I have been married to my AW for 10 years and been together for 14 years total. She has been drinking to various levels for at least the past 20 years with the only time that she stopped drinking for longer than a week, whilst she was pregnant with our son. She has tried to stop in the past dozens of time but only lasted about a week or so with that whole time being a horrible atmosphere. She now is a Dry drunk who quit 7 weeks ago and seems to be doing well.
she stopped after we had a talk one evening when i told her i have thought for a long time of giving her the ultimatum that i wanted to put two thing on our coffee table. 1 was a bottle of wine and the other was our marriage certificate and ask her to chose the one that is most important to her. So far she has chosen the marriage certificate.
Life with her as a drunk mainly consisted of me watching her gulp down wine in the evening until either i saw that look in her eye when i knew what ever i said next would spark of yet another argument or she would fall asleep, which ever happened first i would go off to bed early for some peace. If we did argue however it would always be my fault as she could never remember what she had said the day after resulting in me apologizing for something i haven't done to keep the peace. Things got that bad in the past that i even tried to drink with her so she couldn't have as much but that resulting in more arguing as she would run out sooner, just desperation on my part i guess.
Even though she inst drinking i still struggle with how things have been with her for the past decade or so, such as treading on eggshell around her and her drinking dominating our relationship. When i am quite or not speaking her response more and more is "you seem more annoyed now that i have quit" but how can she not understand that the last 14 years cant be forgot in a few weeks?, the more she says that the more i think she is just looking for a way to start again.
Bit tired of being the supportive one in the relationship.
Thanks for all who have read this and sorry for going on a bit in an introduction, just feels good to finally get some of my feelings out as i dont feel that i can do that with any of my family/ friends at the minute.
LANF - lost and not found
hotrod said
Dec 27, 2016
Welcome LANF So pleased that you "found" us and reached out.
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested but not cured. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alanon is a recovery program for family members who live with or have lived with this dreadful disease. It is here you will find others who understand as few others can and who will help break the isolation caused by living with the disease and offer new tools to live by in the process
I understand the pain of which you speak and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend.(The hotline number is in the white pages)
There is help and hope so please do keep coming back here as well.
Freetime said
Dec 27, 2016
Welcome, LANF, I understand the loneliness of being married to an alcoholic, whether they are currently drinking or not. I, too, have felt that family and friends would not understand because they have not been through the same thing, and I also was ashamed, thinking that the situation reflected on me. By opening up, I discovered that a good friend actually had been in a similar situation and completely understood, and I also found Alanon meetings gave me amazing tools and new friends so I was no longer alone.
milkwood said
Dec 27, 2016
Welcome LANF,
It is so much better to air things here so no apology needed, it feels good to hear you getting that frustration off your chest!
When my husband stopped drinking my frustrations and anger came to the surface - I think that I had quashed my feelings for years and was so used to fighting someone else's alcohol as well so when I didn't have that battle on my doorstep anymore I had more time to feel the flashbacks and memories. Oh boy! I was livid! And I don't normally feel anger much at all!!!
So I decided to celebrate those angry feelings because, after all, they were feelings - not the ones I wanted but at least I was feeling something. I used this website and Alanon to speak my thoughts when I needed to. Apart from that I tried to bring some fun back into my life, took time to do the things that I wanted to do and took my attention off my husband - which must have felt good for the both of us.
The first few months of my husband not drinking were the hardest in our relationship - I had expectations of what we would be like and so did he. He was having to live without anaesthetic, and that was difficult for him to do as well. I had to learn to drop my expectations and just take things a day at a time. I sometimes remember to think about my 'three best things of the day' and for a while I used to journal them every single day. There was always something that fitted that description and after a while I learnt to feel grateful for the good things and it took my focus off the bad or the unknown.
Its ok to feel all that frustration and it is very ok to release those feelings here or with others who truly understand. Eventually, when I did that, I got bored of the sound of my own voice and resolved to enjoy life instead. But I had to release my dodgy thoughts along the way. Change, even good change can feel uncomfortable - one day at a time and you'll get there.
Lost and not found said
Dec 27, 2016
Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.
I struggle to stop the thoughts in my head sometimes from consuming me but i will try an let some out on here.
milkwood said
Dec 27, 2016
I found meditation and yoga really helpful LANF - the meditation especially helped me to find a quiet space in my mind (and it made a difference, even if it was only for a few seconds!)
Kim C said
Dec 27, 2016
Hey Lost! Welcome! I understand and feel your pain. My AH has had many periods of "sobriety" during our marriage. You are correct in labeling your wife as a dry drunk. That is what they are until they seek help and learn to deal with their alcoholism. The AA Big Book puts it this way:
"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals- usually brief- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."
Encourage your spouse to find an AA group if she is willing. In the mean time, remember that she is sick. Remember that the choice she made 7 weeks ago was a real choice but that she doesn't have the coping skills to deal with life on life's terms. Find an Al-Anon group and get some tools to help you understand how to recover. You will find experience, strength and hope!
Know that my prayers are with you as you make these steps.
Iamhere said
Dec 28, 2016
Welcome to MIP LANF - so glad you found us and joined right in....I can so relate to the thoughts dancing around in my head - I've had to learn to do things differently if I want different results - so I will go for a walk, read literature, bake/cook a meal, listen to music, etc. - anything that changes up my reality to change up my thoughts.
I had and still have difficulty being still and meditating. That's OK for me - we're about progress and not perfection. So - any effort to do/be different is success in my program.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
andromeda said
Dec 29, 2016
Welcome. Our own thoughts will drive us crazy. Keep coming back and please understand that just because someone stopped drinking, doesn't mean they are ready to be 100% in the relationship. Recovery is about more than quitting drinking. My XAH quit drinking for 15 years and he was a miserable person the whole time. It took me years to figure out that he was just not emotionally or spiritually healthy and that the problem was just as much the alcohol as it was the fact that he needed to get mentally healthy, as well.
Al Anon meetings were most helpful to me when I really felt I needed in real life support. I highly encourage it for you!
Jayla said
Dec 29, 2016
((((LANF)))) I like your name. That's how I feel too--lost and not found. I'm married to an A too who has straight up told me that if the choice is between me and our kids and beer, he chooses beer. He told me he didn't care if he lost me. Maybe one positive thing for you could be that your AW is trying to choose you. Hopefully she can get into AA to help her bc I don't know much about this whole process yet but I do know that they don't change for someone else. They only change when they finally decide they want to. Sending you good wishes.
Hi Everyone,
Im new to the forum and just joined today.
I have been married to my AW for 10 years and been together for 14 years total. She has been drinking to various levels for at least the past 20 years with the only time that she stopped drinking for longer than a week, whilst she was pregnant with our son. She has tried to stop in the past dozens of time but only lasted about a week or so with that whole time being a horrible atmosphere. She now is a Dry drunk who quit 7 weeks ago and seems to be doing well.
she stopped after we had a talk one evening when i told her i have thought for a long time of giving her the ultimatum that i wanted to put two thing on our coffee table. 1 was a bottle of wine and the other was our marriage certificate and ask her to chose the one that is most important to her. So far she has chosen the marriage certificate.
Life with her as a drunk mainly consisted of me watching her gulp down wine in the evening until either i saw that look in her eye when i knew what ever i said next would spark of yet another argument or she would fall asleep, which ever happened first i would go off to bed early for some peace. If we did argue however it would always be my fault as she could never remember what she had said the day after resulting in me apologizing for something i haven't done to keep the peace. Things got that bad in the past that i even tried to drink with her so she couldn't have as much but that resulting in more arguing as she would run out sooner, just desperation on my part i guess.
Even though she inst drinking i still struggle with how things have been with her for the past decade or so, such as treading on eggshell around her and her drinking dominating our relationship. When i am quite or not speaking her response more and more is "you seem more annoyed now that i have quit" but how can she not understand that the last 14 years cant be forgot in a few weeks?, the more she says that the more i think she is just looking for a way to start again.
Bit tired of being the supportive one in the relationship.
Thanks for all who have read this and sorry for going on a bit in an introduction, just feels good to finally get some of my feelings out as i dont feel that i can do that with any of my family/ friends at the minute.
LANF - lost and not found
Welcome LANF So pleased that you "found" us and reached out.
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested but not cured. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alanon is a recovery program for family members who live with or have lived with this dreadful disease. It is here you will find others who understand as few others can and who will help break the isolation caused by living with the disease and offer new tools to live by in the process
I understand the pain of which you speak and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend.(The hotline number is in the white pages)
There is help and hope so please do keep coming back here as well.
It is so much better to air things here so no apology needed, it feels good to hear you getting that frustration off your chest!
When my husband stopped drinking my frustrations and anger came to the surface - I think that I had quashed my feelings for years and was so used to fighting someone else's alcohol as well so when I didn't have that battle on my doorstep anymore I had more time to feel the flashbacks and memories. Oh boy! I was livid! And I don't normally feel anger much at all!!!
So I decided to celebrate those angry feelings because, after all, they were feelings - not the ones I wanted but at least I was feeling something. I used this website and Alanon to speak my thoughts when I needed to. Apart from that I tried to bring some fun back into my life, took time to do the things that I wanted to do and took my attention off my husband - which must have felt good for the both of us.
The first few months of my husband not drinking were the hardest in our relationship - I had expectations of what we would be like and so did he. He was having to live without anaesthetic, and that was difficult for him to do as well. I had to learn to drop my expectations and just take things a day at a time. I sometimes remember to think about my 'three best things of the day' and for a while I used to journal them every single day. There was always something that fitted that description and after a while I learnt to feel grateful for the good things and it took my focus off the bad or the unknown.
Its ok to feel all that frustration and it is very ok to release those feelings here or with others who truly understand. Eventually, when I did that, I got bored of the sound of my own voice and resolved to enjoy life instead. But I had to release my dodgy thoughts along the way. Change, even good change can feel uncomfortable - one day at a time and you'll get there.
I struggle to stop the thoughts in my head sometimes from consuming me but i will try an let some out on here.
Hey Lost! Welcome! I understand and feel your pain. My AH has had many periods of "sobriety" during our marriage. You are correct in labeling your wife as a dry drunk. That is what they are until they seek help and learn to deal with their alcoholism. The AA Big Book puts it this way:
"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals- usually brief- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."
Encourage your spouse to find an AA group if she is willing. In the mean time, remember that she is sick. Remember that the choice she made 7 weeks ago was a real choice but that she doesn't have the coping skills to deal with life on life's terms. Find an Al-Anon group and get some tools to help you understand how to recover. You will find experience, strength and hope!
Know that my prayers are with you as you make these steps.
I had and still have difficulty being still and meditating. That's OK for me - we're about progress and not perfection. So - any effort to do/be different is success in my program.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
Al Anon meetings were most helpful to me when I really felt I needed in real life support. I highly encourage it for you!