I've come to understand that trying to force solutions is a big problem for me. My impatience and agitation and lack of trust in how things could unfold over time (and trust in a higher power). I am trying to keep this upmost in my mind, meditate on it, etc. I am trying to be more aware and catch myself every time. It's helped. But whenever I have a slip, my relationship takes so many steps back, and I feel so destroyed and disappointed and feel sure I have 'ruined' everything. And in fact the consequences are a tangible decrease in closeness with my partner that is very hard to bounce back from for both of us. That makes me want to force another solution to make up for my slip and to somehow 'get back to' before the slip. It is really painful and hard to keep things in perspective when this happens. Any ideas or thoughts or experience on the subject would be so helpful. (I go to in-person meetings, I just need a little more support if possible. Thank you.)
hotrod said
Jan 17, 2017
Good morning Pom no one is perfect nor do we implement all the tools of the program perfectly day in and day out. Al-Anon Steps recognize this simple fact and address this issue in the step 10.
It is suggested that we take personal inventory daily and when were wrong promptly admit it. It appears that you noticed that you practiced this one particular defect, and this has affected your relationship in a negative fashion. You can look for your part in the situation that prompted you to act in this manner, own this to your partner and make a firm decision to learn from the experience.
Practice makes perfect so keep on showing up and remember we look for progress not perfection. Program takes a great deal of time to incorporate into our daily thinking and actions. Having expectations of others and attempting to manipulate situations is so very self-defeating .
pom said
Jan 17, 2017
Thank you so much for your words. Very appreciated. Thank you for reminding me about Progress Not Perfection, especially as I slipped yet again today and tried to force a solution. I'm going to keep coming back. Thank you.
2HP said
Jan 17, 2017
You being able to see what you see in yourself is far from failure. In al-anon, it's success.
The steps are a perfect guide for me and each step is a spiritual entity all by itself. A sponsor is a great help.
I'm relating to "powerlessness" in your post... you seem powerless over your behavior, feelings, attitudes... using habitual, knee-jerk patterns that you've probably been practicing for a very long time and can't seem to stop. Try as I might, I couldn't stop doing what I had been conditioned to do either.
First things first, we admit we are powerless to STOP doing what we're doing. It's not working but I just couldn't stop... all my obsessing... all the fear and angry feelings, whatever... In step one, I try to see myself honestly, seeing that my life is unmanageable. I don't have to do anything more in step one, just see myself honestly.... like you are doing.
Then I know I need a solution and God is a really good one. My sponsor taught me to "get with God, get with God, get with God." It varies how I do that, sometimes if I have a lot of restless energy, I head to the park for a power walk. If I'm at work, I head to the restroom to get with God, even just for a little while to remember that God hasn't gone anywhere. Sometimes I get with God by reading our Al-anon literature or by going to a meeting... or I just get with God by getting "quiet and still" to meditate.... You get the idea.
The solution you may try to "force" next time is for YOU to get with God, substituting at once your fears for thoughts of God until you feel calm again... (calm behavior is TRUST in action.) when I get with God, I'm more quiet inside and I have much less to say and I don't get myself in trouble. We all have to learn to live with uncertainty about the future. This builds FAITH.
But these are just suggestions and ideas for how I make use of the steps, I make them relevant for me. I don't know where you are at in the steps or if you have a sponsor so that you can move into the "cleaning house" portion of the steps. I just thought a personal study of the first 3 steps might be a good substitution for whatever it is you are doing, summed up as LET GO AND LET GOD.
I also invite you to surrender to God the idea that you have "ruined everything" because.......we aren't that powerful, my friend (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 17th of January 2017 07:32:31 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 17th of January 2017 10:42:04 PM
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2017
(((Pom))) - it is in the trying times that I learn the most. Loving an alcoholic and trying to live with this disease around us in any form is a battle and we are warriors each time we wake up and lay our heads down. You got this - celebrate that which is working well instead of what is not.....this helped me so, so much - hotrod (Betty) always suggests gratitude lists and asset lists and they are so very helpful to me - more often than not, my life has way more good things going on than not!
Just keep working it and keep practicing and know you are not alone!
pom said
Jan 18, 2017
Thank you SO MUCH, HP2. I read every sentence slowly and took some long minutes to reflect on each one. I had actually started to wonder if what I was experiencing was the first step. In the past those words hadn't really hit me hard at all, and I didn't feel like I could take it in. I guess I'm thankful for all these recent crises, as things got so extreme that I had no choice but to put my hands up and say I am NOT in control and see clearly how powerless I am. And yes, the second and third step seem like they follow naturally and healing-ly. So may helpful ideas you shared. Very grateful for your time and thoughtful response.
pom said
Jan 18, 2017
And thank you so much Iamhere. The idea of focusing on what is going well really helps, because I am slowly approaching things differently and pausing more before speaking and finally 'getting' my powerlessness, which are all huge successes. Slipping up doesn't negate all that progress, even if I am moving forward slowly. Thanks very much for the reminder.
Faith40 said
Jan 18, 2017
Hi Pom , thanks for your honest post. I am also having huge issues with wanting to force solutions . I let go my xah a few years ago (I owe it to the program for my strength during that time ) but that doesn't stop me wanting to control everything else ! Realising I have a way to go in my recovery. There is one issue I'm really struggling with at the moment and the desire to fix it/meddle/put right .. Or for want of a better word control (lol) .. Is overwhelming. The only way I am managing to keep my hands off is to read as much alanon literature As I can and attend a face to face meeting. I am determind to pass this to my Hp as my experience shows me that when I try and force a solution it always blows up in my face, yet when I pass it over, the right outcome happens. (Even if it doesn't always feel like it at the time !)
Intellectually I get it .. But it's a serious struggle this week !
Just wanted you to know that by sharing this you have helped me with my problem. ive just gone for a nice walk, taking in the beauty of nature to calm my thoughts for half an hour. X
pom said
Jan 18, 2017
So glad to hear it helped in some way Faith40. I also dive strongly into Alanon literature and it really helps. Maybe I'll go on a (rainy) walk today too! (((Hugs)))
Neroli said
Jan 18, 2017
I really needed to hear the things in this thread today! I'm feeling so discouraged and negative and it has helped. Thanks for the sharing.
el-cee said
Jan 18, 2017
Thank you for sharing I can identify with all you say and each reply is so helpful.
I've come to understand that trying to force solutions is a big problem for me. My impatience and agitation and lack of trust in how things could unfold over time (and trust in a higher power). I am trying to keep this upmost in my mind, meditate on it, etc. I am trying to be more aware and catch myself every time. It's helped. But whenever I have a slip, my relationship takes so many steps back, and I feel so destroyed and disappointed and feel sure I have 'ruined' everything. And in fact the consequences are a tangible decrease in closeness with my partner that is very hard to bounce back from for both of us. That makes me want to force another solution to make up for my slip and to somehow 'get back to' before the slip. It is really painful and hard to keep things in perspective when this happens. Any ideas or thoughts or experience on the subject would be so helpful. (I go to in-person meetings, I just need a little more support if possible. Thank you.)
Good morning Pom no one is perfect nor do we implement all the tools of the program perfectly day in and day out. Al-Anon Steps recognize this simple fact and address this issue in the step 10.
It is suggested that we take personal inventory daily and when were wrong promptly admit it. It appears that you noticed that you practiced this one particular defect, and this has affected your relationship in a negative fashion. You can look for your part in the situation that prompted you to act in this manner, own this to your partner and make a firm decision to learn from the experience.
Practice makes perfect so keep on showing up and remember we look for progress not perfection. Program takes a great deal of time to incorporate into our daily thinking and actions. Having expectations of others and attempting to manipulate situations is so very self-defeating .
Thank you so much for your words. Very appreciated. Thank you for reminding me about Progress Not Perfection, especially as I slipped yet again today and tried to force a solution.
I'm going to keep coming back. Thank you.
You being able to see what you see in yourself is far from failure. In al-anon, it's success.
The steps are a perfect guide for me and each step is a spiritual entity all by itself. A sponsor is a great help.
I'm relating to "powerlessness" in your post... you seem powerless over your behavior, feelings, attitudes... using habitual, knee-jerk patterns that you've probably been practicing for a very long time and can't seem to stop. Try as I might, I couldn't stop doing what I had been conditioned to do either.
First things first, we admit we are powerless to STOP doing what we're doing. It's not working but I just couldn't stop... all my obsessing... all the fear and angry feelings, whatever... In step one, I try to see myself honestly, seeing that my life is unmanageable. I don't have to do anything more in step one, just see myself honestly.... like you are doing.
Then I know I need a solution and God is a really good one. My sponsor taught me to "get with God, get with God, get with God." It varies how I do that, sometimes if I have a lot of restless energy, I head to the park for a power walk. If I'm at work, I head to the restroom to get with God, even just for a little while to remember that God hasn't gone anywhere. Sometimes I get with God by reading our Al-anon literature or by going to a meeting... or I just get with God by getting "quiet and still" to meditate.... You get the idea.
The solution you may try to "force" next time is for YOU to get with God, substituting at once your fears for thoughts of God until you feel calm again... (calm behavior is TRUST in action.) when I get with God, I'm more quiet inside and I have much less to say and I don't get myself in trouble. We all have to learn to live with uncertainty about the future. This builds FAITH.
But these are just suggestions and ideas for how I make use of the steps, I make them relevant for me. I don't know where you are at in the steps or if you have a sponsor so that you can move into the "cleaning house" portion of the steps. I just thought a personal study of the first 3 steps might be a good substitution for whatever it is you are doing, summed up as LET GO AND LET GOD.
I also invite you to surrender to God the idea that you have "ruined everything" because.......we aren't that powerful, my friend (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 17th of January 2017 07:32:31 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 17th of January 2017 10:42:04 PM
Just keep working it and keep practicing and know you are not alone!
Thank you SO MUCH, HP2. I read every sentence slowly and took some long minutes to reflect on each one. I had actually started to wonder if what I was experiencing was the first step. In the past those words hadn't really hit me hard at all, and I didn't feel like I could take it in. I guess I'm thankful for all these recent crises, as things got so extreme that I had no choice but to put my hands up and say I am NOT in control and see clearly how powerless I am. And yes, the second and third step seem like they follow naturally and healing-ly. So may helpful ideas you shared. Very grateful for your time and thoughtful response.
And thank you so much Iamhere. The idea of focusing on what is going well really helps, because I am slowly approaching things differently and pausing more before speaking and finally 'getting' my powerlessness, which are all huge successes. Slipping up doesn't negate all that progress, even if I am moving forward slowly. Thanks very much for the reminder.
Intellectually I get it .. But it's a serious struggle this week !
Just wanted you to know that by sharing this you have helped me with my problem. ive just gone for a nice walk, taking in the beauty of nature to calm my thoughts for half an hour. X
So glad to hear it helped in some way Faith40. I also dive strongly into Alanon literature and it really helps. Maybe I'll go on a (rainy) walk today too!
(((Hugs)))
I really needed to hear the things in this thread today! I'm feeling so discouraged and negative and it has helped. Thanks for the sharing.
Thank you for sharing I can identify with all you say and each reply is so helpful.