My ex (in recovery ) is working on his fourth step and tonight , almost proudly told me I made his list of resentments , specifically for being a part of the intervention. i guess I know his intent wasn't to make me feel bad and that my reaction internally is mine to own, but it still threw me off. All I said was , "oh" and then paused and he proceeded to tell me a few other things on the list and then we moved on. It doesn't feel good to know that someone has resentments towards you so I'm just trying to process what I need to let that go in my head so it doesn't take up unessarry space in my head.
Mcat54 said
Jan 3, 2017
I imagine my ex would be in my resentment list and I would be on his. Perhaps I wouldn't be the best person to hear about his list, and he wouldn't want to hear mine. Would be hard to listen and not get defensive. In-VENT-ory. I'm so used to tiptoeing around the truth with my A, I'd probably be shocked if he was so very direct and honest with me, although that's what I've been wanting for so long. So glad we have a program that teaches us how to process and let go. So each time we pick it up, we can let go again. And again. An intervention took a lot of courage and strength. That's something to celebrate.
hotrod said
Jan 3, 2017
((Crau)) It is interesting that your partner shared this resentment with you, however, that is just part of the step process . He needs to move forward to the eighth and ninth Step where he looks at his part in the situation and makes amends for that part. recovery is a process and it is understandable that persons on both side of the fence hold deep-seated resentments based on the actions and behavior of the other. I'm sure when you work your fourth step, you will find him on your resentment list as well. and then as you move through the rest of the steps resolution of this resentment will surface. Your part in the drama
Remember recovery is a process and that your motives for being part of the intervention was a gift to him to save his life. I have learned that validating my choices works well in situations such as this. Saying:' I'm sorry that I'm on the list but I felt it was important for your health. " In Validating ourselves we are not pointing fingers at anyone else but for owning what we did and it works.
Positive thoughts on the way
Crau said
Jan 3, 2017
Thanks for the responses, I guess I'm totally taken back by his bluntness, but also I don't harbor any guilt for my choice to be a part of his intervention. I personally have resentments for how the intervention went down too with those I was doing it with. I know that him going through the steps is a process and not a product and just makes me recognize too how I need to get back to my work on the steps. And he's pretty aware of where he has a few spots on my resentment list and recognizing some of my behaviors the past few weeks, helps me to know where I still need to go with my own recovery!
Jerry F said
Jan 3, 2017
((((Crau)))) I love the metaphor you leave me about your Alcoholic getting a resentment from your participation in the intervention. I get the picture of him having to run a football thru a line of huge defenders into the goal line and getting knocked about for a minute yet receiving the cheer..."YEEESSSSS'. You can still and continue to cheer your participation in the intervention...he's doesn't have so much to feel bad about and you get to have your contract resigned maybe with a huge raise. "YEEESSSSSSS" RIGHT ON CRAU!!!! ((((HUGS))))
Iamhere said
Jan 3, 2017
(((Crau))) - So sorry that you were caught off-guard. Having 3 qualifiers around me, I can share that I've been thrown sideways many times by what they decide to say and the timing. Having said this, you handled it way better than I did and good on you for taking a moment to consider what, if any, response was necessary. Good on you for using this moment as a learning opportunity and realizing it's just a part of the process.
My oldest is going through a split with his baby momma. She comes from a very co-dependent family and it's been sad, stressful and full of drama. I have had to work extra hard to keep my mouth closed, and just keep asking, "What can I do to help?" I've spoken to my son more in the last 2 weeks than in the last 5 years.
I tell you ... I do believe my HP has a huge sense of humor! I've prayed for years for a closer relationship with my son. *SIGH* - this is not what I wanted/expected but I am getting what I prayed for. He's brought me every negative thing about their relationship, every complaint about her family, every ounce of anger, sadness, fear and more that he's going through and I'm mentally/emotionally exhausted by keeping my mouth shut and just listening. Yet - I am getting what I asked for - a closer relationship with my son.
I fully expect that when he's in less pain, I'll be less needed. I fully expect that he will go back to selfish, self-centered behavior when he gets over the hump. My best hope for him is no different than my hope for myself - that he learns from this to improve his life. Right, wrong or indifferent, he did thank me last night for not judging him as he rants on.
If it makes you feel any better, at one point in one or more times through the steps, God made it onto my resentment list - just sayin! (((Hugs)))
2HP said
Jan 3, 2017
To me, it looks like a self-indulgent thing for him to do, knowing that it would trigger you... and it worked.
My perspective is you had staged an intervention to tell him (in so many words) "you are not perfect" (or whatever his head perceived) and this was his way of telling you the same. That's how it looks to me, especially when you write that he did it with "pride."
But here's the thing.... today, I am in a new (non-alcoholic) relationship and I would describe it as the most easy, very enjoyable relationship that clicks so very well. And yet I have done inventory on my resentments with him and I imagine (if he were in program,) he'd have done inventory on me as well.
Relationships have a purpose.... a God-given purpose.... they challenge us to grow and be better people.
so to me, this is no biggie, sweetie. He just took a little swipe at you but you can know that you are human too.... perfectly imperfect, just like the rest of us. I got to this point as I worked through all the steps.... bringing me more serenity, and overcoming the trap of the me vs. them mentality. We're all equals, we all have our light and our shadow, it's what makes us whole.
LOL @ IAM.... I too had God on my resentment list, how often I have shaken my fist at God!! Heck, I've done inventory on everyone who has ever been in my life.... all "instruments" and I'm grateful that Al-anon helped me to see it.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:28:13 PM
Crau said
Jan 4, 2017
What it triggered in me was a connection with what response I needed or didn't need to have. Just because I don't like being on someone's resentment list, doesn't mean I can't be on it. It is true that the intervention for him harbors a lot of resentment; it should. I'm glad he told me, again, still took be by surprise, but for it to have really triggered me; I would have reacted in a negative way and started to place blame or try to defend my actions. The fact that he continued to share his resentments tells me that he wasn't trying to get a reaction from me rather than share with me this HUGE step that he was doing. I didn't pat him on the back or scold him or whatever...I just let him share, I listened and then we moved on. Now I get to process what it means for me; but I don't need to bring him into that thought process until I am ready to work my own 4th step and start my list of resentments.
The thing that I have been processing since my post is that it isn't ME that's on the list, it's an action I performed. When I think about his place on my resentment list; it's not HIM but some of his actions. Now compounded, sometimes a lot of not so great actions from one person could create a resentment for an entire person; but in reality; it's choices someone makes that don't coincide with what someone else's plan is.
I think tentatively about my resentment list and right now; I see many things on there that are not about a person but about me not having control over a situation with a person or group of people. Having that perspective; it highlighted and allowed me to take this "guilt" off my shoulder's that I did something wrong; when in fact, what I did was right for me-it just didn't coincide with what my ex wanted at that time.
I have a ways to go in my own recovery and I guess when you see someone else working their own recovery; it gives your mind that added energy to focus on what you are doing yourself to continue to grow.
Calm Lady said
Jan 4, 2017
Many thanks for the sharing in this thread. Is helpful to me. AH randomly verbally throws things at me and it knocks me off balance, however detached and relaxed I think I am at the time.
Calm Lady said
Jan 4, 2017
I get the feeling when AH does it to me, its because he is bored and wants to poke me to provide some entertainment for him with my reaction. My untreated al-anon mum used to do the same.
Best respond is a big fat nothing, in my experience. Is hard though as it catches you off guard.
Iamhere said
Jan 4, 2017
Great awareness Crau - love the way the experience has triggered more growth and things to ponder. This has been an awesome read - glad you started the topic!
My ex (in recovery ) is working on his fourth step and tonight , almost proudly told me I made his list of resentments , specifically for being a part of the intervention. i guess I know his intent wasn't to make me feel bad and that my reaction internally is mine to own, but it still threw me off. All I said was , "oh" and then paused and he proceeded to tell me a few other things on the list and then we moved on. It doesn't feel good to know that someone has resentments towards you so I'm just trying to process what I need to let that go in my head so it doesn't take up unessarry space in my head.
((Crau)) It is interesting that your partner shared this resentment with you, however, that is just part of the step process . He needs to move forward to the eighth and ninth Step where he looks at his part in the situation and makes amends for that part. recovery is a process and it is understandable that persons on both side of the fence hold deep-seated resentments based on the actions and behavior of the other. I'm sure when you work your fourth step, you will find him on your resentment list as well. and then as you move through the rest of the steps resolution of this resentment will surface. Your part in the drama
Remember recovery is a process and that your motives for being part of the intervention was a gift to him to save his life. I have learned that validating my choices works well in situations such as this. Saying:' I'm sorry that I'm on the list but I felt it was important for your health. " In Validating ourselves we are not pointing fingers at anyone else but for owning what we did and it works.
Positive thoughts on the way
((((Crau)))) I love the metaphor you leave me about your Alcoholic getting a resentment from your participation in the intervention. I get the picture of him having to run a football thru a line of huge defenders into the goal line and getting knocked about for a minute yet receiving the cheer..."YEEESSSSS'. You can still and continue to cheer your participation in the intervention...he's doesn't have so much to feel bad about and you get to have your contract resigned maybe with a huge raise. "YEEESSSSSSS" RIGHT ON CRAU!!!! ((((HUGS))))
My oldest is going through a split with his baby momma. She comes from a very co-dependent family and it's been sad, stressful and full of drama. I have had to work extra hard to keep my mouth closed, and just keep asking, "What can I do to help?" I've spoken to my son more in the last 2 weeks than in the last 5 years.
I tell you ... I do believe my HP has a huge sense of humor! I've prayed for years for a closer relationship with my son. *SIGH* - this is not what I wanted/expected but I am getting what I prayed for. He's brought me every negative thing about their relationship, every complaint about her family, every ounce of anger, sadness, fear and more that he's going through and I'm mentally/emotionally exhausted by keeping my mouth shut and just listening. Yet - I am getting what I asked for - a closer relationship with my son.
I fully expect that when he's in less pain, I'll be less needed. I fully expect that he will go back to selfish, self-centered behavior when he gets over the hump. My best hope for him is no different than my hope for myself - that he learns from this to improve his life. Right, wrong or indifferent, he did thank me last night for not judging him as he rants on.
If it makes you feel any better, at one point in one or more times through the steps, God made it onto my resentment list - just sayin! (((Hugs)))
To me, it looks like a self-indulgent thing for him to do, knowing that it would trigger you... and it worked.
My perspective is you had staged an intervention to tell him (in so many words) "you are not perfect" (or whatever his head perceived) and this was his way of telling you the same. That's how it looks to me, especially when you write that he did it with "pride."
But here's the thing.... today, I am in a new (non-alcoholic) relationship and I would describe it as the most easy, very enjoyable relationship that clicks so very well. And yet I have done inventory on my resentments with him and I imagine (if he were in program,) he'd have done inventory on me as well.
Relationships have a purpose.... a God-given purpose.... they challenge us to grow and be better people.
so to me, this is no biggie, sweetie. He just took a little swipe at you but you can know that you are human too.... perfectly imperfect, just like the rest of us. I got to this point as I worked through all the steps.... bringing me more serenity, and overcoming the trap of the me vs. them mentality. We're all equals, we all have our light and our shadow, it's what makes us whole.
LOL @ IAM.... I too had God on my resentment list, how often I have shaken my fist at God!! Heck, I've done inventory on everyone who has ever been in my life.... all "instruments" and I'm grateful that Al-anon helped me to see it.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:28:13 PM
The thing that I have been processing since my post is that it isn't ME that's on the list, it's an action I performed. When I think about his place on my resentment list; it's not HIM but some of his actions. Now compounded, sometimes a lot of not so great actions from one person could create a resentment for an entire person; but in reality; it's choices someone makes that don't coincide with what someone else's plan is.
I think tentatively about my resentment list and right now; I see many things on there that are not about a person but about me not having control over a situation with a person or group of people. Having that perspective; it highlighted and allowed me to take this "guilt" off my shoulder's that I did something wrong; when in fact, what I did was right for me-it just didn't coincide with what my ex wanted at that time.
I have a ways to go in my own recovery and I guess when you see someone else working their own recovery; it gives your mind that added energy to focus on what you are doing yourself to continue to grow.
Best respond is a big fat nothing, in my experience. Is hard though as it catches you off guard.