I have a question - or maybe a problem. I guess I know the answer in principle, but maybe I need to hear it from some wiser heads. My encounter with alcoholism was relatively brief and low amplitude (by which I mean that there was no physical violence or infidelity etc, mainly lying and manipulation, isolation etc).
As a brief precis, I met my ABF three and a half years ago working as an expat. When the site closed we both lost our jobs and I moved to his home country (on a different continent to my home country).
During that period he began drinking heavily and shortly after I arrived to live with him his mother passed away, triggering a rather spectacular spiral with depressive bouts, and cyclical drinking (every day or every other day for a while, then a break of a few days up to a few weeks before a repeat). As I said - no physical violence, but a lot of arguing etc. My reaction was to leave the house when he was drunk, for hours or sometimes overnight. He'd usually become upset with me and pick a fight over something in my behaviour when I returned. When I look back at this period I don't feel pain per se, just loneliness and isolation.
In this time I didn't work, and found it difficult to connect in my new town due to the issues at home. There was no support from his family as they are all dead or estranged. After 7 months I left for two weeks of backpacking to clear my head. While I was away he drank almost daily for the first 10 days, and I made the decision to return to my home country to work and rebuild my sanity/bank account. That two week period was also when he had his last drink, joined AA and began his long road.
Since then I have found work consulting for a company in my home country, which allows me to afford/justify regular trips there to work, and to visit family and friends. My relationship with my ABF is something I no longer trust myself to describe - long story in itself, but I am not sure whether my judgement is being confounded by that of my ABF. Although he doesn't drink, the issues that caused him to drink are, I think, still something that he hasn't properly faced. He doesn't accept this; he believes that his involvement in AA is the only work he needs to do in this regard. I have absolute faith in the AA program, but I also believe that some of the issues from his childhood could benefit from other forms of counselling.
So here's the kicker. We live in a small town with a very small AlAnon group - the meetings I have attended have usually been myself and one other person. That other person is a friend (though not a super close one) from another group in town. I feel awkward sharing there because: the period that alcoholism affected my life was relatively short, the effect that it had on me was not major (rather it was compounded by my recent arrival in a foreign country, a feeling of lacking support from my partner, my own distress at retrenchment from the industry I work in, the transition to living in a family with children etc etc), and because it's a small town - despite the anonymity that's endemic to AlAnon, I find it hard to counsel the prospect of sharing awful experiences and the emotional isolation that I felt from my ABF with someone who will see him on a regular basis.
So I have a fear of being a charlatan against the lifetime of emotional abuse that many people here have experienced, AND a reluctance to disclose my partner's behaviour. I know that I still have resentment to deal with, because it still feels like something that was 'done' to me - like a wound that was imparted by the circumstances surrounding my ABF's behaviour. I can't afford to see a psych regularly, though the few sessions I could afford were great for asking me the questions that I needed to ask of myself. I appreciate that AlAnon is a great forum, but I can't seem to get past the reluctance to open up my head to my local group, quite aside from the challenge of fundamentally lacking understanding of what my HP looks like.
Any wisdom from the wider group appreciated.
hotrod said
Jan 19, 2017
Welcome messmate, Al-Anon is a recovery program for anyone who has lived with or continues to live with the disease of alcoholism, We make no distinctions. Living with the disease causes many of us to develop negative coping tools to deal with the insanity. Thee negative attitudes stay with us,even when we are no longer in the relationship or situation.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings help us to identify these issues and see how we are hurting ourselves and provides us with slogans and steps in order to regain our self-esteem and self-worth and develop new healthy tools to live by.
We have online meetings here two times a day. So if you're not comfortable at your face-to-face meeting. Why not try these meetings. Here's the schedule;
Meetings 9 AM EST Mon-Fri 9 PM EST Mon-Sat 10 AM EST Sat & Sun 7 PM EST Sunday
the meetings are held in the chat room and easily accessible
Keep coming back there is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of January 2017 04:50:46 PM
luv123 said
Jan 20, 2017
Welcome-glad u found the board. Ditto to the first response. The only requirement for membership is to be or have been troubled by drinking of a relative or friend. Most ppl have that qualification. And if u are finding the tools of Al-anon helpful, then it is probably no coincidence that u are here. I cannot count the number of ppl who I have heard come in to the rooms because of one life experience only to discover that other earlier life experiences or loved ones have had a similar effect on them, their self esteem, coping skills etc. These tools apply to overcoming so many of our difficulties---we practice them in all our affairs as they say in Step 12.
Another place to turn beyond your local meeting is the phone bridge--it is a U.S. number available 6-8 times each day for ppl to have a conference meeting on. Meetings are generally very well attended & organized. When u call in u will be muted, but the prompt will explain how to un-mute if u choose to share. Sometimes there are 100 ppl on the meeting calling in from all over the world.
Here is
part of schedule-there are more meetings listed online &
712-432-8733 pin #52639... .... daily 6a, 9a, 12pm, 4p, 8p, 10p , many nights at midnight (with a few exceptions on weekends sat/ sunday 8 am & 10am rather than at 9, I think...) for the meeting times you can call the 8733 number then just press this pin # (keypad numbers that correspond with the word TIMES)
All my best to you on your journey!
luv123 said
Jan 20, 2017
Meant to say--(Times are Eastern standard time)
Enigmatic said
Jan 20, 2017
Welcome, mate, glad you found us! Just a couple of things I thought of as I read your share and the following responses, they apply to my experience only and are not intended to be recommendations or guidance.
In AlAnon, I was guided to focus on my own recovery, experience, and challenges, not that of my qualifier. There is no requirement to share gory details of the alcoholic's behavior, in fact it is suggested that personal details may be shared with a trusted sponsor or group friend rather than just in an open group of strangers.
You might hear members speak of sharing their Experience, Strength, and Hope in the fellowship, or ESH. I found the description of ESH in the AlAnon daily reader One Day at a Time very helpful: it suggested that at meetings we focus on sharing our experience in applying (or trying to!) AlAnon principles in our lives, the strength we found from applying them, and the hope we find and look forward to.
I found that I was able to make great use of the program and headway in my recovery without sharing any of my qualifier's specific behavior. In the spirit of anonymity, shared today on the board from Courage to Change 1/20, I felt it would not be necessary or loving for me to outline the unpleasant behavior of someone else. Everyone on this board is all too familiar with the detrimental behavior that often accompanies problem drinking.
We are always interested, however, in YOU, how you are doing, things you are struggling to deal with, little program victories, big program victories, or times you just need a hug from the group (((you))). Whatever you decide to share is up to you and your comfort level, but always know there is a choice; we don't demand or expect you to deliver the specifics as proof you 'belong' here. You are always welcome, please keep coming back
Iamhere said
Jan 20, 2017
Welcome to MIP mate - glad you found us and glad that you shared. It took me a while to realize that I was powerless over others - no matter the issue and I could retrain 'me' to find what was important for me. The program helps us see how the disease reaches beyond the drinker and distorts our thinking, actions, reactions and emotions. We are given tools - steps, literature, meetings, fellowship - all to support us making changes for ourselves.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Jerry F said
Jan 20, 2017
Aloha Messmate and welcome to the board. When I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon in a town other than my home town I didn't know what alcoholism was, how to spell it or pronounce it properly and I didn't know that I didn't know. Even then I was to find out I was born and raised with in the disease and then much more. The program had many suggestions for me to consider and I did. "Keep coming back" was the one I encountered most and used because of my lack of awareness. "If you keep and open mind you will find help" for me was and still is a jewel because open mindedness is powerful practice for someone who doesn't get the picture clearly or quickly. My spouse was alcoholic and addict we had cross addictions each with their own characteristics and each very maddening.
Take your time as this is a confounding, confusing disease which if not arrested by total abstinence leads to insanity and even death. No to scare you but important information. Sobriety isn't only about not drinking it is about much much more. This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and there are millions of victims of it.
Count yourself blessed that you still maintain some levels of sanity. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Maresie25 said
Jan 25, 2017
I think you can qualify for Al.anon on a lot of levels
Some people are really open about their issues My friend who just committed suicide had ample income, a beautiful home, countless weeks of vacation a year, a 25 year marriage, tons of friends, hobbies.
He barely hinted at any problems. He drank but he said he could put it down. He functioned really well. He had the same job for 30.something years
All of us have problems. Some people are more open about them
Being with an alcoholic indeed being around an alcoholic is really difficult. I worked recently with.a young man who undoubtedly has a drug problem. He set out to cause me all kinds of problems
That is some of the problem about being around an alcoholic their problems are paramount
These days my own problems which are plentiful are more important than any other person.
I.certainly empathize with finding the right place to share Finding the right meeting is essential. I have been looking at changing some of the places I.go.for recovery. These days I take my time. I.dont rush in
I think therapy certainly helps. Nevertheless having people around who can empathize is really really helpful. So is sharing where you are at this current time.
This particular group has helped me immeasurably through ma y hard times. Why not give this place a chance
Hi folks,
I have a question - or maybe a problem. I guess I know the answer in principle, but maybe I need to hear it from some wiser heads.
My encounter with alcoholism was relatively brief and low amplitude (by which I mean that there was no physical violence or infidelity etc, mainly lying and manipulation, isolation etc).
As a brief precis, I met my ABF three and a half years ago working as an expat. When the site closed we both lost our jobs and I moved to his home country (on a different continent to my home country).
During that period he began drinking heavily and shortly after I arrived to live with him his mother passed away, triggering a rather spectacular spiral with depressive bouts, and cyclical drinking (every day or every other day for a while, then a break of a few days up to a few weeks before a repeat). As I said - no physical violence, but a lot of arguing etc. My reaction was to leave the house when he was drunk, for hours or sometimes overnight. He'd usually become upset with me and pick a fight over something in my behaviour when I returned. When I look back at this period I don't feel pain per se, just loneliness and isolation.
In this time I didn't work, and found it difficult to connect in my new town due to the issues at home. There was no support from his family as they are all dead or estranged. After 7 months I left for two weeks of backpacking to clear my head. While I was away he drank almost daily for the first 10 days, and I made the decision to return to my home country to work and rebuild my sanity/bank account. That two week period was also when he had his last drink, joined AA and began his long road.
Since then I have found work consulting for a company in my home country, which allows me to afford/justify regular trips there to work, and to visit family and friends. My relationship with my ABF is something I no longer trust myself to describe - long story in itself, but I am not sure whether my judgement is being confounded by that of my ABF. Although he doesn't drink, the issues that caused him to drink are, I think, still something that he hasn't properly faced. He doesn't accept this; he believes that his involvement in AA is the only work he needs to do in this regard. I have absolute faith in the AA program, but I also believe that some of the issues from his childhood could benefit from other forms of counselling.
So here's the kicker. We live in a small town with a very small AlAnon group - the meetings I have attended have usually been myself and one other person. That other person is a friend (though not a super close one) from another group in town. I feel awkward sharing there because: the period that alcoholism affected my life was relatively short, the effect that it had on me was not major (rather it was compounded by my recent arrival in a foreign country, a feeling of lacking support from my partner, my own distress at retrenchment from the industry I work in, the transition to living in a family with children etc etc), and because it's a small town - despite the anonymity that's endemic to AlAnon, I find it hard to counsel the prospect of sharing awful experiences and the emotional isolation that I felt from my ABF with someone who will see him on a regular basis.
So I have a fear of being a charlatan against the lifetime of emotional abuse that many people here have experienced, AND a reluctance to disclose my partner's behaviour. I know that I still have resentment to deal with, because it still feels like something that was 'done' to me - like a wound that was imparted by the circumstances surrounding my ABF's behaviour. I can't afford to see a psych regularly, though the few sessions I could afford were great for asking me the questions that I needed to ask of myself. I appreciate that AlAnon is a great forum, but I can't seem to get past the reluctance to open up my head to my local group, quite aside from the challenge of fundamentally lacking understanding of what my HP looks like.
Any wisdom from the wider group appreciated.
Welcome messmate, Al-Anon is a recovery program for anyone who has lived with or continues to live with the disease of alcoholism, We make no distinctions. Living with the disease causes many of us to develop negative coping tools to deal with the insanity. Thee negative attitudes stay with us,even when we are no longer in the relationship or situation.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings help us to identify these issues and see how we are hurting ourselves and provides us with slogans and steps in order to regain our self-esteem and self-worth and develop new healthy tools to live by.
We have online meetings here two times a day. So if you're not comfortable at your face-to-face meeting. Why not try these meetings. Here's the schedule;
Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
the meetings are held in the chat room and easily accessible
Keep coming back there is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of January 2017 04:50:46 PM
Welcome-glad u found the board. Ditto to the first response. The only requirement for membership is to be or have been troubled by drinking of a relative or friend. Most ppl have that qualification. And if u are finding the tools of Al-anon helpful, then it is probably no coincidence that u are here. I cannot count the number of ppl who I have heard come in to the rooms because of one life experience only to discover that other earlier life experiences or loved ones have had a similar effect on them, their self esteem, coping skills etc. These tools apply to overcoming so many of our difficulties---we practice them in all our affairs as they say in Step 12.
Another place to turn beyond your local meeting is the phone bridge--it is a U.S. number available 6-8 times each day for ppl to have a conference meeting on. Meetings are generally very well attended & organized. When u call in u will be muted, but the prompt will explain how to un-mute if u choose to share. Sometimes there are 100 ppl on the meeting calling in from all over the world.
712-432-8733 pin #52639... .... daily 6a, 9a, 12pm, 4p, 8p, 10p , many nights at midnight (with a few exceptions on weekends sat/ sunday 8 am & 10am rather than at 9, I think...) for the meeting times you can call the 8733 number then just press this pin # (keypad numbers that correspond with the word TIMES)
All my best to you on your journey!
Meant to say--(Times are Eastern standard time)
In AlAnon, I was guided to focus on my own recovery, experience, and challenges, not that of my qualifier. There is no requirement to share gory details of the alcoholic's behavior, in fact it is suggested that personal details may be shared with a trusted sponsor or group friend rather than just in an open group of strangers.
You might hear members speak of sharing their Experience, Strength, and Hope in the fellowship, or ESH. I found the description of ESH in the AlAnon daily reader One Day at a Time very helpful: it suggested that at meetings we focus on sharing our experience in applying (or trying to!) AlAnon principles in our lives, the strength we found from applying them, and the hope we find and look forward to.
I found that I was able to make great use of the program and headway in my recovery without sharing any of my qualifier's specific behavior. In the spirit of anonymity, shared today on the board from Courage to Change 1/20, I felt it would not be necessary or loving for me to outline the unpleasant behavior of someone else. Everyone on this board is all too familiar with the detrimental behavior that often accompanies problem drinking.
We are always interested, however, in YOU, how you are doing, things you are struggling to deal with, little program victories, big program victories, or times you just need a hug from the group (((you))). Whatever you decide to share is up to you and your comfort level, but always know there is a choice; we don't demand or expect you to deliver the specifics as proof you 'belong' here. You are always welcome, please keep coming back
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Aloha Messmate and welcome to the board. When I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon in a town other than my home town I didn't know what alcoholism was, how to spell it or pronounce it properly and I didn't know that I didn't know. Even then I was to find out I was born and raised with in the disease and then much more. The program had many suggestions for me to consider and I did. "Keep coming back" was the one I encountered most and used because of my lack of awareness. "If you keep and open mind you will find help" for me was and still is a jewel because open mindedness is powerful practice for someone who doesn't get the picture clearly or quickly. My spouse was alcoholic and addict we had cross addictions each with their own characteristics and each very maddening.
Take your time as this is a confounding, confusing disease which if not arrested by total abstinence leads to insanity and even death. No to scare you but important information. Sobriety isn't only about not drinking it is about much much more. This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and there are millions of victims of it.
Count yourself blessed that you still maintain some levels of sanity. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I think you can qualify for Al.anon on a lot of levels
Some people are really open about their issues
My friend who just committed suicide had ample income, a beautiful home, countless weeks of vacation a year, a 25 year marriage, tons of friends, hobbies.
He barely hinted at any problems. He drank but he said he could put it down. He functioned really well. He had the same job for 30.something years
All of us have problems. Some people are more open about them
Being with an alcoholic indeed being around an alcoholic is really difficult. I worked recently with.a young man who undoubtedly has a drug problem. He set out to cause me all kinds of problems
That is some of the problem about being around an alcoholic their problems are paramount
These days my own problems which are plentiful are more important than any other person.
I.certainly empathize with finding the right place to share
Finding the right meeting is essential. I have been looking at changing some of the places I.go.for recovery. These days I take my time. I.dont rush in
I think therapy certainly helps. Nevertheless having people around who can empathize is really really helpful. So is sharing where you are at this current time.
This particular group has helped me immeasurably through ma y hard times. Why not give this place a chance
Look.at all the options you can
Maresie25