It's been a long time since I posted but I sure have missed being able to vent and reading from people who are experiencing the same situations. My husband had been clean and sober for over 13 years when he relapsed. I met him when he had 1 year of sobriety so being with an alcoholic is new to me. The man I knew for 12 years turned into a complete stranger. Our youngest daughter was a month old when he relapsed. He has put us through hell over the past year and about 2 months ago tried to kill me in one of his drunken stupors. He had never put his hands on me throughout the 12 years we had been together but almost everytime he got drunk he was getting more and more crazy. He busted my lip and choked me but the whole time he was saying horrible things that I can't seem to get out of my mind. I had never been that scared in my entire life! I had him arrested and there was a court order that he couldn't drink until he had his trial. Since he stopped drinking he was able to get his mind right and I let him come back home. At first, he was so humble and so sorry. He couldn't believe he could do that to me. And now, a couple months later he's still sober(yay) but all of the things he said and did to me over the past year is a blur For him. And he's not so humble anymore. Even kind of downplaying the incident. He will not get help or go to an AA meetings. He believes he can do it by himself which I believe he is just setting himself up for failure which scares me to death. I've already told him that if he relapses again I am done because I can't take the chance of him going into one of his violent rages again. He feels that since he's sober I shouldn't want or expect anything else from him. He is a DJ and took 4 nights a week DJ'ing in a bar. He loves the attention he's getting from the low life women in the bar. And because I've expressed that I don't like it he told me he's not going home with any of them. So he's blocked me on Facebook and acts very secretive about everything. We have 3 children together and the entire year I have been dealing with just trying to hold our family together and now that he is sober I am STILL just barely holding our family together. With his new attitude and behavior I am finding it extremely difficult to forgive him for all of the things he said and did over the past year and half. I find myself becoming angry, bitter and depressed. I am normally a very optimistic person. I can always find the joy even in the worst of circumstance. I feel like I am losing myself. We were once so close, shared everything and he was so proud of his family. I just feel so lost!

hi Dlove, I'm so glad you have come back to share. And so very sorry for what you have gone through. When you describe your AH's transition from sober/humble to where he is now, I feel worried and scared for you and your children, since he has already had an episode of violence against you.

After going to Al-Anon and reading hundreds and hundreds of posts on this board, it does seem that an A that is not in a recovery program WILL relapse at some point. As well as so many that are in a program.  

You have told him you will leave if he relapses again. If you do not follow through, he will not believe you. So my first question is, are you prepared to do this? Do you have a bag packed/hidden for you and the kids, so you can make a quick escape? If he relapses and gets violent, do you have a plan for who you will call or what you will do, if you feel in danger? If nowhere else, does your county have a shelter for women and kids?

I left my AH before it got to that point. Because I read enough other people's experiences, and believed the domestic violence counselors when they described how often the abuse does progress from emotional and verbal to physically, eventually. It was hard to imagine my usually gentle AH could have that potential, but he had already become a stranger when drunk, so anything was possible. He said horrible things when he was drunk. He as paranoid, and accused me of many things. (And the accusations have not stopped, even though we have been living apart for over a year.) Anything to point a finger and get the attention on me, instead of him. I have tried to apply my Al-Anon principles of detachment, but I found that I could not - or did not want to - have that as my daily life experience, as much as I wanted an intact family for our children's sake.  Although I am working the steps and understand nobody has the power to hurt me (emotionally - physically is another story), I did not want that to be my reality, or my children's reality of growing up with that dynamic.  My AH only ever hurt me once - I threw the first punch, and he punched me back. At the time, I had no idea that he was drunk/abusing alcohol, because he drank secretly for quite some time, and I thought I was living with a paranoid crazy person who refused to honor any boundaries. I threw that punch in complete desperation and frustration because he would not leave me alone. We were moving to a new state the next day (to start anew, ha ha), I was facing an all-nighter packing in advance of the moving truck coming, and he was verbally harassing me about perceived things he did not like about the past, things that could not be changed, despite my pleas over and over to let me just get on with packing right now.  Eventually, he went to bed and I stayed up all night, doing the packing for both of us.

His drinking behavior progressed, and by the end, I did feel physically threatened. I believed it was only a matter of time. I went to my county domestic violence counselor, and listened to hers and others, who shared how so often alcoholism just continues to escalate. Many women and children are hurt, and killed, by alcohol-fueled insanity.  I believed that this trajectory was possible, and I left. Your A has already hurt you. He is not getting any support or help. He is already being emotionally cruel, by his behavior regarding women at work, blocking you on FB, etc.  As scary as it is, I hope you can put your own and your children's safety first. It is soo easy to get lulled into believing it won't get worst, to believe their words, promises, etc.  

I also told my AH that I would leave if he relapsed. The first time after this, when he relapsed on my birthday, I gave him another chance.  Then, for awhile, I knew he was likely drinking again, but had no proof, so I stayed. I was trying very hard to stay in my own business,not search for hidden bottles, etc, and I had no proof.  When he finally was obviously drunk again, and was verbally aggressive toward me, our son and his visiting friends, I did leave. I rented a place for a month. He was in shock. He had not believed me. I came back. When he relapsed again a few months later, I moved out for a year.  I hoped that was indeed the bottom he said it was, and that he would turn toward the AA program he halfheartedly participated in. Now it is 1.5 years later, we are getting divorced, and nothing has changed. He flip flops between "going it alone", a little AA here or there, or just flat out not being sober but still hiding/lying/blaming.  

Please take care of yourself and your children. And keep coming back here for support. Sending you a big hug. 

oceanpine thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It hit me hard because I know it's true. It's so scary knowing that there "more than likely" will be a next time. My kids have been through so much. I have done some research and KNOW that if he starts drinking again I will go to the court house and get a restraining order and have him removed from our house. That is my only plan up to this point. I am also having a hard time detaching. I will start detaching and feeling that I'm doing pretty good and then I get glimpses of how things used to be and I lose myself in the hope of it all. Emotional roller coaster is an understatement! We were like best friends before all of this. We always talked about how rare our relationship was. And now, in just a years time, everything has changed. He was very paranoid when he was drinking and accused me of the EXACT things that he was actually doing (how ironic)-lol. And now that he's sober he is still somewhat paranoid (not as bad though) but definitely a tactic that takes the eyes off of what he needs to be doing. I think it's because of everything sneaky he has done. I have 3 kids, run a daycare out of my home and homeschooL. I barely have time to take a shower most days-lol. This was a good reminder to not let my guard down, make my "just in case plans" and hope for the best. It's stories like yours that give me strength.

Iamhere thank you. I found an AMAZING group of people in Al-anon. I went consistently for awhile but stopped going a few months ago. I agree that it is what I need to do. It will help me not feel so lost.