so my br is just out of hospital again with liver problems and this is second time in six months. he is a mess, he looks a mess and he is still drinking. He is staying with a friend. My mother is a widow and panders to him all the time. We have no other siblings. I have a husband a 3 small children. My mother wants to host christmas which means he will be there. We have had many eventful Christmas in the past because of him and I am really not up to spending this year with him again. My mother says that she will not leave him on his own for Christmas. I have invited her to spend it us, but she is refusing. I will not have my children around him in the state he is in at the moment. I am uncomfortable in his company too, and when I last spoke to him he was very aggressive towarDs me. My mother, who lives alone, is very upset that we wont spend Christmas with her and my brother and she is making me feel guilty and selfish. I feel that I must put my needs and children first. I have had this issue for years and I have always backed down. Christmas Day is like walking on egg shells and is always uncomfortable. This year I really want to put my foot down and stay at home with my husband and kids......am I being selfish?
Jerry F said
Dec 19, 2016
For me you are not and then you are not concerned about the issue for me. This is a "you" issue and you are responsible for the choice and the consequence of that choice. When I learned that it made we uncomfortable until my sponsor taught me how many variables I had available to my choices. Remember our recovery is measured by progression not perfection. Do the best you can with what you have and remember you lhave a Higher Power standing with you. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Dec 19, 2016
Welcome Ralph To answer your question NO you are not being selfish You are taking care of yourself, and your family and that is what is most important to you.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless, This disease adversely affects every member of the family so alanon was established as a recovery program for the family. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is here I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease and developed new tools to live by . I learned to keep the focus on myself, draw healthy boundaries and to live and let live.
Please keep coming back.
Ralph16 said
Dec 19, 2016
Thank you. I have made my decision and I am going to try to stick with it. I know my mother is upset and this time of year is very difficult for her without my father. She would love to have the children around her at Christmas. I wish she would spend it with us but she is adamant that she will not leave my brother alone. She has told me that I have to tell him if we are not going to be there. I really don't want to fall out with he, because a part from my brother I am all she has. I really cannot face the day with him and I feel I need to shield the children from him.
Iamhere said
Dec 20, 2016
Welcome to MIP Ralph - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry for the affects the disease is having on your processing, family and feelings. You are not alone! I agree that you are not in the wrong - we all have choices and we all have the right to make informed decisions for our own needs/wants.
I too can recommend recovery in Al-Anon - and anyone affected by the drinking of a family member or friend is welcome....whether your alcoholic (qualifier) is in recovery or not. For me, attending meetings locally and working the program was a game-changer, and gave me hope and help where I felt things were hopeless.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
deacon said
Dec 20, 2016
Welcome Ralph. Life is all about choices and you have made one based on past experiences. You and your family deserve a happy and peaceful Christmas and you are making decisions to ensure this. You want your children to remember Christmas day as a joyful and loving occasion.
Being a mom, I understand your mother's need to be with the wounded child and also the desire to have both her children with her. She no doubt dreams that THIS will be the perfect Christmas, that THIS time your brother will be sociable, that THIS time ... well you know what we enablers do. And we are just so good at laying down the old guilt trap!
What Al- Anon has done for me is to teach me that I am not selfish in wanting peace in my family and that detachment is not a punitive action but rather a life saving strategy. Keep coming back. It works.
Jazzie18 said
Dec 20, 2016
No you are not selfish. Being a mom, you have to do what is right for your family and little kids. My mother tries to pull the guilt game on me all of the time and just know that you are not alone in this dilemma. Do what is right for you and your family and say some extra prayers for your mom and brother. In the end, you will be grateful that you had a peaceful and stress free holiday.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 21st of December 2016 09:51:00 AM
so my br is just out of hospital again with liver problems and this is second time in six months. he is a mess, he looks a mess and he is still drinking. He is staying with a friend. My mother is a widow and panders to him all the time. We have no other siblings. I have a husband a 3 small children. My mother wants to host christmas which means he will be there. We have had many eventful Christmas in the past because of him and I am really not up to spending this year with him again. My mother says that she will not leave him on his own for Christmas. I have invited her to spend it us, but she is refusing. I will not have my children around him in the state he is in at the moment. I am uncomfortable in his company too, and when I last spoke to him he was very aggressive towarDs me. My mother, who lives alone, is very upset that we wont spend Christmas with her and my brother and she is making me feel guilty and selfish. I feel that I must put my needs and children first. I have had this issue for years and I have always backed down. Christmas Day is like walking on egg shells and is always uncomfortable. This year I really want to put my foot down and stay at home with my husband and kids......am I being selfish?
For me you are not and then you are not concerned about the issue for me. This is a "you" issue and you are responsible for the choice and the consequence of that choice. When I learned that it made we uncomfortable until my sponsor taught me how many variables I had available to my choices. Remember our recovery is measured by progression not perfection. Do the best you can with what you have and remember you lhave a Higher Power standing with you. ((((hugs))))
Welcome Ralph To answer your question NO you are not being selfish You are taking care of yourself, and your family and that is what is most important to you.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless, This disease adversely affects every member of the family so alanon was established as a recovery program for the family. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is here I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease and developed new tools to live by . I learned to keep the focus on myself, draw healthy boundaries and to live and let live.
Please keep coming back.
I too can recommend recovery in Al-Anon - and anyone affected by the drinking of a family member or friend is welcome....whether your alcoholic (qualifier) is in recovery or not. For me, attending meetings locally and working the program was a game-changer, and gave me hope and help where I felt things were hopeless.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Being a mom, I understand your mother's need to be with the wounded child and also the desire to have both her children with her. She no doubt dreams that THIS will be the perfect Christmas, that THIS time your brother will be sociable, that THIS time ... well you know what we enablers do. And we are just so good at laying down the old guilt trap!
What Al- Anon has done for me is to teach me that I am not selfish in wanting peace in my family and that detachment is not a punitive action but rather a life saving strategy. Keep coming back. It works.
No you are not selfish. Being a mom, you have to do what is right for your family and little kids. My mother tries to pull the guilt game on me all of the time and just know that you are not alone in this dilemma. Do what is right for you and your family and say some extra prayers for your mom and brother. In the end, you will be grateful that you had a peaceful and stress free holiday.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 21st of December 2016 09:51:00 AM