Thank you for reading this. my fiancée is six years sober from alcohol and last night we had a problem when I took her to a coworkers DJ performance at a bar
We talked about the event many times, she even said she didn't mind if I had a drink ( I'm not an alcoholic or even a big drinker) but when we arrived the smells overwhelmed her, the loud atmosphere overwhelmed her, and when I stepped inside to order our drinks a group of men approached her and spilled beer. She was upset enough that she had to wait in the car as I went to say goodbye to my coworker and finished both of our drinks ( my Bloody Mary and her Shirley temple). She was upset that I drank and that she had to drive, crying she told me that she wishes she could have a drink too. At home we sort of talked about how we now know we can't go to music festivals or concerts or bars etc. together. She's still sad and I feel helpless. Please give me advice on how to better support her. I don't mind not ever drinking in front of her, especially if that's what she needs to stay sober. Am I supposed to live a life completely alcohol free too now? Thank you for reading
Iamhere said
Jan 7, 2017
Dfinneman - hello and welcome to MIP. Glad that you found us and glad that you shared.
If she is sober without support (AA or another recovery group), I'd encourage her to attend meetings. I've been sober in AA (also an Al-Anon member) for a few 24 hours, and can share that it's so much better with a support system/fellowship. When I am tempted, I can find others who truly understand the temptations, the triggers, the fears, etc.
Nobody but she can keep her sober. Only she can protect herself from the first drink as well as the slippery slopes. I also recommend you search out and attend Al-Anon meetings - this will help you learn how to support her without loosing yourself or enabling her.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Jerry F said
Jan 7, 2017
Aloha D...you get to make your own decisions and we don't give advice tho we will share experiences with you. If you decide to drink or not is your choice and your gfriend makes her own with more information on what it is like being an alcoholic which is serious as alcoholism is a fatal disease with can only be arrested by total abstinence. In-arrested alcoholism results in insanity and/or death...learn as very much as you can about this disease cause living with it is just as dangerous as having it. Alcoholics who choose to drink again play the game of Russian roulette. I am a member of both AA and Al-Anon and was born and raised in the disease. I could not or actually would not drink with my alcoholic/addict wife because part of our relationship was that she chased my drinking...wanting to drink like I did. Last time I saw her she was sober and healthy thank God.
How can we help you...stick around us daily....come here and read and post your own Experiences, Strengths and Hopes and we can do this together. ((((hugs))))
serenity47 said
Jan 9, 2017
As mentioned , you get to decide if you want to live a life free from alcohol or not. For me, I simply am not comfortable drinking any alcohol around my recovering AD. She to said she does not mind but I do. It practically destroyed her and me as well and frankly it just isn't that important to me. She is only one year sober and I know it is uncomfortable for her in those situations but there is nothing that I can do to ease that. She has to manage it. The best people to support her are fellow AA members who know exactly what she is experiencing. You sound like you are already a very supportive partner to her.
Dfinneman said
Jan 9, 2017
Thank you so much for your kind replies, I appreciate all your support.
She feels that AA the program would be disinclusive of us both, as we both are Medical Marijuana patients. We spoke about the incident two days after it happened, she had to process. I shared with her that maybe she experienced triggers (smells and loud, overly intoxicated folks) that she did not have the tools to handle. She and I talked about what she called "a Master Disaster Plan" and decided we should come up with one to have for when we're next confronted with triggers or the worst case scenario. I'm not sure she even knew she had triggers.
She spoke about re-integrating social drinking into her life once she is 10 years sober - specifically, our wedding year is 2020 and would be ten years for her. I am apprehensive about that idea, and we have discussed maybe speaking with a drug and alcohol counselor together rather than attend an AA meeting where we'd be auto-disqualified as MMJ patients.
Again, thank you for your kind support. I will be back to touch on this thread when needed <3
Liz14 said
Jan 11, 2017
Hi dfinneman,
Whether or not you drink is totally your choice. I made my choice and decided that I wouldn't be comfortable drinking around my husband.
6 months ago, alcohol almost killed my husband. He is now 6 month into recovery. We have been together for 41 years and alcohol has been in our lives from the start. I enjoy a glass or two of wine, but have chosen not to drink around my husband or have alcohol in our home. (I will have a glass when I am out with the girls, but that's it.) He says that he wouldn't mind if we had it in the house, but I choose not to have it here. MY choice!!! And I figure, why subject him to it. What if he has a really bad day or something. That's like leaving money in front of a poor, starving person and expecting them to not to take it.
Anyway....
My husband is also a Medical Marijuana patient and attends AA meetings and regular group substance abuse counseling (yes, his counselor knows and finds no problem with it). He uses it for several physical and mental issues (PTSD, pain, tinnitus, etc.) and it truly helps him. I attend Al Anon weekly and visit this forum between meetings.
Please reconsider participation in AA for your fiancee and Al Anon for yourself.
The only requirement for Al Anon membership "...is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." (Tradition 3)
"The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." (Tradition 3 of AA)
Now that being said, and this is my opinion only, based on my own beliefs: I do not believe that Medical MJ is a disqualifier for anyone seeking recovery in either group. This is based on my understanding of and belief in Tradition 10 of both groups that states, "(Al Anon & AA) have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy." I would say that MMJ is an outside issue and therefore has no place for opinion in AA or Al Anon. Would we question painkillers, Provac, Xanax, coffee, cigarettes, etc. and consider them disqualifiers, too? If MJ, like other drugs, is prescribed by a physician, then where is the issue?
AA & Al Anon's job is not to judge someone's worthiness or qualifiers for membership, but to support and encourage recovery for alcoholics and their loved ones through shared experiences, strength, and healing.
I can only speak from my own limited experience, but I highly recommend Al Anon and AA. Our participation in both of these groups have been indispensable in transforming our lives!!!
Skorpi said
Jan 11, 2017
Hi Dfinneman,
You have some great and positive replies above! I can add only a few things from my own experience.
My AW has tried to moderate her drinking in the past. It worked so well for her that she got a third DUI, and I lost all control of my life and respect for myself as a result in living in that situation. Now, the court system is helping her to stay sober. At first, I was very resentful that we could not have any alcohol in the house (whether she was there or not), and that I couldn't be in the house if I had even one drink. She has been sober for over a year now, attending treatment and sometimes AA. I have been involved in AlAnon for just shy of two years.
Things are different and better than I could have imagined. The things that made the most difference for me were letting go of my wife's disease and her decisions around it. That gave her permission to take responsibility for herself and her decisions. And, it gave me permission to make decisions that are right for me, and to follow through. She is talking now about drinking not being worth it, and that she cannot imagine wanting to go back to that lifestyle. I do not find drinking necessary, around her or at all. My resentment, it turns out, was about being told what to or not to do, and had nothing to do with any real desire for the alcohol itself.
We talk often about our triggers. She has things that trigger cravings, and there are things that trigger memories and negative emotions in me. It is healthier for us both if we avoid concerts, bars, and sports pubs. And, although she says it is ok with her if I were to have a drink in front of her, I just don't find it important to me to do so. Since I am equally happy with tea or soda, I drink that instead.
Walking into a meeting, whether AA or Alanon, take a lot of inner strength and guts, or pure desperation. In my case, I needed desperation and courage to walk through the door to my first meeting. I expected to have to prove that I needed to be there, or that I was worthy of attending. Those fears of exclusion, I discovered, were fears I had constructed in my own head. No one at a meeting has ever made me feel that I don't belong. One of my favorite sayings is "take what you like and leave the rest". I found that HP has a way of making sure I hear what I need to hear when the time is right.
If I were to give you any advice, I would suggest that you keep coming back, that you find a face-to-face meeting that you like and attend that regularly as well. Your fiancee will decide to attend AA or not, and that decision can live with your fiancee. But please do not let that decision prevent you from making a choice that is right for you.
Maresie25 said
Jan 12, 2017
There are a lot of mediums of recover ACOA has no disqualified. Certainly there are many AS thumpers around who dontbeven believe in taking medication when you have a toothache
One of the issues in any relationship is how much responsibility every party brings
Self care is very difficult. There are some places you can get assistance for self care. Others are a real learning curve.
For me personally I.cannot be in the kind of very dependent relationship I once had. I have to acknowledge my own trust issues. I also struggle valiantly with self care. I am in no position to take on someone else's self care
Of course boundaries have not been my forte
I know one of my consistent patterns is to find a catastrophe and focus my life around it
One of my dear friends committed suicide over the holidays
I have definitely struggled really hard and am actively grieving
At the same time I do have emotional.space to live and work on other issues
Managing triggers is a huge isdue, acknowledging triggers is a very big issue. Yet for me one of the hallmarks of recovery is my quality of life. I have a good quality of life inspite of
Catastrophe. In fact these days catastrophe inspires me to take even better care of myself
Matesie45
MomInMo said
Jan 14, 2017
Medicine (even pot medicine) isn't a disqualifier. Sounds like an excuse for her to not go. Also, saying she'll go back to social drinking in a couple of years sounds like denial. Sorry, I'm sure I'm breaking all kinds of rules by saying this - but I can't imagine anything more fun than getting married and having my new spouse take up their addiction on our honeymoon. Holy crap. Sorry, I'm sure I'm not doing this right. Either way, whatever she decides to do, you guys take care of you. I would encourage you to get to a face to face Al-anon meeting. Most are way better at responding than what I just did here. :)
Thank you for reading this. my fiancée is six years sober from alcohol and last night we had a problem when I took her to a coworkers DJ performance at a bar
We talked about the event many times, she even said she didn't mind if I had a drink ( I'm not an alcoholic or even a big drinker) but when we arrived the smells overwhelmed her, the loud atmosphere overwhelmed her, and when I stepped inside to order our drinks a group of men approached her and spilled beer. She was upset enough that she had to wait in the car as I went to say goodbye to my coworker and finished both of our drinks ( my Bloody Mary and her Shirley temple). She was upset that I drank and that she had to drive, crying she told me that she wishes she could have a drink too. At home we sort of talked about how we now know we can't go to music festivals or concerts or bars etc. together. She's still sad and I feel helpless. Please give me advice on how to better support her. I don't mind not ever drinking in front of her, especially if that's what she needs to stay sober. Am I supposed to live a life completely alcohol free too now? Thank you for reading
If she is sober without support (AA or another recovery group), I'd encourage her to attend meetings. I've been sober in AA (also an Al-Anon member) for a few 24 hours, and can share that it's so much better with a support system/fellowship. When I am tempted, I can find others who truly understand the temptations, the triggers, the fears, etc.
Nobody but she can keep her sober. Only she can protect herself from the first drink as well as the slippery slopes. I also recommend you search out and attend Al-Anon meetings - this will help you learn how to support her without loosing yourself or enabling her.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Aloha D...you get to make your own decisions and we don't give advice tho we will share experiences with you. If you decide to drink or not is your choice and your gfriend makes her own with more information on what it is like being an alcoholic which is serious as alcoholism is a fatal disease with can only be arrested by total abstinence. In-arrested alcoholism results in insanity and/or death...learn as very much as you can about this disease cause living with it is just as dangerous as having it. Alcoholics who choose to drink again play the game of Russian roulette. I am a member of both AA and Al-Anon and was born and raised in the disease. I could not or actually would not drink with my alcoholic/addict wife because part of our relationship was that she chased my drinking...wanting to drink like I did. Last time I saw her she was sober and healthy thank God.
How can we help you...stick around us daily....come here and read and post your own Experiences, Strengths and Hopes and we can do this together. ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much for your kind replies, I appreciate all your support.
She feels that AA the program would be disinclusive of us both, as we both are Medical Marijuana patients. We spoke about the incident two days after it happened, she had to process. I shared with her that maybe she experienced triggers (smells and loud, overly intoxicated folks) that she did not have the tools to handle. She and I talked about what she called "a Master Disaster Plan" and decided we should come up with one to have for when we're next confronted with triggers or the worst case scenario. I'm not sure she even knew she had triggers.
She spoke about re-integrating social drinking into her life once she is 10 years sober - specifically, our wedding year is 2020 and would be ten years for her. I am apprehensive about that idea, and we have discussed maybe speaking with a drug and alcohol counselor together rather than attend an AA meeting where we'd be auto-disqualified as MMJ patients.
Again, thank you for your kind support. I will be back to touch on this thread when needed <3
Whether or not you drink is totally your choice. I made my choice and decided that I wouldn't be comfortable drinking around my husband.
6 months ago, alcohol almost killed my husband. He is now 6 month into recovery. We have been together for 41 years and alcohol has been in our lives from the start. I enjoy a glass or two of wine, but have chosen not to drink around my husband or have alcohol in our home. (I will have a glass when I am out with the girls, but that's it.) He says that he wouldn't mind if we had it in the house, but I choose not to have it here. MY choice!!! And I figure, why subject him to it. What if he has a really bad day or something. That's like leaving money in front of a poor, starving person and expecting them to not to take it.
Anyway....
My husband is also a Medical Marijuana patient and attends AA meetings and regular group substance abuse counseling (yes, his counselor knows and finds no problem with it). He uses it for several physical and mental issues (PTSD, pain, tinnitus, etc.) and it truly helps him. I attend Al Anon weekly and visit this forum between meetings.
Please reconsider participation in AA for your fiancee and Al Anon for yourself.
The only requirement for Al Anon membership "...is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." (Tradition 3)
"The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." (Tradition 3 of AA)
Now that being said, and this is my opinion only, based on my own beliefs: I do not believe that Medical MJ is a disqualifier for anyone seeking recovery in either group. This is based on my understanding of and belief in Tradition 10 of both groups that states, "(Al Anon & AA) have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy." I would say that MMJ is an outside issue and therefore has no place for opinion in AA or Al Anon. Would we question painkillers, Provac, Xanax, coffee, cigarettes, etc. and consider them disqualifiers, too? If MJ, like other drugs, is prescribed by a physician, then where is the issue?
AA & Al Anon's job is not to judge someone's worthiness or qualifiers for membership, but to support and encourage recovery for alcoholics and their loved ones through shared experiences, strength, and healing.
I can only speak from my own limited experience, but I highly recommend Al Anon and AA. Our participation in both of these groups have been indispensable in transforming our lives!!!
You have some great and positive replies above! I can add only a few things from my own experience.
My AW has tried to moderate her drinking in the past. It worked so well for her that she got a third DUI, and I lost all control of my life and respect for myself as a result in living in that situation. Now, the court system is helping her to stay sober. At first, I was very resentful that we could not have any alcohol in the house (whether she was there or not), and that I couldn't be in the house if I had even one drink. She has been sober for over a year now, attending treatment and sometimes AA. I have been involved in AlAnon for just shy of two years.
Things are different and better than I could have imagined. The things that made the most difference for me were letting go of my wife's disease and her decisions around it. That gave her permission to take responsibility for herself and her decisions. And, it gave me permission to make decisions that are right for me, and to follow through. She is talking now about drinking not being worth it, and that she cannot imagine wanting to go back to that lifestyle. I do not find drinking necessary, around her or at all. My resentment, it turns out, was about being told what to or not to do, and had nothing to do with any real desire for the alcohol itself.
We talk often about our triggers. She has things that trigger cravings, and there are things that trigger memories and negative emotions in me. It is healthier for us both if we avoid concerts, bars, and sports pubs. And, although she says it is ok with her if I were to have a drink in front of her, I just don't find it important to me to do so. Since I am equally happy with tea or soda, I drink that instead.
Walking into a meeting, whether AA or Alanon, take a lot of inner strength and guts, or pure desperation. In my case, I needed desperation and courage to walk through the door to my first meeting. I expected to have to prove that I needed to be there, or that I was worthy of attending. Those fears of exclusion, I discovered, were fears I had constructed in my own head. No one at a meeting has ever made me feel that I don't belong. One of my favorite sayings is "take what you like and leave the rest". I found that HP has a way of making sure I hear what I need to hear when the time is right.
If I were to give you any advice, I would suggest that you keep coming back, that you find a face-to-face meeting that you like and attend that regularly as well. Your fiancee will decide to attend AA or not, and that decision can live with your fiancee. But please do not let that decision prevent you from making a choice that is right for you.
One of the issues in any relationship is how much responsibility every party brings
Self care is very difficult. There are some places you can get assistance for self care. Others are a real learning curve.
For me personally I.cannot be in the kind of very dependent relationship I once had. I have to acknowledge my own trust issues. I also struggle valiantly with self care. I am in no position to take on someone else's self care
Of course boundaries have not been my forte
I know one of my consistent patterns is to find a catastrophe and focus my life around it
One of my dear friends committed suicide over the holidays
I have definitely struggled really hard and am actively grieving
At the same time I do have emotional.space to live and work on other issues
Managing triggers is a huge isdue, acknowledging triggers is a very big issue. Yet for me one of the hallmarks of recovery is my quality of life. I have a good quality of life inspite of
Catastrophe. In fact these days catastrophe inspires me to take even better care of myself
Matesie45