to project a fantasy ideal onto others. Sadly, when I first got to Alanon I evaluated my worth by who accepted me and allowed me to be in their life. I wasn't so much taking actions based on self love and self worth with the assistance of a loving higher power guiding me. Instead, I was just floundering and directionless. Despite thinking I had control, it was quite the opposite. I was fearful and took limited risks to live fully. Not participating due to my fears, led to being acted upon by others, believing I was a victim and further asserted my thinking that playing it safe was best. My skewed thinking led me to believe that if this much "bad" could happen without taking action, imagine how much worse it would be if I chose "wrong." Basically, I was stuck. Without working the Alanon steps, risking to trust a higher power and sponsor and allowing myself to be vulnerable by openly sharing in Alanon meetings, the journey to self actualization may never have occurred. Today, I feel whole as a person, self loving and perfectly imperfect. My conscious contact with my higher power helps me to continue to grow as a person. I feel humbled look back at where I was and gratitude and acceptance concerning the lessons then and the one's my hp continues to send. I'm glad I haven't denied myself the opportunity to get to know myself rather than make other my hp and allow them to define me. Today, I feel excited and open to knowing others for who they really are. I can just to invite someone into my life more or less. I can also accept rejection. I may feel disappointed but I don't feel devalued by it. I know my worth. On days, I might question it, my higher power reminds me. TT
There are of course some people you don't want to get to know at all. Some of my problem is seeing the good in everyone.
I keep a lot of distance from my family of origin for good reason. I need to implement that far more in my life. When I encounter someone like I just did at one workplace I need to work out a way to get away from them asap. I took six months to get away from him which is an improvement from 7 years or 5 years. Nevertheless trusting my self is essential.
These days of course I can get away but putting myself first is always always pretty difficult for me
Maresie25
You just get on the path and try your best to stay on it.
For me, it's a progressive movement in my recovery. People please, always saying I'm sorry for silly little things, treating myself as 'less than', or putting someone else's needs above my own.
Some steps I have taken along the way:
1. Instead of saying yes to someone's request I tell them I need to think about it. Especially, if it's something I know might cause resentment later on if it's something I'm not really into doing or might inconvenience me. If it's too much of an inconvenience and I find myself shuffling MY life around to accommodate someone else, then I know I need to say no.
2. Watching why I say I'm sorry or apologizing for things that don't belong to me and belong to somebody else. The other day I apologized when my phone rang and vibrated on the couch. My bf was like, "Why are you apologizing?" I said, "Well, the ring scared me and interrupted our TV show so I just apologized to you....." He thought i had lost my mind. To him, the phone ringing is just the phone ringing....happens every day in houses across America. He doesn't think it requires apologies, lol.
So, I take an assessment and I realize that I say I'm sorry even for other things that other people do; like my son or my mom or whomever. It's not a good habit to be in. I try to implement new ways and new habits of response.
3.Treating myself as 'less than' or 'not enough'....This was a huge problem for me and it still affects my self esteem. The best way I combat this is with going back to the Serenity Prayer and journaling my assets. I write down what others have said about me that is nice or compassionate or supportive or about how I made a friend laugh the other day and she just had to call me and tell me about it, etc. I literally have to write down reminders of who I am, who my HP says I am, and what others have said about me that build me up. In a normal person, this might be a bit egocentric or narcissistic, but for someone with codependent traits, I truly believe it's necessary to build ourselves up and to remind ourselves of our goodness and yet also remembering our imperfections and that others aren't perfect either.
I hope this helps!
The closer I align myself with the program principles, the more balanced I feel....for me, part of loving myself includes being of service to others, and aligning with what is the next right thing. When I can be a part of and not a part from, I am balanced.
I have come to change my definition of love from a feeling to a decision.....love means accepting me and others exactly as we are - imperfect humans in an imperfect world. I can make mistakes and they don't freeze me or ruin my 'day' - instead they are learning opportunities.
I too used to say I am sorry ... completely out of context. Today, practicing the pause helps me apologize when I am wrong, and say Excuse me when it's appropriate. Balance is my ultimate goal - live a little, play a little, love a ton and find joy in all that I can!
It took awhile for me to see that in my last relationship I had created a person in my mind. That the man I was in love with was not the man in front of me, but rather someone in my head. When his drinking got heavier I could no longer keep that illusion. The drinking and everyday life became the same. I had to end the relationship and get reacquainted with myself. It was hard at first because I really had to change my persons, places, and things. I still struggle some days when I would just like to go talk to somebody I use to be friends with. Then I look at all I have accomplished in that time, and I am really proud of myself. I got a college degree, I have a grandson now, I have new hobbies. Loving myself, did not happen overnight but it did happen. It is a process, but if you are working at that process, than you are doing a pretty good job. I have chosen to be single and not look for anyone else. That feels right for me now. I think that a lot of the things you learn in the program can be applied to everyday life and new relationships when that time comes.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 27th of January 2017 11:30:31 PM