I just got divorced a month ago (after being separated for a long time). I didn't think of myself as being married to an addict, but he was (food, porn, all kinds of things that popped up). I didn't realize it, but I had used codependent skills in that marriage. I recently met a great guy. He's an "on the wagon" recovering alcoholic. I guess over a year now. Within a few weeks we feel into a cycle of him being aloof and me being needy (first time in over a decade I felt affection and being wanted - I latched on a bit, a lot, too much). So, I smothered him and feel like I ruined everything. I broke it off a week ago. I'm so brokenhearted. I started reading books. I ended up trading "Co dependant no more". That's when I saw myself in the book. I went to my first Al-anon meeting yesterday. I went to an open AA meeting today. I'm angry, sad, scared. I feel stress, like throwing up. Two days ago I felt super confident and capable. Now I feel messed up and kind of lost a bit of hope. I read the 12 steps. They make me feel sick. The first step is so tough. Loss of control over my life? That's very messed up. I'm going to another Al-anon meeting tomorrow. I just feel very alone in the process. I haven't said a word at either meeting I went to. I feel like if I talk I'll just cry and be a mess. I want to have a good relationship. I want to enjoy life with a partner - not mess it up by being a major rescuer. Holy hell. Just a hot mess of upset right now!!! And I have major responsibilities I should be attending to!!!! Where do I start to feel better?!?!?
Doingmybest said
Jan 2, 2017
Hi Mom,
Welcome to MIP!
First, you are definitely not alone in this and I promise you will find balance if you give it a chance (AlAnon that is).
I was/still can be one of the most "needy" people when it comes to my emotions. I have learned, however, that I can fill those needs myself on most occasions, but my RAH (Refovering Alcoholic Husband) has now stepped up to fill many of the needs a person has in a dedicated 20+ year marriage. This was ONLY after he had some serious time in AA and I had spent countless hours (years really) dabbling in AlAnon meetings and sometimes living second to second with my CAL (conference approved literature). What I mean by this is that the literature gave me real, solid, tangible words to contemplate and study and I still rely on much of my AlAnon literature today. I am not as completely immersed in the program as some, despite several attempts with the only FTF group (20+ miles away). It was simply not a good fit for me. The literature, however, was and still is! It is really the backbone of the program and can help you if you give it a chance. FTF meeting are truly best for many, if not most, but others have to find what works for them. I do not regret attending the meetings and I do not regret trying to work with a sponsor. I did what I needed to do for ME, which is very strange and new in my life because I have often felt my "job" was to make "others feel good" and I though I would reap the rewards from that, I forgot about making myself feel good about me.
I found by reading and seriously contemplating a few pages on any particular topic (which is easily done by looking in the back section of the books" I could use the tools to help understand my need to be my "controlling" and my "needy" thoughts and behaviors could be managed, and later managed well. I also found one of my serious character flaws was failing to give others the "freedom" to be themselves and not accepting them for who they really were (Rose colored glasses that later turned to dark gray lenses. I had to control virtually everyone (including friends) and I never realized I was doing it.
Basically, what my rambling ESH is trying to say is that your feelings and actions are quite "normal" for someone who has lived with/had any relationship with/or grown up with a person or people with alcohol addiction. These feeling and behavios are self destructive though because we "learned" poor coping mechanisms. AlAnon has information to help you learn how to fill the needs you have internally from within yourself and to love for the sake of love, not for what someone can do for you emotionally. Many, many of us have reached a point where we can "live and let live" and we often find a deeper love and a different kind of intimacy than we have ever had matinee or understood. It can be a slow process, butm despite that initial fear and sadness, we often realize we need help just as much as the alcoholic does. Given time and effort, we can find ourselves more happy and fulfilled than we ever dreamed possible.
i think one way to describe it for me is to say my heart, which had been starved of love and affection for so long, was like a dried up field of grass. AlAnon had the the matches and the members had the strikepad. When I got close to them, someone lit the match and my dried feelings field started to flicker. Readings and slogans were the fuel I needed and my emotions began to smoulder, then to burn. The flames of hope and forgiveness began to spread throughout m life. Instead of dead and dry, I became warm (sometimes hot...lol), and I roared into life. More study and hard earned patience eventually allowed the flames to become less intense and the slowly settled into soft, glowing embers. I can choose to stoke my embers at my will into a flame or I can allow them to cool. It is my choice now. I became a living person again, with feelings that range from cool to burning hot, but my need to smother the flames is no longer with me. I can now allow warmth and ask other in to warm themselves, without burning either of us, or freezing anyone out.
it takes time to feel again in a normal and healthy way, but it is possible. Never worry about tears at meetings, because we almost all start off that way and many of us still tear up years later. Nobody judges for that. You must often release the dam of emotions before you can fully understand them again.
Good luck my friend. You can do this!
Enigmatic said
Jan 2, 2017
Hello MiM, welcome
First, so glad you reached out to us here and even more that you are getting out to meetings...outstanding! Doing had some great comments above, I would just add a couple: I was a mess when I found AlAnon, maxed out emotionally, mentally, and just beaten down from trying to stop a loved one's drinking and handle the world using the tools that I knew.
In a way, that put me right at Step 1: my life had become unmanageable, and I was unable to control alcohol despite using everything in my power. I arrived at AlAnon willing to try another way, desperately wanting to find my way back to peace; serenity seemed like a long shot, but I wished for it, too.
What I found were some simple but powerful tools: slogans, a new perspective (calling for me to make healthy changes, not try to change everyone else), and a fellowship of others who knew what I felt, had tried AlAnon, and had serenity.
Some of the realizations were almost overwhelming at times, especially at first, as I realized that some of the things I had been doing were unhealthy for me and the very ones I thought I was helping. But by continuing to attend meetings, read daily from ALAnon publications, and work the program, I was able to feel a drastic increase in my felt peace in a very short time.
AlAnon has been the one thing I have found that allowed me to understand how I could experience peace within myself and healthier interactions with others regardless of what was going on around me, regardless of what my qualifier did or did not do. I am so glad I hung in through the initial challenges and gave AlAnon a chance.
I hope you do to, you deserve some peace in your life...You are not alone in your experience, your feelings, your pain, but you can step out of that and join the many other who have found peace and serenity here
hotrod said
Jan 2, 2017
Welcome Mom, I can readily identify with your posting about Al-Anon meetings and not sharing. I do believe I attended a meeting a day for at least six months before I shared more than name. There is no requirement to speak, it is just suggested that you keep an open mind and listen to learn that is what I did.
As far as the steps are concerned they do appear overwhelming in the beginning, so that I selected the slogans as my first tool and attempted to implement them daily. It was pointed out to me that the slogan:"Let go and let God summarizes the first three steps so that at times when I felt confused, I would substitute the slogan and stop obsessing.
Breaking the isolation caused by interacting with this disease is extremely important.Program is a process and just keep showing up, use all of the suggestions such as attend meetings, get a sponsor get telephone numbers and things will start to change.
Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
MomInMo said
Jan 2, 2017
Thank you very much. Thank you.
hotrod said
Jan 2, 2017
Hi Mom I noticed that your "full name" is in your signature. Since this is an anonymous program , you you might want to delete your name . You can go into your "Profile" go to signature and delete it or substitute a quote you like.
Welcome once again.
andromeda said
Jan 2, 2017
I remember feeling as you do: completely lost and alone and feeling like I was a failure because I didn't see the writing on the wall about how I was a big part of what and who was in my life. But, today, I take those things as lessons learned. God wasn't ready for me to learn those lessons until it was my time to learn them. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle the truth 10 years ago? But, things unfolded as they did and today I am grateful to my past, to learning about my codependency, and my family of origin problems that had contributed to the mess that I was. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I see so many people living in denial, not experiencing their lives because they don't take responsibility for themselves in any way or they blame others for how their lives have unfolded, and I'm so grateful that I now know the difference because I was one of them for so long. I never experienced emotions. I never angered, I was full of pride but didn't even realize it. I lived in fear but I called it something else, fill in the blank with any other emotion, but I wasn't going to admit it was fear mainly because I didn't even understand the depth of who I was and what I had experienced and how it had shaped me.
So, I'm going to congratulate you on your first step towards self awareness and spiritual growth. I do hope you continue with Al Anon meetings and find some in real life support. I don't attend meetings much anymore but I did for a few years and it was truly what saved me from spirally deeper into despair as my eyes became opened to how miserable I truly was. I was one of those people who looked really good on the outside and seemed totally care free and was well liked by most people (because I was en expert people pleaser). We belonged to the country club, I drove luxury vehicles, we took vacations yearly to the Caribbean, I traveled, and it looked like we had a wonderful life. But, I was dying inside and I didn't even see it.
I read a quote today that was posted by a friend of mine who is in AA, and it read:"If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree."
And, that is exactly what you are doing. yes, it will be painful, but I promise you it will be worth it. HUGS to you in this brand new year!
Iamhere said
Jan 2, 2017
I too send warm welcomes to you Mom - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too fully understand how you feel today and just wanted to share that it does get better. For me, each suggestion I tried related to focusing on me, learning about my needs, understanding what makes me tick, etc. all helped with healing.
The best things I heard early on is One Day at a Time, and Step 1 is not about being weak - it's about regaining my own power! Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery!!
MomInMo said
Jan 2, 2017
It is overwhelming. I'm just going to go to meetings until things start to make sense. Thank you for all your words of hope. Peace would be awesome to achieve.
MomInMo said
Jan 2, 2017
Thank you Betty. I figured it out. PS - I'm stuck on step one right now! Lol
MomInMo said
Jan 2, 2017
Thank you Andromeda. I feel like the same. I'm a published author. I'm a speaker. Well-known in my field as an expert. Going to the Dominican this spring, Mediterranean this summer. How the hell did this happen to me?!?!? I didn't even know it was there all along. Disconcerting.
Iamhere said
Jan 2, 2017
MomInMo - I do think meetings and the literature will help you big time. Most of us are intelligent and truly understand where you are - I do remember saying to myself, "How in the world did I get here?" There is no shame at all in accepting that we are imperfect humans. That's how we were designed. Some love too much, care too much, sleep too much, drink too much - I was told early on that there is no shame in making mistakes - we just need to figure out how best to learn from them and not get stuck by them.
I have a cousin who's close in age (53) to me. He walked away from his parents and sisters when he was early 20s. He never gave a reason and never came back. My aunt (his mother) died early last year, and when he realized the end was near, he came home. His sisters were angry, my father was quiet and nobody knew what to do or how to be. By the grace of this program and a Higher Power, I was able to break the ice, welcome him back and catch up as if the last 30 years were not 'as they were'...
Because I work hard to live one day at a time, and the program has given me the ability to mind my own business, I didn't have to judge him, pick a side, or try to smooth anything out - I just got to be me and be of service to my aunt/cousins. When he was leaving, he did tell me he feels really bad about leaving as he did and staying gone. The words that come from me (not my own) were simple - I told him he needed to live his life one day at a time, and not allow the past define who he is today.
These words came forward as a message to him and me too. I still wonder at times why my life is the way it is, but I no longer regret it or the past or the persons I've encountered. Each truly has been a learning experience for me to grow from.
I was told early on to focus on today and do in today what I needed/wanted for today. When my mind wondered, that was when I came here, read literature, took a walk or went to a meeting. It really did not take me long to fill my life with enjoyable, healthy things - I just had to be willing to do so!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
MomInMo said
Jan 2, 2017
Thank you. :)
Jen61 said
Jan 4, 2017
When I decided to go to my first face to face meeting I was terrified. I had the local Al-Anon phone number in my purse for weeks before I actually went. I listened to everybody else and just soaked it up. It took me a while to want to share and when I did I just cried and cried and cried. I would say those face to face meetings is what saved me. I felt so alone and I tend to isolate. To talk to another person who has not gone through this they really do not have any idea what alcoholism can do to a person and their family. This is a great site and you will find so many good people to chat with and to help you through this journey. I wish you the best and welcome to MIP!
-- Edited by Jen61 on Wednesday 4th of January 2017 11:54:53 PM
Mirandac said
Jan 5, 2017
Great shares said with so much love and honesty
Its a journey that just takes awhile. Its Likened To the Peeling
of an onion. You can not peel off another layer until You are ready
and willing. Change and reparenting is hard inner work and that
takes tools and humility to get in there.
I did not speak for a long time at my ftf meetings, i sat and
cried but my ears, heart and soul were open along with reading
The literature so i understood the alanon ways and thinking.
I have done a lot of grief work after my divorce and i am
Still grieving on a much deeper level. It all takes time to work
Thru all those stuffed feelings, emotions, anger and rage.
Thats a one day to a time process and having a strong
spiritual Foundation helps give you the strength and courage
To move thru it. HUGS
I just got divorced a month ago (after being separated for a long time). I didn't think of myself as being married to an addict, but he was (food, porn, all kinds of things that popped up). I didn't realize it, but I had used codependent skills in that marriage. I recently met a great guy. He's an "on the wagon" recovering alcoholic. I guess over a year now. Within a few weeks we feel into a cycle of him being aloof and me being needy (first time in over a decade I felt affection and being wanted - I latched on a bit, a lot, too much). So, I smothered him and feel like I ruined everything. I broke it off a week ago. I'm so brokenhearted. I started reading books. I ended up trading "Co dependant no more". That's when I saw myself in the book. I went to my first Al-anon meeting yesterday. I went to an open AA meeting today. I'm angry, sad, scared. I feel stress, like throwing up. Two days ago I felt super confident and capable. Now I feel messed up and kind of lost a bit of hope. I read the 12 steps. They make me feel sick. The first step is so tough. Loss of control over my life? That's very messed up. I'm going to another Al-anon meeting tomorrow. I just feel very alone in the process. I haven't said a word at either meeting I went to. I feel like if I talk I'll just cry and be a mess. I want to have a good relationship. I want to enjoy life with a partner - not mess it up by being a major rescuer. Holy hell. Just a hot mess of upset right now!!! And I have major responsibilities I should be attending to!!!! Where do I start to feel better?!?!?
Welcome to MIP!
First, you are definitely not alone in this and I promise you will find balance if you give it a chance (AlAnon that is).
I was/still can be one of the most "needy" people when it comes to my emotions. I have learned, however, that I can fill those needs myself on most occasions, but my RAH (Refovering Alcoholic Husband) has now stepped up to fill many of the needs a person has in a dedicated 20+ year marriage. This was ONLY after he had some serious time in AA and I had spent countless hours (years really) dabbling in AlAnon meetings and sometimes living second to second with my CAL (conference approved literature). What I mean by this is that the literature gave me real, solid, tangible words to contemplate and study and I still rely on much of my AlAnon literature today. I am not as completely immersed in the program as some, despite several attempts with the only FTF group (20+ miles away). It was simply not a good fit for me. The literature, however, was and still is! It is really the backbone of the program and can help you if you give it a chance. FTF meeting are truly best for many, if not most, but others have to find what works for them. I do not regret attending the meetings and I do not regret trying to work with a sponsor. I did what I needed to do for ME, which is very strange and new in my life because I have often felt my "job" was to make "others feel good" and I though I would reap the rewards from that, I forgot about making myself feel good about me.
I found by reading and seriously contemplating a few pages on any particular topic (which is easily done by looking in the back section of the books" I could use the tools to help understand my need to be my "controlling" and my "needy" thoughts and behaviors could be managed, and later managed well. I also found one of my serious character flaws was failing to give others the "freedom" to be themselves and not accepting them for who they really were (Rose colored glasses that later turned to dark gray lenses. I had to control virtually everyone (including friends) and I never realized I was doing it.
Basically, what my rambling ESH is trying to say is that your feelings and actions are quite "normal" for someone who has lived with/had any relationship with/or grown up with a person or people with alcohol addiction. These feeling and behavios are self destructive though because we "learned" poor coping mechanisms. AlAnon has information to help you learn how to fill the needs you have internally from within yourself and to love for the sake of love, not for what someone can do for you emotionally. Many, many of us have reached a point where we can "live and let live" and we often find a deeper love and a different kind of intimacy than we have ever had matinee or understood. It can be a slow process, butm despite that initial fear and sadness, we often realize we need help just as much as the alcoholic does. Given time and effort, we can find ourselves more happy and fulfilled than we ever dreamed possible.
i think one way to describe it for me is to say my heart, which had been starved of love and affection for so long, was like a dried up field of grass. AlAnon had the the matches and the members had the strikepad. When I got close to them, someone lit the match and my dried feelings field started to flicker. Readings and slogans were the fuel I needed and my emotions began to smoulder, then to burn. The flames of hope and forgiveness began to spread throughout m life. Instead of dead and dry, I became warm (sometimes hot...lol), and I roared into life. More study and hard earned patience eventually allowed the flames to become less intense and the slowly settled into soft, glowing embers. I can choose to stoke my embers at my will into a flame or I can allow them to cool. It is my choice now. I became a living person again, with feelings that range from cool to burning hot, but my need to smother the flames is no longer with me. I can now allow warmth and ask other in to warm themselves, without burning either of us, or freezing anyone out.
it takes time to feel again in a normal and healthy way, but it is possible. Never worry about tears at meetings, because we almost all start off that way and many of us still tear up years later. Nobody judges for that. You must often release the dam of emotions before you can fully understand them again.
Good luck my friend. You can do this!
First, so glad you reached out to us here and even more that you are getting out to meetings...outstanding! Doing had some great comments above, I would just add a couple: I was a mess when I found AlAnon, maxed out emotionally, mentally, and just beaten down from trying to stop a loved one's drinking and handle the world using the tools that I knew.
In a way, that put me right at Step 1: my life had become unmanageable, and I was unable to control alcohol despite using everything in my power. I arrived at AlAnon willing to try another way, desperately wanting to find my way back to peace; serenity seemed like a long shot, but I wished for it, too.
What I found were some simple but powerful tools: slogans, a new perspective (calling for me to make healthy changes, not try to change everyone else), and a fellowship of others who knew what I felt, had tried AlAnon, and had serenity.
Some of the realizations were almost overwhelming at times, especially at first, as I realized that some of the things I had been doing were unhealthy for me and the very ones I thought I was helping. But by continuing to attend meetings, read daily from ALAnon publications, and work the program, I was able to feel a drastic increase in my felt peace in a very short time.
AlAnon has been the one thing I have found that allowed me to understand how I could experience peace within myself and healthier interactions with others regardless of what was going on around me, regardless of what my qualifier did or did not do. I am so glad I hung in through the initial challenges and gave AlAnon a chance.
I hope you do to, you deserve some peace in your life...You are not alone in your experience, your feelings, your pain, but you can step out of that and join the many other who have found peace and serenity here
Welcome Mom, I can readily identify with your posting about Al-Anon meetings and not sharing. I do believe I attended a meeting a day for at least six months before I shared more than name. There is no requirement to speak, it is just suggested that you keep an open mind and listen to learn that is what I did.
As far as the steps are concerned they do appear overwhelming in the beginning, so that I selected the slogans as my first tool and attempted to implement them daily. It was pointed out to me that the slogan:"Let go and let God summarizes the first three steps so that at times when I felt confused, I would substitute the slogan and stop obsessing.
Breaking the isolation caused by interacting with this disease is extremely important.Program is a process and just keep showing up, use all of the suggestions such as attend meetings, get a sponsor get telephone numbers and things will start to change.
Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
Hi Mom I noticed that your "full name" is in your signature. Since this is an anonymous program , you you might want to delete your name . You can go into your "Profile" go to signature and delete it or substitute a quote you like.
Welcome once again.
I see so many people living in denial, not experiencing their lives because they don't take responsibility for themselves in any way or they blame others for how their lives have unfolded, and I'm so grateful that I now know the difference because I was one of them for so long. I never experienced emotions. I never angered, I was full of pride but didn't even realize it. I lived in fear but I called it something else, fill in the blank with any other emotion, but I wasn't going to admit it was fear mainly because I didn't even understand the depth of who I was and what I had experienced and how it had shaped me.
So, I'm going to congratulate you on your first step towards self awareness and spiritual growth. I do hope you continue with Al Anon meetings and find some in real life support. I don't attend meetings much anymore but I did for a few years and it was truly what saved me from spirally deeper into despair as my eyes became opened to how miserable I truly was. I was one of those people who looked really good on the outside and seemed totally care free and was well liked by most people (because I was en expert people pleaser). We belonged to the country club, I drove luxury vehicles, we took vacations yearly to the Caribbean, I traveled, and it looked like we had a wonderful life. But, I was dying inside and I didn't even see it.
I read a quote today that was posted by a friend of mine who is in AA, and it read:"If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree."
And, that is exactly what you are doing. yes, it will be painful, but I promise you it will be worth it. HUGS to you in this brand new year!
The best things I heard early on is One Day at a Time, and Step 1 is not about being weak - it's about regaining my own power! Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery!!
I have a cousin who's close in age (53) to me. He walked away from his parents and sisters when he was early 20s. He never gave a reason and never came back. My aunt (his mother) died early last year, and when he realized the end was near, he came home. His sisters were angry, my father was quiet and nobody knew what to do or how to be. By the grace of this program and a Higher Power, I was able to break the ice, welcome him back and catch up as if the last 30 years were not 'as they were'...
Because I work hard to live one day at a time, and the program has given me the ability to mind my own business, I didn't have to judge him, pick a side, or try to smooth anything out - I just got to be me and be of service to my aunt/cousins. When he was leaving, he did tell me he feels really bad about leaving as he did and staying gone. The words that come from me (not my own) were simple - I told him he needed to live his life one day at a time, and not allow the past define who he is today.
These words came forward as a message to him and me too. I still wonder at times why my life is the way it is, but I no longer regret it or the past or the persons I've encountered. Each truly has been a learning experience for me to grow from.
I was told early on to focus on today and do in today what I needed/wanted for today. When my mind wondered, that was when I came here, read literature, took a walk or went to a meeting. It really did not take me long to fill my life with enjoyable, healthy things - I just had to be willing to do so!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
When I decided to go to my first face to face meeting I was terrified. I had the local Al-Anon phone number in my purse for weeks before I actually went. I listened to everybody else and just soaked it up. It took me a while to want to share and when I did I just cried and cried and cried. I would say those face to face meetings is what saved me. I felt so alone and I tend to isolate. To talk to another person who has not gone through this they really do not have any idea what alcoholism can do to a person and their family. This is a great site and you will find so many good people to chat with and to help you through this journey. I wish you the best and welcome to MIP!
-- Edited by Jen61 on Wednesday 4th of January 2017 11:54:53 PM
Its a journey that just takes awhile. Its Likened To the Peeling
of an onion. You can not peel off another layer until You are ready
and willing. Change and reparenting is hard inner work and that
takes tools and humility to get in there.
I did not speak for a long time at my ftf meetings, i sat and
cried but my ears, heart and soul were open along with reading
The literature so i understood the alanon ways and thinking.
I have done a lot of grief work after my divorce and i am
Still grieving on a much deeper level. It all takes time to work
Thru all those stuffed feelings, emotions, anger and rage.
Thats a one day to a time process and having a strong
spiritual Foundation helps give you the strength and courage
To move thru it. HUGS