What should I tell my kids when they ask why daddy drinks so much beer?
JustForMeNow said
Jan 16, 2017
I have no addiction in my family history so have been somewhat slow to realize that my husband is an alcoholic. Of course looking back over our 12 years together I can see so many red flags about his addiction problem. He is aware of it too, even attended AA in his 20's (40's now). He refuses to get any kind of help, saying he can stop. Of course he can't.
Our children 5 and 9 have asked me about his drinking. They have even asked him why he drinks so much, He gets kind of defensive and impatient totally avoiding the question. "Because I do." is as far as he gets.
How should I begin to approach this with my kids? I don't know that he is going to admit anything or get into a dialogue with the kids, I don't want to make a "secret" conversations with the kids, what do I tell him?
hotrod said
Jan 16, 2017
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, that is an excellent question and one I asked myself many years ago. I'm glad at that time that someone suggested that I search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend so that I could get an in-depth understanding of the disease of alcoholism and develop new tools to live by. The hotline number was in the white pages and face-to-face meetings held in my community.
Al-Anon has great deal of literature that reviews the disease . One is a pamphlet called:" What's Drunk Mommy" which addresses a child's concern over parents drinking. After I attended meetings for several months, I became comfortable with the idea that alcoholism is a disease over which I was powerless. That i did not causes it,that I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it and the reason that my husband drank was many. I told my son a different story-- that drinking was dangerous, addictive and could lead to death.
I suggest attending meetings, picking up a great deal of literature, educating yourself on the disease of alcoholism and then make your own decision as to what to tell the children. There are Alateen meetings that are held for children ages 12 and up. I believe that could be helpful when the children get a little older so for right now you can just simply say that there is a disease called alcoholism that is chronic and progressive and fatal and that may be why dad drinks so much beer.
Please keep coming back you are not alone
a4l said
Jan 16, 2017
Hard question. Best suggestion i can make is to dive into alanon. Me, i don't like to lie to my kids but when im angry or sad or off kilter my explanations can lack compassion
And sensitivity to the childs world view. Meetings always calm me down.
I try hard to shield them from seeing it and when anyone's under the influence i tell them to stay away from the person because the persons been drinking and drunk people aren't safe. Their minds don't work properly which is why they keep drinking and acting weird .That is probably crap parenting 101, i really don't know. We don't know any Normal drinkers, not sure if i even believe in normal drinkers. I also have in my mind that if alcoholism is genetic, my kids are at risk. So im trying to instil what I've learned and wish i knew which is that alcohol is a mind and mood altering drug, a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. My family definitely metabalise alcohol badly both on the white side and the island side. I guess it is a health issue for me that they're entitled to know about while trying not to ler them get emotionally messed up growing up with alcoholic parentage. Hard sometimes.
Keep coming back!
Jerry F said
Jan 16, 2017
Good caring responses Justformenow and the person who also should be in on the response doesn't like the question. It already bothers him if he has reactions so I wouldn't go there...to him for discussion with very young children. I'll bet he is already reacting to the situation every time he pops open a beer...guilt and anger and resentment have got to be at the top of his list especially if he has been reading your body language. Meetings? absolutely for you and if the meetings allow non-disruptive kids in the rooms take yours. One of my sponsees took his son and daughter for a long time and they sat at tables reading and coloring and listening to the goings on and it helped a lot. They have the power of awareness today even as their mother lives in insanity. They love her and understand completely. If you get them into the rooms the fellowship will be helping you out. Keep coming back here also this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
hiraeth said
Jan 17, 2017
Hi!
I'm in Alanon because I was in your kids' position.
I don't know what it's like to be in your position, it must be very hard.
Know that if your husband, their father, is an alcoholic, this will never be just one conversation. You will talk about it with your kids many more times over the years as the situation progresses.
Also know that all of you living together, is an ongoing conversation without words. Every moment you are telling your kids what is happening, what life is all about, what your husband's drinking means. Kids are soaking in our subtleties, body language, micro-facial expressions, the emotional tone of the house. Kids are incredibly, wonderfully perceptive and astute, even if they're not saying much about it. They are taking their cues from you, as to how to feel about their dad and how to respond, how to cope and what to do.
There are a lot of dynamics, predictable dynamics, which develop within alcoholic families. Children tend to take on roles - one might become the rescuer/controller, one might become the scapegoat, etc. There's a lot of literature about it, often designed to help heal the broken adults who grew up in alcoholic homes. You can definitely prevent this from breaking your kids. You just need the right knowledge. The dynamics only happen when the whole family goes insane from the disease, which always happens if the family members don't have the right knowledge.
My mother and father are both alcoholics, my mother began AA when I was about 7. From then on, when she was in a sober patch, she told me:
"I am allergic to alcohol, when I start I can't stop"
"It's never your fault that I drink"
"I don't know how to get better but I will keep trying"
However, she and the adults around me ACTED contrary to that. And the words meant very little. It was what actually happened that informed me as a child. Words are very empty.
So, I echo the others. Seriously, go to Alanon. Let it soak through you and transform you. It will empower you and bring you peace, and you will model and communicate that to your kids. Then, I promise you, you will be in the best possible position to guide yourself and your kids through this, now and in the longterm.
There's also Alateen literature which may give you insight into what they might need.
But I guess what you would be saying to them in the meantime, in an age-appropriate way with words that suit their personalities, is that some people can drink alcohol and just have a few drinks and a good time and leave it at that, and some people have a disease which makes them feel like they have to keep drinking and drinking and drinking all the time. Daddy has that disease and that's why he drinks so much beer, and he feels grumpy when we ask him about it because he feels confused/ashamed/scared about it. Nobody really knows why some people have that disease and some don't. Daddy and I both love you very much. Then reassure them with whatever your plan is moving ahead.
I don't think there is any way to describe alcoholism to your children in front of your husband, without eliciting a defensive or angry response from him. That would only happen in unicorn world. If you were going to have a discussion about alcoholism in front of him, he'd want you to deny it.
Jerry F said
Jan 17, 2017
Hiraeth that is so understanding and compassionate and I find myself wanting to ask if you would consider sending it into the forum....no guarantee that Al-Anon would print it however I can tell you it affected me. I have worked with the children of alcoholics and addicts and resonate with your share here. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
shrnp said
Jan 21, 2017
I think it would be great to have a parent that is a part of the Alanon program. I grew up in an alcoholic family, my father drank. We were brought up to not question his drinking, as if it was normal. As it progressed our lives had unmanageable moments, and that was treated as normal too. I can imagine that if my mother had gone to Alanon she would have learned to detach herself from the alcoholism. Which would have allowed her to be a better self, and a better parent. I was lucky that I did meet my ex-bf until after my son was an adult. There were still problems and I had to work very hard to have peace in my home and be my best self.
I have no addiction in my family history so have been somewhat slow to realize that my husband is an alcoholic. Of course looking back over our 12 years together I can see so many red flags about his addiction problem. He is aware of it too, even attended AA in his 20's (40's now). He refuses to get any kind of help, saying he can stop. Of course he can't.
Our children 5 and 9 have asked me about his drinking. They have even asked him why he drinks so much, He gets kind of defensive and impatient totally avoiding the question. "Because I do." is as far as he gets.
How should I begin to approach this with my kids? I don't know that he is going to admit anything or get into a dialogue with the kids, I don't want to make a "secret" conversations with the kids, what do I tell him?
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, that is an excellent question and one I asked myself many years ago. I'm glad at that time that someone suggested that I search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend so that I could get an in-depth understanding of the disease of alcoholism and develop new tools to live by. The hotline number was in the white pages and face-to-face meetings held in my community.
Al-Anon has great deal of literature that reviews the disease . One is a pamphlet called:" What's Drunk Mommy" which addresses a child's concern over parents drinking. After I attended meetings for several months, I became comfortable with the idea that alcoholism is a disease over which I was powerless. That i did not causes it,that I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it and the reason that my husband drank was many. I told my son a different story-- that drinking was dangerous, addictive and could lead to death.
I suggest attending meetings, picking up a great deal of literature, educating yourself on the disease of alcoholism and then make your own decision as to what to tell the children. There are Alateen meetings that are held for children ages 12 and up. I believe that could be helpful when the children get a little older so for right now you can just simply say that there is a disease called alcoholism that is chronic and progressive and fatal and that may be why dad drinks so much beer.
Please keep coming back you are not alone
And sensitivity to the childs world view. Meetings always calm me down.
I try hard to shield them from seeing it and when anyone's under the influence i tell them to stay away from the person because the persons been drinking and drunk people aren't safe. Their minds don't work properly which is why they keep drinking and acting weird .That is probably crap parenting 101, i really don't know. We don't know any Normal drinkers, not sure if i even believe in normal drinkers. I also have in my mind that if alcoholism is genetic, my kids are at risk. So im trying to instil what I've learned and wish i knew which is that alcohol is a mind and mood altering drug, a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. My family definitely metabalise alcohol badly both on the white side and the island side. I guess it is a health issue for me that they're entitled to know about while trying not to ler them get emotionally messed up growing up with alcoholic parentage. Hard sometimes.
Keep coming back!
Good caring responses Justformenow and the person who also should be in on the response doesn't like the question. It already bothers him if he has reactions so I wouldn't go there...to him for discussion with very young children. I'll bet he is already reacting to the situation every time he pops open a beer...guilt and anger and resentment have got to be at the top of his list especially if he has been reading your body language. Meetings? absolutely for you and if the meetings allow non-disruptive kids in the rooms take yours. One of my sponsees took his son and daughter for a long time and they sat at tables reading and coloring and listening to the goings on and it helped a lot. They have the power of awareness today even as their mother lives in insanity. They love her and understand completely. If you get them into the rooms the fellowship will be helping you out. Keep coming back here also this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
I'm in Alanon because I was in your kids' position.
I don't know what it's like to be in your position, it must be very hard.
Know that if your husband, their father, is an alcoholic, this will never be just one conversation. You will talk about it with your kids many more times over the years as the situation progresses.
Also know that all of you living together, is an ongoing conversation without words. Every moment you are telling your kids what is happening, what life is all about, what your husband's drinking means. Kids are soaking in our subtleties, body language, micro-facial expressions, the emotional tone of the house. Kids are incredibly, wonderfully perceptive and astute, even if they're not saying much about it. They are taking their cues from you, as to how to feel about their dad and how to respond, how to cope and what to do.
There are a lot of dynamics, predictable dynamics, which develop within alcoholic families. Children tend to take on roles - one might become the rescuer/controller, one might become the scapegoat, etc. There's a lot of literature about it, often designed to help heal the broken adults who grew up in alcoholic homes. You can definitely prevent this from breaking your kids. You just need the right knowledge. The dynamics only happen when the whole family goes insane from the disease, which always happens if the family members don't have the right knowledge.
My mother and father are both alcoholics, my mother began AA when I was about 7. From then on, when she was in a sober patch, she told me:
"I am allergic to alcohol, when I start I can't stop"
"It's never your fault that I drink"
"I don't know how to get better but I will keep trying"
However, she and the adults around me ACTED contrary to that. And the words meant very little. It was what actually happened that informed me as a child. Words are very empty.
So, I echo the others. Seriously, go to Alanon. Let it soak through you and transform you. It will empower you and bring you peace, and you will model and communicate that to your kids. Then, I promise you, you will be in the best possible position to guide yourself and your kids through this, now and in the longterm.
There's also Alateen literature which may give you insight into what they might need.
But I guess what you would be saying to them in the meantime, in an age-appropriate way with words that suit their personalities, is that some people can drink alcohol and just have a few drinks and a good time and leave it at that, and some people have a disease which makes them feel like they have to keep drinking and drinking and drinking all the time. Daddy has that disease and that's why he drinks so much beer, and he feels grumpy when we ask him about it because he feels confused/ashamed/scared about it. Nobody really knows why some people have that disease and some don't. Daddy and I both love you very much. Then reassure them with whatever your plan is moving ahead.
I don't think there is any way to describe alcoholism to your children in front of your husband, without eliciting a defensive or angry response from him. That would only happen in unicorn world. If you were going to have a discussion about alcoholism in front of him, he'd want you to deny it.
Hiraeth that is so understanding and compassionate and I find myself wanting to ask if you would consider sending it into the forum....no guarantee that Al-Anon would print it however I can tell you it affected me. I have worked with the children of alcoholics and addicts and resonate with your share here. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))