Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while, but I just experienced a situation that baffled me! My ex abf (but still seeing each other) just told me that by leaving him last night and not staying with him because he was drunk was "running away from my problems." I'm trying to remind myself that what I did was right because I had said I will not support his drinking and for me that means not being around him as well as rides from the bar or picking up alcohol. I just don't feel that what I did was running away from anything, I feel as though I have finally created boundaries and I am sticking to them. It's really hard to think you can't explain this to an alcoholic until they are in recovery, is this still true? I've read that you cannot havR a logical conversation with an active alcoholic; does this refer to the times when they are sober as well??
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2017
Hey vvv - the program suggests we not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. So - when I am given 'feedback' that I don't agree with or believe is more disease-based vs. logic-based, I tend to let it flow in one ear and right out the other side. If it gives me cause for pause, I work it through with a trusted person or sponsor.
I have to look at my boundaries at moments like this to be sure my motives are pure. As a double-winner (both AA & Al-Anon), I am very selective who I will spend my time with. I have friends who drink and it never bothers me at all. I have others who drink and I won't spend time with them unless they are dry/alcohol-free. I have no issue with drinking - I have issues with drunks. They are vastly different. What the program has gifted me is I have a right to remove myself from any situation I am uncomfortable with and truly don't owe anyone an explanation.
I would suggest that until one finds recovery, logical conversations are difficult - dry or active. This has been my experience.
(((Hugs)))
Jazzie18 said
Jan 13, 2017
VVV. This is classic A behavior. Once you start using the tools you learn in Al-Anon, setting up boundaries and following through on them, they start to see a change and get scared. They don't like that you are changing up their drinking world and messing with their status quo. My husband freaked the first time I followed through with my boundary and asked him to leave the house when I found him drunk. They will trying anything to turn this around on you. You don't have to justify your actions to anyone and you can explain your actions to your boyfriend once he is sober and in a clearer mind.
Sending you a virtual hug. I know it is hard but you are on the path to recovery and hopefully your boyfriend joins you.
Jerry F said
Jan 13, 2017
The insanity of alcoholism part of which is when you get to second guessing yourself when the tap your guilt button or try some self doubt at you. I love learning those lessons so that IO could stop reacting and lose credibility. I remembering learning to say "Yah so"? or "So you do know how I see it". She was my problem till I learned how to let her go and stop blaming her or holding her hostage for my choices. Running away from my problems...the disease is that big a problem and running was a good choice. Keep coming back you will learn more and get the tasted of freedom. ((((hugs))))
LinSC said
Jan 13, 2017
Talking to a drinker. It has been my experience that when I talked to my son (who was sober for the day) he understood me and promised me things and he really did mean what he said (at the time) BUT as soon as he got a little high or drunk all those promises were totally forgotten. Yes his promises were sincere. But not for long. Thats my ESH. linsc
MissM said
Jan 14, 2017
Interesting that he sees his drinking as your problem. Do you see it that way?
It's not really your responsibility to make him understand your boundaries, it's really only necessary to let him know that they are there and they aren't negotiable. If people want to have you in their life they tend to catch on eventually-after trying to guilt or argue you out of them for a bit, in some (read most) cases!
Sounds like you're clear about what you want and that's excellent; I think it's important not to let other people make you second guess yourself (which is how most of us end up stuck in inaction and "helplessness").
vvv said
Jan 14, 2017
Thank you all for the input! It really amazes me how helpful this page is and I am so thankful for it!
vvv said
Jan 14, 2017
Come to think of it I just had another question pop in my head: if I do feel comfortable being around him if he has been drinking and I stay doesn't that just show him his drinking is ok? Of course all of my friends and family who have never been in this situation like to tell me that if I stay around after he's been drinking I'm saying it's ok you're drunk I'll still be here, which to me makes good sense, but that would be if we were in a logical situation, which we all know alcoholism is clearly not logical.
Iamhere said
Jan 14, 2017
vvv - working the program, going to meetings and restoring you to sanity can lead you to the best boundaries for you/your qualifier. I am uncomfortable around drunk people, but not around alcohol or normal drinkers. So, my boundary is inconsistent for this subject. It is perfectly clear with my qualifiers - I will not be around them if/when they consume of if/when they are under the influence. I don't have to questions their state - if I even suspect, I impose my boundary.
It's through practice and growth that my boundaries work for me. I will share that opinions expressed by outside folks typically confused me and left me more uncertain.
Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while, but I just experienced a situation that baffled me! My ex abf (but still seeing each other) just told me that by leaving him last night and not staying with him because he was drunk was "running away from my problems." I'm trying to remind myself that what I did was right because I had said I will not support his drinking and for me that means not being around him as well as rides from the bar or picking up alcohol. I just don't feel that what I did was running away from anything, I feel as though I have finally created boundaries and I am sticking to them. It's really hard to think you can't explain this to an alcoholic until they are in recovery, is this still true? I've read that you cannot havR a logical conversation with an active alcoholic; does this refer to the times when they are sober as well??
I have to look at my boundaries at moments like this to be sure my motives are pure. As a double-winner (both AA & Al-Anon), I am very selective who I will spend my time with. I have friends who drink and it never bothers me at all. I have others who drink and I won't spend time with them unless they are dry/alcohol-free. I have no issue with drinking - I have issues with drunks. They are vastly different. What the program has gifted me is I have a right to remove myself from any situation I am uncomfortable with and truly don't owe anyone an explanation.
I would suggest that until one finds recovery, logical conversations are difficult - dry or active. This has been my experience.
(((Hugs)))
Sending you a virtual hug. I know it is hard but you are on the path to recovery and hopefully your boyfriend joins you.
The insanity of alcoholism part of which is when you get to second guessing yourself when the tap your guilt button or try some self doubt at you. I love learning those lessons so that IO could stop reacting and lose credibility. I remembering learning to say "Yah so"? or "So you do know how I see it". She was my problem till I learned how to let her go and stop blaming her or holding her hostage for my choices. Running away from my problems...the disease is that big a problem and running was a good choice. Keep coming back you will learn more and get the tasted of freedom. ((((hugs))))
Talking to a drinker. It has been my experience that when I talked to my son (who was sober for the day) he understood me and promised me things and he really did mean what he said (at the time) BUT as soon as he got a little high or drunk all those promises were totally forgotten. Yes his promises were sincere. But not for long. Thats my ESH. linsc
It's not really your responsibility to make him understand your boundaries, it's really only necessary to let him know that they are there and they aren't negotiable. If people want to have you in their life they tend to catch on eventually-after trying to guilt or argue you out of them for a bit, in some (read most) cases!
Sounds like you're clear about what you want and that's excellent; I think it's important not to let other people make you second guess yourself (which is how most of us end up stuck in inaction and "helplessness").
It's through practice and growth that my boundaries work for me. I will share that opinions expressed by outside folks typically confused me and left me more uncertain.
Keep working it....keep coming back!