my as went to the annual cousins night last night. He hasn't seen them in about 9 months. He brought his girlfriend; they have a very toxic relationship. I truly believe she is part of the reason he left. I do understand he had a choice but he also takes in strays. she being the stray.
With that being said, he sent his dad and me an email telling us he wants to come home. Last night made him realize how much he misses family..... But....she has to come as well. He is in love with her and her life has been so awful. Neither his dad or I will invite her into our homes We know that if we don't our AS will be gone. We are meeting with ALONE tomorrow. I feel like this is just another game so they can get what they want. I'm scared and pray that my HP gives me guidance.
I plan on putting things in his court "How did you get to this place in your life". Will there be blaming of others or will he take responsibility and own it. I don't think he has hit bottom hard enough. I could be wrong but my gut is telling me I'm right
Any help? Experiences?
Iamhere said
Dec 30, 2016
Beth - two of my qualifiers are my sons. What I know is no matter how much I care, do, give, etc. they want more. When the substance is in charge, and the disease is active, there is no rational discussions that happen. Mine would say what they thought I wanted to hear and I would cave and be disappointed time and time again.
Embracing Al-Anon in full and practicing the program principles taught me how to set boundaries and stick to them. I was able to detach from the disease and the insanity most of the time, and let them fend for themselves. They never cared what I thought or what I had to say and considered it overbearing, nit-picking, etc.
So, my experience is each time I allowed them to return while the disease was in charge, it did not work out. Even those times where we sent them to treatment - it was not a good move allowing them to return home. They needed to find their own path and do their own journey and I was an obstacle to what they needed to learn/experience.
I'll send you positive thoughts and prayers - it's a hard, hard place to be in - I hope you are getting to a ton of meetings and embracing the program. That's where I found my way out of my own insanity caused by living with this disease. (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Dec 30, 2016
Hugs TM,
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and I agree, when in the grips of active disease thinking or addiction, the person talking has become the addiction it wants what it wants and it wants to survive.
Anyway, prayers your direction .. S :)
LinSC said
Dec 30, 2016
TM, until I really learned what Al Anon was all about I was lost when it came to dealing with the disease. I did let my son return to my house w one of his girlfriends. And after a few days it went south. It was a waste of time and I had to let him hit his complete bottom, no job, no license, walking in sub-zero temps. Remember when you are interacting with him he will promise you anything, but when he is under the influence he forgets what he promised you and his conscience dosent register. His feelings are numb. Read and learn all you can, keep going to church and keep the hope. Linsc
LinSC said
Dec 30, 2016
IMPORTANT, figure out what your boundaries are and stick to them. My son HAD to change because he couldn't push me anymore.
my as went to the annual cousins night last night. He hasn't seen them in about 9 months. He brought his girlfriend; they have a very toxic relationship. I truly believe she is part of the reason he left. I do understand he had a choice but he also takes in strays. she being the stray.
With that being said, he sent his dad and me an email telling us he wants to come home. Last night made him realize how much he misses family..... But....she has to come as well. He is in love with her and her life has been so awful. Neither his dad or I will invite her into our homes We know that if we don't our AS will be gone. We are meeting with ALONE tomorrow. I feel like this is just another game so they can get what they want. I'm scared and pray that my HP gives me guidance.
I plan on putting things in his court "How did you get to this place in your life". Will there be blaming of others or will he take responsibility and own it. I don't think he has hit bottom hard enough. I could be wrong but my gut is telling me I'm right
Any help? Experiences?
Embracing Al-Anon in full and practicing the program principles taught me how to set boundaries and stick to them. I was able to detach from the disease and the insanity most of the time, and let them fend for themselves. They never cared what I thought or what I had to say and considered it overbearing, nit-picking, etc.
So, my experience is each time I allowed them to return while the disease was in charge, it did not work out. Even those times where we sent them to treatment - it was not a good move allowing them to return home. They needed to find their own path and do their own journey and I was an obstacle to what they needed to learn/experience.
I'll send you positive thoughts and prayers - it's a hard, hard place to be in - I hope you are getting to a ton of meetings and embracing the program. That's where I found my way out of my own insanity caused by living with this disease. (((Hugs)))
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and I agree, when in the grips of active disease thinking or addiction, the person talking has become the addiction it wants what it wants and it wants to survive.
Anyway, prayers your direction .. S :)
TM, until I really learned what Al Anon was all about I was lost when it came to dealing with the disease. I did let my son return to my house w one of his girlfriends. And after a few days it went south. It was a waste of time and I had to let him hit his complete bottom, no job, no license, walking in sub-zero temps. Remember when you are interacting with him he will promise you anything, but when he is under the influence he forgets what he promised you and his conscience dosent register. His feelings are numb. Read and learn all you can, keep going to church and keep the hope. Linsc
IMPORTANT, figure out what your boundaries are and stick to them. My son HAD to change because he couldn't push me anymore.