Hi everyone, I am new to the forums and am so glad I found them.
I've been struggling hard with reacting rather than acting. I grew up with my qualifier who made the mere idea of action/choice on my part very dangerous or treated it with contempt. I instead very carefully maneuvered around them, and lived in a permanent state of reaction.
I still do the same thing. For example, if I say or write anything to my BF, I typically worry and tear myself apart doubting myself and go over my words and regretting them. But if he responds positively and calmly, I feel happy and relieved with the way I expressed myself.
Recently, however, I did something a little differently. As I was about to send an email which was intended to bridge the tension I had recently created in the relationship, I basically asked my higher power if it was right to send the message at that moment. The message was a clear 'No,' which broke through my panic and desperation. The next morning, I woke up and felt moved to write a new email with a completely different tone. I knew this was an email I could send, and I only needed to wait for the right moment, and trusted that my higher power would help me. I attended a phone meeting that afternoon, and then felt right about sending the email. I really stood behind my words. I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it meanly. I still didn't know if my BF would respond at all, but I didn't let his response completely define my perception of my email. So it was a small amount of progress. Far from perfection though-- because as soon as he responded with calm positivity to my email, I was over the moon and self-congratulating myself about how perfect my email was, in a way I never otherwise would have.
It is so difficult to not be reactionary. When he is happy with me, my world feels safe. When there is distance, I am in panicked agony. I make him my higher power, I suppose.
I would love some slogans or ESH related to Acting not Reacting. Thanks all.
hotrod said
Jan 13, 2017
Hi and welcome Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured. We who live with the disease do develop many negative coping tools to help us deal with the on going insanity Reacting is very common when we are living with the disease.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members who live with the insanity Here we break the isolation caused by living with the diseaae and develop tool to act (in our won best interest ) and validate ourselves without reacting.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. There is hope
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2017
Welcome pom to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared....I too was a huge reactive person and often my responses were 'matching' the other persons' emotions. I had lost a huge part of my self and my sanity to the disease through my patterns, processing and reactive nature....
As Betty suggests, my best course of action was meetings, literature, steps and sponsor. I learned easy tricks in the beginning and the slogans were extremely helpful for me. I had to truly let go of all that was me and my past and start over - it was almost like 'growing up in public'.
I hope you'll find some meetings and attend - get active in your recovery....it's been a life-changer for me and all of my relationships have improved greatly as I've worked on me...
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
Hi everyone, I am new to the forums and am so glad I found them.
I've been struggling hard with reacting rather than acting. I grew up with my qualifier who made the mere idea of action/choice on my part very dangerous or treated it with contempt. I instead very carefully maneuvered around them, and lived in a permanent state of reaction.
I still do the same thing. For example, if I say or write anything to my BF, I typically worry and tear myself apart doubting myself and go over my words and regretting them. But if he responds positively and calmly, I feel happy and relieved with the way I expressed myself.
Recently, however, I did something a little differently. As I was about to send an email which was intended to bridge the tension I had recently created in the relationship, I basically asked my higher power if it was right to send the message at that moment. The message was a clear 'No,' which broke through my panic and desperation. The next morning, I woke up and felt moved to write a new email with a completely different tone. I knew this was an email I could send, and I only needed to wait for the right moment, and trusted that my higher power would help me. I attended a phone meeting that afternoon, and then felt right about sending the email. I really stood behind my words. I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it meanly. I still didn't know if my BF would respond at all, but I didn't let his response completely define my perception of my email. So it was a small amount of progress. Far from perfection though-- because as soon as he responded with calm positivity to my email, I was over the moon and self-congratulating myself about how perfect my email was, in a way I never otherwise would have.
It is so difficult to not be reactionary. When he is happy with me, my world feels safe. When there is distance, I am in panicked agony. I make him my higher power, I suppose.
I would love some slogans or ESH related to Acting not Reacting. Thanks all.
Hi and welcome Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured. We who live with the disease do develop many negative coping tools to help us deal with the on going insanity Reacting is very common when we are living with the disease.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members who live with the insanity Here we break the isolation caused by living with the diseaae and develop tool to act (in our won best interest ) and validate ourselves without reacting.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. There is hope
As Betty suggests, my best course of action was meetings, literature, steps and sponsor. I learned easy tricks in the beginning and the slogans were extremely helpful for me. I had to truly let go of all that was me and my past and start over - it was almost like 'growing up in public'.
I hope you'll find some meetings and attend - get active in your recovery....it's been a life-changer for me and all of my relationships have improved greatly as I've worked on me...
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!