You know all of the open AA meetings I have attended to learn about the disease the biggest fact that comes out of these kinds of conversation is the first drink is always a choice .. after the first drink it's compulsion.

I have watched many people go in and out of AA based upon the issue of not being sober .. the message did get through to them eventually the question is that it was hard to be drunk while working a program that requires sobriety. Sometimes it takes time to get the full message.

The saying goes there is nothing worse than an active A who has AA knowledge and beer in their belly .. they do get what they do to themselves they can't make it over that hump of getting to the next part of sobriety. Doesn't mean that they will doesn't mean that they won't.

I'm glad to hear that he's in program, that's always positive. What about you .. are you going to your meetings and talking to your sponsor? Those are important things to do during this difficult time as well.

Hugs S :)

Hi wife, the only suggestion I have is that Al-Anon face-to-face meetings as well as the slogans helped me to maintain my sanity during times like to describe. Remembering that I was powerless over this disease and not trying to figure it out is also very helpful.

Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.

Being a double-winner (both programs), I could give a million reasons I've hard why one has that first drink. I am sure there are many, many more reasons that I've not heard. What Al-Anon has shown me is that that there is nothing I can do, think, say, pray, wish for that will keep that from happening if another imperfect human, just like me, decides a drink is going to improve their life, mood, etc.

For an alcoholic, there is no choice. The compulsion for them to drink is as strong as our compulsion to worry about them/their drinking. There is only a daily reprieve from the obsession through recovery work, one day at a time. We all have choices before we act, including the alcoholic. However, for many who are still sick, the compulsion to drink is way stronger than the choice to pick up a tool instead.

I'm with Betty - choose you, your recovery, your joy and your serenity. The insanity of the disease for us is that we allow our person, attitude, joy and more to be controlled by another person. I fight hard for that not to happen as I truly believe my Higher Power wants me happy, joyous and free. No Higher Power would want us to hurt like we do for another person. Take care of you and trust the recovery process and know that your hubbie has his own path, his own higher power and his own spiritual journey. I too am sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts!

I am pretty much thinking along the lines of the original poster. If he would at least be honest about the skips (probably a pipe dream) instead of making excuses, I might be able to work this program better. Taking care of myself and not worrying is a bit hard when I think he might be at a bar with god knows who and what else he might be doing. but don't know for sure, and feeling like I have been disrespected because he is lying to me and both of us know it. Yet I am suppose to stay quiet.

The main behavior from the disease is the inability to tell the truth. The saying goes how do you know of the active A is lying? Their lips are moving. That's a factual statement for me. My xahs inability to tell the truth even now. I don't know if he's drinking or not. So the expectation that the A A going to be honest leads to additional resentments which are unhealthy. I remember asking my x a question knowing the answer to it and him lying. Lol .. Then I would be hurt, angry, disappointed, feel justified in my behavior and so on. So what good did it do to ask the question. It's not about not saying anything .. It's learning to make statements vs the questions. It's understanding I honestly can't handle the truth until I'm ready and my hp will provide that truth. It was a couple of years into program where I learned to actually let some of it go and a few more before I realized that I was causing my own pain. It wasn't the A it was me. I stopped being so hurt by his behavior because it wasn't about me. Hugs .. Keep coming back.

"The main behavior from the disease is the inability to tell the truth. The saying goes how do you know of the active A is lying? Their lips are moving."

Is that a fact that lying is a big part of the disease? And do you mean lying about drinking or lying about just any facet of their life that the A doesn't feel like being hassled about?

My experience with my A about the lying it was everything. The stupidest stuff. Right now we are dealing with a Christmas present for our son. He says ups delivered it and it hasn't come. The kids have been out of school for 2 weeks. Did it come? I doubt it got mailed. You know maybe it really is lost .. I seriously doubt it. When he got his DUI he told his mother that the police saw him through his whiskey truck mind you. Take his prescription medication at 3pm. So he got an invalid dui. Not even close to what happened. I think you can get the point. Yes .. He lied about everything. I don't have to respond anymore. It just is what it is with him and the consequences are he's damaged his relationship with his children and with me in terms of trust. I can't rationalize with an irrational person without becoming irrational myself. So I made different choices in how I deal with him. That's my experience. I have no idea if he's still drinking .. His untrustworthy behavior is still there. Hugs.