This is the first time that i have told anyone this and need to get it off my chest to have some opinions on the situation as it is weighing on my mind more and more.
My AW went on a "wine night" as she used to call them, which consisted of her, her sister and friends basically getting drunk on a girls night in whilst the hosts other half would make themselves scarce for the evening (me being this person occasionally). This in itself i never really had a problem with until the last one she went on. She went out as usual and she would normally return at about 1-2 am, but on this occasion she wasn't home by 3 so i tried to ring as i was worried that she may have hurt herself on the way home as she would usually get legless drunk and struggle with the key in the door so i would have to open it. When i rang my AW there was no response and i kept trying her until 630am when i was able to find her sisters home number who was hosting the party. i rung her sister and her Husband answered, he said she is staying here. I was so angry as i had been so worried. I said i want to speak to her now, he said she is sleeping and without holding back i suggest he go wake her up. i spoke to her on the phone and she said she would come home as soon as she can (via a taxi).
She turns up with her sisters trousers on and her Jeans in a bag saying she wet her own as she was so drunk, but in 15 years she has never done this and i have seen her in some states. I asked why she didn't ring me or let me know what she was doing and she said she wasn't capable. I asked if my sister in laws Husband (vane bodybuilder) had brought some of his friends back as it is something that he would do. She said no, no one else was there. She however slipped up a couple of weeks later when she was telling me that her sister was going out with her husband and one of his mates "the one with all the tattoos", i said when have you met some of his friends as her sisters relationship at the time was quite new and when ever she had been at her sister since they had been together i had been with her, after a long pause she admitted that they were there that night. I hit the roof. She claims to this day that nothing happened but i suppose she has nothing to gain by saying anything else.
That was 4 years ago and it still effects me now as i am a very faithful and honest person, i have been the entire time we have been together. i never pushed it at the time as i honestly didn't want to hear any other answer than she had done nothing wrong. Mainly because if she did admit it i could not stay with her and my son was only 3 at the time and he wouldn't have a clue who i was whilst he was growing up.
I have so much resentment for how she acted that evening and i think this is mainly because i have never been able to vent it to anyone else to get their opinion on the subject as i felt i couldn't tell family since they would dislike her or friends for the same reason, so have just been holding it in for the past 4 years.
If someone else other half had done this:-
what conclusion do you think had happened (i.e cheated or not)?
how would you of handled it or handle the situation now?
thanks
LANF
hotrod said
Dec 27, 2016
HI LANF I'm glad that you have been able to share on this issue and need to point out that we do not give advice in alanon but do share our own experience , strength and hope in dealing with situations. We also may offer an Al-Anon tool that might be used in order to process various situations . You have endured this pain for many years and the memory of which is only hurting you . You can decide to accept the situation as it was presented to you , let go of the anger to maintain your sanity and move on
. It certainly sounds as if the situation was pretty bizarre and since it has been in the past for a number of years, I would suggest that you accept the situation as it happened, and move forward with your life. If you begin to attend Al-Anon meetings you will be introduced to the steps, which are a powerful tool to recovery. In these steps we look at the past, look for our part in each situation, own it, and then decide to forgive and move forward. All this isl a process and takes time and effort. Recovery from interacting with this disease is on a day to day basis and takes time snd effort. The first step is being honest and not living in denial nd pretend You are doing just that so please keep coming back
Since This is your first attempt at sharing what is in your mind and heart, is to be honest about how you feel and accept the support that is offered to you
Jerry F said
Dec 27, 2016
Aloha LANF and welcome to the board. I could have written part of this story and then added the other part about the infidelity and sickness. My wife was an alcoholic/addict and when we parted she was clean and sober and I still pray she is that way. You've lived in the power of resentment, suspicion, doubt and anger for 4 years and this is insanity...the insanity we speak about in the definition of alcoholism. My wife was alcoholic and drug addict and you described her in your post.
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and under the compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body is described as alcoholism a progressive disease with can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. It affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions and every one (you) it comes into contact with. I developed genital sores and didn't know how I got them until I learned what was going on. Nasty and sick way of living. My anger over her drinking and using came close to causing her death and the deaths of others and then Alcoholism is a fatal disease it not permanently arrested.
You can back check the information I offer in the American Medical Association and in the Al-Anon family groups and here at MIP and in College and doctors offices all of which I did because early on I didn't know what alcoholism was or how to spell it even and didn't know that I didn't know. I was born in the disease and didn't know. I am what is called a "double winner"; a long time member of both Al-Anon and AA.
Stick around here because more family will be coming to your support and there is much to learn. As for your anger the perspective for me was that I raged at a sick woman and not a bad one which most likely is what you are doing now.
I suggest staying in this site and also looking in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number to see when and where we get together weekly in your neighborhood and commit to coming and listening with an open mind. You will find us there. (((((hugs)))))
milkwood said
Dec 27, 2016
Hello LANF,
As Jerry says, this is part of the insanity that gets to us. I recognise it and I'm sorry that you have had this question mark for so long.
I have some similar question marks over events in my marriage. I do not know, and probably never will know if they are justified. I know that thinking about them hurts me. What I do know is that my husband does love me and that he is a loyal person on the whole who did make a mistake once, and when that happened I knew about loud and clear. I also know that these question marks come up in me when I am beginning to relax and feel more comfortable with my husband. I think that I use my doubts as a mechanism for keeping my distance. They are a tool that I use sub-consciously to avoid getting 'suckered' again. It doesn't really serve me well but it happens!
I'm not saying that this is the case for you but I did find it useful to check in with myself about why I was holding on to my doubts and I also reached a point where, regardless of whether or not my husband did or didn't shag someone else I had to look at whether or not it was fair for me to stay with him when I was continuing to be so distrustful. I can, very easily, waste hours at a time stewing on 'what ifs' so I know that it takes effort to move one's thinking to a more positive place, but eventually I chose to use my time more constructively and to look at how things are now, this moment, this week. Looking back at a time when he was very sick is absolutely 100% grounds for divorce, but when I look at where we are today I have no complaints at all. My husband's biggest 'affair' was with alcohol and that disease kept him away from me for years. I think that I project that very real 'rejection' onto the possibility of an affair because somehow an affair seems easier for me to understand. It is mostly in my head though!!
As a woman, all I can say is that I do not sleep with every man I meet, even if they seem like fun and flatter me enough to say that they want to sleep with me.
Hope this helps.
Lost and not found said
Dec 27, 2016
Thank you all for your advice, i am trying my best to look at things in a different way for my own sanity if nothing else.
i suppose as well as getting used to life now with her in recovery i am also questioning my own life and future which has been kept numb for years. I know it is classed as a disease due to the way that alcoholics process alcohol/ Acetone but Im sure if i went on a bender and shagged someone else i would be out the door. My EX cheated on me before the relationship ended and i promised myself that i would never allow myself to be treated like that again.
I am questioning many aspects of my life now i guess, im not sure if i have accepted the situation or if i am just suppressing it to see my son grow up and be able to put him to bed every night. If the A is male and the none A leaves not being able to take the situation anymore, she takes the kids. If the A is female and the none A leaves, he leaves the kids behind and doesn't see them as much. What i am processing and fighting with myself at the moment is have i been staying in the relationship because i still love her or because i can not bare the pain of leaving my son (the thought of which brings tears to my eyes). For year we have been arguing and bickering with each other, in October i treated us both to a long weekend away (first since son was born) and swore to myself if she got hammered and we had an argument on such a nice weekend, im done. On the last night exactly that happened, but im still here.
Everything is early days with her recovery, only today she said she could murder a drink because we were sat around the house playing with my sons presents and she was basically bored. She is constantly saying how life is boring now and she cant see the point in it so it falls again on me to be the supportive part of the relationship, which is draining as she is a very negative person.
I feel like i have put my life on hold in the past to keep the peace by not doing the things that i would like but next year i have decided that this has to change and i need to invest some time in myself if things are to work.
Jayla said
Dec 29, 2016
Wow LANF I could almost be writing your posts myself just with the gender roles reversed. Lots of "question marks" with my AH too. Funny how A's always seem to have some handy place where they can go drink away from home and things can "happen." I'm afraid I don't have any hope to offer. I haven't even begun to figure out my mess. This board helps though. Hang in there. I hope at least it helps to know you are not alone. There are others on this board too who struggle with this kind of thing.
This is the first time that i have told anyone this and need to get it off my chest to have some opinions on the situation as it is weighing on my mind more and more.
My AW went on a "wine night" as she used to call them, which consisted of her, her sister and friends basically getting drunk on a girls night in whilst the hosts other half would make themselves scarce for the evening (me being this person occasionally). This in itself i never really had a problem with until the last one she went on. She went out as usual and she would normally return at about 1-2 am, but on this occasion she wasn't home by 3 so i tried to ring as i was worried that she may have hurt herself on the way home as she would usually get legless drunk and struggle with the key in the door so i would have to open it. When i rang my AW there was no response and i kept trying her until 630am when i was able to find her sisters home number who was hosting the party. i rung her sister and her Husband answered, he said she is staying here. I was so angry as i had been so worried. I said i want to speak to her now, he said she is sleeping and without holding back i suggest he go wake her up. i spoke to her on the phone and she said she would come home as soon as she can (via a taxi).
She turns up with her sisters trousers on and her Jeans in a bag saying she wet her own as she was so drunk, but in 15 years she has never done this and i have seen her in some states. I asked why she didn't ring me or let me know what she was doing and she said she wasn't capable. I asked if my sister in laws Husband (vane bodybuilder) had brought some of his friends back as it is something that he would do. She said no, no one else was there. She however slipped up a couple of weeks later when she was telling me that her sister was going out with her husband and one of his mates "the one with all the tattoos", i said when have you met some of his friends as her sisters relationship at the time was quite new and when ever she had been at her sister since they had been together i had been with her, after a long pause she admitted that they were there that night. I hit the roof. She claims to this day that nothing happened but i suppose she has nothing to gain by saying anything else.
That was 4 years ago and it still effects me now as i am a very faithful and honest person, i have been the entire time we have been together. i never pushed it at the time as i honestly didn't want to hear any other answer than she had done nothing wrong. Mainly because if she did admit it i could not stay with her and my son was only 3 at the time and he wouldn't have a clue who i was whilst he was growing up.
I have so much resentment for how she acted that evening and i think this is mainly because i have never been able to vent it to anyone else to get their opinion on the subject as i felt i couldn't tell family since they would dislike her or friends for the same reason, so have just been holding it in for the past 4 years.
If someone else other half had done this:-
what conclusion do you think had happened (i.e cheated or not)?
how would you of handled it or handle the situation now?
thanks
LANF
HI LANF I'm glad that you have been able to share on this issue and need to point out that we do not give advice in alanon but do share our own experience , strength and hope in dealing with situations. We also may offer an Al-Anon tool that might be used in order to process various situations . You have endured this pain for many years and the memory of which is only hurting you . You can decide to accept the situation as it was presented to you , let go of the anger to maintain your sanity and move on
. It certainly sounds as if the situation was pretty bizarre and since it has been in the past for a number of years, I would suggest that you accept the situation as it happened, and move forward with your life. If you begin to attend Al-Anon meetings you will be introduced to the steps, which are a powerful tool to recovery. In these steps we look at the past, look for our part in each situation, own it, and then decide to forgive and move forward. All this isl a process and takes time and effort. Recovery from interacting with this disease is on a day to day basis and takes time snd effort. The first step is being honest and not living in denial nd pretend You are doing just that so please keep coming back
Since This is your first attempt at sharing what is in your mind and heart, is to be honest about how you feel and accept the support that is offered to you
Aloha LANF and welcome to the board. I could have written part of this story and then added the other part about the infidelity and sickness. My wife was an alcoholic/addict and when we parted she was clean and sober and I still pray she is that way. You've lived in the power of resentment, suspicion, doubt and anger for 4 years and this is insanity...the insanity we speak about in the definition of alcoholism. My wife was alcoholic and drug addict and you described her in your post.
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and under the compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body is described as alcoholism a progressive disease with can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. It affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions and every one (you) it comes into contact with. I developed genital sores and didn't know how I got them until I learned what was going on. Nasty and sick way of living. My anger over her drinking and using came close to causing her death and the deaths of others and then Alcoholism is a fatal disease it not permanently arrested.
You can back check the information I offer in the American Medical Association and in the Al-Anon family groups and here at MIP and in College and doctors offices all of which I did because early on I didn't know what alcoholism was or how to spell it even and didn't know that I didn't know. I was born in the disease and didn't know. I am what is called a "double winner"; a long time member of both Al-Anon and AA.
Stick around here because more family will be coming to your support and there is much to learn. As for your anger the perspective for me was that I raged at a sick woman and not a bad one which most likely is what you are doing now.
I suggest staying in this site and also looking in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number to see when and where we get together weekly in your neighborhood and commit to coming and listening with an open mind. You will find us there. (((((hugs)))))
As Jerry says, this is part of the insanity that gets to us. I recognise it and I'm sorry that you have had this question mark for so long.
I have some similar question marks over events in my marriage. I do not know, and probably never will know if they are justified. I know that thinking about them hurts me. What I do know is that my husband does love me and that he is a loyal person on the whole who did make a mistake once, and when that happened I knew about loud and clear. I also know that these question marks come up in me when I am beginning to relax and feel more comfortable with my husband. I think that I use my doubts as a mechanism for keeping my distance. They are a tool that I use sub-consciously to avoid getting 'suckered' again. It doesn't really serve me well but it happens!
I'm not saying that this is the case for you but I did find it useful to check in with myself about why I was holding on to my doubts and I also reached a point where, regardless of whether or not my husband did or didn't shag someone else I had to look at whether or not it was fair for me to stay with him when I was continuing to be so distrustful. I can, very easily, waste hours at a time stewing on 'what ifs' so I know that it takes effort to move one's thinking to a more positive place, but eventually I chose to use my time more constructively and to look at how things are now, this moment, this week. Looking back at a time when he was very sick is absolutely 100% grounds for divorce, but when I look at where we are today I have no complaints at all. My husband's biggest 'affair' was with alcohol and that disease kept him away from me for years. I think that I project that very real 'rejection' onto the possibility of an affair because somehow an affair seems easier for me to understand. It is mostly in my head though!!
As a woman, all I can say is that I do not sleep with every man I meet, even if they seem like fun and flatter me enough to say that they want to sleep with me.
Hope this helps.
i suppose as well as getting used to life now with her in recovery i am also questioning my own life and future which has been kept numb for years. I know it is classed as a disease due to the way that alcoholics process alcohol/ Acetone but Im sure if i went on a bender and shagged someone else i would be out the door. My EX cheated on me before the relationship ended and i promised myself that i would never allow myself to be treated like that again.
I am questioning many aspects of my life now i guess, im not sure if i have accepted the situation or if i am just suppressing it to see my son grow up and be able to put him to bed every night. If the A is male and the none A leaves not being able to take the situation anymore, she takes the kids. If the A is female and the none A leaves, he leaves the kids behind and doesn't see them as much. What i am processing and fighting with myself at the moment is have i been staying in the relationship because i still love her or because i can not bare the pain of leaving my son (the thought of which brings tears to my eyes). For year we have been arguing and bickering with each other, in October i treated us both to a long weekend away (first since son was born) and swore to myself if she got hammered and we had an argument on such a nice weekend, im done. On the last night exactly that happened, but im still here.
Everything is early days with her recovery, only today she said she could murder a drink because we were sat around the house playing with my sons presents and she was basically bored. She is constantly saying how life is boring now and she cant see the point in it so it falls again on me to be the supportive part of the relationship, which is draining as she is a very negative person.
I feel like i have put my life on hold in the past to keep the peace by not doing the things that i would like but next year i have decided that this has to change and i need to invest some time in myself if things are to work.