I am new here. I stumbles on your forum while once again trying to find some answers or guidance on the internet. I am truly heart broken...and I feel broken. The depressions my Alcoholic husband has thrown me into just seems never ending...and I need some advice. So, here it goes...thanks for listening.
I am going to make a LONG story as short as possible. I have been married to my husband for 17 years. A few years into the marriage he started drinking more and more...it became a real problem. I am sure that you heard it all before...stay out late or all night...come home the next day. Been arrested due to drinking issues...including a DUI ten years ago. Yep...been there...done that. Many night that he would come home late and keep me awake and not let me sleep...only to have to go into work tired and sleep deprived. On top of that he somehow managed to go to work....at least until 3 years ago. He was drunk in public and while in his drunken state thought it was a great idea to expose his penis to all those around him. (Rolls eyes). He went to jail...lost his good paying job with the city.
Then December last year we were forced to move from our tiny bachelor apartment. The move surprising enough wasn't his doing. The building itself was sold to a new owner...plus the unit we lived in had major roof leaks to were water would just pour in when it rained. (that's a whole other story). The problem was when I was unable to find affordable rent for us and our pet cats. I was the only one working and being in the money.
When we couldn't find anything, one of my best friends let me and my two cats stay at her place but there was no room at her place for my husband, and I will be honest, I did not want to subject my best friend and her two young daughters to his drinking behavior. My husband was homeless, living in our car. It broke my heart!
I continued to apartment hunt but really wasn't getting anywhere. I had money saved up...but the monthly rent would start eating into that savings FAST! I came to the conclusion that in order to get affordable house...I would have to buy my own house! not just for my husband but for me too. I couldn't stay at my friends house forever! So, i thought I would at least try!! I got per-qualified...and started house hunting. which of course he was not only not interested but didn't even want to look at places. and everyone (except my best friend), including my husband kept putting me down and would tell me that there was no way I could get a house on my own.
Between house hunting, last valentines day (Ironically our wedding anniversary), my husband landed himself in the hospital because of alcohol poising and hallucinations. That week...I was there, by his side. And for a short time sobered him up...for awhile...until the hospital stay wasn't such a recent memory.
With the grace of God and a ton of determination...I closed escrow on my first house on April 22ed 2016. and we moved in and my husband no longer was living in a car. Now I moved us from Los Angeles out to Lancaster 70 miles out. Away from all his drinking buddies. That didn't stop him from drinking...and I didn't think it would...but I also thought that it couldn't hurt either. The drinking of course did continue...while I commute 70 miles one way into work and back to bring in the beacon...so to speak. He claims that he has been job hunting or trying to get work....but who knows....maybe he has but so far he still wasn't working.
Then four months ago he decided that he wanted to be sober and clean and get a job. He started going to AA meetings. I was so happy...especially since this was HIS idea! He started drinking coffee like a mad man...but hey...it wasn't alcohol..I would take what I could get...so...I would buy him lots and lots of coffee...even different flavors and brands. But here is the kicker...sober...he has become incredible mean and cruel to me. Not anything physical, just all emotional and verbal. so for the last few months, no matter what I say or do...I am damned if I do...and damned if I don't. Nothing makes this man happy. and the only thing he keeps telling me is how he doesn't want to live with me, be with me, doesn't want to live in the house I bought.
As much as I love him and I do. I love him to the moon and back...I am not going to beg him to stay. and I tell him weather he leaves or stays is his choice...and I love him no matter what he does and I just wish good things for him. But he never leaves...he just keeps telling me that, among other cruel things. The heart break is getting more then I can bear, its effecting every aspect of my life...including my job because I was just too damn depressed to get up and go. He didn't even spend Christmas with me. He left and said that I wasn't real family to him anymore.
I just dont understand how he has become so mean and cruel to me. Especially everything I do is for the good of both of us. Who would have thought a sober husband would be worse!?!?
MomInMo said
Jan 4, 2017
So very sorry. Unreturned love is very painful. I don't know if this helps at all, but yesterday in the Al-anon meeting I went to, they read something that said "going to an alcoholic for live and affection is like going to the hardware store to buy bread". Are you doing the 12 steps for you? They were very, very hard for me. I'm still working on number one. But they have helped at least some.
Arizons said
Jan 4, 2017
No, I am brand new and honestly dont even know the steps or where to start. but for the first time I am ready to start somewhere. I just dont know where to begin.
MissM said
Jan 4, 2017
Hi Arizons.
Unfortunately it's pretty common to hear people report that their alcoholic partner has become meaner/more unbearable sober than they were drunk. There's lots of reasons why that might be the case and none of them are really within your control unfortunately.
Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it- what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.
I'd strongly suggest finding a local al-anon meeting and attending! The support and the tools you will learn will help so much with whatever you decide to do.
Also, my ex A was constantly telling me that he was leaving me as well. He'd even set up fake home inspections etc just to keep me worried. (He threatened to leave me for the entire 10 years we lived together and never actually did). I found the book "Getting Them Sober" explained these kinds of abusive/manipulative tactics that exist within addiction-stricken relationships really well; I was absolutely stunned when I read it and saw it describing all of these scenarios that I thought were so strange and unique to my relationship. I'd highly recommend reading it.
And welcome, by the way!
hotrod said
Jan 4, 2017
Welcome Arizons Glad that you reached out and shared. You are not alone and what has been stated above is so true. Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease that affects the person spiritually, emotionally and physically. Once the drinking stops, the other aspects still need a program of recovery in order to function in a positive manner. AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon was founded to assist family members recover from the devastation of living with the insanity. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Here I was provided with new tools to live by that helped to relieve the depression, while i broke the isolation of livng with the insanity. Learning to live one day at a time, focused on myself, not reacting but responding restored my positive outlook and lead me to new solutions for my life
I urge you to attend and keep coming back here as well. There is hope .
Arizons said
Jan 4, 2017
Thank you for your reply and suggestions. I will do both of those and get that book asap to read as well. sadly I also discovered that he not only found a woman that he can drink with and enable that behavior but has also been having an affair with her. At this point I feel utterly broken and it would be better if he did go. There is no respect or love for me anymore...and conversations are non exsistant....he refuses to even talk to me. Of course, I dont enable that behavior and doesn't want anything to do with me now....its just so sad.
Iamhere said
Jan 4, 2017
Arizons - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. The disease of alcoholism is selfish and self-centered and powerful. I am hopeful you can get to meetings, be gentle to you, realize you are worth it and live moment to moment until you heal.
Know that we are here for you as best we can be. Put you first - you are worth it!!
jitsuka said
Jan 4, 2017
welcome, hope you are OK.
Get yourself along to face-to-face al-anon meetings, this will help you make sense of the illness and also provide you with some emotional support.
The A in my life hasn't been drinking since christmas eve, I hope she will remain sober, however, I do not have any hopes these days after they have been dashed for all these years.
Lillian said
Jan 9, 2017
You didn't cause it, you cant control it, theres no cure for it.Sweety I am so sorry for the hell you are going thru.But it is the nature of the disease.I too live with my beloved alcoholic of 31 years I have found any and all al anon books and literature have finally given me moments of serenity.Might I suggest the following books,Courage to change,,How al anon works for family and friends of alcohalics, and In all our affairs, making crisis work.You deserve some inner peace.I hope these books will help you , as they have me.((you here))))
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2017
Welcome to MIP Lillian - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I love when others on the Al-Anon recovery journey find us and share their ESH! Please keep coming back - (((Hugs))) to you!
Maresie25 said
Jan 9, 2017
I am very glad you are here. Sadly much of the behavior you discuss is pretty common. It is pretty much impossible not to take it personally. When I first got here I would get pretty mad about people telling me to lower my expectations. I would get irate but I have come to see over the years that expectongba really sick person to act responsibly is asking for trouble. Certainly many alcoholics can appear really okay for a long long time. Nevertheless the fact that they continue to drink through catastrophe is a sign that they are not drinking right
For me whenI.am aware someone's thinking is way off I have to change my expectations for them. That doesn't mean putting up with abuse
But what I.have come to see is that expecting commitment from.someone whose life was clearly out of control is a bit #off# on my part.
Certainly I know I want to be compassionate and kind but I have to be in the equation too.
I hope you will look into al.anon. I have to say it's been a long and difficult journey for me. Nevertheless it is a welcome one. I have a clarity about life now and an understanding of how I get in the way
Maresie45
Arizons said
Jan 12, 2017
Hey everyone, thank you so much for your advice, encouragement and compassion. This last week has just been hell. some moments I am ok and others I am crying. I have bought a few Al anon books and am starting to read them and just take not only day by day...but right now I am just going moment to moment right now.
Belive it or not I had a somewhat civil conversation with the woman he is involved with (I know her unfortunately). This woman is double the age of my husband and myself....its just horrible and I don't understand it. But yeah...she made it clear that she isn't going anywhere and my husband has yet (maybe he never will) end it with her.
Part of me feels that I should have kicked him out but I havn't. I am just working on dealing with myself right now....I have small moments of peace....finding inner peace is just easier said then done.
Hello everyone and Happy New Year,
I am new here. I stumbles on your forum while once again trying to find some answers or guidance on the internet. I am truly heart broken...and I feel broken. The depressions my Alcoholic husband has thrown me into just seems never ending...and I need some advice. So, here it goes...thanks for listening.
I am going to make a LONG story as short as possible. I have been married to my husband for 17 years. A few years into the marriage he started drinking more and more...it became a real problem. I am sure that you heard it all before...stay out late or all night...come home the next day. Been arrested due to drinking issues...including a DUI ten years ago. Yep...been there...done that. Many night that he would come home late and keep me awake and not let me sleep...only to have to go into work tired and sleep deprived. On top of that he somehow managed to go to work....at least until 3 years ago. He was drunk in public and while in his drunken state thought it was a great idea to expose his penis to all those around him. (Rolls eyes). He went to jail...lost his good paying job with the city.
Then December last year we were forced to move from our tiny bachelor apartment. The move surprising enough wasn't his doing. The building itself was sold to a new owner...plus the unit we lived in had major roof leaks to were water would just pour in when it rained. (that's a whole other story). The problem was when I was unable to find affordable rent for us and our pet cats. I was the only one working and being in the money.
When we couldn't find anything, one of my best friends let me and my two cats stay at her place but there was no room at her place for my husband, and I will be honest, I did not want to subject my best friend and her two young daughters to his drinking behavior. My husband was homeless, living in our car. It broke my heart!
I continued to apartment hunt but really wasn't getting anywhere. I had money saved up...but the monthly rent would start eating into that savings FAST! I came to the conclusion that in order to get affordable house...I would have to buy my own house! not just for my husband but for me too. I couldn't stay at my friends house forever! So, i thought I would at least try!! I got per-qualified...and started house hunting. which of course he was not only not interested but didn't even want to look at places. and everyone (except my best friend), including my husband kept putting me down and would tell me that there was no way I could get a house on my own.
Between house hunting, last valentines day (Ironically our wedding anniversary), my husband landed himself in the hospital because of alcohol poising and hallucinations. That week...I was there, by his side. And for a short time sobered him up...for awhile...until the hospital stay wasn't such a recent memory.
With the grace of God and a ton of determination...I closed escrow on my first house on April 22ed 2016. and we moved in and my husband no longer was living in a car. Now I moved us from Los Angeles out to Lancaster 70 miles out. Away from all his drinking buddies. That didn't stop him from drinking...and I didn't think it would...but I also thought that it couldn't hurt either. The drinking of course did continue...while I commute 70 miles one way into work and back to bring in the beacon...so to speak. He claims that he has been job hunting or trying to get work....but who knows....maybe he has but so far he still wasn't working.
Then four months ago he decided that he wanted to be sober and clean and get a job. He started going to AA meetings. I was so happy...especially since this was HIS idea! He started drinking coffee like a mad man...but hey...it wasn't alcohol..I would take what I could get...so...I would buy him lots and lots of coffee...even different flavors and brands. But here is the kicker...sober...he has become incredible mean and cruel to me. Not anything physical, just all emotional and verbal. so for the last few months, no matter what I say or do...I am damned if I do...and damned if I don't. Nothing makes this man happy. and the only thing he keeps telling me is how he doesn't want to live with me, be with me, doesn't want to live in the house I bought.
As much as I love him and I do. I love him to the moon and back...I am not going to beg him to stay. and I tell him weather he leaves or stays is his choice...and I love him no matter what he does and I just wish good things for him. But he never leaves...he just keeps telling me that, among other cruel things. The heart break is getting more then I can bear, its effecting every aspect of my life...including my job because I was just too damn depressed to get up and go. He didn't even spend Christmas with me. He left and said that I wasn't real family to him anymore.
I just dont understand how he has become so mean and cruel to me. Especially everything I do is for the good of both of us. Who would have thought a sober husband would be worse!?!?
Unfortunately it's pretty common to hear people report that their alcoholic partner has become meaner/more unbearable sober than they were drunk. There's lots of reasons why that might be the case and none of them are really within your control unfortunately.
Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it- what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.
I'd strongly suggest finding a local al-anon meeting and attending! The support and the tools you will learn will help so much with whatever you decide to do.
Also, my ex A was constantly telling me that he was leaving me as well. He'd even set up fake home inspections etc just to keep me worried. (He threatened to leave me for the entire 10 years we lived together and never actually did). I found the book "Getting Them Sober" explained these kinds of abusive/manipulative tactics that exist within addiction-stricken relationships really well; I was absolutely stunned when I read it and saw it describing all of these scenarios that I thought were so strange and unique to my relationship. I'd highly recommend reading it.
And welcome, by the way!
Welcome Arizons Glad that you reached out and shared. You are not alone and what has been stated above is so true. Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease that affects the person spiritually, emotionally and physically. Once the drinking stops, the other aspects still need a program of recovery in order to function in a positive manner. AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon was founded to assist family members recover from the devastation of living with the insanity. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Here I was provided with new tools to live by that helped to relieve the depression, while i broke the isolation of livng with the insanity. Learning to live one day at a time, focused on myself, not reacting but responding restored my positive outlook and lead me to new solutions for my life
I urge you to attend and keep coming back here as well. There is hope .
Know that we are here for you as best we can be. Put you first - you are worth it!!
Get yourself along to face-to-face al-anon meetings, this will help you make sense of the illness and also provide you with some emotional support.
The A in my life hasn't been drinking since christmas eve, I hope she will remain sober, however, I do not have any hopes these days after they have been dashed for all these years.
You didn't cause it, you cant control it, theres no cure for it.Sweety I am so sorry for the hell you are going thru.But it is the nature of the disease.I too live with my beloved alcoholic of 31 years I have found any and all al anon books and literature have finally given me moments of serenity.Might I suggest the following books,Courage to change,,How al anon works for family and friends of alcohalics, and In all our affairs, making crisis work.You deserve some inner peace.I hope these books will help you , as they have me.((you here))))
I am very glad you are here. Sadly much of the behavior you discuss is pretty common. It is pretty much impossible not to take it personally. When I first got here I would get pretty mad about people telling me to lower my expectations. I would get irate but I have come to see over the years that expectongba really sick person to act responsibly is asking for trouble. Certainly many alcoholics can appear really okay for a long long time. Nevertheless the fact that they continue to drink through catastrophe is a sign that they are not drinking right
For me whenI.am aware someone's thinking is way off I have to change my expectations for them. That doesn't mean putting up with abuse
But what I.have come to see is that expecting commitment from.someone whose life was clearly out of control is a bit #off# on my part.
Certainly I know I want to be compassionate and kind but I have to be in the equation too.
I hope you will look into al.anon. I have to say it's been a long and difficult journey for me. Nevertheless it is a welcome one. I have a clarity about life now and an understanding of how I get in the way
Maresie45
Belive it or not I had a somewhat civil conversation with the woman he is involved with (I know her unfortunately). This woman is double the age of my husband and myself....its just horrible and I don't understand it. But yeah...she made it clear that she isn't going anywhere and my husband has yet (maybe he never will) end it with her.
Part of me feels that I should have kicked him out but I havn't. I am just working on dealing with myself right now....I have small moments of peace....finding inner peace is just easier said then done.