Im sitting here the morning after my best friend, maid of honor in my wedding, passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack. She was only 52. Life was never kind to her. She struggled her whole life. She married young to an alcoholic and had four kids. She stayed and did the best she could for 13 years, he was never employed for very long, always rumors that he was running with this woman or that woman behind her back, and finally she had enough after he drove her sick daughter of 6 months to the pediatrician drunk. The pediatrician was going to call Child Welfare. She decided right there and then her children were her priority. So, she kicked him out and instead of doing the honorable thing he ran off. He didn't pay a dime in child support, she didn't get the chance to divorce him because he was always off the grid. So all the messes he created as part of his consequences she had to suffer losing her home, her car, mounds of debt. But she kept plucking. Bound and determined. But she was bitter and resentful.
In the depths of my RAH use and all the consequences started to come I just couldn't listen to the negativity. I think I was in denial. I was judgmental and self righteous and detached myself. She never found the peace and serenity she was looking for but she worked so hard and always put her kids first. She went back to school and worked 2 jobs, started her own company, and finally moved out of the low income development this past summer. Her husband finally resurfaced and she was able to divorce him and actually started to get some child support. For the first time in 25 years she was not on Welfare. I only know this because her son and my son are still close and he came over often and kept me up to date.
I swore that she was going to be one of the first people I made amends to when I got to that step. She was one of the few people I knew would come when I needed her and I detached because of the bitterness and negativity. I was so badly manipulated by the alcoholic in my life I believed him instead of her I feel so bad. I treated her so badly, dodging calls, cancelling plans and being so self righteous. I will never have the opportunity to make amends. My amends will have to be getting better. Finding my serenity and finishing my journey happy and peaceful so that I can make true amends on the other side.
RIP my friend, I love you " Mama" and I am sorry.
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2017
(((Suzann))) - so sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
hotrod said
Jan 18, 2017
((Suzann )) I am so sorry to read of the loss of your friend. Please do forgive yourself and know that you did the best that you could under the circumstances. Make amends to yourself and then learn from this experience going forward and in honor of your friend, continue to show your wisdom, compassion and empathy to another suffering alanon member.
Positive thoughts on the way
serenity47 said
Jan 18, 2017
(fooled) I am sorry about the loss of your friend. I think you just did make amends to her. The opportunity for a face to face may have passed but I believe a life lived in service, compassion and empathy for others (a living amends) is available for all of us. May your friend rest in peace.
2HP said
Jan 18, 2017
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend (((Suzann))) I feel grateful that you brought her story here, I am very touched. I don't know anyone who hasn't endured a lifetime of challenges and yet our perception of "good" and "bad" causes so many of us to suffer.
She may have had struggles as we all do, that is life. Yet after I finished reading your post, I sit in awe of her accomplishments..... what COURAGE!!!
In some ways, I have walked in her shoes, it takes courage to get honest enough to end a marriage that is not working... often perceived as the easier, softer way but I found that is certainly NOT true... and it takes COURAGE to risk poverty and wake up every day with enough energy to pluck along. But she went back to school! she worked 2 jobs! she started a company!! I mean, WOW!!! She had more courage than I have, that's for sure.
I'm with you feeling sad that she could not recognize this inner strength and resilience within her... or the Higher Power behind it. How often I do the same, walking around so blind to God's presence right within me, ever inviting me to a deeper love and more peace and joy... instead, focusing on negativity... stuck in material comforts and appearances... and my sorrowful stories... none of which serve me on an upward climb.
So her life story (with the help of al-anon) inspires me to remember that fearlessness is FAITH. and fearless SURRENDER is the highest faith. and for that alone, I feel certain God has her in His Arms saying, well done, my good and faithful servant.
I invite you, Suzann, to look at "amends" as something other than an event to say "I'm sorry" to a physical body. It certainly can be that but I can assure you this "spiritual" program is more about us amending (changing) for God. that is the meaning of a true amends, making it right between me and God. And its never too late. We are never a lost cause to God, not even in death.
Be good and gentle with (((you))) special thanks for sharing your friend with us.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 18th of January 2017 11:10:23 AM
Maresie25 said
Jan 24, 2017
I.certainly have had friends I let down badly because of this disease. Alcoholics certainly have many many casualties
From hearing your story I think its clear you always cared about your friend. You certainly kept up with her progress
I.I.seeiously doubt Imwill get to make amends to some people in person. Doing a forgiveness meditation helped me with that. Some amends are not possible. A dear friend of mine committed suicide recently. I had no idea he was even suicidal.
One of the key things I am left with inn the demisof.my friend is he always wanted the best for me. He akwaysvwanted me to succeed. Recently I moved out of an abusive job situation. I know he would have been happy to know that
I am sure your friend also heard about your progress. Usually that kind of communication goes both ways. I am sure she was equally happy to hear of your progress. Sometimes amends are about knowing others want the best for us.
Everyday I try to do better. For me that is one big amends not just to me but to the world.
Maresie45
Jerry F said
Jan 24, 2017
((((Fooled)))) the disease touches every one and thing it comes into contact with and we learn to do the best we can with what we have including the time we have. Amends is and ongoing thing I also learned in recovery...Progress...getting better with time and effort helps us to learn to touch people, places and things better, healthier and more loving over recovery time. Thanks for the share...prayers for your friend and the alcoholic. ((((hugs))))
tiredtonite said
Jan 24, 2017
(((fooled))) I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling over the loss of your friend. Wishing you peace and healing. TT
Im sitting here the morning after my best friend, maid of honor in my wedding, passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack. She was only 52. Life was never kind to her. She struggled her whole life. She married young to an alcoholic and had four kids. She stayed and did the best she could for 13 years, he was never employed for very long, always rumors that he was running with this woman or that woman behind her back, and finally she had enough after he drove her sick daughter of 6 months to the pediatrician drunk. The pediatrician was going to call Child Welfare. She decided right there and then her children were her priority. So, she kicked him out and instead of doing the honorable thing he ran off. He didn't pay a dime in child support, she didn't get the chance to divorce him because he was always off the grid. So all the messes he created as part of his consequences she had to suffer losing her home, her car, mounds of debt. But she kept plucking. Bound and determined. But she was bitter and resentful.
In the depths of my RAH use and all the consequences started to come I just couldn't listen to the negativity. I think I was in denial. I was judgmental and self righteous and detached myself. She never found the peace and serenity she was looking for but she worked so hard and always put her kids first. She went back to school and worked 2 jobs, started her own company, and finally moved out of the low income development this past summer. Her husband finally resurfaced and she was able to divorce him and actually started to get some child support. For the first time in 25 years she was not on Welfare. I only know this because her son and my son are still close and he came over often and kept me up to date.
I swore that she was going to be one of the first people I made amends to when I got to that step. She was one of the few people I knew would come when I needed her and I detached because of the bitterness and negativity. I was so badly manipulated by the alcoholic in my life I believed him instead of her I feel so bad. I treated her so badly, dodging calls, cancelling plans and being so self righteous. I will never have the opportunity to make amends. My amends will have to be getting better. Finding my serenity and finishing my journey happy and peaceful so that I can make true amends on the other side.
RIP my friend, I love you " Mama" and I am sorry.
((Suzann )) I am so sorry to read of the loss of your friend. Please do forgive yourself and know that you did the best that you could under the circumstances. Make amends to yourself and then learn from this experience going forward and in honor of your friend, continue to show your wisdom, compassion and empathy to another suffering alanon member.
Positive thoughts on the way
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend (((Suzann))) I feel grateful that you brought her story here, I am very touched. I don't know anyone who hasn't endured a lifetime of challenges and yet our perception of "good" and "bad" causes so many of us to suffer.
She may have had struggles as we all do, that is life. Yet after I finished reading your post, I sit in awe of her accomplishments..... what COURAGE!!!
In some ways, I have walked in her shoes, it takes courage to get honest enough to end a marriage that is not working... often perceived as the easier, softer way but I found that is certainly NOT true... and it takes COURAGE to risk poverty and wake up every day with enough energy to pluck along. But she went back to school! she worked 2 jobs! she started a company!! I mean, WOW!!! She had more courage than I have, that's for sure.
I'm with you feeling sad that she could not recognize this inner strength and resilience within her... or the Higher Power behind it. How often I do the same, walking around so blind to God's presence right within me, ever inviting me to a deeper love and more peace and joy... instead, focusing on negativity... stuck in material comforts and appearances... and my sorrowful stories... none of which serve me on an upward climb.
So her life story (with the help of al-anon) inspires me to remember that fearlessness is FAITH. and fearless SURRENDER is the highest faith. and for that alone, I feel certain God has her in His Arms saying, well done, my good and faithful servant.
I invite you, Suzann, to look at "amends" as something other than an event to say "I'm sorry" to a physical body. It certainly can be that but I can assure you this "spiritual" program is more about us amending (changing) for God. that is the meaning of a true amends, making it right between me and God. And its never too late. We are never a lost cause to God, not even in death.
Be good and gentle with (((you))) special thanks for sharing your friend with us.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 18th of January 2017 11:10:23 AM
I.certainly have had friends I let down badly because of this disease. Alcoholics certainly have many many casualties
From hearing your story I think its clear you always cared about your friend. You certainly kept up with her progress
I.I.seeiously doubt Imwill get to make amends to some people in person. Doing a forgiveness meditation helped me with that. Some amends are not possible. A dear friend of mine committed suicide recently. I had no idea he was even suicidal.
One of the key things I am left with inn the demisof.my friend is he always wanted the best for me. He akwaysvwanted me to succeed. Recently I moved out of an abusive job situation. I know he would have been happy to know that
I am sure your friend also heard about your progress. Usually that kind of communication goes both ways. I am sure she was equally happy to hear of your progress. Sometimes amends are about knowing others want the best for us.
Everyday I try to do better. For me that is one big amends not just to me but to the world.
Maresie45
((((Fooled)))) the disease touches every one and thing it comes into contact with and we learn to do the best we can with what we have including the time we have. Amends is and ongoing thing I also learned in recovery...Progress...getting better with time and effort helps us to learn to touch people, places and things better, healthier and more loving over recovery time. Thanks for the share...prayers for your friend and the alcoholic. ((((hugs))))
(((fooled))) I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling over the loss of your friend. Wishing you peace and healing. TT