God I've been doing this dance for five bloody years now.
Today im sitting in my awareness of who I am internally. It's uncomfortable but exactly right. Its taken all this time to get underneath my anger.
Underneath all that anger is acceptance and the will to live and move forward.
Putting myself in the hands of HP today.
Thank you to this board and alanon.
hotrod said
Jan 19, 2017
((A41)) Great acceptance. In time you will find that being in HP's hands is the perfect place to be.
Glad you are here .
LinSC said
Jan 19, 2017
"Today I am sitting in my awareness" what was your path to get here?
Getting real with yourself sounds like a great accomplishment!
Linsc
a4l said
Jan 19, 2017
Thanks to you both for replying. Linsc, I just keep showing up. Especially when i don't want to.
Jerry F said
Jan 19, 2017
I spent time with a sponsee this morning and this subject was a big part of our conversation. He was awake and didn't know why he couldn't see why and what he was doing that kept him feeling empty. He didn't know why he was absolutely focused on his spouse as the foundation of his problem and had set aside his files on personal inventories...he had forgotten what he had come to understand but not that he had come to understand. He didn't realized that we carry the information daily for a life time and so I needed to show him again what I do and how I do it progressively cause I'll never do it perfectly. He couldn't identify his fears and what the consequence of fear is and he was beating up on himself because that is one habit we perform rather than not. He had to blame...someone, anyone, her, himself...just blame because its one thing to do rather than to do nothing at all or practice acceptance and self love.
I know we will do this practice again until he acquires new habits and then that is what I did and the pain of it never killed me but rather strengthened my life in all areas.
"Getting real with myself"...for me...so often means practice, practice, practice what I have learned here that in the past opened my eyes and changed my behaviors. Just knowing this stuff isn't going to fix you my sponsor told me...this is a "do" program.
Great share a4l thanks so much for your ESH (((((HUGS)))))
a4l said
Jan 19, 2017
i can't delete so im editing.
-- Edited by a4l on Friday 20th of January 2017 12:35:02 AM
Jerry F said
Jan 19, 2017
God so often I have to rely upon a members actual realities rather than my fearful ones...."You know what? Im just done with me as i am. I am ready to put me down." My heart and spirit screams "DON'T!!' from my past experience with mental/emotional illness; mine personally and those of my clients when I was a therapist. Of course I never did and neither have you and then "Have I tried"? God intervened several times.
This isn't about me even though I have the reaction to the thoughts and voicings of others. I know that point of desperation and learned later in program that I actually did commit suicide as I learned, The program way.
I didn't end my life...I ended how I was living it and now I love it deeply.
How is this for a reaction to your sentence?
Love yourself as we love you and be grateful for all the love and support you have helped us with. Lift your a4l up high. She's no dupe...she is a lovely, precious child of God and one of God's special tools. ((((hugs))))
a4l said
Jan 20, 2017
Shoot sorry Jerry. Sometimes the written word has a double meaning unseen! Never offended and definitely too arrogant to self euthanize. I meant....ready to put down my preconceived ideas.... Done with my picker which attracts unavailable people because essentially i am unavailable. Sorry.....jeepers and i write for a living lol! Hugs, E.
a4l said
Jan 20, 2017
Gee i read that post again and can totally see how it might seem morbid. Im going to delete it incase it teiggers someone.
Iamhere said
Jan 20, 2017
I missed the edits......I will say that the written word often baffles me esp. if my brain is left of center!!
I love your first post....it reminds me how recovery truly is like peeling layers of an onion. I came in here so defeated and found relief just in being accepted by others with similar experiences. I coasted for a while with meetings, literature, slogans and then ... hit a plateau with a brain that went to, "Is this all there is?"
Then I began to explore me to the depth I could at the time with the steps, and as we say, More was Revealed. I found another level of serenity and joy in knowing and loving me better. And then - another plateau...
This is kind of what happens for me. I reach a serene place, and then get a nudge that it's time to grow again. A situation or person is put into my life and I go off-kilter. I go back to remembering I am powerless and can get unmanageable IF I don't stick close to my program and tools.
So - I love where you are as it shows me that more growth is in your future! Keep working it girl - it looks great on you!!
God I've been doing this dance for five bloody years now.
Today im sitting in my awareness of who I am internally. It's uncomfortable but exactly right. Its taken all this time to get underneath my anger.
Underneath all that anger is acceptance and the will to live and move forward.
Putting myself in the hands of HP today.
Thank you to this board and alanon.
Glad you are here .
"Today I am sitting in my awareness" what was your path to get here?
Getting real with yourself sounds like a great accomplishment!
Linsc
I spent time with a sponsee this morning and this subject was a big part of our conversation. He was awake and didn't know why he couldn't see why and what he was doing that kept him feeling empty. He didn't know why he was absolutely focused on his spouse as the foundation of his problem and had set aside his files on personal inventories...he had forgotten what he had come to understand but not that he had come to understand. He didn't realized that we carry the information daily for a life time and so I needed to show him again what I do and how I do it progressively cause I'll never do it perfectly. He couldn't identify his fears and what the consequence of fear is and he was beating up on himself because that is one habit we perform rather than not. He had to blame...someone, anyone, her, himself...just blame because its one thing to do rather than to do nothing at all or practice acceptance and self love.
I know we will do this practice again until he acquires new habits and then that is what I did and the pain of it never killed me but rather strengthened my life in all areas.
"Getting real with myself"...for me...so often means practice, practice, practice what I have learned here that in the past opened my eyes and changed my behaviors. Just knowing this stuff isn't going to fix you my sponsor told me...this is a "do" program.
Great share a4l thanks so much for your ESH (((((HUGS)))))
i can't delete so im editing.
-- Edited by a4l on Friday 20th of January 2017 12:35:02 AM
God so often I have to rely upon a members actual realities rather than my fearful ones...."You know what? Im just done with me as i am. I am ready to put me down." My heart and spirit screams "DON'T!!' from my past experience with mental/emotional illness; mine personally and those of my clients when I was a therapist. Of course I never did and neither have you and then "Have I tried"? God intervened several times.
This isn't about me even though I have the reaction to the thoughts and voicings of others. I know that point of desperation and learned later in program that I actually did commit suicide as I learned, The program way.
I didn't end my life...I ended how I was living it and now I love it deeply.
How is this for a reaction to your sentence?
Love yourself as we love you and be grateful for all the love and support you have helped us with. Lift your a4l up high. She's no dupe...she is a lovely, precious child of God and one of God's special tools. ((((hugs))))
I love your first post....it reminds me how recovery truly is like peeling layers of an onion. I came in here so defeated and found relief just in being accepted by others with similar experiences. I coasted for a while with meetings, literature, slogans and then ... hit a plateau with a brain that went to, "Is this all there is?"
Then I began to explore me to the depth I could at the time with the steps, and as we say, More was Revealed. I found another level of serenity and joy in knowing and loving me better. And then - another plateau...
This is kind of what happens for me. I reach a serene place, and then get a nudge that it's time to grow again. A situation or person is put into my life and I go off-kilter. I go back to remembering I am powerless and can get unmanageable IF I don't stick close to my program and tools.
So - I love where you are as it shows me that more growth is in your future! Keep working it girl - it looks great on you!!