Well, the day finally came yesterday where i had enough and broke if off with my alcoholic boyfriend of 2.5 years. He had always been drinking a lot through our relationship but I didn't know how bad it was (lots of sneaking). Anyway, he had a stretch of a few clean days this month, was going to AA, being open and honest and all that good stuff. it didn't last long, and since then it has gotten so bad I couldn't do it anymore. Coming home from "work" falling over drunk after just driving! And the kicker is flat out lying and saying he wasn't drinking. Even sober, the next morning, he would deny he drank the previous day. He even insisted on a breathalyzer (yes, he insisted) to prove it to me. When it came the other day and he stumbled inside I made him take it, he blew 2x the legal limit of course, and then insisted it must be broken. that was my last straw. His family came to get him today (we had just moved a thousand miles away...) and I'm hoping they're going to put him in rehab. He is of course insisting now he's going to get better because of losing me, and I hope he's being honest but I just don't believe him.
lots of backstory, sorry. the main thing I'm struggling with is to what extent should in keep in touch with him if he truly is doing rehab (I will know from his family) and getting better? I love him, i dont want this but there was nothing I could do to help if he didn't want help, right? I told him after 6 months of being sober i would like to hear from him, and after a year possibly even see him. but in the mean time if he's struggling, to what extent should I try to support him? i need to protect me of course but I want to support him if it would be helpful. i just don't know what's best.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 30, 2016
I hope you will find a local alanon meeting if that is possible for you .. if not there are online meetings here the schedule is around I do not know it though .. it helped me to find out who I was without the A in my life and figure out what I wanted without focusing on the hims.
Based upon the experience I have had with addicts/alcoholics in my life there are a few things I would do differently .. first off I would engage anyone in a relationship who had not been sober consistently for 18 months. Second off I would focus on myself and figure out what I needed to do to heal .. for me that means working the steps and applying them to everyday living .. the traditions are not talked about enough and how they are applied to daily life. They are huge. Based upon those answers for me I would then make bigger decisions and if they were right for me .. not what is right for the A.
Keep coming back it gets better as the fog lifts .. this is an all consuming disease it takes no prisoners only it's victims. The only way to get free is to figure out to let go of the albatross of trying to save someone from their demons and stand up because they aren't drowning in 30 ft of water .. it's 3 inches. All they have to do is stand up and admit they can't get out of the 3 inches of water.
Hugs S :)
LinSC said
Dec 30, 2016
The best thing to do right now is to look into Al Anon meetings, literature and reading the posts here on this site. When you get a better understanding of the disease you may know what you are up against and you can make an informed decision if "helping" really helps or enables. Welcome to the board and keep coming back. Linsc
Iamhere said
Dec 31, 2016
I'm with those above me - work on you, your recovery and your needs. In working the program, I believe the answers will come to you about what is best for you.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
Well, the day finally came yesterday where i had enough and broke if off with my alcoholic boyfriend of 2.5 years. He had always been drinking a lot through our relationship but I didn't know how bad it was (lots of sneaking). Anyway, he had a stretch of a few clean days this month, was going to AA, being open and honest and all that good stuff. it didn't last long, and since then it has gotten so bad I couldn't do it anymore. Coming home from "work" falling over drunk after just driving! And the kicker is flat out lying and saying he wasn't drinking. Even sober, the next morning, he would deny he drank the previous day. He even insisted on a breathalyzer (yes, he insisted) to prove it to me. When it came the other day and he stumbled inside I made him take it, he blew 2x the legal limit of course, and then insisted it must be broken. that was my last straw. His family came to get him today (we had just moved a thousand miles away...) and I'm hoping they're going to put him in rehab. He is of course insisting now he's going to get better because of losing me, and I hope he's being honest but I just don't believe him.
lots of backstory, sorry. the main thing I'm struggling with is to what extent should in keep in touch with him if he truly is doing rehab (I will know from his family) and getting better? I love him, i dont want this but there was nothing I could do to help if he didn't want help, right? I told him after 6 months of being sober i would like to hear from him, and after a year possibly even see him. but in the mean time if he's struggling, to what extent should I try to support him? i need to protect me of course but I want to support him if it would be helpful. i just don't know what's best.
Based upon the experience I have had with addicts/alcoholics in my life there are a few things I would do differently .. first off I would engage anyone in a relationship who had not been sober consistently for 18 months. Second off I would focus on myself and figure out what I needed to do to heal .. for me that means working the steps and applying them to everyday living .. the traditions are not talked about enough and how they are applied to daily life. They are huge. Based upon those answers for me I would then make bigger decisions and if they were right for me .. not what is right for the A.
Keep coming back it gets better as the fog lifts .. this is an all consuming disease it takes no prisoners only it's victims. The only way to get free is to figure out to let go of the albatross of trying to save someone from their demons and stand up because they aren't drowning in 30 ft of water .. it's 3 inches. All they have to do is stand up and admit they can't get out of the 3 inches of water.
Hugs S :)
The best thing to do right now is to look into Al Anon meetings, literature and reading the posts here on this site. When you get a better understanding of the disease you may know what you are up against and you can make an informed decision if "helping" really helps or enables. Welcome to the board and keep coming back. Linsc
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.