Regarding behavior, a sponsor once told a member that once is a fluke, twice a coincidence, but three times is a pattern.
Today's page suggests that if I am still suffering because of the same behavior that I have seen more than three times, than it is time to make an adjustment in my expectations, mindset, and response. Expecting another to change their pattern sets me up for disappointment and resentment.
Adjustments can be made in my choice of timing, topic, and tone, and certainly in my expectations. If I keep the focus on what I can change, I can remove suffering from my choices of how to respond.
Today's Reminder: The next time I react to someone's behavior, I will ask myself how many times that has happened the same way.
"If I am always reacting, then I am never free." - AlAnon is for Adult Children of Alcoholics
**************** Learning to see my role has been an incredible blessing, both in dealing with my qualifier and with all others. It is incredibly empowering as it helps me focus on changing the only thing I have power over: me.
When I focus on changing my response, my return on effort is so much better, as is my felt peace. Turning my head to follow the sun's path is possible, keeping the earth from spinning is not. Sunflowers figured it out, so can I.
HP, help me be the sunflower...
Skorpi said
Jan 9, 2017
Thanks for sharing, Paul. The imagery of the sunflower really spoke to me.
hotrod said
Jan 9, 2017
Good Morning Paul thanks for sharing this important distinction. I know for many years , prior to entering program I was on "automatic mode" and "reacted" in the same manner, continually to provocations . I simply thought that I had no other choice and that i was so smart that "thought fast- on my feet ". My sponsor pointed out exactly what this reading is saying ,that by "Reacting" I was giving my power away and was not really "thinking" at all. Taking the time to stop, myself, repeat a slogan in my head kept me from being "on automatic" and provided me with enough time lto learn how to respond in a positive self vaiidating manner .
It is nice being a "sunflower". Thanks for your service
-
MissM said
Jan 9, 2017
You're on fire with the visuals lately Paul- the Matrix, the sunflower
Pre-program I didn't even know that there was a difference between reacting and responding. Looking back, it seems like almost everything I did was a reaction...which means, so many of my choices were entirely dictated by what someone else said or did. Any wonder I was so angry, frustrated and felt completely helpless! Taking my time to respond in the way that is right for me is, as you point out, so very empowering.
Thanks for your ever thought-provoking insights!!
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2017
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you also for ESH all.....I am chuckling at myself (thank God for the gift of humor in recovery)....my AH decided he needed a MacBook Pro and just purchased one. Never mind a dialogue, never mind that he only does facebook (he doesn't even understand email), never mind.....that I am a professional shopper by trade nor that my last professional job was in IT - urgh...
So, when I 'found it' (he's kept it hidden) and asked about it - he lied. I knew he was not being honest and I just let it go. I've tried to talk about how destructive and damaging dishonesty and sneaking is in a relationship and he exploded. All of this is old behavior for me and him!!!
So - back to Step 1 I am today reminding myself that I truly am powerless over so, so many things. My sponsor tells me over and over and over again that when I have slips, it's good to recognize what's improved. I can say that I was calm, and did the best I could to speak to how I feel and felt when I discovered his deception. I did not react when he exploded. Of course, I need to also look at my part - which I am doing so.
I am grateful today for our program, and those of you that enhance mine with stellar ESH!!! I am one who wants to be different, experience difference and live differently - and you are the words of my HP often/always.
Paul - it's so funny that you brought up the Sunflower....when I was a little kid, we had a garden. My dad let us each pick out something to 'grow' in the garden. My brothers all picked a veggie and I picked the Sunflower (I love sunflower seeds....always have and always will). He tried to influence me to change it and I was adamant about my choice. He did as promised and planted some Sunflowers.
Those darn things grew taller than all other items. As they follow the sun and grow largely, they create a ton of shade. Needless to say, they also germinate easily and abundantly. He was NEVER able to rid the garden of Sunflowers, try as he may!!! Year after year after year, they returned and cast shade on other plants that needed the sun for their own existence. I still hear about my choice - the Sunflower - when we talk about 'Do you remember when....' They are huge, beautiful and really fun to watch grow.
(((Hugs))) - make it a great Monday all!
Dechen said
Jan 9, 2017
This is my very first time on this board and after reading many posts here, I feel I really belong.
I love the visual image of recognizing myself as the Sunflower, keeping my face turned toward the good and the beautiful, in the midst of the awful difficulty of being married to an AH, who I love very much, but am having a harder and harder time connecting with.
We are on a radical roller coaster in which his evening drinking, mainly of his huge volume intake of Jagermeister, (which he grew up on in Germany, available to anyone taller than the bar), and anything I say will trigger a nastiness almost each night. Then he is so kind and sweet in the morning, and I am "hung-over" from the horrible interactions of the night before, that I find it hard to even smile.
I love him so much but Alcoholism has run in his family for many generations, so many of them feel this is just how they were meant to be born. My AH even said that if it were not for me, feeding him healthy food, giving him lots of vitamins, including B-1, which helps protect the liver in alcoholics, he would be dead by now. He is 56, two years older than his brother was when he died of many complications of alcoholism.
Every single day, I am trying to see this chronic, impossible to change attitude and behavior from him as the PREFECT REMINDER of my own needs to take my seat, literally, moment to moment, with meditation and connecting to the HP (Buddha for moi), as what I am in this life for. By somehow finding compassion for him and all those like him, who are on their own inevitable path, I have no other choice after all these years but to meditate and BE my own stillness within.
Thanks for "listening" and I wish you all a beautiful New Year.
Dechen
-- Edited by Dechen on Monday 9th of January 2017 01:53:32 PM
Jerry F said
Jan 9, 2017
Aloha Paul and thanks for more ESH in recovery that will help me to stay on course and grow. "When we know better we do better" is what has been often mentioned in the fellowship and for me that is an axiom that has caused me to listen with my ear, eyes, senses and experiences. Our program is loaded with teachers and I am forever grateful to my HP for helping me find the front door of it. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2017
Dechen - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and so glad that you shared.....keep coming back - grateful you are part of our journey!
Enigmatic said
Jan 10, 2017
Thanks, all for sharing your Experience, Strength and Hope, and to Iah for the added insight into raising real life Sunflowers!I seized upon the time lapse footage I watched on a nature program of the flowers following the sun, and was mesmerized.
In fact, I have never seen a live sunflower plant, nor thought about how their size and sun orientation could block out everything beneath them; interesting...It seems there are helpful takeaways from the sunflower example, and things to watch out for, like don't plant short vegetation under them because they hog the sun. Good to remember!
Welcome, Dechen, you certainly do belong and we're so glad you found us! The AlAnon program and this fellowship has much to offer, I look forward to having you as part of the group. Hang in there, and keep coming back
Regarding behavior, a sponsor once told a member that once is a fluke, twice a coincidence, but three times is a pattern.
Today's page suggests that if I am still suffering because of the same behavior that I have seen more than three times, than it is time to make an adjustment in my expectations, mindset, and response. Expecting another to change their pattern sets me up for disappointment and resentment.
Adjustments can be made in my choice of timing, topic, and tone, and certainly in my expectations. If I keep the focus on what I can change, I can remove suffering from my choices of how to respond.
Today's Reminder: The next time I react to someone's behavior, I will ask myself how many times that has happened the same way.
"If I am always reacting, then I am never free." - AlAnon is for Adult Children of Alcoholics
****************
Learning to see my role has been an incredible blessing, both in dealing with my qualifier and with all others. It is incredibly empowering as it helps me focus on changing the only thing I have power over: me.
When I focus on changing my response, my return on effort is so much better, as is my felt peace. Turning my head to follow the sun's path is possible, keeping the earth from spinning is not. Sunflowers figured it out, so can I.
HP, help me be the sunflower...
Good Morning Paul thanks for sharing this important distinction. I know for many years , prior to entering program I was on "automatic mode" and "reacted" in the same manner, continually to provocations . I simply thought that I had no other choice and that i was so smart that "thought fast- on my feet ". My sponsor pointed out exactly what this reading is saying ,that by "Reacting" I was giving my power away and was not really "thinking" at all. Taking the time to stop, myself, repeat a slogan in my head kept me from being "on automatic" and provided me with enough time lto learn how to respond in a positive self vaiidating manner .
It is nice being a "sunflower".
-
Pre-program I didn't even know that there was a difference between reacting and responding. Looking back, it seems like almost everything I did was a reaction...which means, so many of my choices were entirely dictated by what someone else said or did. Any wonder I was so angry, frustrated and felt completely helpless! Taking my time to respond in the way that is right for me is, as you point out, so very empowering.
Thanks for your ever thought-provoking insights!!
So, when I 'found it' (he's kept it hidden) and asked about it - he lied. I knew he was not being honest and I just let it go. I've tried to talk about how destructive and damaging dishonesty and sneaking is in a relationship and he exploded. All of this is old behavior for me and him!!!
So - back to Step 1 I am today reminding myself that I truly am powerless over so, so many things. My sponsor tells me over and over and over again that when I have slips, it's good to recognize what's improved. I can say that I was calm, and did the best I could to speak to how I feel and felt when I discovered his deception. I did not react when he exploded. Of course, I need to also look at my part - which I am doing so.
I am grateful today for our program, and those of you that enhance mine with stellar ESH!!! I am one who wants to be different, experience difference and live differently - and you are the words of my HP often/always.
Paul - it's so funny that you brought up the Sunflower....when I was a little kid, we had a garden. My dad let us each pick out something to 'grow' in the garden. My brothers all picked a veggie and I picked the Sunflower (I love sunflower seeds....always have and always will). He tried to influence me to change it and I was adamant about my choice. He did as promised and planted some Sunflowers.
Those darn things grew taller than all other items. As they follow the sun and grow largely, they create a ton of shade. Needless to say, they also germinate easily and abundantly. He was NEVER able to rid the garden of Sunflowers, try as he may!!! Year after year after year, they returned and cast shade on other plants that needed the sun for their own existence. I still hear about my choice - the Sunflower - when we talk about 'Do you remember when....' They are huge, beautiful and really fun to watch grow.
(((Hugs))) - make it a great Monday all!
This is my very first time on this board and after reading many posts here, I feel I really belong.
I love the visual image of recognizing myself as the Sunflower, keeping my face turned toward the good and the beautiful, in the midst of the awful difficulty of being married to an AH, who I love very much, but am having a harder and harder time connecting with.
We are on a radical roller coaster in which his evening drinking, mainly of his huge volume intake of Jagermeister, (which he grew up on in Germany, available to anyone taller than the bar), and anything I say will trigger a nastiness almost each night. Then he is so kind and sweet in the morning, and I am "hung-over" from the horrible interactions of the night before, that I find it hard to even smile.
I love him so much but Alcoholism has run in his family for many generations, so many of them feel this is just how they were meant to be born. My AH even said that if it were not for me, feeding him healthy food, giving him lots of vitamins, including B-1, which helps protect the liver in alcoholics, he would be dead by now. He is 56, two years older than his brother was when he died of many complications of alcoholism.
Every single day, I am trying to see this chronic, impossible to change attitude and behavior from him as the PREFECT REMINDER of my own needs to take my seat, literally, moment to moment, with meditation and connecting to the HP (Buddha for moi), as what I am in this life for. By somehow finding compassion for him and all those like him, who are on their own inevitable path, I have no other choice after all these years but to meditate and BE my own stillness within.
Thanks for "listening" and I wish you all a beautiful New Year.
Dechen
-- Edited by Dechen on Monday 9th of January 2017 01:53:32 PM
Aloha Paul and thanks for more ESH in recovery that will help me to stay on course and grow. "When we know better we do better" is what has been often mentioned in the fellowship and for me that is an axiom that has caused me to listen with my ear, eyes, senses and experiences. Our program is loaded with teachers and I am forever grateful to my HP for helping me find the front door of it. (((hugs)))
In fact, I have never seen a live sunflower plant, nor thought about how their size and sun orientation could block out everything beneath them; interesting...It seems there are helpful takeaways from the sunflower example, and things to watch out for, like don't plant short vegetation under them because they hog the sun. Good to remember!
Welcome, Dechen, you certainly do belong and we're so glad you found us! The AlAnon program and this fellowship has much to offer, I look forward to having you as part of the group. Hang in there, and keep coming back