Hi all Ive come back after a little break to address some issues with my health and past issues. I wanted to make sure my "ammunition" was empty after growing up with an alcoholic and being married to an alcoholic and drug user fr 15 years because that is my RAH defense is that I blame him for my fathers and my exAH alcoholic behaviors. I was diagnosed with early breast cancer 2 days before Christmas. It is treatable and I will be ok. I have been going to a therapist though to deal with my father and my ex and I pretty much had to let all that go, my father has been dead for over 30 years, I cannot make him accountable for his behaviors so I had to dismantle every bazooka and grenade related to his lies, disappearances, and just general bad behavior. My ex well he is still active and behaves like an active alcoholic so therefore, I had to just let go and let God with him. My children are old enough to make their own decisions and well they pretty much stopped drinking the kool aid he was serving.
So now the only "ammunition" I have is what my current RAH has placed in my holster. I remember everything that he has forgotten. He celebrated 90 days of sobriety on Christmas Day. But the behaviors are still there. Since his motorcycle accident in the parking lot of the strip club breaking his leg, following him losing his job, I have been holding down the house. We are getting further and further behind. I refuse to pay the payments on the motorcycle and its about to be repossessed. He decided to buy a new truck when I purchased myself a new/used vehicle and took money off his credit card to buy accessories for said truck telling me the money was for a Christmas present for me. Christmas time came and he didn't have a present for me so he borrowed money from a fellow AA member and then had to pay him back the week of Christmas. When I am trying to pay bills and Christmas shop. Further, he took the money out of the ATM on a day when he went to an AA-a-thon (24 hours of AA meetings at that location), two phone calls to a woman named Ashley, when he came home he face planted on the living room floor smelled of alcohol but "his knee gave out"--whatever---but the atm withdrawal comes with fees. Not just one but two. Double fees.
I also been working really hard on me, borrowing forgiveness and trust from my HP, and really trying to be supportive but on my own side of the street. One day I had an epiphany, why is it just me working on forgiveness and trust? Wouldn't a person who wanted to be trusted behave in such a way? Being transparent, truthful and on time, where he said he was going to be? So on the day above I presented that to my RAH and said I don't trust you and you continue to exhibit behaviors so ......wth? We had a couples counseling session and the counselor pretty much told him the same thing.....Im working on myself trying to not be bitter or resentful so that hopefully on the other side of this I will have remained soft and we could move on, what is he doing? His IOP counselor told him the same thing....your wife cannot make herself vulnerable enough to be intimate with you if you are still acting like an alcoholic. So here comes the blinger, we were heading out the door to go to the Dr. and he had to go run a quick errand and he left his phone, I sat there looking at it for a few minutes, and my HP said to me, "You will have your proof" so I picked it up, and there they were nasty pictures and sexual texts to another woman from two weeks ago. She had just texted him because he hadn't been in contact for a couple weeks. Really? So when he came back in the room I was holding the phone stunned and he made all kinds of excuses one being because I refuse to be intimate with him. Then he said that it was a woman he met from AA and they had coffee together so that he could get a woman's perspective on how to get my trust back. She developed an interest so he stopped. YEAH OK I read those texts, he wasn't disinterested trust me. So .....she gave him the same advice apparently..transparency truthfulness etc.
So, now he is upset because my boundary has been crossed again and Im pretty much done. He says he's working on new behaviors. His IOP counselor says that he is in the reality phase of his sobriety and he is having a hard time facing reality, ie his drinking caused all this, he has no relationship with his family because of his behaviors. He has to be held accountable so, Last night I made him call the car insurance carrier to make arrangements for payments as well as deal with the motorcycle lender.
So my thoughts and questions I am mulling are: Does this every end? If it doesn't why would I want to stay with a person who cannot respect me or my boundaries? Is there like a phase the sober alcoholic goes through like their Alanon counterpart, like an epiphany happens that they realize the term King Baby really does apply? Do they ever stop looking at themselves as unique so therefore the rules don't apply? What if he is just an a$$hole? Can I accept that? Can I really be happy living separate lives but together? Aside from recovering from the overwhelming anxiety, resentfulness and bitterness, why keep borrowing forgiveness and trust from my HP when its just going to wasted anyway? Is there any point that we in Alanon can sit back and go...Shew I made it to the Promised Land? I am even questioning what my expectations of the Promised Land are......
2HP said
Jan 14, 2017
"Is there any point that we in Alanon can sit back and go...Shew I made it to the Promised Land? I am even questioning what my expectations of the Promised Land are...... "
My experience regarding this question............... yes.
I got through by working very diligently at "cleaning house"... shining a flashlight on my old ideas and the old beliefs in my brain. My husband was the instrument God used to get me to pay attention... to pull me closer to solutions that work for me. I didn't need my alcoholic husband to wake up and care more about me, I needed to.
I am powerless over the past, conditioned in alcoholic insanity in my childhood home. Al-anon told me that as an adult, I am responsible for me... I am responsible for the environment I place myself in.... and I am growing today in a much safer environment. I have surrendered my old belief that I was put on this earth to suffer. I had to forgive myself for holding that belief.
I am so sorry to read about your illness, thank you for the update so that I can hold you up in prayer. Please keep coming back, and please take care of (((you)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 15th of January 2017 12:47:17 AM
Iamhere said
Jan 14, 2017
Fooled - speaking first from the AA side, yes - there is a 'turning point' when/if one is working the program AND is rigorously honest. For some, it's sooner and for others, it's later. It's a progressive disease and for those who work on recovery, it's very, very complicated. First - figuring out how to not drink. Then - all the firsts - work, party, holiday, death, car crash, etc. without substances. No different than Al-Anon - it's a process.
I'm not certain there are 'phases' that apply across the board. I've never heard that but we have NEVER found a counselor that could HELP our situation. That's in part because most did not want to be there - I suspect we were fodder for the watercooler each time we showed up.
All those questions you ask yourself are part of your journey and your recovery. I say it often - there is no shame in loving an alcoholic. I also believe there is no shame in staying or leaving. The best gift the program gives us is our power restored with alignment with God. There are no wrong/right answers - it's your path, and your life.
I'm big on forgiveness as it cleanses me of negative energy keeping me from the sunlight of the spirit. It has nothing to do with the other person any more - it's for me. Part of my journey has been to stop working harder for 'our' future than everyone else. I am pleasant, kind, and joyful but I no longer look for cures, recovery or healing beyond me. My AH and I come together when it happens - I don't force it, ask for it or feel sad for what's not. I am grateful instead for what is and trust my HP to take me where he wants me to go.
So - good on you for all your hard work. Good on you for speaking your truth. So glad that you're healing from your diagnosis and love seeing your program in process. I'm always reminded that more will be revealed when there is a 'discovery' that is unexpected. I'd love to have a crystal ball so I can anticipate and plan my response to what's coming next, but I don't have one...
(((Hugs)))
Fooled said
Jan 15, 2017
My experience regarding this question............... yes.
Thank you 2HP that gives me hope. I do joke with my RAH that I cannot and will not wander 40 years like Moses. However, tomorrow will mark one year and 3 months this nightmare of "hitting rock bottom" and the climb to recovery actually started. It feels like 40 years. I have aged so much. I have changed so much. I don't have the endurance I used to. When my son with cerebral palsy was born I received a gift from a co worker of a framed poem/inspiration called Welcome to Holland. It is a lovely piece of literature dealing with the expectations and disappointments of birthing a child with special needs, by comparing the months leading up to the birth as planning a trip to Italy and somehow the plane landed in Holland. It encourages us parents of special needs children that although Holland isn't what we expected, and it is not Italy but beautiful in its own way. To enjoy Holland for all that it has to offer and Italy will happen one day. I have enjoyed Holland, I am grateful for all the Holland has given me. Holland has also given me a lot of pain and agony, but I have picked all the tulips and seen all the windmills, so I would really like to try Italy.
I too believe that God put my husband in my life to teach me what I didn't learn before, I let people treat me this way. I expect it and therefore it is. This little left hook has taught me that.
I'm not certain there are 'phases' that apply across the board. I've never heard that but we have NEVER found a counselor that could HELP our situation. That's in part because most did not want to be there - I suspect we were fodder for the watercooler each time we showed up.
I was confused too about the phases Iamhere. However, I guess I should clarify that the iop counselor had the white board titled Phases of Emotional Recovery. My RAH has moved out of the honeymoon phase and into a reality phase that happens at 90 days per his source. At the 120 day mark supposedly he moves into a decisive phase where he decides what he has to fix and at 9 months to a year he works on those things in himself that caused him to drink in the first place. The problem is I only know the steps, this doesn't coincide with the steps. Isnt the steps emotional recovery in a spiritual way? I cant say the couples counseling was totally ineffective as my husband was able to recognize the progress I have made but obviously he didn't follow her advice. I also agree with forgiveness and it has been hard for me, but I do forgive my father. It has been a huge weight. I never really knew how resentful and ashamed of him I was. My shortcoming is I am now wired a certain way, whenever I get a 6th sense that something isn't right, I am like a crack addict looking for a fix. It is fear and anxiety and I will chase that fix until I find it. It is like an addiction.
speaking first from the AA side, yes - there is a 'turning point' when/if one is working the program AND is rigorously honest. For some, it's sooner and for others, it's later. It's a progressive disease and for those who work on recovery, it's very, very complicated. First - figuring out how to not drink. Then - all the firsts - work, party, holiday, death, car crash, etc. without substances. No different than Al-Anon - it's a process.
Thank you for this too Iamhere, it gives me hope.
My AH and I come together when it happens - I don't force it, ask for it or feel sad for what's not. I am grateful instead for what is and trust my HP to take me where he wants me to go.
I am not sure why it is not happening, why I feel that I cant be intimate, if I am really honest with myself I think it is about control. I cant control anything else so I can control that. Further, if I examine my motives, I want him to hurt as badly as I do.
So, I guess I cant really criticize his slow process when I have miles to go as well. I guess I need to go back to Step 4 and do a little more work. The trouble is my sponsor moved away and in the winter months there is only one Alanon face to face meeting that is not conducive to my schedule.
Thanks again for your wisdom. I really appreciate it.
milkwood said
Jan 16, 2017
Hi Fooled ((((((hugs)))))))
That is quite a month that you've had - a lot of changes going on and I'm not surprised that your energy is feeling low.
I love, love, love your description of Holland and how you have found beauty there. And I'm smiling at the idea of a plane taking off for one destination and then arriving somewhere else - what a way to stay in the moment that would be!!!
I struggle to be close with my husband and I think that I am someone who needs to feel a connection and attraction to someone before I want to sleep with them. If anyone else treated me the way that my husband treated me I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want to be intimate with them - and I consider that fairly healthy. I have had to sit myself down and think about what, if anything, would make me want to rebuild that trust that has been broken. For me, some of that rebuilding has to come from RAH's side, when he is ready - that is what makes a two way relationship for me. So what to do in the meantime? And how long do I want to wait? And do I want to put my life on hold in the meantime? I don't have to struggle to answer those questions, the answers for me come best when I am feeling safe, relaxed, and in the process of restoring my self esteem. Which takes me back to Holland!!! Picking tulips, enjoying life, recharging, resting, doing what I need to do for my own growth and wellbeing - those are my choices for now!
Iamhere said
Jan 16, 2017
(((Fooled))) - for me, intimacy is special and a gift I give to show my love and trust in another person. It's much more than a physical act and I was never a good candidate for 'friends with benefits' as my heart is directly attached to the act of love-making. I have no doubt that my values about 'this topic' are directly related to FOO and upbringing, but I'm OK with how I see it and feel about it.
This for me is exactly why intimacy is difficult with my AH. I am willing to allow others 2nd, 3rd, etc. chances in all areas of my life, however - 'this area' is pure, protected and sacred to me. In my self-care, who I give myself to, when and how is my choice and we all need to do what makes sense for our self-worth and self-esteem.
I came to recovery hurt, broken, anxious, stressed and angry! My anger turned to sadness and while I am healing, I am not perfectly healed. With my HP, I'm working on trust often/always and feel I can't hurry that process - or I set myself up for repeating unhealthy patterns. I feel that all things resolve as they should in God's time, not mine.
Take care of you, be gentle with you and trust the process as best you can. This philosophy has kept me reasonably sane and forward thinking most of my recovery journey. (((Hugs)))
Fooled said
Jan 16, 2017
Ladies thank you so much, YOUR responses align exactly with what I am feeling. In my early days of being single after I split with my ExAH I admit that I engaged in some friends with benefits situations. I also knew that I was not healthy enough for a relationship. It was purely to regain some self esteem. In my early years of college and drunken debauchery 20's hook ups and such were just part of the game. I'll admit my body count was high but that is all in the past. I can no longer regret that because I am not the same person. I too feel that this area is now pure and my heart is attached to that person I am "with" I do love my husband, but I cant love him in that way knowing I do not trust him. Trust and Safety are a HUGE ATTRACTION for me. I do not feel that with my husband.
Recently, prior to the above events, I turned these issues with my husband back over to my HP. I have a journal that I write letters to my HP in and I physically wrote that I am turning these issues back over to him. I know that God is working on his plan for me otherwise I would not have picked up that phone. Also, just last night, my daughter was looking for her back pack as she has a project due tomorrow and since she is off for the holiday today she wanted to work on it, she couldn't find it anywhere in the house, so she went out and searched every vehicle, hers, mine, her boyfriends, and my husbands. In the center console of my husbands truck was a 6 pack of beer. With one gone. She being only 17 brought in the house crying and confronted him with it. My husband said that he found the six pack in the parking lot of the place he went to his NA meeting yesterday. (He switches up NA and AA) He couldn't give a real reason why he put it in the center console hidden other than conditioned response. He swore he didn't drink any. But he was worried he would not be able to resist the temptation knowing it was there. He then became defensive and felt his privacy was violated. The old me would have spun up, cried, etc. Instead I looked at him and said your sobriety is none of my business. However, that was a divine intervention and I am grateful sorry. Either way, if he is not sober God is revealing that to me to protect me and if my husband is sober and was worried about being able to resist the temptation, God intervened.
Milkwood Welcome to Holland is beautiful and although it is written for parents of special needs children, it is very inspiring in dealing with the disappointments of life.
Hi all Ive come back after a little break to address some issues with my health and past issues. I wanted to make sure my "ammunition" was empty after growing up with an alcoholic and being married to an alcoholic and drug user fr 15 years because that is my RAH defense is that I blame him for my fathers and my exAH alcoholic behaviors. I was diagnosed with early breast cancer 2 days before Christmas. It is treatable and I will be ok. I have been going to a therapist though to deal with my father and my ex and I pretty much had to let all that go, my father has been dead for over 30 years, I cannot make him accountable for his behaviors so I had to dismantle every bazooka and grenade related to his lies, disappearances, and just general bad behavior. My ex well he is still active and behaves like an active alcoholic so therefore, I had to just let go and let God with him. My children are old enough to make their own decisions and well they pretty much stopped drinking the kool aid he was serving.
So now the only "ammunition" I have is what my current RAH has placed in my holster. I remember everything that he has forgotten. He celebrated 90 days of sobriety on Christmas Day. But the behaviors are still there. Since his motorcycle accident in the parking lot of the strip club breaking his leg, following him losing his job, I have been holding down the house. We are getting further and further behind. I refuse to pay the payments on the motorcycle and its about to be repossessed. He decided to buy a new truck when I purchased myself a new/used vehicle and took money off his credit card to buy accessories for said truck telling me the money was for a Christmas present for me. Christmas time came and he didn't have a present for me so he borrowed money from a fellow AA member and then had to pay him back the week of Christmas. When I am trying to pay bills and Christmas shop. Further, he took the money out of the ATM on a day when he went to an AA-a-thon (24 hours of AA meetings at that location), two phone calls to a woman named Ashley, when he came home he face planted on the living room floor smelled of alcohol but "his knee gave out"--whatever---but the atm withdrawal comes with fees. Not just one but two. Double fees.
I also been working really hard on me, borrowing forgiveness and trust from my HP, and really trying to be supportive but on my own side of the street. One day I had an epiphany, why is it just me working on forgiveness and trust? Wouldn't a person who wanted to be trusted behave in such a way? Being transparent, truthful and on time, where he said he was going to be? So on the day above I presented that to my RAH and said I don't trust you and you continue to exhibit behaviors so ......wth? We had a couples counseling session and the counselor pretty much told him the same thing.....Im working on myself trying to not be bitter or resentful so that hopefully on the other side of this I will have remained soft and we could move on, what is he doing? His IOP counselor told him the same thing....your wife cannot make herself vulnerable enough to be intimate with you if you are still acting like an alcoholic. So here comes the blinger, we were heading out the door to go to the Dr. and he had to go run a quick errand and he left his phone, I sat there looking at it for a few minutes, and my HP said to me, "You will have your proof" so I picked it up, and there they were nasty pictures and sexual texts to another woman from two weeks ago. She had just texted him because he hadn't been in contact for a couple weeks. Really? So when he came back in the room I was holding the phone stunned and he made all kinds of excuses one being because I refuse to be intimate with him. Then he said that it was a woman he met from AA and they had coffee together so that he could get a woman's perspective on how to get my trust back. She developed an interest so he stopped. YEAH OK I read those texts, he wasn't disinterested trust me. So .....she gave him the same advice apparently..transparency truthfulness etc.
So, now he is upset because my boundary has been crossed again and Im pretty much done. He says he's working on new behaviors. His IOP counselor says that he is in the reality phase of his sobriety and he is having a hard time facing reality, ie his drinking caused all this, he has no relationship with his family because of his behaviors. He has to be held accountable so, Last night I made him call the car insurance carrier to make arrangements for payments as well as deal with the motorcycle lender.
So my thoughts and questions I am mulling are: Does this every end? If it doesn't why would I want to stay with a person who cannot respect me or my boundaries? Is there like a phase the sober alcoholic goes through like their Alanon counterpart, like an epiphany happens that they realize the term King Baby really does apply? Do they ever stop looking at themselves as unique so therefore the rules don't apply? What if he is just an a$$hole? Can I accept that? Can I really be happy living separate lives but together? Aside from recovering from the overwhelming anxiety, resentfulness and bitterness, why keep borrowing forgiveness and trust from my HP when its just going to wasted anyway? Is there any point that we in Alanon can sit back and go...Shew I made it to the Promised Land? I am even questioning what my expectations of the Promised Land are......
"Is there any point that we in Alanon can sit back and go...Shew I made it to the Promised Land? I am even questioning what my expectations of the Promised Land are...... "
My experience regarding this question............... yes.
I got through by working very diligently at "cleaning house"... shining a flashlight on my old ideas and the old beliefs in my brain. My husband was the instrument God used to get me to pay attention... to pull me closer to solutions that work for me. I didn't need my alcoholic husband to wake up and care more about me, I needed to.
I am powerless over the past, conditioned in alcoholic insanity in my childhood home. Al-anon told me that as an adult, I am responsible for me... I am responsible for the environment I place myself in.... and I am growing today in a much safer environment. I have surrendered my old belief that I was put on this earth to suffer. I had to forgive myself for holding that belief.
I am so sorry to read about your illness, thank you for the update so that I can hold you up in prayer. Please keep coming back, and please take care of (((you)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 15th of January 2017 12:47:17 AM
I'm not certain there are 'phases' that apply across the board. I've never heard that but we have NEVER found a counselor that could HELP our situation. That's in part because most did not want to be there - I suspect we were fodder for the watercooler each time we showed up.
All those questions you ask yourself are part of your journey and your recovery. I say it often - there is no shame in loving an alcoholic. I also believe there is no shame in staying or leaving. The best gift the program gives us is our power restored with alignment with God. There are no wrong/right answers - it's your path, and your life.
I'm big on forgiveness as it cleanses me of negative energy keeping me from the sunlight of the spirit. It has nothing to do with the other person any more - it's for me. Part of my journey has been to stop working harder for 'our' future than everyone else. I am pleasant, kind, and joyful but I no longer look for cures, recovery or healing beyond me. My AH and I come together when it happens - I don't force it, ask for it or feel sad for what's not. I am grateful instead for what is and trust my HP to take me where he wants me to go.
So - good on you for all your hard work. Good on you for speaking your truth. So glad that you're healing from your diagnosis and love seeing your program in process. I'm always reminded that more will be revealed when there is a 'discovery' that is unexpected. I'd love to have a crystal ball so I can anticipate and plan my response to what's coming next, but I don't have one...
(((Hugs)))
Thank you 2HP that gives me hope. I do joke with my RAH that I cannot and will not wander 40 years like Moses. However, tomorrow will mark one year and 3 months this nightmare of "hitting rock bottom" and the climb to recovery actually started. It feels like 40 years. I have aged so much. I have changed so much. I don't have the endurance I used to. When my son with cerebral palsy was born I received a gift from a co worker of a framed poem/inspiration called Welcome to Holland. It is a lovely piece of literature dealing with the expectations and disappointments of birthing a child with special needs, by comparing the months leading up to the birth as planning a trip to Italy and somehow the plane landed in Holland. It encourages us parents of special needs children that although Holland isn't what we expected, and it is not Italy but beautiful in its own way. To enjoy Holland for all that it has to offer and Italy will happen one day. I have enjoyed Holland, I am grateful for all the Holland has given me. Holland has also given me a lot of pain and agony, but I have picked all the tulips and seen all the windmills, so I would really like to try Italy.
I too believe that God put my husband in my life to teach me what I didn't learn before, I let people treat me this way. I expect it and therefore it is. This little left hook has taught me that.
I'm not certain there are 'phases' that apply across the board. I've never heard that but we have NEVER found a counselor that could HELP our situation. That's in part because most did not want to be there - I suspect we were fodder for the watercooler each time we showed up.
I was confused too about the phases Iamhere. However, I guess I should clarify that the iop counselor had the white board titled Phases of Emotional Recovery. My RAH has moved out of the honeymoon phase and into a reality phase that happens at 90 days per his source. At the 120 day mark supposedly he moves into a decisive phase where he decides what he has to fix and at 9 months to a year he works on those things in himself that caused him to drink in the first place. The problem is I only know the steps, this doesn't coincide with the steps. Isnt the steps emotional recovery in a spiritual way? I cant say the couples counseling was totally ineffective as my husband was able to recognize the progress I have made but obviously he didn't follow her advice. I also agree with forgiveness and it has been hard for me, but I do forgive my father. It has been a huge weight. I never really knew how resentful and ashamed of him I was. My shortcoming is I am now wired a certain way, whenever I get a 6th sense that something isn't right, I am like a crack addict looking for a fix. It is fear and anxiety and I will chase that fix until I find it. It is like an addiction.
speaking first from the AA side, yes - there is a 'turning point' when/if one is working the program AND is rigorously honest. For some, it's sooner and for others, it's later. It's a progressive disease and for those who work on recovery, it's very, very complicated. First - figuring out how to not drink. Then - all the firsts - work, party, holiday, death, car crash, etc. without substances. No different than Al-Anon - it's a process.
Thank you for this too Iamhere, it gives me hope.
My AH and I come together when it happens - I don't force it, ask for it or feel sad for what's not. I am grateful instead for what is and trust my HP to take me where he wants me to go.
I am not sure why it is not happening, why I feel that I cant be intimate, if I am really honest with myself I think it is about control. I cant control anything else so I can control that. Further, if I examine my motives, I want him to hurt as badly as I do.
So, I guess I cant really criticize his slow process when I have miles to go as well. I guess I need to go back to Step 4 and do a little more work. The trouble is my sponsor moved away and in the winter months there is only one Alanon face to face meeting that is not conducive to my schedule.
Thanks again for your wisdom. I really appreciate it.
That is quite a month that you've had - a lot of changes going on and I'm not surprised that your energy is feeling low.
I love, love, love your description of Holland and how you have found beauty there. And I'm smiling at the idea of a plane taking off for one destination and then arriving somewhere else - what a way to stay in the moment that would be!!!
I struggle to be close with my husband and I think that I am someone who needs to feel a connection and attraction to someone before I want to sleep with them. If anyone else treated me the way that my husband treated me I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want to be intimate with them - and I consider that fairly healthy. I have had to sit myself down and think about what, if anything, would make me want to rebuild that trust that has been broken. For me, some of that rebuilding has to come from RAH's side, when he is ready - that is what makes a two way relationship for me. So what to do in the meantime? And how long do I want to wait? And do I want to put my life on hold in the meantime? I don't have to struggle to answer those questions, the answers for me come best when I am feeling safe, relaxed, and in the process of restoring my self esteem. Which takes me back to Holland!!! Picking tulips, enjoying life, recharging, resting, doing what I need to do for my own growth and wellbeing - those are my choices for now!
This for me is exactly why intimacy is difficult with my AH. I am willing to allow others 2nd, 3rd, etc. chances in all areas of my life, however - 'this area' is pure, protected and sacred to me. In my self-care, who I give myself to, when and how is my choice and we all need to do what makes sense for our self-worth and self-esteem.
I came to recovery hurt, broken, anxious, stressed and angry! My anger turned to sadness and while I am healing, I am not perfectly healed. With my HP, I'm working on trust often/always and feel I can't hurry that process - or I set myself up for repeating unhealthy patterns. I feel that all things resolve as they should in God's time, not mine.
Take care of you, be gentle with you and trust the process as best you can. This philosophy has kept me reasonably sane and forward thinking most of my recovery journey. (((Hugs)))
Recently, prior to the above events, I turned these issues with my husband back over to my HP. I have a journal that I write letters to my HP in and I physically wrote that I am turning these issues back over to him. I know that God is working on his plan for me otherwise I would not have picked up that phone. Also, just last night, my daughter was looking for her back pack as she has a project due tomorrow and since she is off for the holiday today she wanted to work on it, she couldn't find it anywhere in the house, so she went out and searched every vehicle, hers, mine, her boyfriends, and my husbands. In the center console of my husbands truck was a 6 pack of beer. With one gone. She being only 17 brought in the house crying and confronted him with it. My husband said that he found the six pack in the parking lot of the place he went to his NA meeting yesterday. (He switches up NA and AA) He couldn't give a real reason why he put it in the center console hidden other than conditioned response. He swore he didn't drink any. But he was worried he would not be able to resist the temptation knowing it was there. He then became defensive and felt his privacy was violated. The old me would have spun up, cried, etc. Instead I looked at him and said your sobriety is none of my business. However, that was a divine intervention and I am grateful sorry. Either way, if he is not sober God is revealing that to me to protect me and if my husband is sober and was worried about being able to resist the temptation, God intervened.
Milkwood Welcome to Holland is beautiful and although it is written for parents of special needs children, it is very inspiring in dealing with the disappointments of life.