Working on my recovery in spite of his continued dry drunk defensiveness
Helpangel said
Jan 2, 2017
Hi all! I was wondering how people focus on themselves when the attitude and defensiveness is really shoved in your face with a dry drunk. I really do try and take that focus off of it but man it is hard when they constantly complain that their sick or tired or exhausted or blah, blah, blah.. I mean I am getting to the point of feeling like I hear the charLie brown talk u know.. When the adults talk? Well some of the time I can here that instead of the other stuff but after awhile it just really irks me. Oh and what is will the attitude and if I say anything it gets even worse and he doesn't even say sorry it is well u did this or that... Mwa, mwa, mwa...sorry it was a very long Christmas break!
Enigmatic said
Jan 3, 2017
Hi Help...I will say that I was not able to focus on myself and practice program principles with anyone, anywhere, until I started consistently and actively working my AlAnon program daily. I did this by attending all the meetings I could fit into my schedule, reading the daily readers every morning, meditating on them, working with a sponsor, and working the steps. As they say, it works if we work it.
AlAnon encourages keeping the focus on ourselves, not on our qualifier, and sharing with each other our Experience in using program tools and resources to overcome challenges, what we find that builds our strength, and our hope for finding peace and serenity. It discourages blaming others, including our qualifiers for the negative things we are feeling, as the answer usually lies within us.
I noticed that the Subject line on your share includes "Working on my recovery in spite of...", I would be helpful to hear how this side of things is going for you.
There is always hope and plenty of wisdom and guidance in the program...it works when we work it
milkwood said
Jan 4, 2017
Sometimes it is difficult, but I just had to do it anyway! I have a pre-set to be helpful, say yes if someone asks for help, sympathise when things go wrong etc. Over-riding that pre-set was not easy, but I needed to learn new ways of responding.
After the 'I'm so tired' comments had gone on for a year or so I gently stopped sympathising and said 'I can't help you with this, it has been going on for a long time, lets go and ask the doctor'. I think that I only had to say this twice.
I had to take responsibility for my life and well being and learn to expect others to be able to do it for themselves as well. Giving up my role of helper freed up a whole lot of time to do more enjoyable things. I did not find it easy to realise that I was not needed as much as I thought, but it really was worth the lesson. A bit like a work to rule scenario!! ((((Hugs))))
Helpangel said
Jan 4, 2017
Thank you for the response. I have started working out and actually told him that he was too much for me and that I was not going to do the back and forth anymore. I stood my ground and didn't engage in the argument. He didn't talk to me the next morning but when he got home from work he was nice :).. Yeah me!
Hi all! I was wondering how people focus on themselves when the attitude and defensiveness is really shoved in your face with a dry drunk. I really do try and take that focus off of it but man it is hard when they constantly complain that their sick or tired or exhausted or blah, blah, blah.. I mean I am getting to the point of feeling like I hear the charLie brown talk u know.. When the adults talk? Well some of the time I can here that instead of the other stuff but after awhile it just really irks me. Oh and what is will the attitude and if I say anything it gets even worse and he doesn't even say sorry it is well u did this or that... Mwa, mwa, mwa...sorry it was a very long Christmas break!
AlAnon encourages keeping the focus on ourselves, not on our qualifier, and sharing with each other our Experience in using program tools and resources to overcome challenges, what we find that builds our strength, and our hope for finding peace and serenity. It discourages blaming others, including our qualifiers for the negative things we are feeling, as the answer usually lies within us.
I noticed that the Subject line on your share includes "Working on my recovery in spite of...", I would be helpful to hear how this side of things is going for you.
There is always hope and plenty of wisdom and guidance in the program...it works when we work it
After the 'I'm so tired' comments had gone on for a year or so I gently stopped sympathising and said 'I can't help you with this, it has been going on for a long time, lets go and ask the doctor'. I think that I only had to say this twice.
I had to take responsibility for my life and well being and learn to expect others to be able to do it for themselves as well. Giving up my role of helper freed up a whole lot of time to do more enjoyable things. I did not find it easy to realise that I was not needed as much as I thought, but it really was worth the lesson. A bit like a work to rule scenario!! ((((Hugs))))