Hi all this is my first time here and was looking for some input.
i have been with my girlfriend for over two years, living together the whole time. She's in her 40's and I'm in my 30's.
We moved in together as roomates and shortly after realized that we had feelings for each other. Before I knew she had a drinking problem we would have a couple of drinks together. She then went into a full blown bender and I had to call 911 as she was unresponsive. After hospitalization she came home and drank for another 2 or so weeks. This was my first experience with anyone that drinks like that. It was terrifying.
Since then every month to two months she will go on a bender lasting from two weeks to a month. Sometimes I do not heat from her for a week. From the first bender I completely stopped drinking and do everything to try and deter her from drinking. She has tried counseling, has tried to get into rehab, was in outpatient rehab, and we used to go to AA together with myself being there to support her. But none of this ever lasts long and her binge/bender drinking continues.
So here is maybe where I need some guidance.
i love her very much but it is getting harder and harder to see her do this to herself. I have bad anxiety to begin with and even when she is not drinking I am in constant fear that she is or will drink at the toss of a hat. I want to help and have tried to help but don't know if I'm making her worse.
i want her to get sober but it seems like she tells me she wants to stop, and I know she does, but never goes through with anything. I only want the best for her. Do I stay with her or not? I don't know what to do.
any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read.
hotrod said
Dec 26, 2016
Welcome Brett, Glad that you found us and reached out. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless.
Since we are powerless over this disease , it is important for us to find a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
It is at these meetings I learned to break the isolation caused by focusing all my attention on someone else,and developed new tools to live by.
Please keep coming back here as there is hope and help
Iamhere said
Dec 27, 2016
Hello Brett - I too welcome you to MIP. The disease is baffling and no amount of will-power or desire can treat it effectively. There is really no cure, just treatment through some type of recovery. As Betty suggests, the best we can do is work on ourselves, and Al-Anon is a great way to do just that.
I learned in Al-Anon that I was not alone and I did not have to own/accept blame for the actions of others. I was not responsible for the disease in others, their choices in recovery or in active drinking and/or their journey - only my own. It's hard to watch the disease in one we care about but recovery does give us tools to detach with love and set healthy boundaries for ourselves.
Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!
slogan_jim said
Dec 27, 2016
Hi Brett,
It sounds like your relationship went from 0 to 100 pretty quickly...you guys never even really dated based on your description. You lived with her immediately and you skipped the real 'getting to know you' phase. Perhaps you could have caught this sooner? it's a tough spot cause now you guys can't really date without living together cause that feels like a step back.
None of us here can decide for you if you should stay or not. only you can make that decision. I like hotrod's recommendation of going to al anon meetings to help sort things out for you.
DavidG said
Dec 28, 2016
When i first came to Alanon I learned detachment. This is to opposite of leaving, initially...
...it is about loving the person, but not the illness...
In my 20's i went from one drunken relationship to another... mainly because it was familiar territory for me.
Then I learned to take care of myself, and to make decisions from this point...
Take care,
DavidG.
Jerry F said
Dec 29, 2016
Aloha Brett and I am with the others also especially regarding getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings. I closely relate to your post and I married the women I drank with and the last one was my alcoholic qualifier wife. Our life was hell and there were lots of police and hospital stays and emergency events before I learned how to say alcoholic or alcoholism. Much later I know a whole lot more from inside the program and from college and even from a career as an alcohol and substance abuse counselor.
This disease is about a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body that cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions and not arrested includes insanity and death. It affects everyone it comes into contact with it including family, friends and relationships and we go thru the insanity in much the same way although we do not have the alcohol to block out reality.
Keep coming back here as often as you are able and read the posts and stories wo share this disease with us. (((((hugs)))))
Hi all this is my first time here and was looking for some input.
i have been with my girlfriend for over two years, living together the whole time. She's in her 40's and I'm in my 30's.
We moved in together as roomates and shortly after realized that we had feelings for each other. Before I knew she had a drinking problem we would have a couple of drinks together. She then went into a full blown bender and I had to call 911 as she was unresponsive. After hospitalization she came home and drank for another 2 or so weeks. This was my first experience with anyone that drinks like that. It was terrifying.
Since then every month to two months she will go on a bender lasting from two weeks to a month. Sometimes I do not heat from her for a week. From the first bender I completely stopped drinking and do everything to try and deter her from drinking. She has tried counseling, has tried to get into rehab, was in outpatient rehab, and we used to go to AA together with myself being there to support her. But none of this ever lasts long and her binge/bender drinking continues.
So here is maybe where I need some guidance.
i love her very much but it is getting harder and harder to see her do this to herself. I have bad anxiety to begin with and even when she is not drinking I am in constant fear that she is or will drink at the toss of a hat. I want to help and have tried to help but don't know if I'm making her worse.
i want her to get sober but it seems like she tells me she wants to stop, and I know she does, but never goes through with anything. I only want the best for her. Do I stay with her or not? I don't know what to do.
any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read.
Welcome Brett, Glad that you found us and reached out. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless.
Since we are powerless over this disease , it is important for us to find a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
It is at these meetings I learned to break the isolation caused by focusing all my attention on someone else,and developed new tools to live by.
Please keep coming back here as there is hope and help
I learned in Al-Anon that I was not alone and I did not have to own/accept blame for the actions of others. I was not responsible for the disease in others, their choices in recovery or in active drinking and/or their journey - only my own. It's hard to watch the disease in one we care about but recovery does give us tools to detach with love and set healthy boundaries for ourselves.
Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!
Hi Brett,
It sounds like your relationship went from 0 to 100 pretty quickly...you guys never even really dated based on your description. You lived with her immediately and you skipped the real 'getting to know you' phase. Perhaps you could have caught this sooner? it's a tough spot cause now you guys can't really date without living together cause that feels like a step back.
None of us here can decide for you if you should stay or not. only you can make that decision. I like hotrod's recommendation of going to al anon meetings to help sort things out for you.
When i first came to Alanon I learned detachment. This is to opposite of leaving, initially...
...it is about loving the person, but not the illness...
In my 20's i went from one drunken relationship to another... mainly because it was familiar territory for me.
Then I learned to take care of myself, and to make decisions from this point...
Take care,
DavidG.
Aloha Brett and I am with the others also especially regarding getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings. I closely relate to your post and I married the women I drank with and the last one was my alcoholic qualifier wife. Our life was hell and there were lots of police and hospital stays and emergency events before I learned how to say alcoholic or alcoholism. Much later I know a whole lot more from inside the program and from college and even from a career as an alcohol and substance abuse counselor.
This disease is about a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body that cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions and not arrested includes insanity and death. It affects everyone it comes into contact with it including family, friends and relationships and we go thru the insanity in much the same way although we do not have the alcohol to block out reality.
Keep coming back here as often as you are able and read the posts and stories wo share this disease with us. (((((hugs)))))