Irritable - want relationship, sex - don't feel ready - not sure how to get ready
MomInMo said
Jan 14, 2017
I can't stand celebacy. I just can't stand it. Not a sex addict, just a damn need. Well, I'm too old for one night stands. I want a relationship.
After being in a nearly celebrate marriage to a man with different addiction issues for over a decade I got divorced. Started dating.
Turns out he's a recovering alcoholic just a bit a year over not drinking. I get super clingy because I'm so damn excited to be having sex again. He withdraws from the intensity of my emotions. We end up deciding to just be friends. Ug.
So, I found a book on Co dependancy. Found out my problem. I've been going to Al-anon everyday for a couple of weeks. Haven't gone for two days due to weather. Have asked a couple of people to be my sponsor, but I guess our group has a ton of need and only a couple of people willing, so they're all overloaded.
I'm desperate to get my s**t straight so I can have a relationship and regular sex. But I feel stuck on what to do to move forward. I feel like staying friends with the guy I feel deep infatuation for is holding me back - I keep thinking maybe he'll come around and we'll start saying again. Ug. I go back on match, but I'm terrified of trying a relationship with someone new because of the state I'm in.
I'm really pissed off about my situation. I'm irritable.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 14th of January 2017 11:42:29 PM
MomInMo said
Jan 14, 2017
What's the fastest way to get my s**t straight? I can't stand celebacy. And yes, I do like to be in a relationship. It's nice to share your life with someone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 14th of January 2017 11:43:00 PM
MissM said
Jan 15, 2017
I don't know that trying to do anything 'the fast way" is going to mesh well with al-anon kind of thinking, because as I understand it, it's a lifelong journey that you never really finish. For me, I discovered that I enjoyed the journey and had no real need to 'arrive" anywhere in particular.
As I change what i want and need changes too and the kinds of intimacy that were acceptable or desirable to me a few years ago now just kind of make my blood go cold. Any intimate relationship that leaves me feeling clingy or undesirable is wrong for me and no worth settling for.
I sure understand the lonely; I also unfortunately know (as much as I don't want to) that being OK on my own is the only way I'm going to get to a place where I'm ready for anything else. As far as I am concerned, this is the really difficult bit.
So hugs. Right there with you.
tiredtonite said
Jan 15, 2017
We can feel very lonely when we first get here but getting more involved by going to Alanon meetings and working the program with a sponsor can help. It relieves some of the loneliness. Not all of it, but some. I agree with you that having someone in your life and intimacy is a wonderful thing. All good things take time. I hope you'll keep coming back to share and recover with us one day at a time. ((hugs))) TT
Jerry F said
Jan 15, 2017
Intimacy itself for me was like drinking, working up to the drunk and then after the drunk the dull feelings and then coming to the awareness of who I was drinking with. I had more intimate relationships than I care to think about or count and am now married without intimacy. I would like to have it on any level however if my partner isn't able what then? Intimacy for me is about sharing ourselves at all times regardless and then there are so many times not. I just keep letting go and letting God. Best intimacy is with God anyway. That might not sounds as warm and fuzzy as you want it and the benefits are greater. ((((hugs))))
andromeda said
Jan 15, 2017
I remember that feeling, the euphoria of sexual appetite coming back after I left my celibate marriage. I had a lot of program behind me and a lot of counseling as well, before I jumped into a relationship after I ended my marriage, but I did have a few friends with benefits situations going on in the middle of all that transition. Actually, I was very attracted to a man, who honestly, was even worse off than me because he was still getting over his ex gf. He came right out and told me he wanted to be friends because we had chemistry but that he wasn't emotionally available. I just wanted sex, honestly, and I wanted to be wanted......so, it was an easy solution for US. It may not be a solution for anybody else and we were totally honest. He was super needy though, so I continued to date other men and then I found the man I'm with today.
It is not easy. Relationships aren't easy. But, there is nothing wrong with learning more about yourself and what you want just by being honest with the men you meet. Tell them you are working through some things and that you'd like some companionship and maybe a physical relationship if the chemistry is there. I think honesty with yourself is key here.
Go to meeting, read the codependent books and anything on recovery related to this that you find helpful. I knew early on that I would have to back off on my neediness. And, i still struggle with what I need and expect from a partner vs what they are capable or willing to give. But, I was far enough along in my program that I was able to reflect these things back to myself and to not project my neediness to my dates or partners. I knew I had to continually ask myself what was I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to manipulate an outcome? Can this person actually meet this need if I express it towards them?
I know this is hard but it's part of your journey. You will not be sexless forever. You are just in transition. Sounds like you are starting to figure things out. HUGS!
MomInMo said
Jan 15, 2017
Lol, yes. This first post-marriage relationship is the one where I discovered I have Co dependency issues in the first place. Sigh. It didn't seem a way to fix it. And really, I think that's probably a good thing. There's a lot right about is tight and done not. I think I would be happy with a friends with benefits situation, but those many times end up confusing for one or the other person. Someone falls in love with the other, or they leave when they fall in love with a third party. Plus, I wonder about using up my energy in a casual relationship, then missing out on a good possible relationship out there. Sigh. This part does suck.
el-cee said
Jan 16, 2017
I totally get how you feel. My marriage also became sexless and more importantly lacking intimacy in the later years. I left him about 8 or 9 yrs ago and was on my own working alanon for the last 5 yrs almost. I needed to take the time to work on me, learn about me, discard a lot of old faulty belief systems during this time a relationship and sex just didn't come into my thinking and then it did and I felt like you. It was as if I had awoken to different parts of myself and this part was pretty intense. I am now in a relationship and its the relationship of my dreams to be honest just like alanon tells us we end up with a life beyond our wildest dreams and its true. Having sex in my life again after all this time got me excited and obsessive and I had strong cravings like I was becoming addictive. In getting to know myself I learned I have always been obsessive compulsive about things, people, places my whole life and sex during this time became my focus but I had to use my program tools with it. I am calmer now thank goodness, it was pretty intense and hard to focus on anything else but it passed with the help of alanon.
YARNCRAZY said
Jan 17, 2017
my guy took it slow with me,developed a friendship. he hadnt had a relationship for about 2 yrs and that had been with a married lady. i came from a sexless marriage in which i believed between my hystrodectomy and total turnoff of now XAH that i no intimate feelings left. I have to reprt with my guy ive been with1yr/1/2 that ive had the best intimate relationship with full blown feelings ive ever had.sooooo it was just my X i couldnt stomach............
IAmStrong said
Jan 18, 2017
A's are unable to keep maintaining a sexual relationship. Why? The A they consume destroys their circulatory system, which in turn destroys their ability to perform. Often they will Blame the alanoner for this. A good FYI I learned when my ex A was in treatment and I went to after care. What a Relief it was to learn that! In Brazil, while traveling, they have posters hanging in stores informing young men of this fact, it is to the point. Good for them and their education of what they will give up and destroy when choosing to either smoke or drink alcohol.
MomInMo said
Jan 21, 2017
Wow, hadn't realized that!
Jayla said
Jan 21, 2017
Thanks for pointing that out IAmStrong! I was not aware of that and it is good to know.
Maresie25 said
Jan 24, 2017
Need is a big red flag for me. I don't know that too many people can do friends with benefits. Really I have always wanted a relationship to bury my needs in.
Have you got other goals in your life. How about make new friends. Right now I am focused on making new friends.
Making new friends is also work. Sustaining current friendships is work. There are lots of options around loneliness. Getting busy is one of them
Maresie45
MomInMo said
Jan 24, 2017
Yes, it's not so much being lonely, as I've gotten better with that since I first wrote this. But sex, sex and sex. Making friends doesn't get you sex, normally. I know some people are comfortable with celebacy. It causes me aggrivation.
Maresie25 said
Jan 24, 2017
When I moved into My current apartment I really wanted to hook up. I am so grateful I didn't. I have had a difficult transition. Being in any kind of a,relationship would make it really difficult. There are all kinds of loneliness. For me being in an unfulfillingvrelationship is overwhelmingly triggering
I can't stand celebacy. I just can't stand it. Not a sex addict, just a damn need. Well, I'm too old for one night stands. I want a relationship.
After being in a nearly celebrate marriage to a man with different addiction issues for over a decade I got divorced. Started dating.
Turns out he's a recovering alcoholic just a bit a year over not drinking. I get super clingy because I'm so damn excited to be having sex again. He withdraws from the intensity of my emotions. We end up deciding to just be friends. Ug.
So, I found a book on Co dependancy. Found out my problem. I've been going to Al-anon everyday for a couple of weeks. Haven't gone for two days due to weather. Have asked a couple of people to be my sponsor, but I guess our group has a ton of need and only a couple of people willing, so they're all overloaded.
I'm desperate to get my s**t straight so I can have a relationship and regular sex. But I feel stuck on what to do to move forward. I feel like staying friends with the guy I feel deep infatuation for is holding me back - I keep thinking maybe he'll come around and we'll start saying again. Ug. I go back on match, but I'm terrified of trying a relationship with someone new because of the state I'm in.
I'm really pissed off about my situation. I'm irritable.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 14th of January 2017 11:42:29 PM
What's the fastest way to get my s**t straight? I can't stand celebacy. And yes, I do like to be in a relationship. It's nice to share your life with someone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 14th of January 2017 11:43:00 PM
As I change what i want and need changes too and the kinds of intimacy that were acceptable or desirable to me a few years ago now just kind of make my blood go cold. Any intimate relationship that leaves me feeling clingy or undesirable is wrong for me and no worth settling for.
I sure understand the lonely; I also unfortunately know (as much as I don't want to) that being OK on my own is the only way I'm going to get to a place where I'm ready for anything else. As far as I am concerned, this is the really difficult bit.
So hugs. Right there with you.
We can feel very lonely when we first get here but getting more involved by going to Alanon meetings and working the program with a sponsor can help. It relieves some of the loneliness. Not all of it, but some. I agree with you that having someone in your life and intimacy is a wonderful thing. All good things take time. I hope you'll keep coming back to share and recover with us one day at a time. ((hugs))) TT
Intimacy itself for me was like drinking, working up to the drunk and then after the drunk the dull feelings and then coming to the awareness of who I was drinking with. I had more intimate relationships than I care to think about or count and am now married without intimacy. I would like to have it on any level however if my partner isn't able what then? Intimacy for me is about sharing ourselves at all times regardless and then there are so many times not. I just keep letting go and letting God. Best intimacy is with God anyway. That might not sounds as warm and fuzzy as you want it and the benefits are greater. ((((hugs))))
It is not easy. Relationships aren't easy. But, there is nothing wrong with learning more about yourself and what you want just by being honest with the men you meet. Tell them you are working through some things and that you'd like some companionship and maybe a physical relationship if the chemistry is there. I think honesty with yourself is key here.
Go to meeting, read the codependent books and anything on recovery related to this that you find helpful. I knew early on that I would have to back off on my neediness. And, i still struggle with what I need and expect from a partner vs what they are capable or willing to give. But, I was far enough along in my program that I was able to reflect these things back to myself and to not project my neediness to my dates or partners. I knew I had to continually ask myself what was I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to manipulate an outcome? Can this person actually meet this need if I express it towards them?
I know this is hard but it's part of your journey. You will not be sexless forever. You are just in transition. Sounds like you are starting to figure things out. HUGS!
I totally get how you feel. My marriage also became sexless and more importantly lacking intimacy in the later years. I left him about 8 or 9 yrs ago and was on my own working alanon for the last 5 yrs almost. I needed to take the time to work on me, learn about me, discard a lot of old faulty belief systems during this time a relationship and sex just didn't come into my thinking and then it did and I felt like you. It was as if I had awoken to different parts of myself and this part was pretty intense. I am now in a relationship and its the relationship of my dreams to be honest just like alanon tells us we end up with a life beyond our wildest dreams and its true. Having sex in my life again after all this time got me excited and obsessive and I had strong cravings like I was becoming addictive. In getting to know myself I learned I have always been obsessive compulsive about things, people, places my whole life and sex during this time became my focus but I had to use my program tools with it. I am calmer now thank goodness, it was pretty intense and hard to focus on anything else but it passed with the help of alanon.
Need is a big red flag for me. I don't know that too many people can do friends with benefits. Really I have always wanted a relationship to bury my needs in.
Have you got other goals in your life. How about make new friends. Right now I am focused on making new friends.
Making new friends is also work. Sustaining current friendships is work. There are lots of options around loneliness. Getting busy is one of them
Maresie45
When I moved into My current apartment I really wanted to hook up. I am so grateful I didn't. I have had a difficult transition. Being in any kind of a,relationship would make it really difficult. There are all kinds of loneliness. For me being in an unfulfillingvrelationship is overwhelmingly triggering
Maresie45