I have been dealing with my ex A's family because he is in the hospital too sick to take care of himself. I normally do not talk to them at all because they have some dysfunctional relationships amongst themselves. I am angry that I have to deal with this. I am trying to justify to myself that I can just walk away for awhile. That my peace of mind is more important. I want to give myself permission to be selfish and take care of myself. I have been reading post about detachment and it sounds so graceful and serene, and I do not feel that way at all. I want to just run the other way and get away from the situation. The man is my ex and I have no obligation to be there for him or have to deal with his family. I have been for the past two years distancing myself from all of the drug addicts and alcoholics I had known, because life does not have to be that way. There is so much heartache in that lifestyle. It is like I have been finding the light after being surrounded by so much darkness. How do you find the courage to walk away and not feel guilty?
a4l said
Jan 22, 2017
I guess I'd be asking myself why I'm involved. I don't personally understand why there's a need to be aroind for an ex, unless there were lingering feelings or an old beleif system around loyalty. I know you mentioned an alcoholic parent and we learn different behaviors as children of alcoholics. Not having clear boundaries, additional guilt, beleiving we are responsible for and secretly capable of altering, outcomes which really are noneof our concern..... This is " normal " for children of alcoholics. In my experience, things in the interpersonal realm become messier and more crazy making the longer these issues are left unchecked. On a side note, that's my future book, grandchildren of alcoholics, looking at the roles of the aunts and uncles, themselves the children of alcoholics whilstbeing non practicing yet utterly damaging .
Back to you though, i really think answering the questions you have involves taking a deep look at your own processes. There are lots of ACOA resources as well as alanon. Acoa bill of rights, including the right to say no. You have a perfectly acceptable right to walk away from this situation. This situation really is between the alcoholic and his higher power, may the two have space to meet.
Keep coming back and take care of you.
hotrod said
Jan 22, 2017
Hi Shrnp attending alanon meetings, finding the support and empathy from like minded people gave me thee courage to act in my own best interest. The meetings, steps, slogan all pointed me in the dirextion of "keeping the focus on myself, Minding my own business and living in the moment and in the day.
You are not alone so please keep coming back.
shrnp said
Jan 22, 2017
Thanks for the replies. I have a brother who has read a lot of books about adult children of alcoholics. He tried to get me to read them. This is a good time to start for myself. I have read something about detachment and minding my own business too. I have a great family, we are not as close as we use to be. I am proud of my siblings, we went through so much.
serenity47 said
Jan 22, 2017
Shrnp. For myself learning to detach was a process. In the beginning all I could do is cut off contact, but this usually had an ulterior motive of hoping they would get the message and change their behaviour. As I learned more about detaching and the disease of addiction, I have been able to detach from situations that I need to with love and peace in my heart. I still have a lot of work to do in managing my reactions, examining my motives and focusing on my own life. It had gotten better as I have embraced Al anon twelve steps, reading the posts here and other Al anon material.
2HP said
Jan 22, 2017
I really appreciate your question "How do you find the courage to walk away and not feel guilty?"
I find it especially true for Adult children to feel guilty about self-care perhaps because we were conditioned to deny ourselves, others raising us to believe their needs were superior to ours, grooming us to support their disease. It left me very confused. I remember when my teachers would ask me, "how are you?" It brought instant tears because I didn't know how to answer that honestly, I was taught to not trust my feelings, they were always "wrong" or "bad."
Changing my dis-ease has been a process and I began with little things... first by TRUSTING the Al-anon program and then making a great effort at every suggestion given.
First things first, I had to ADMIT that what I had been doing was not working (and you seem to be saying this in your post.) Seeing this truth gave me the incentive to practice something different.
Then I came to believe I was in desperate need of a power greater than myself... But how to practice that? At first, I began attending multiple meetings a week to upload the new program into my brain. Daily, I turned to our literature... and I began the practice of getting "quiet and still" as my sponsor repeated over and over... which began my meditation practice and mindful walking... all part of my "reaching" for God...... and tapping into that Power.
I can see that whenever I cooperate with God, God sweeps right in, faith removes fear and doubt... and I am given courage to do stuff (really scary stuff) I never believed I could ever do. and when I still didn't have courage, one sponsor I had told me, "just act like it... act like you got some courage." it actually worked, lol
I love how you KNOW the light will take over the darkness, this is how it worked for me too!! I came to believe in my relationship to the Higher Power and I acted on that belief. It gave me courage to believe "I matter too" and to advocate for myself as an equal. It is hardly "selfish" to detach from madness and attach to Higher Power where there is peace.
Your post has me especially thinking of something my sponsor used to say whenever I could not make a decision about what I should do. She would ask me, "Would (doing this) bring you more PEACE? or more STRESS? "
that simple question often gave me guidance about God's Will for me........ Just for today.
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 22nd of January 2017 01:01:42 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 22nd of January 2017 08:16:03 PM
I have been dealing with my ex A's family because he is in the hospital too sick to take care of himself. I normally do not talk to them at all because they have some dysfunctional relationships amongst themselves. I am angry that I have to deal with this. I am trying to justify to myself that I can just walk away for awhile. That my peace of mind is more important. I want to give myself permission to be selfish and take care of myself. I have been reading post about detachment and it sounds so graceful and serene, and I do not feel that way at all. I want to just run the other way and get away from the situation. The man is my ex and I have no obligation to be there for him or have to deal with his family. I have been for the past two years distancing myself from all of the drug addicts and alcoholics I had known, because life does not have to be that way. There is so much heartache in that lifestyle. It is like I have been finding the light after being surrounded by so much darkness. How do you find the courage to walk away and not feel guilty?
Back to you though, i really think answering the questions you have involves taking a deep look at your own processes. There are lots of ACOA resources as well as alanon. Acoa bill of rights, including the right to say no. You have a perfectly acceptable right to walk away from this situation. This situation really is between the alcoholic and his higher power, may the two have space to meet.
Keep coming back and take care of you.
Hi Shrnp attending alanon meetings, finding the support and empathy from like minded people gave me thee courage to act in my own best interest. The meetings, steps, slogan all pointed me in the dirextion of "keeping the focus on myself, Minding my own business and living in the moment and in the day.
You are not alone so please keep coming back.
I really appreciate your question "How do you find the courage to walk away and not feel guilty?"
I find it especially true for Adult children to feel guilty about self-care perhaps because we were conditioned to deny ourselves, others raising us to believe their needs were superior to ours, grooming us to support their disease. It left me very confused. I remember when my teachers would ask me, "how are you?" It brought instant tears because I didn't know how to answer that honestly, I was taught to not trust my feelings, they were always "wrong" or "bad."
Changing my dis-ease has been a process and I began with little things... first by TRUSTING the Al-anon program and then making a great effort at every suggestion given.
First things first, I had to ADMIT that what I had been doing was not working (and you seem to be saying this in your post.) Seeing this truth gave me the incentive to practice something different.
Then I came to believe I was in desperate need of a power greater than myself... But how to practice that? At first, I began attending multiple meetings a week to upload the new program into my brain. Daily, I turned to our literature... and I began the practice of getting "quiet and still" as my sponsor repeated over and over... which began my meditation practice and mindful walking... all part of my "reaching" for God...... and tapping into that Power.
I can see that whenever I cooperate with God, God sweeps right in, faith removes fear and doubt... and I am given courage to do stuff (really scary stuff) I never believed I could ever do. and when I still didn't have courage, one sponsor I had told me, "just act like it... act like you got some courage." it actually worked, lol
I love how you KNOW the light will take over the darkness, this is how it worked for me too!! I came to believe in my relationship to the Higher Power and I acted on that belief. It gave me courage to believe "I matter too" and to advocate for myself as an equal. It is hardly "selfish" to detach from madness and attach to Higher Power where there is peace.
Your post has me especially thinking of something my sponsor used to say whenever I could not make a decision about what I should do. She would ask me, "Would (doing this) bring you more PEACE? or more STRESS? "
that simple question often gave me guidance about God's Will for me........ Just for today.
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 22nd of January 2017 01:01:42 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 22nd of January 2017 08:16:03 PM