I have been "in the program" of Al-Anon for over a year (it will be 2 years in March). I know I need a sponsor, I know it will aid in my recovery, but it paralyzes me with fear to ask someone to do that for me. Why is it so difficult? I keep thinking the right person hasn't come along and I am not sure if I want to ask anyone to make that commitment to me, and probably more than anything I am afraid to make that commitment myself. I hate asking people to do things for me!
Has anyone else experienced these crazy feelings? How did you overcome the fear? And what exactly will be required of me/them when I do finally ask some one and they accept? Is there some literature that I should read to make this all a bit easier?
It is on my list to try to get this done this year! I am acting like it is a bad thing, and I know it isn't!
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:13:19 PM
Voodoo said
Jan 3, 2017
I'm afraid of picking He wrong person or being told 'no.' I'm interested to hear what others have to say as I know I would benefit greatly from a sponser but don't know who or how to ask.
hotrod said
Jan 3, 2017
((Bethany)) I do completely understand your predicament as years ago I faced the same issue myself.. I do believe it was my distorted need to be independent,to appear strong and not need anyone that prevented me from reaching out for help. It was amazing that I even came to meetings and shared that was all I could do in the beginning.
Keeping an open mind and making the decision to follow the suggestions of the program. I decided to use the slogan; "take the action and let go of the result." I processed the concept of a sponsor and my relationship and what I was willing to do, found someone in program I admired and knew that if it did not work out for both we were free to change our minds. This worked I took the action asked and the person agreed and we have been sponsor sponsee since.
On the other side of the coin, a young lady of about 19 years old asked me to be her sponsor a few years ago. Thinking that she should have somebody closer to her own age, I declined and pointed out the fact that she might be able to connect with somebody her age for a better it. She began to cry and kept saying; "you have to, you have to" Naturally I agreed, and we are still sponsor sponsee to this day and wonder of wonders we connected on a very personal program level and are both growing from the relationship .
There is no right or wrong way to approach the subject. So please pray about it and trust the process .
Bethany66 said
Jan 3, 2017
Thank you Betty. I appreciate your wise words. Pray about it and trust the process.
Freetime said
Jan 3, 2017
I had a lovely sponsor who helped me work steps 1 through 3 until she moved away from my area. She shared with me that it is considered an honor to be asked to sponsor someone. Bethany, perhaps you could consider that you are honoring someone, rather than burdening them with the request.
Once I asked, my sponsor explained her method of sponsoring. We worked on the steps by using the book "Paths to Recovery". Maybe you could take a look at that book.
-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 07:41:54 PM
Jerry F said
Jan 3, 2017
I finally let the program sponsor me until I got over the justifications I had built up to not ask anyone and then when I did, I did it bassackwards. When the program was directing "Men on men and Women on women" I did it woman on Jerry until I was fired by my first sponsor who was very strong. She fired me because when it came to doing my 4th step I brought over a blank piece of paper to her house obviously hoping she would do my step. After she fired me she got me together with Don T. who turned me around and around and helped me to find my sanity and serenity and got me my life back. Since then I have been able to pick my sponsors for the experience they mirror. Don T died about 10 years ago and still walks with me daily. Thank you God for the gift of DON T....and then Charley S and then Kiena B and the entire program. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jan 3, 2017
(((Bethany))) - I have had a few sponsors and my own fear of rejection/failure still raises up when it's time to get another/new sponsor.....*sigh* - at least I now know that it's not ever like I project - I've been told No, and I didn't melt with embarrassment - the person was just too busy. I've also had to 'fire' sponsors and while I built it up to be a drama-fest, that didn't happen either.
One thing the other side of the house does which I love is at the close of all meetings, they ask for a show of hands of those willing to be a sponsor (temporary or other-wise) for others. That gives those who are new or looking for a different sponsor insight into who is available. I've also seen members ask the leader before the meeting to help them put out feelers for sponsorship. It can be very frightening to just ask a stranger, but it's also a part of our growth - reaching out and asking for help for so many of us has proven to be hard....so very hard!
This last time, I started watching others in meetings. I looked for someone who had what I wanted. I then watched for a bit just to be certain of consistency - how one is in a meeting should be aligned with before/after meetings (I despise gossip, judgment, inflated ego, etc.) I then just 'bit the bullet' and asked.
This is another area where I believe HP leads us and things happen as they are supposed to! I did say tons of prayers before, during and after! - You got this!!
MomInMo said
Jan 4, 2017
To piggy back - how long should you wait before asking for a sponsor? Like how long time or how much work so far or what?
Skorpi said
Jan 4, 2017
I have been in the program for close to two years, and I do not have a sponsor yet. In part, I think that is location-based (rural) and when and where I can attend meetings. Most of my meetings are made up of men who have been in the program for decades, and women who are brand new to the program. One of my meetings is a new group, and they don't work with sponsors yet at all, as the whole group is going through the steps together.
I worried a lot that I wasn't going to make progress without a sponsor, and that I HAD to have one, but I haven't felt a comfortable connection with anyone quite yet, and I do worry about the potential gender difference with some of the people I felt might be candidates. I think that when I am ready, the right sponsor will "appear." And, in the meantime, I am content that my meeting sizes (2-8 people, typically) allow everyone to share and to ask for the support they need at each meeting.
KT2015 said
Jan 4, 2017
I have been in the program for a year and a half. I was very torn between wanting the help of a sponsor and not wanting to appear needy or face rejection. One person in the program kept encouraging me to get a sponsor and his perception of a sponsor was not what I wanted. He had all these rules in place eg. he told me that I had to call my sponsor every day. I think he wanted to be my sponsor but I just didn't feel a good connection. I decided to just keep an open mind and to ask someone I thought I could work with. I reminded myself that it didn't have to be forever and I could change sponsors if I wanted to. I started to pay more attention to those in my meeting. I knew I wanted to ask someone who had been in the program for a while and who had a lot more recovery than me. Two things struck me about my sponsor when I listened she talked about having fun and making the best out of the basic day to day things. She had a lot of gratitude for the small things, the small moments with people and she was happy. I really wanted that. She also said once in a meeting "no matter what you have done everyone deserves to be loved" and that really struck me at that moment. I asked her and she suggested we try it out and see how it works. She didn't demand anything of me. She met me where I was at and willing to work from. I only wanted to talk once a week and she was ok with that. We decided together how to work the steps. She guides me but she works them along with me. At first it felt awkward and I wasn't sure how it would work but things got better the more we talked. We meet weekly sometimes in person sometimes over the phone and we go through the Paths to Recovery book or sometimes we just talk about what is going on. She has helped me progress so much further than I could have on my own. What is amazing about it is she has a completely different perspective than I do on things. Where I am harsh with myself she encourages me to be more kind to myself. When I am pissed at my AH she shares how destructive that anger has been in her life. She validates my feelings and then helps me process them. She makes me laugh at myself and I love that part. She is patient when I withdraw. I hope that you do find a sponsor as helpful as mine. It took a lot of vulnerability for me to ask for her help but it was worth the reward. I am blessed to have her in my life.
I have been "in the program" of Al-Anon for over a year (it will be 2 years in March). I know I need a sponsor, I know it will aid in my recovery, but it paralyzes me with fear to ask someone to do that for me. Why is it so difficult? I keep thinking the right person hasn't come along and I am not sure if I want to ask anyone to make that commitment to me, and probably more than anything I am afraid to make that commitment myself. I hate asking people to do things for me!
Has anyone else experienced these crazy feelings? How did you overcome the fear? And what exactly will be required of me/them when I do finally ask some one and they accept? Is there some literature that I should read to make this all a bit easier?
It is on my list to try to get this done this year! I am acting like it is a bad thing, and I know it isn't!
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:13:19 PM
((Bethany)) I do completely understand your predicament as years ago I faced the same issue myself.. I do believe it was my distorted need to be independent,to appear strong and not need anyone that prevented me from reaching out for help. It was amazing that I even came to meetings and shared that was all I could do in the beginning.
Keeping an open mind and making the decision to follow the suggestions of the program. I decided to use the slogan; "take the action and let go of the result." I processed the concept of a sponsor and my relationship and what I was willing to do, found someone in program I admired and knew that if it did not work out for both we were free to change our minds. This worked I took the action asked and the person agreed and we have been sponsor sponsee since.
On the other side of the coin, a young lady of about 19 years old asked me to be her sponsor a few years ago. Thinking that she should have somebody closer to her own age, I declined and pointed out the fact that she might be able to connect with somebody her age for a better it. She began to cry and kept saying; "you have to, you have to" Naturally I agreed, and we are still sponsor sponsee to this day and wonder of wonders we connected on a very personal program level and are both growing from the relationship .
There is no right or wrong way to approach the subject. So please pray about it and trust the process .
I had a lovely sponsor who helped me work steps 1 through 3 until she moved away from my area. She shared with me that it is considered an honor to be asked to sponsor someone. Bethany, perhaps you could consider that you are honoring someone, rather than burdening them with the request.
Once I asked, my sponsor explained her method of sponsoring. We worked on the steps by using the book "Paths to Recovery". Maybe you could take a look at that book.
-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 07:41:54 PM
I finally let the program sponsor me until I got over the justifications I had built up to not ask anyone and then when I did, I did it bassackwards. When the program was directing "Men on men and Women on women" I did it woman on Jerry until I was fired by my first sponsor who was very strong. She fired me because when it came to doing my 4th step I brought over a blank piece of paper to her house obviously hoping she would do my step. After she fired me she got me together with Don T. who turned me around and around and helped me to find my sanity and serenity and got me my life back. Since then I have been able to pick my sponsors for the experience they mirror. Don T died about 10 years ago and still walks with me daily. Thank you God for the gift of DON T....and then Charley S and then Kiena B and the entire program. (((hugs)))
One thing the other side of the house does which I love is at the close of all meetings, they ask for a show of hands of those willing to be a sponsor (temporary or other-wise) for others. That gives those who are new or looking for a different sponsor insight into who is available. I've also seen members ask the leader before the meeting to help them put out feelers for sponsorship. It can be very frightening to just ask a stranger, but it's also a part of our growth - reaching out and asking for help for so many of us has proven to be hard....so very hard!
This last time, I started watching others in meetings. I looked for someone who had what I wanted. I then watched for a bit just to be certain of consistency - how one is in a meeting should be aligned with before/after meetings (I despise gossip, judgment, inflated ego, etc.) I then just 'bit the bullet' and asked.
This is another area where I believe HP leads us and things happen as they are supposed to! I did say tons of prayers before, during and after! - You got this!!
I worried a lot that I wasn't going to make progress without a sponsor, and that I HAD to have one, but I haven't felt a comfortable connection with anyone quite yet, and I do worry about the potential gender difference with some of the people I felt might be candidates. I think that when I am ready, the right sponsor will "appear." And, in the meantime, I am content that my meeting sizes (2-8 people, typically) allow everyone to share and to ask for the support they need at each meeting.