Been on the forum for approximately 12 hours and my wife has been on and snooped at the new posts i have put on.
I cant really believe that she has done this as i wanted this to be something for just me to share my thoughts and feelings with people who would understand what i was going through.
She says that she looked to know what i was thinking but i feel a bit betrayed by the fact that i cant even have this place to get help, advice or support. She accused me of looking for a way out of the marriage but this is not true. i just feel very confused about my feelings at the minute and unsure what i am thinking, if i wanted a way out i would have left whilst she was drinking. She has been going on a drinking forum "my way out" for a couple of months and i have never looked on there to see what she has been saying as i believe that is a place to give her the opportunity to talk to people openly the same as the AA meeting that she has been to.
She says that she will not do it again and that she feels better but i am not sure how i feel about why she did this other than a slight betrayal that she could not give me this space to myself. Not sure whether to stay on here, change my profile and return in a while so she doesn't know its me or something else.
Feel more confused now than ever.
hotrod said
Dec 28, 2016
(LANF) that is not too unusual -That is the reason we use different names and have avatars. You can always delete the" lost and found "login and sign up again with a different name and continue. If you feel this is helping I would do just that.
Jill said
Dec 28, 2016
Yes to what Betty said, and please keep coming back. This site and attending face to face meetings are so helpful to me.
Iamhere said
Dec 28, 2016
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace....I agree on the anonymous portion of online forums - mine could find my posts here and possibly figure it out, but it would require more effort than desired. I also learned in Al-Anon that if I had private things going on/happening, I had to be very cautious what I shared and with whom. My qualifiers are not good at keeping secrets or using discretion about anything - just is what it is...
I have a personal credence that I never say/write anything about someone or something that I would not be able/willing to say to them directly. Of course, I do vent to my sponsor or trusted program friends but beyond that, just am very cautious how I spill out what is in my heart/head to others. Hang in there - I've not seen you write anything that's condemning - it's your truth and you're entitled to that always!
(((Hugs)))
milkwood said
Dec 28, 2016
I hope that you stay with us - this really is a useful place.
I remember thinking that my husband might be reading my posts here but then I decided that it wouldn't be a bad thing if he did really!
Lost and not found said
Dec 28, 2016
I will be staying as i am already finding it useful. If she breaks her promise to not look at what is being written and looks at what i am writing then so be it. I am not ashamed of anything i have written nor will write as it will be the truth as i see it.
I am not here to gain favor or get clarification that i am in the right. I am here to hopefully find strength, help and good advice from people who have been through similar situations.
milkwood said
Dec 29, 2016
It is good to see you affirming your truth and your identity as it is. Great awareness - have a good day LANF.
Suburban Denizen said
Dec 29, 2016
Hello, Here
I wondered if my rAH was doing the same, then decided what happens, happens. I have no reason to think that he might (other than an abundance of fear), so decided I have to start trusting somewhere. Of course, I haven't mentioned the name of the forum nor my ID, but the picture of the cats will be instantly recognizable.
RAH has his faults, but snooping doesn't seem to be one of them.
I'm glad you posted, though - your determination and values help me find my own way. (Hmmm, guess that's the way it's supposed to work with ESH - I learn from virtually every post and response.!
All the best,
Denizen
Skorpi said
Dec 29, 2016
I'm glad you decided to stay. I don't know that my rAW has read my posts here. We use different computers and I haven't shared the site name with her. Of course, my name and the photo would be a dead give-away.
She showed up at my face-to-face meeting a few times, once with two of her actively drinking friends. (One found AA since then, the other is still active.) I remember feeling a massive sense of betrayal and annoyance: they didn't bother to show upon time, and came clomping down the hall like a herd of whispering teenage elephants.
That was over a year ago, and we have better boundaries now. I do find coming here and attending face-to-face meetings helps me to stay in a more healthy mental place, and gives me the strength to deal with whatever is going on.
andromeda said
Dec 29, 2016
My XAH did this as well. But he never confessed it to me directly. I found out because he said something suspicious and I realized there was no way he got that information directly from me. I never bothered to accuse him of snooping because he was doing it in other ways in my life but I did find that he crossed some boundaries, especially when he was sober and not working a good recovery program. He was in and out of AA for a bit, thinking that just going to meeting would keep me from leaving.
Anyway, I changed my username and then I made sure I only used the forum in 'private' search mode on my web browser and I made sure I logged out every time I left the forum. He promised to quit snooping on me, but even now after 2 years of me being gone he still snoops on my life, using our son as information gatherer.
sarahGee said
Dec 30, 2016
I am glad you are willing to stay.
I had the exact same thing happen to me, not too long ago. I felt extremely violated and it brought a lot of unwanted drama into my life, such is the disease of alcoholism though. I kept posting, even aware that everything I say here can be found, snooped, misread and used to create drama within my family. If you're using a shared computer, best to log out.
I was using a work computer that I mistakenly assumed that only I had access to. Someone in my FOO went into my office after business hours and read everything I hadn't cleared history on.
Sick people will behave how sick people will behave. I can live carrying the anxiety that a sick family member will snoop through my personal business, or I can let them be sick & do what's best for me. Move along in my recovery.
You are here for YOU, to get you better.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace.
Hi,
Been on the forum for approximately 12 hours and my wife has been on and snooped at the new posts i have put on.
I cant really believe that she has done this as i wanted this to be something for just me to share my thoughts and feelings with people who would understand what i was going through.
She says that she looked to know what i was thinking but i feel a bit betrayed by the fact that i cant even have this place to get help, advice or support. She accused me of looking for a way out of the marriage but this is not true. i just feel very confused about my feelings at the minute and unsure what i am thinking, if i wanted a way out i would have left whilst she was drinking. She has been going on a drinking forum "my way out" for a couple of months and i have never looked on there to see what she has been saying as i believe that is a place to give her the opportunity to talk to people openly the same as the AA meeting that she has been to.
She says that she will not do it again and that she feels better but i am not sure how i feel about why she did this other than a slight betrayal that she could not give me this space to myself. Not sure whether to stay on here, change my profile and return in a while so she doesn't know its me or something else.
Feel more confused now than ever.
I have a personal credence that I never say/write anything about someone or something that I would not be able/willing to say to them directly. Of course, I do vent to my sponsor or trusted program friends but beyond that, just am very cautious how I spill out what is in my heart/head to others. Hang in there - I've not seen you write anything that's condemning - it's your truth and you're entitled to that always!
(((Hugs)))
I remember thinking that my husband might be reading my posts here but then I decided that it wouldn't be a bad thing if he did really!
I will be staying as i am already finding it useful. If she breaks her promise to not look at what is being written and looks at what i am writing then so be it. I am not ashamed of anything i have written nor will write as it will be the truth as i see it.
I am not here to gain favor or get clarification that i am in the right. I am here to hopefully find strength, help and good advice from people who have been through similar situations.
Hello, Here
I wondered if my rAH was doing the same, then decided what happens, happens. I have no reason to think that he might (other than an abundance of fear), so decided I have to start trusting somewhere. Of course, I haven't mentioned the name of the forum nor my ID, but the picture of the cats will be instantly recognizable.
RAH has his faults, but snooping doesn't seem to be one of them.
I'm glad you posted, though - your determination and values help me find my own way. (Hmmm, guess that's the way it's supposed to work with ESH - I learn from virtually every post and response.!
All the best,
Denizen
She showed up at my face-to-face meeting a few times, once with two of her actively drinking friends. (One found AA since then, the other is still active.) I remember feeling a massive sense of betrayal and annoyance: they didn't bother to show upon time, and came clomping down the hall like a herd of whispering teenage elephants.
That was over a year ago, and we have better boundaries now. I do find coming here and attending face-to-face meetings helps me to stay in a more healthy mental place, and gives me the strength to deal with whatever is going on.
Anyway, I changed my username and then I made sure I only used the forum in 'private' search mode on my web browser and I made sure I logged out every time I left the forum. He promised to quit snooping on me, but even now after 2 years of me being gone he still snoops on my life, using our son as information gatherer.
I had the exact same thing happen to me, not too long ago. I felt extremely violated and it brought a lot of unwanted drama into my life, such is the disease of alcoholism though. I kept posting, even aware that everything I say here can be found, snooped, misread and used to create drama within my family. If you're using a shared computer, best to log out.
I was using a work computer that I mistakenly assumed that only I had access to. Someone in my FOO went into my office after business hours and read everything I hadn't cleared history on.
Sick people will behave how sick people will behave. I can live carrying the anxiety that a sick family member will snoop through my personal business, or I can let them be sick & do what's best for me. Move along in my recovery.
You are here for YOU, to get you better.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace.