My husband destroyed our friendships, his career, his body (he looks like a skeleton with skin), and, his brain, our relationship when he relapsed while I was pregnant near 4 years ago now. When I discovered what was really going on with him, I kicked him out of the house. I was 7 months pregnant and we have older children as well. He cleaned up when our son was about 6 months old after I told him I was going to file for divorce and he saw me with a male friend. since then he's used once that I know of when he ran out of his suboxone over the first Christmas back at home. He works and has no social life, so I'm pr sure he's clean, but I was fooled before. Anyways, I've recently been doing a lot more deep therapy and I know things have shifted in my head- I'm thinking about some things in a different way. And I've realized I'm really, really angry with him. I find myself thinking "I hate you!" so many times throughout the day. I don't know what to do. If I didn't have the kids to think about, I'd probably leave him, but I do need to think about them.
What do I do with all of this anger?
Jerry F said
Jan 8, 2017
((((V)))) welcome to the family and the MIP board...keep coming back because this is the place where you will get so much experience, strength and hope to help you thru this incurable family disease. I remember using the "hate" method on my own alcoholic/addict wife and our situation got worse. I could not get the wound to heal by hitting it with a rock and so I quit reacting that way. The hate method turns a match to a forest fire and so I was helped to stop that method. I found the Al-Anon Family Groups in my town after an original try and then brought my participation in the disease to an end. I changed focus from "on her" to "on me" because my hate wasn't only reserved for her. I accepted a lot of it myself and the consequence for anger turned inward is depression. Depression is also one of the large symptoms of "our" did-ease and it can also be fatal if not arrested.
Look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area. Also there are two online meetings daily at this MIP site and the board is always open. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
milkwood said
Jan 8, 2017
Welcome to MIP ValentineB, this is a great place and I'm so pleased that you found us.
I understand that anger - alcoholism affects us deeply and living in proximity to it has wrenched my heart many times. I agree with what Jerry says about anger turned inwards turns to depression and that is a difficult hole to get out of. When I realised that I promised myself that I would take good care of myself, regardless of what my husband was doing. Hating him made me feel bad about myself, how could I dislike the man I was married to so strongly and maintain my self esteem? I couldn't and that is how I turned my anger against myself. So for me it became really important that I do things to take care of myself while my husband is in the grips of alcoholism. It started with painting my nails, or going on long beautiful walks. I contacted friends. I made new friends. I had a hot bath. I brought a nice top. I took holidays when things were very bad.
I also reached out on this board, and went to face to face Al Anon meetings where I met others who understood better than I did. I did not need to explain, they just understood. We are not alone on this journey.
Feeling anger is a sign to take care of ourselves. We don't have to make major decisions immediately - we can build up our strength again and take it one day at a time.
What to do with that anger? You've already acknowledged it, which is great! I found that doing something loving for myself was the next right thing for me. Sending (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Jan 8, 2017
(((ValentineB))) - hugs to you....welcome to MIP - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I can so relate to the feelings of hatred for my AH. When I arrived at Al-Anon, I was full of hate and not only pointed his way. I was also full of distorted thinking and thought that 'he' was the only issue. Al-Anon told me to keep my focus on me, and to work on myself....which irritated me to no end as I was in denial that I/my actions played a part in the insanity of our lives.
I came back with much more negativity - the hatred was now complete numbness and I was so broken and defeated. Al-anon gave me back my spirit, my joy and my sanity. My hope is you will find some meetings and check it out - there is a ton of hope and help in recovery.
Keep coming back - so glad you're here!
Lyne said
Jan 8, 2017
I'm not sure I can add much to the excellent 3 shares already written, but I certainly understand your anger, hatred, confusion about what to do, etc. I had gotten really sick myself, along with my A, but couldn't see it. I came to Alanon to learn how to fix my A, and instead I am learning how to fix myself. It was quite a concept for me to grasp at first, but over 3 years in recovery now, I have gained myself as a best friend. I am still with my A, 25 years, but I am getting better. So give us a try. Help is here! Lyne
ValentineB said
Jan 8, 2017
Thanks so much everyone! I appreciate the welcoming and kind words. I've been working on myself and focusing on what I can do for my part for the last 4 years. My DH seems to think all he needs to do is go to work and not get high and life should be great, but he makes almost no attempt to be involved in life outside of work. I'm tires of always being the one to do literally everything else. I'm tired of one sided conversations and zero intellectual or sexual stimuli. It's like he's had a lobotomy. I fee like I'm sticking this out because maybe it's best for him and the kids while I know it's not what's best for my one life. I have three kids, so getting to meetings consistently is nearly impossible.
milkwood said
Jan 9, 2017
Good morning Valentine, it is good to hear that you are working on yourself and thinking about what you like. Those one sided conversations are can be exhausting can't they?! I spent a few months writing in a journal - and would always finish my daily writing with a list of the three best things in my day. This helped me to focus on what I enjoyed and made it easier for me to seek out more positives in my life.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this terrible disease, it is a horrible situation. At the end of the day I found that I didn't have to let it take over my life. I thought about what I would be doing if I was single and not dating and I figured that I could practise living that way regardless of what my husband was doing. In a way it was a bit like getting back in touch with myself and honouring me!! I had forgotten that I had choices - who knew!!! ((((hugs))))
ValentineB said
Jan 9, 2017
Thank you so much for saying this! I can't express how much I appreciate it. Thank you.
milkwood said
Jan 9, 2017
Thank you as well - it does me good to be reminded of what works for me as well! Have a good day Valentine ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Jan 9, 2017
I hated mine too. I was full of resentment, bitterness, blame, the lot. The only problem with all the negativity is that it hurts us. We are miserable day in day out and the clock just keeps ticking and we get older and older and nothing changes. But there is hope, change is possible on all levels, there are many here who got it and are living lives with happiness and joy and are living to the full as life is supposed to be. I got a better life going to alanon meetings, working the steps, reading the daily readers. Its right there for the taking. I hope you give yourself and your family that gift.
KT2015 said
Jan 9, 2017
You got some great responses here. I was so full of anger and resentment towards my AH when I came to Al Anon I felt like I was choking on it sometimes. The anger and resentments didn't help me but they were my only survival tools so I embraced them and my life was pretty miserable. Attending Al Anon meetings, coming to this board, reading the literature and eventually getting a sponsor really helped me a whole lot. The program sunk in for me little by little I made minor changes and adjustments. I was able to let go of most of that toxic anger and I am grateful for that. I shared your feelings of feeling trapped. The program showed me that I did have options and choices. It happened a little bit at a time. Bit by bit I started to get better, happier and feel more alive.
I appreciate your honest share about your feelings. Get to meetings when you can. Read and learn all you can about the program and keep coming back. You're worth it.
Welcome to the board!
What do I do with all of this anger?
((((V)))) welcome to the family and the MIP board...keep coming back because this is the place where you will get so much experience, strength and hope to help you thru this incurable family disease. I remember using the "hate" method on my own alcoholic/addict wife and our situation got worse. I could not get the wound to heal by hitting it with a rock and so I quit reacting that way. The hate method turns a match to a forest fire and so I was helped to stop that method. I found the Al-Anon Family Groups in my town after an original try and then brought my participation in the disease to an end. I changed focus from "on her" to "on me" because my hate wasn't only reserved for her. I accepted a lot of it myself and the consequence for anger turned inward is depression. Depression is also one of the large symptoms of "our" did-ease and it can also be fatal if not arrested.
Look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area. Also there are two online meetings daily at this MIP site and the board is always open. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I understand that anger - alcoholism affects us deeply and living in proximity to it has wrenched my heart many times. I agree with what Jerry says about anger turned inwards turns to depression and that is a difficult hole to get out of. When I realised that I promised myself that I would take good care of myself, regardless of what my husband was doing. Hating him made me feel bad about myself, how could I dislike the man I was married to so strongly and maintain my self esteem? I couldn't and that is how I turned my anger against myself. So for me it became really important that I do things to take care of myself while my husband is in the grips of alcoholism. It started with painting my nails, or going on long beautiful walks. I contacted friends. I made new friends. I had a hot bath. I brought a nice top. I took holidays when things were very bad.
I also reached out on this board, and went to face to face Al Anon meetings where I met others who understood better than I did. I did not need to explain, they just understood. We are not alone on this journey.
Feeling anger is a sign to take care of ourselves. We don't have to make major decisions immediately - we can build up our strength again and take it one day at a time.
What to do with that anger? You've already acknowledged it, which is great! I found that doing something loving for myself was the next right thing for me. Sending (((((hugs)))))
I came back with much more negativity - the hatred was now complete numbness and I was so broken and defeated. Al-anon gave me back my spirit, my joy and my sanity. My hope is you will find some meetings and check it out - there is a ton of hope and help in recovery.
Keep coming back - so glad you're here!
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this terrible disease, it is a horrible situation. At the end of the day I found that I didn't have to let it take over my life. I thought about what I would be doing if I was single and not dating and I figured that I could practise living that way regardless of what my husband was doing. In a way it was a bit like getting back in touch with myself and honouring me!! I had forgotten that I had choices - who knew!!! ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much for saying this! I can't express how much I appreciate it. Thank you.
I hated mine too. I was full of resentment, bitterness, blame, the lot. The only problem with all the negativity is that it hurts us. We are miserable day in day out and the clock just keeps ticking and we get older and older and nothing changes. But there is hope, change is possible on all levels, there are many here who got it and are living lives with happiness and joy and are living to the full as life is supposed to be. I got a better life going to alanon meetings, working the steps, reading the daily readers. Its right there for the taking. I hope you give yourself and your family that gift.
I appreciate your honest share about your feelings. Get to meetings when you can. Read and learn all you can about the program and keep coming back. You're worth it.
Welcome to the board!