We received an email from our AS; he wants to come home. He was apologetic for all the nasty things he said. He said those things because we had made him so mad. His girlfriends life was horrible and he just wanted to take care of her. He wanted to move back home with his girlfriend. My ex and I told him we would meet on Saturday. I drove and hour to pick him up and an hour back to meet with his dad. We had some good conversation on our way to meet dad. Once we sat down, the 3 of us we had some very hard conversations. He told us he wants to come home, but she would have to come with him. He couldn't be without her. We found a family member that would take her in but he didn't think that would work. He said he would quit his Marijuana (which we found out was wax (dabs) use until he got HIS MEDICAL CARD... Then NO ONE could question it or make him stop. Not even an employer. We also found out the following:
They purchased a vehicle while knowing they wouldn't and couldn't make payments. (Buy here pay here)
They no longer have insurance on the vehicle
He didn't renew his license, so he is driving illegally
.... in a car that is practically stolen, no insurance...
We told him he has made some very bad decisions, but they were his decisions. No one is to blame for his bad luck except himself. He tried blaming EVERYONE and ANYTHING.
Bottom line, dad said he could come home, no drugs and no girl. Of course when he told the girl the choices she said no. My son told his dad, I would rather struggle with her than to be apart.
We stood by our boundaries.
He wasn't the same young man I knew 1 1/2 years ago. His eyes and his expressions were sad. It made me sad but at the same time I thing I finally officially finished step 1, 2 and 3.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for all the posts... Without them I may not have gotten through Saturday.
Beth
hotrod said
Jan 3, 2017
((Beth)) This is a difficult road that we travel Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
LinSC said
Jan 3, 2017
None of this is easy Tannersmom. The love of a mother and father is so strong. The sorrow of seeing your kid change is heart wrenching. Stay strong, keep very close to your HP and Al Anon, there is so much to learn about this life sucking disease. Keep coming back to this site, there are over 15000 members from different parts of the world who will listen to your story, you are not alone. linsc
MomInMo said
Jan 3, 2017
Congrats on sticking with your boundaries.
Iamhere said
Jan 3, 2017
Huge (((Hugs))) to you Beth. I can so relate and as a momma, it just plain and simply sucks.....it's hard, sad, maddening, frightening, etc. I had to truly lean into my program, my program friends, my sponsor and here to get through it all. I will share that no matter how it feels right now, it will get better for you as you progress in recovery.
It took me a long to time to realize that they had their own HP and it wasn't me. I really believed at my core that as a momma, I should be able to protect them, save them, fix them and more. I had to pray on this every day and still do. I hold onto hope that they will find their own journey to peace, joy and serenity.
We're here for you - glad that you made it through and glad that you and his father are aligned. My AH and I were NOT, and this was pure hell on Earth....my boys learned how to divide and conquer because of our inconsistencies, and it just magnified the disease, the insanity and everything else. Take good care of you - you've done your job. I used to tell myself that - I taught them right/wrong - good/bad and I did my job....it was only words in the beginning but I do accept that now also - most of the time!
Neroli said
Jan 4, 2017
Tannersmom I feel for you so much. You are not alone, I'm going through a similar kind of experience, but different too.
My addict son (opioids) is currently in my house, he was on his own before and made some terrible decisions, and almost died alone in his apartment. He ceased to be a functioning addict. He has pulled himself together a few times, so he is not completely rejecting recovery, but he relapses a lot. My husband and I are not on the same page with our boundaries, that is something we are working on. It was hard for me emotionally when he was not in the house and it is hard also having him here and seeing and experiencing things close up every day. We are always discussing the option of kicking him out when things get bad because we do not seem to be doing him or ourselves any good by keeping him here. It is very hard because we love him.
Anyway I know I share the same kind of pain that you feel. It makes me feel a very tiny, tiny bit better to not be alone in it. The people on this board and in my alanon meetings have been so supportive.
We received an email from our AS; he wants to come home. He was apologetic for all the nasty things he said. He said those things because we had made him so mad. His girlfriends life was horrible and he just wanted to take care of her. He wanted to move back home with his girlfriend. My ex and I told him we would meet on Saturday. I drove and hour to pick him up and an hour back to meet with his dad. We had some good conversation on our way to meet dad. Once we sat down, the 3 of us we had some very hard conversations. He told us he wants to come home, but she would have to come with him. He couldn't be without her. We found a family member that would take her in but he didn't think that would work. He said he would quit his Marijuana (which we found out was wax (dabs) use until he got HIS MEDICAL CARD... Then NO ONE could question it or make him stop. Not even an employer. We also found out the following:
They purchased a vehicle while knowing they wouldn't and couldn't make payments. (Buy here pay here)
They no longer have insurance on the vehicle
He didn't renew his license, so he is driving illegally
.... in a car that is practically stolen, no insurance...
We told him he has made some very bad decisions, but they were his decisions. No one is to blame for his bad luck except himself. He tried blaming EVERYONE and ANYTHING.
Bottom line, dad said he could come home, no drugs and no girl. Of course when he told the girl the choices she said no. My son told his dad, I would rather struggle with her than to be apart.
We stood by our boundaries.
He wasn't the same young man I knew 1 1/2 years ago. His eyes and his expressions were sad. It made me sad but at the same time I thing I finally officially finished step 1, 2 and 3.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for all the posts... Without them I may not have gotten through Saturday.
Beth
None of this is easy Tannersmom. The love of a mother and father is so strong. The sorrow of seeing your kid change is heart wrenching. Stay strong, keep very close to your HP and Al Anon, there is so much to learn about this life sucking disease. Keep coming back to this site, there are over 15000 members from different parts of the world who will listen to your story, you are not alone. linsc
It took me a long to time to realize that they had their own HP and it wasn't me. I really believed at my core that as a momma, I should be able to protect them, save them, fix them and more. I had to pray on this every day and still do. I hold onto hope that they will find their own journey to peace, joy and serenity.
We're here for you - glad that you made it through and glad that you and his father are aligned. My AH and I were NOT, and this was pure hell on Earth....my boys learned how to divide and conquer because of our inconsistencies, and it just magnified the disease, the insanity and everything else. Take good care of you - you've done your job. I used to tell myself that - I taught them right/wrong - good/bad and I did my job....it was only words in the beginning but I do accept that now also - most of the time!
Tannersmom I feel for you so much. You are not alone, I'm going through a similar kind of experience, but different too.
My addict son (opioids) is currently in my house, he was on his own before and made some terrible decisions, and almost died alone in his apartment. He ceased to be a functioning addict. He has pulled himself together a few times, so he is not completely rejecting recovery, but he relapses a lot. My husband and I are not on the same page with our boundaries, that is something we are working on. It was hard for me emotionally when he was not in the house and it is hard also having him here and seeing and experiencing things close up every day. We are always discussing the option of kicking him out when things get bad because we do not seem to be doing him or ourselves any good by keeping him here. It is very hard because we love him.
Anyway I know I share the same kind of pain that you feel. It makes me feel a very tiny, tiny bit better to not be alone in it. The people on this board and in my alanon meetings have been so supportive.