I know a lot of you have seen me here many many times defending my abf actions, asking multiple questions, trying to make sense of things. ( I have been with him for 4 1/2yrs) Despite the many setbacks (drinking then stopping for a bit, then drinking and stopping.. round and round) and physical abuse (that all of you urged me to leave asap) and rightfully so, I held out hope inthe last 6 months that maybe just maybe he was going to really do the work at making a better life for himself (and me and my stepson) because he started going to AA. He did 90 meetings and picked up a 90 day chip (that he shouldn't have imo because he has drank (a few times) during that period). Anyway, yesterday I found out by a friend that he hasn't been honest about his drinking (no shocker there) that he HAS gone to bars (shocked because he really really expressed to me how he dislikes the thought of them now since AA) and worst of all... and this person didnt want to tell me but I really wanted to know the truth... that when I wasnt at his house, he brought home from a bar 3 girls (different times) in the last year to 1 1/2..and had oral sex from them and possibly more. This is one of HIS friends telling me, with no ulterior motive. (he actually TOLD his friend this! bragging! Part of me is thinking, well.. it was before his active revovery so maybe its ok... Really Aerin??! I need to figure out why on earth I'd excuse that one! Anyway, obviously I said aomething to him and he denied it, but not passionately, more like he thinks someone lied to me and that its the devil just trying to mess with HIM. HIM? There is the selfishness. I almost cannot believe how they spin the lie to look like its not their doing. The denial in their lives is huge. wow. I have read and learned so much here and I will come back because it helps my own self esteem. I am hurt beyond words as well as digusted and even moreso that he turns it around to be someone elses doing (the devil this time). This just put a nail in the coffin and I know many of you have been there and some may even wanna vent on this. Please do. I get so much out of just reading everyones responses. Love to you alllllll xoxoxo
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2017
(((Aerin))) - I am sorry for your anger and for the 'news'. My best suggestion is get to meetings are work on you - you deserve the best life you can live. It took me a long while in recovery to let people 'show' me who they are instead of 'telling' me. I've seen folks often who talk the talk but my heart and soul are looking for those who walk the walk.
Keep coming back - we're here for you as best we can be. I can share that the times I've been caught off guard with the factual truth has been the times where a sponsor has been a huge savior for my own sanity.
MomInMo said
Jan 9, 2017
Yeah. Get to Al-anon and work on you. Even if you leave. Gotta cheat up your issues before another relationship. That's a I found.
Jerry F said
Jan 9, 2017
Aerin...sad with you and every other emotion...So now what do you do for Aerin. That is the question. I cannot forget the night I quit reacting and just said out loud..."Uncle"!! I was done and stayed done. Sticking with my Higher Power is what I do. ((((hugs))))
andromeda said
Jan 10, 2017
You mentioned in your post that you need to figure out why you'd excuse his behavior. That is YOUR work for your recovery. Good for you to be moving forward in a way that takes care of you, though. I think when we pull our heads out of the sand and start really seeing the behavior instead of just listening to lies that give us false hope. We start putting 2 and 2 together and when we are ready, we see the truth. The truth hurts because it's just as much about us as it is about them, but the only person we can fix is ourselves. This is a great place to start, girl. It will be hard, but the journey will be worth it. hugs!
Jayla said
Jan 10, 2017
((((Aerin)))) I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I don't have much to offer (I'm pretty new to this whole Al Anon scene) but just an observation that it seems like this happens A LOT with addict spouses/significant others. So you are not alone! I have suspicions at this point but no more than that. I have been wondering though if there are any addict spouses who don't cheat? because it seems like most of them do. I would appreciate info from the more experienced members on that. But I hope you can use this truth to your advantage to help you figure out how to get to a better place for yourself (whatever that may be for you).
SerenityRUS said
Jan 10, 2017
I am sooo sorry that this has been so painful for you .. I really hope you will attend meetings and find out exactly what you said .. the why's of what you do.
It's really weird for me it wasn't the drinking that bothered me so much .. the straw that seriously broke the camels back for me was the affair/s I knew of one and speculated on others. He saw that behavior very, very differently than I did .. which was his own rationalizing.
My only prayer for you is for you to get healthy and find your own way back to your authentic self.
Hugs S :)
milkwood said
Jan 12, 2017
((((((Aerin)))))))
I understand how hurtful that feels. Sometimes I like to remind myself that our HP's have our best interests at heart. I like to imagine HP looking at us and smiling kindly, and with a quiet feeling of loving satisfaction, HP thinks 'yes, this beautiful being is strong enough and empowered enough and ready for more to be revealed.' And then we are blessed with yet more learning - because we are stronger than we were!
The lessons can be painful, at the time they feel very painful indeed, but in my experience I grow even more when I can see the lesson taking place. Once the painful lessons are out of the way, and we learn, as you are clearly doing now, to look up, notice our surroundings and then focus on our own needs, our own capabilities and learn about ourselves (rather than trying to figure out others!), I think that is when we start to experience the fun, exciting, positive lessons. As our skills develop, which they surely will, life just keep getting better and better, not always easier, but surely better, until we catch our breath in awe at how very lucky we are!
It is a process, and I'm so proud of you for all you have learnt and how you keep on evolving into the beautiful person that you truly are.
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 12th of January 2017 03:33:31 AM
I know a lot of you have seen me here many many times defending my abf actions, asking multiple questions, trying to make sense of things. ( I have been with him for 4 1/2yrs) Despite the many setbacks (drinking then stopping for a bit, then drinking and stopping.. round and round) and physical abuse (that all of you urged me to leave asap) and rightfully so, I held out hope inthe last 6 months that maybe just maybe he was going to really do the work at making a better life for himself (and me and my stepson) because he started going to AA. He did 90 meetings and picked up a 90 day chip (that he shouldn't have imo because he has drank (a few times) during that period). Anyway, yesterday I found out by a friend that he hasn't been honest about his drinking (no shocker there) that he HAS gone to bars (shocked because he really really expressed to me how he dislikes the thought of them now since AA) and worst of all... and this person didnt want to tell me but I really wanted to know the truth... that when I wasnt at his house, he brought home from a bar 3 girls (different times) in the last year to 1 1/2..and had oral sex from them and possibly more. This is one of HIS friends telling me, with no ulterior motive. (he actually TOLD his friend this! bragging! Part of me is thinking, well.. it was before his active revovery so maybe its ok... Really Aerin??! I need to figure out why on earth I'd excuse that one! Anyway, obviously I said aomething to him and he denied it, but not passionately, more like he thinks someone lied to me and that its the devil just trying to mess with HIM. HIM? There is the selfishness. I almost cannot believe how they spin the lie to look like its not their doing. The denial in their lives is huge. wow. I have read and learned so much here and I will come back because it helps my own self esteem. I am hurt beyond words as well as digusted and even moreso that he turns it around to be someone elses doing (the devil this time).
This just put a nail in the coffin and I know many of you have been there and some may even wanna vent on this. Please do. I get so much out of just reading everyones responses. Love to you alllllll xoxoxo
Keep coming back - we're here for you as best we can be. I can share that the times I've been caught off guard with the factual truth has been the times where a sponsor has been a huge savior for my own sanity.
Aerin...sad with you and every other emotion...So now what do you do for Aerin. That is the question. I cannot forget the night I quit reacting and just said out loud..."Uncle"!! I was done and stayed done. Sticking with my Higher Power is what I do. ((((hugs))))
It's really weird for me it wasn't the drinking that bothered me so much .. the straw that seriously broke the camels back for me was the affair/s I knew of one and speculated on others. He saw that behavior very, very differently than I did .. which was his own rationalizing.
My only prayer for you is for you to get healthy and find your own way back to your authentic self.
Hugs S :)
((((((Aerin)))))))
I understand how hurtful that feels. Sometimes I like to remind myself that our HP's have our best interests at heart. I like to imagine HP looking at us and smiling kindly, and with a quiet feeling of loving satisfaction, HP thinks 'yes, this beautiful being is strong enough and empowered enough and ready for more to be revealed.' And then we are blessed with yet more learning - because we are stronger than we were!
The lessons can be painful, at the time they feel very painful indeed, but in my experience I grow even more when I can see the lesson taking place. Once the painful lessons are out of the way, and we learn, as you are clearly doing now, to look up, notice our surroundings and then focus on our own needs, our own capabilities and learn about ourselves (rather than trying to figure out others!), I think that is when we start to experience the fun, exciting, positive lessons. As our skills develop, which they surely will, life just keep getting better and better, not always easier, but surely better, until we catch our breath in awe at how very lucky we are!
It is a process, and I'm so proud of you for all you have learnt and how you keep on evolving into the beautiful person that you truly are.
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 12th of January 2017 03:33:31 AM