Life has been peaceful and on track for a great 2017. BUT I have guilt. Guilt because I'm not helping and talking much to my son and guilt because I'm not taking care of my X. Haven't heard from them lately so I don't know what's going on but my fear it's not good. I have quilt I'm not finding out and taking care of it. WHY ??? Why should I feel quilting for starting a new life and leaving them out of it? I keep telling myself I can't make their lives better. I can't give them what they might need to be happy.
I love them and want the best for them. I want, want and want more for them but whatever I DO will never be the answer...I know this...I know this in my heart.
I wish it would all go away and I can be happy but I still have this nagging thoughts that I can't shake. I take it one day at a time with prayers for their happiness and health with hopes that my son will have a good life someday.
OK enough of that. I'm doing great and just love my new home and freedom. I'm even starting to get out. Went to a paint party and that's me on the right......never could paint but I gave it a good college try....LOL Yeah look at the picture that night.....just what I needed Wine and Flowers..but my friends and I had a great time together. I'm also going to have a New Years Eve Tacos and Karaoke Party.
*((Cathy)) You look beautiful I am happy you have connected with new friends and are planning a party. Happy New Year--Your painting is lovely
Guilt is part of living with the dreadful disease of alcoholism. Working Steps 4 through 10 helped me to let go of unresolved guilt. Remembering that we are responsible for our own life and powerless over others helps as well.
Jill said
Dec 20, 2016
Cathy, I agree with Betty.
It helped me a lot to remember my "help" was not helping them. It just gave me a way to take the focus off me and fed my martyr-bone, but who needs that?
When I could stop getting between them and the consequences of their behaviors, well then what? Me is what. Not a bad garden to spend my time, as it turns out.
I am much better at treating them with dignity and respect than I did when I "helped". When I knew better, I did better.
This, for me, is better.
LinSC said
Dec 20, 2016
More than likely you were brought up to be a helper, fixer, nurturer as most women are, well guess what you can't change that in just a couple of months! It takes courage and time to change those feelings. Give yourself time, this ground is all new to you. You have spoken with your actions, you are no longer going to coddle them. You deserve all the peace you are getting now.
Linsc
el-cee said
Dec 21, 2016
Lovely picture and good on you Cathy. Your living YOUR life for you. No guilt needed. Your ex and son are both living their lives for them. All just as it should be. The 'caring' and 'fixing' and looking after is addictive but letting go is the right thing to do for everyone. You are entitled to a good life and it is your sole responsibility to improve and make your life good. Well done for taking your responsibilities seriously and getting out there and having fun.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 21, 2016
Hugs Cathy .. Life on life's terms go with it. The other stuff that's just the itty bitty $#itty committee. It's also more time to focus on yourself. Your progress looks amazing pretty lady!!! Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Dec 21, 2016
Hey (((Cathy))) - good to see you and I love your painting. I have a group of gals and one teaches the classes for painting. She keeps inviting and I keep saying NO - I can not even draw a circle. The artistic gene did not make it to me - did not even float above my head!!!
I too have moments of guilt and the floating thoughts of should I do more....and from that, it starts a thinking process where I end up with blame and shame. I believe deep in my brain that I did all that I knew to do, and gave all that I had to help them towards a 'better path'...of course, that path was defined by me (EGO) and they declined. Much as i decline to go to a paint party, they too have declined the easier, softer way - for now!!!
I agree that step work helps - I love how my sponsor can simply help me see that I am a good person, a good mom and I did the best I could. I made mistakes, and that's expected because I am human. Accepting me as I am helped me to accept them as they are. I have said it before and I'll repeat because I need to hear it - the holidays tend to be stressful and for me, when I reflect, it can make me lean towards the insanity of my disease. Working on what's good helps and I remain hopeful that there will be a holiday season where I can reflect and recall the happy memories only! It will happen as it does seem to get easier each time.
We're here for you and I'm so glad you stopped by for the update. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your extended - Merry Christmas and it sounds like you already gotta great plan to bring in the new year!! (((Hugs)))
KennyFenderjazz said
Dec 21, 2016
Hi Cathy,
In addition to all of the above ESH, I notice that your son or husband haven't asked for your help. That should help reduce the guilt, I would assume if they had something wrong that they think that you could fix for them they would call you.
You're looking good, glad you are able to get out and have some fun!
Kenny
Jerry F said
Dec 21, 2016
I was well into my recovery when I felt those two emotions that were devastating to my ego; guilt and shame and the solution for me was to do an honestinventory with my sponsor as necessary and then go for the amends...the changing the things I can. The outcome was marvelous...I grew up. When I paint I only use one color as I keep it simple. Those who look at my painting have to use their imaginations lol .... ((((hugs))))
milkwood said
Dec 21, 2016
Wow Cathy, I love your painting and the bright and cheerful photo. Whew - what a sense of humour someone on high seems to have had! Hopefully it will be fruit next time!!!
It is inspiring to see you taking up your new life and I agree with all that has been said above and ditto Kenny's point as well.
Cathyinaz said
Dec 23, 2016
Thank you ALL
I'm living in the present and taking if one day at a time. I'm happy and that's a good thing.
Everyone have a Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Hi Everyone
Life has been peaceful and on track for a great 2017. BUT I have guilt. Guilt because I'm not helping and talking much to my son and guilt because I'm not taking care of my X. Haven't heard from them lately so I don't know what's going on but my fear it's not good. I have quilt I'm not finding out and taking care of it. WHY ??? Why should I feel quilting for starting a new life and leaving them out of it? I keep telling myself I can't make their lives better. I can't give them what they might need to be happy.
I love them and want the best for them. I want, want and want more for them but whatever I DO will never be the answer...I know this...I know this in my heart.
I wish it would all go away and I can be happy but I still have this nagging thoughts that I can't shake. I take it one day at a time with prayers for their happiness and health with hopes that my son will have a good life someday.
OK enough of that. I'm doing great and just love my new home and freedom. I'm even starting to get out. Went to a paint party and that's me on the right......never could paint but I gave it a good college try....LOL Yeah look at the picture that night.....just what I needed Wine and Flowers..but my friends and I had a great time together. I'm also going to have a New Years Eve Tacos and Karaoke Party.
*((Cathy)) You look beautiful I am happy you have connected with new friends and are planning a party. Happy New Year--Your painting is lovely
Guilt is part of living with the dreadful disease of alcoholism. Working Steps 4 through 10 helped me to let go of unresolved guilt. Remembering that we are responsible for our own life and powerless over others helps as well.
It helped me a lot to remember my "help" was not helping them. It just gave me a way to take the focus off me and fed my martyr-bone, but who needs that?
When I could stop getting between them and the consequences of their behaviors, well then what? Me is what. Not a bad garden to spend my time, as it turns out.
I am much better at treating them with dignity and respect than I did when I "helped". When I knew better, I did better.
This, for me, is better.
More than likely you were brought up to be a helper, fixer, nurturer as most women are, well guess what you can't change that in just a couple of months! It takes courage and time to change those feelings. Give yourself time, this ground is all new to you. You have spoken with your actions, you are no longer going to coddle them. You deserve all the peace you are getting now.
Linsc
Lovely picture and good on you Cathy. Your living YOUR life for you. No guilt needed. Your ex and son are both living their lives for them. All just as it should be. The 'caring' and 'fixing' and looking after is addictive but letting go is the right thing to do for everyone. You are entitled to a good life and it is your sole responsibility to improve and make your life good. Well done for taking your responsibilities seriously and getting out there and having fun.
I too have moments of guilt and the floating thoughts of should I do more....and from that, it starts a thinking process where I end up with blame and shame. I believe deep in my brain that I did all that I knew to do, and gave all that I had to help them towards a 'better path'...of course, that path was defined by me (EGO) and they declined. Much as i decline to go to a paint party, they too have declined the easier, softer way - for now!!!
I agree that step work helps - I love how my sponsor can simply help me see that I am a good person, a good mom and I did the best I could. I made mistakes, and that's expected because I am human. Accepting me as I am helped me to accept them as they are. I have said it before and I'll repeat because I need to hear it - the holidays tend to be stressful and for me, when I reflect, it can make me lean towards the insanity of my disease. Working on what's good helps and I remain hopeful that there will be a holiday season where I can reflect and recall the happy memories only! It will happen as it does seem to get easier each time.
We're here for you and I'm so glad you stopped by for the update. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your extended - Merry Christmas and it sounds like you already gotta great plan to bring in the new year!! (((Hugs)))
In addition to all of the above ESH, I notice that your son or husband haven't asked for your help. That should help reduce the guilt, I would assume if they had something wrong that they think that you could fix for them they would call you.
You're looking good, glad you are able to get out and have some fun!
Kenny
I was well into my recovery when I felt those two emotions that were devastating to my ego; guilt and shame and the solution for me was to do an honest inventory with my sponsor as necessary and then go for the amends...the changing the things I can. The outcome was marvelous...I grew up. When I paint I only use one color as I keep it simple. Those who look at my painting have to use their imaginations lol .... ((((hugs))))
It is inspiring to see you taking up your new life and I agree with all that has been said above and ditto Kenny's point as well.
I'm living in the present and taking if one day at a time. I'm happy and that's a good thing.
Everyone have a Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
((( HUGS )))