My husband was ACOA, if you didnt know him you would have thought he was a drinker. But he never touched a drop or drugs or anything like that. But he had the same exact symptoms of a full blown alcoholic. I was married for many years but after realizing me and my children were always walking on eggs, I divorced. I was afraid of him his anger and raging. I was co-dependent and very submissive.
Well after those years, I then had to deal with a qualifier. And that was 10 years long.
I finally made it to today, and now I feel like I never took care of me and never really had a life. What I realize now is that I never learned to make a decision about my life, and now, today I can't make decisions..... I feel like I am in the first grade! I blame my submissive self for this. Important decisions, small decisions, etc, etc. I have to work on this as I am now trying to make a decision about traveling to see my family of origin. its been many years. But I feel like I am stuck mentally. My job of many years made it easy to not have to think about things, I just got up every day and went to work, no question about it. Now I am retired and have no structure in my days, so I am having to deal with this indecision. Any ESH is welcomed. Give it to me straight. linsc
hotrod said
Jan 17, 2017
Hi Lin your intelligence wisdom, compassion and empathy are evident as I read each of your responses.
I too can identify with the fact of neglecting myself and not knowing what i enjoyed. I think that starting small might help. Give yourself permission to have fun and then ask HP to guide your actions .
I have taken trips by simply selecting a date for the trip and then calling a travel agent and had them plan the trip I noted the dates etc on my calendar and simply forgot about it, It worked for me and still does
Take the action and let go of the results
LinSC said
Jan 17, 2017
Thank You, Hotrod, your thoughts were good to hear.
Linsc
Jerry F said
Jan 17, 2017
Lin I use to sit and get unstuck with the literature, the writings of the fellowship that came before me. Of course sitting in the groups listening, listening, listening gave me the ESH of those who had experiences I really desired and then got. You are not alone keep reaching out...we are with you. ((((hugs))))
LinSC said
Jan 18, 2017
Mahalo....
el-cee said
Jan 18, 2017
I think the steps could be key. Learning more about what you like, what makes you happy, what makes you not want to take risks. A step 4 inventory could be useful, looking at the shortcoming that is causing this wall for you. It could be fear, possibly linked in with perfectionism, well for me this shortcoming is a big one because it blocks me from doing things I want to do. Im fearful of not doing it perfectly or not being good enough and this might lead to rejection and so it triggers my people pleasing as well. I know my shortcomings seem to be linked together and cause a ripple effect triggering other shortcomings. If you can get the awareness on the cause of this then working the rest of the steps on it could free you. x
Suburban Denizen said
Jan 18, 2017
The ideas here are terrific, so I only have a little to add.
When I'm at my most afraid and stuck, I've found that getting out of myself works. Al-Anon service work, talking with a newcomer, getting to know others from my meetings - all expand my world. It also helps to volunteer - I work full-time, but I also volunteer a few hours each week at an animal shelter, where I am a "cat socializer" (!). That consists of petting the cats up for adoption and helping families looking to adopt sort out what would work for them. I also do some one-off events - helping staff a table at a charity event, etc. None of these things necessarily requires much in the way of making decisions, but do help me feel more involved in the world.
The problem with my chirpy bright recounting is that I have to get off my butt and do the things I know I should. It seems great when I think about doing it, but when it's time to actually get ready to leave the house I look for every excuse under the sun not to go...I'm tired, too much pressure, I want to be by myself. The excuses are just that, and I have to work at squashing those. After I've done something I realize that I feel better and have more direction and energy. Depression plays into the not-wanting-to-do-anything, too; sometimes I can talk myself into doing something because it's necessary to "treat" my condition, which lifts if/when I get out of my own way.
Alll the best, and lots of hugs.
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2017
I tend to also get unstuck with program effort or service work.....Service work for me is well beyond our program - as easy as opening a door for another or a friendly smile. It took me working the steps to realize my biggest issue was fear....fear of success, fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of ...
Small steps helped me fill my life when I retired. I volunteered for a long while and did simple things - started making my bed, painted a room, put a shelf up for my literature, organized photos, etc. I made a list of 'want to do things - projects, pleasure, etc' and just started in. I never run out of things to do as I love to research and serve.
We talk often here about recovery being similar to 'growing up in public'. Many of us came from dysfunction so making decisions or self-care was not easy....baby steps helped me feel more confident in who I am and what I needed/wanted in my life
(((Hugs)))
Maresie25 said
Jan 24, 2017
Going to see a family of origin is pretty big stuff. I went seven years ago. I certainly will not be going again.
Being stuck is sometimes a sign of depression Being around any alcoholic/addict is certainly an uphill task. Few people manage that kind of relationship well. They generally have a lot of casualties. However you survived those relationships you did it.
I cannot say I am too proud of some of my interactions. Recently I had to deal with an alcoholic/addict at work. But was all I could do not to blow up on him every day he was so provocative
I have learned to be compassionate and kind to myself. I deserve that kind of caring. So do you
Maresie45
pinkchip said
Jan 24, 2017
Doing nothing IS a decision. To me, this sounds like existential and identity conflict. Maybe write a list of 10 things you like and then a concerted effort to build your life more around those interests and activities. It is like strps 4 through 7 here. You identified this "defect"/problem about you. Now follow up with what you are willing to do to change it than rely on your HP to take brave steps in new directions.
My husband was ACOA, if you didnt know him you would have thought he was a drinker. But he never touched a drop or drugs or anything like that. But he had the same exact symptoms of a full blown alcoholic. I was married for many years but after realizing me and my children were always walking on eggs, I divorced. I was afraid of him his anger and raging. I was co-dependent and very submissive.
Well after those years, I then had to deal with a qualifier. And that was 10 years long.
I finally made it to today, and now I feel like I never took care of me and never really had a life. What I realize now is that I never learned to make a decision about my life, and now, today I can't make decisions..... I feel like I am in the first grade! I blame my submissive self for this. Important decisions, small decisions, etc, etc. I have to work on this as I am now trying to make a decision about traveling to see my family of origin. its been many years. But I feel like I am stuck mentally. My job of many years made it easy to not have to think about things, I just got up every day and went to work, no question about it. Now I am retired and have no structure in my days, so I am having to deal with this indecision. Any ESH is welcomed. Give it to me straight. linsc
Hi Lin your intelligence wisdom, compassion and empathy are evident as I read each of your responses.
I too can identify with the fact of neglecting myself and not knowing what i enjoyed. I think that starting small might help. Give yourself permission to have fun and then ask HP to guide your actions .
I have taken trips by simply selecting a date for the trip and then calling a travel agent and had them plan the trip I noted the dates etc on my calendar and simply forgot about it, It worked for me and still does
Take the action and let go of the results
Thank You, Hotrod, your thoughts were good to hear.
Linsc
Lin I use to sit and get unstuck with the literature, the writings of the fellowship that came before me. Of course sitting in the groups listening, listening, listening gave me the ESH of those who had experiences I really desired and then got. You are not alone keep reaching out...we are with you. ((((hugs))))
Mahalo....
I think the steps could be key. Learning more about what you like, what makes you happy, what makes you not want to take risks. A step 4 inventory could be useful, looking at the shortcoming that is causing this wall for you. It could be fear, possibly linked in with perfectionism, well for me this shortcoming is a big one because it blocks me from doing things I want to do. Im fearful of not doing it perfectly or not being good enough and this might lead to rejection and so it triggers my people pleasing as well. I know my shortcomings seem to be linked together and cause a ripple effect triggering other shortcomings. If you can get the awareness on the cause of this then working the rest of the steps on it could free you. x
When I'm at my most afraid and stuck, I've found that getting out of myself works. Al-Anon service work, talking with a newcomer, getting to know others from my meetings - all expand my world. It also helps to volunteer - I work full-time, but I also volunteer a few hours each week at an animal shelter, where I am a "cat socializer" (!). That consists of petting the cats up for adoption and helping families looking to adopt sort out what would work for them. I also do some one-off events - helping staff a table at a charity event, etc. None of these things necessarily requires much in the way of making decisions, but do help me feel more involved in the world.
The problem with my chirpy bright recounting is that I have to get off my butt and do the things I know I should. It seems great when I think about doing it, but when it's time to actually get ready to leave the house I look for every excuse under the sun not to go...I'm tired, too much pressure, I want to be by myself. The excuses are just that, and I have to work at squashing those. After I've done something I realize that I feel better and have more direction and energy. Depression plays into the not-wanting-to-do-anything, too; sometimes I can talk myself into doing something because it's necessary to "treat" my condition, which lifts if/when I get out of my own way.
Alll the best, and lots of hugs.
Small steps helped me fill my life when I retired. I volunteered for a long while and did simple things - started making my bed, painted a room, put a shelf up for my literature, organized photos, etc. I made a list of 'want to do things - projects, pleasure, etc' and just started in. I never run out of things to do as I love to research and serve.
We talk often here about recovery being similar to 'growing up in public'. Many of us came from dysfunction so making decisions or self-care was not easy....baby steps helped me feel more confident in who I am and what I needed/wanted in my life
(((Hugs)))
Going to see a family of origin is pretty big stuff. I went seven years ago. I certainly will not be going again.
Being stuck is sometimes a sign of depression
Being around any alcoholic/addict is certainly an uphill task. Few people manage that kind of relationship well. They generally have a lot of casualties. However you survived those relationships you did it.
I cannot say I am too proud of some of my interactions. Recently I had to deal with an alcoholic/addict at work. But was all I could do not to blow up on him every day he was so provocative
I have learned to be compassionate and kind to myself. I deserve that kind of caring. So do you
Maresie45