So, I tried doing step three. I mean, I answered the questions from the beige book on the topic. Well, my answers didn't confirm my resolve, they just exposed my confusion. :)
So, I've been trying to figure it all out. I had a friend help me kind of get a better hold on what I'd be willing to pray to.
So, last night I thought I'd start out slow. I prayed to hand over my will and my life (and kids lives) for the night, lol. That's what I felt I could handle to start.
Well, immediately my anxiety went through the roof. I felt liked I'd just prayed for something bad to happen. I couldn't sleep. A few hours later I got out of bed and checked my phone.
My ex, who never texts me really, sent me a text about a new issue with our son. The topic was cleared up, but it opened the door for me to lay into him in a way I never had. These texts went back and forth since he works the night shift. I mean, I let him have it. I'd restrained myself through the entire divorce process and beyond.
I could see it as bad, but now he knows I got my eye on him if he decides to make moves on our daughter (I didn't save the proof I had that he likes little girls, so there is nothing I can do to stop visitations - belive me, I've looked into it).
So maybe the whole thing was a good thing?
I guess, I prayed for God's will. I hoped for a quiet night, like every other night out there - but drama happened.
So, it makes me nervous to pray for God's will again. Make sense? Can some of you please share how you made peace with step three?
Enigmatic said
Jan 23, 2017
Hmmm...it is a journey, eh? The cool thing is that you are going after it, questioning, trying things out...you can't lose! I assume by 'the beige book' you are referring to Paths to Recovery - Steps and Traditions, and not the Summary of Commentary on Current Economic Conditions published by the Federal Reserve. You are a getting after it if you chose the latter!
This was a challenging step for me, for reasons I laid out on the AlAnon Step Board in August 2015. I will say I did not jump into the steps straight away, I knew I had a challenge with the god/hp concept so busied myself with the heavy lifting in Steps 1 and 2. By the time I got to tackle Step 3 formally, I had been working out a concept that 'worked' for me.
For it to 'work', I needed to plug in my hp concept into any of the steps or pages that dealt with it and keep a straight face...it needed to make sense to me, to be believable, otherwise the exercise lost much of it's power. For some, anything could be plugged in: the trees, ocean, mother nature, etc, and I was a bit envious, but that just didn't do it. I was able to come up with something that worked for me, however, and I have stuck with it successfully and feel a real difference in my recovery.
As far as concern for praying because of previous outcomes, I am sure you will find your way. There are some helpful readings under the topics of Expectations, Prayer, Step 3, and focus on actions and not outcomes that might shed some light.
Great to see your progress, you will find your way...
MomInMo said
Jan 24, 2017
Thank you. Yes. Focus on actions not outcomes. :)
I think part of my hiccup was that I easily belive in God, but got real nervous at the thought of handing my life and will over to him. I think I need to go back and do the step one and two and figure out what my higher power looks like - the one in Wyoming to turn my life over to. If that makes sense.
Thank you.
_bunny_ said
Jan 24, 2017
Hi MomInMo, the way I made peace with step 3 is to trust my HP to put me exactly where I need to be. I learned that my will wasn't always aligned with my HP's will. I too prayed for quiet nights but sometimes all I got was drama, drama, drama. But looking back, now I see there were unexpected lessons for me to learn in those dramatic experiences. Now I accept my HP's will and allow it to happen, even the drama.
MomInMo said
Jan 25, 2017
Lol, yes. I keep working on it. Working towards it. I thought I would make the decision and "get it done" but it seems more like chisling a sculpture than taking a photo.
MeTwo2 said
Jan 25, 2017
hi mom .. for me too step 3 became about making a commitment to do the step work .. trusting that somewhere along this journey the changes and healing will continue to 'change and grow me in gods perfect timing .. trusting we're being led toward 'sanity and 'serenity .. (even when we can't 'feel it) realising for me my only job is to 'prepare for hp to keep coming and doing the changing that is needed to 'free me up 'in order' so that i can continue to make better and healthier choices for me .. I'm still working through the fear .. my natural 'reaction to it is to 'freeze in it because it feels 'safer .. seems i have to continue step 3 making the 'choice to 'work through it every day .. grateful for the expression today that grace comes when we need it .. i am beginning to recognize others are placed in my life as i need them too .. and some are taken out .. not married here and grateful for that too .. for this 'moment .. keeping you and daughter in prayers .. everyone else here too .. recovery is definitely a process and not the 'event i once had come to believe it was .. recognizing i don't need to 'run to believe . i can walk take my time and gradually and naturally come to believe ..
MomInMo said
Jan 25, 2017
Yeah. My sponsor said "to get there faster, slow down". It makes sense, lol.
maryjane said
Jan 26, 2017
Hi Mom,
For me, the first 3 steps are, "I can't", "You can", "I'll let you". The I'll let you part really takes a lot of trust. And more trust.
Looking at your story reminds me of so many stories that I have heard and one real big one in my own life. In my own life..... I grew up with religion so the idea of a higher power was no stranger. While concentrating on the drinker I kind of grew away from the HP and stopped even thinking the HP was on my team. I grew up Prot. and married a Cath.... So every church I went in I would light a candle and pray for sobriety. I got the sobriety for the drinker, but I wasn't feeling a whole lot better because I still hated his behavior as a non-drinker. So I started praying, "Bless him, change me".
After a few months of that I get a call from the non-drinking spouse that he had stage 4B cancer. I was visiting with children so I had a harrowing middle of the night 14 hour drive with the truckers through the mountains in a snow storm to be with him. It was a rough next few months for me (and obviously for him) as I was preparing my mind to be a widow at way too young, and dealing with children and grandchildren and friends.... besides living with someone who is fighting for their life and is still not very nice as a non-drinker behavior on top of all the crap physical stuff he is dealing with.
That was in 2007.... and he survived... and is now thriving in his new life that he never thought was going to happen to him (and he had 2 more separate cancers since then). I wanted a "bless him" and wow- the HP sure did test my trust. I can chuckle now, but not then.
I thought of that when you said you prayed for serenity for the night and you got drama...... but it gave you a voice and you delivered a pretty concise and severe message to someone who needed it.
Also, another story I thought of as I read your post..... I had a friend in the program who always asked "when is the miracle going to happen?" as she was being beaten physically and emotionally and mentally by her spouse and her male sons.... all drinkers. She was leaving and going back and wondering when the miracle of the program was going to happen. Finally she didn't go back and was so sad and broken and depressed because she was going to leave the life she was in, and she asked me, "when is the miracle going to happen?" and I had to look at her and sadly say, "maybe it just did".
So I have to say to you, that trust that you are going in the right direction is really hard when your head and your heart are telling you two different things, or maybe they are telling you the same thing but you have to make your feet do it.
So, I tried doing step three. I mean, I answered the questions from the beige book on the topic. Well, my answers didn't confirm my resolve, they just exposed my confusion. :)
So, I've been trying to figure it all out. I had a friend help me kind of get a better hold on what I'd be willing to pray to.
So, last night I thought I'd start out slow. I prayed to hand over my will and my life (and kids lives) for the night, lol. That's what I felt I could handle to start.
Well, immediately my anxiety went through the roof. I felt liked I'd just prayed for something bad to happen. I couldn't sleep. A few hours later I got out of bed and checked my phone.
My ex, who never texts me really, sent me a text about a new issue with our son. The topic was cleared up, but it opened the door for me to lay into him in a way I never had. These texts went back and forth since he works the night shift. I mean, I let him have it. I'd restrained myself through the entire divorce process and beyond.
I could see it as bad, but now he knows I got my eye on him if he decides to make moves on our daughter (I didn't save the proof I had that he likes little girls, so there is nothing I can do to stop visitations - belive me, I've looked into it).
So maybe the whole thing was a good thing?
I guess, I prayed for God's will. I hoped for a quiet night, like every other night out there - but drama happened.
So, it makes me nervous to pray for God's will again. Make sense? Can some of you please share how you made peace with step three?
This was a challenging step for me, for reasons I laid out on the AlAnon Step Board in August 2015. I will say I did not jump into the steps straight away, I knew I had a challenge with the god/hp concept so busied myself with the heavy lifting in Steps 1 and 2. By the time I got to tackle Step 3 formally, I had been working out a concept that 'worked' for me.
For it to 'work', I needed to plug in my hp concept into any of the steps or pages that dealt with it and keep a straight face...it needed to make sense to me, to be believable, otherwise the exercise lost much of it's power. For some, anything could be plugged in: the trees, ocean, mother nature, etc, and I was a bit envious, but that just didn't do it. I was able to come up with something that worked for me, however, and I have stuck with it successfully and feel a real difference in my recovery.
As far as concern for praying because of previous outcomes, I am sure you will find your way. There are some helpful readings under the topics of Expectations, Prayer, Step 3, and focus on actions and not outcomes that might shed some light.
Great to see your progress, you will find your way...
I think part of my hiccup was that I easily belive in God, but got real nervous at the thought of handing my life and will over to him. I think I need to go back and do the step one and two and figure out what my higher power looks like - the one in Wyoming to turn my life over to. If that makes sense.
Thank you.
For me, the first 3 steps are, "I can't", "You can", "I'll let you". The I'll let you part really takes a lot of trust. And more trust.
Looking at your story reminds me of so many stories that I have heard and one real big one in my own life. In my own life..... I grew up with religion so the idea of a higher power was no stranger. While concentrating on the drinker I kind of grew away from the HP and stopped even thinking the HP was on my team. I grew up Prot. and married a Cath.... So every church I went in I would light a candle and pray for sobriety. I got the sobriety for the drinker, but I wasn't feeling a whole lot better because I still hated his behavior as a non-drinker. So I started praying, "Bless him, change me".
After a few months of that I get a call from the non-drinking spouse that he had stage 4B cancer. I was visiting with children so I had a harrowing middle of the night 14 hour drive with the truckers through the mountains in a snow storm to be with him. It was a rough next few months for me (and obviously for him) as I was preparing my mind to be a widow at way too young, and dealing with children and grandchildren and friends.... besides living with someone who is fighting for their life and is still not very nice as a non-drinker behavior on top of all the crap physical stuff he is dealing with.
That was in 2007.... and he survived... and is now thriving in his new life that he never thought was going to happen to him (and he had 2 more separate cancers since then). I wanted a "bless him" and wow- the HP sure did test my trust. I can chuckle now, but not then.
I thought of that when you said you prayed for serenity for the night and you got drama...... but it gave you a voice and you delivered a pretty concise and severe message to someone who needed it.
Also, another story I thought of as I read your post..... I had a friend in the program who always asked "when is the miracle going to happen?" as she was being beaten physically and emotionally and mentally by her spouse and her male sons.... all drinkers. She was leaving and going back and wondering when the miracle of the program was going to happen. Finally she didn't go back and was so sad and broken and depressed because she was going to leave the life she was in, and she asked me, "when is the miracle going to happen?" and I had to look at her and sadly say, "maybe it just did".
So I have to say to you, that trust that you are going in the right direction is really hard when your head and your heart are telling you two different things, or maybe they are telling you the same thing but you have to make your feet do it.
Anyway, take care of yourself.