Messages from the ex-he-man flooding in tonight. "I need to talk to you" "I just want to chat for a sec" "I know you're too busy because you're busy being a a braniac and doing braniac things" I know you are too busy for me but wont you...(sends supertramp's "give a little bit") and then, all 3 parts of Stevie Wright's "Evie"...followed by, "you're my Evie. You'll always be my Evie.".
I think Stevie Wright is Australian so many of you folks won't know the song. It's a good one; if you have the time, enjoy it. If you happen to like like 70's stuff, I guess. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In1VeSjsBT8
It gets me right where it hurts.The supertramp song hits me in the guts more than anything; he knows that the first time I met my father he sang that song to me and it reduces me to tears every time I hear it. There are only 2 songs that can do that, the other one is Art Garfunkle's Bright Eyes (because, you know, sad rabbits). I'm surprised he didn't rock that one out too. God, part of me wants to respond with something other than "I'm sorry, I'm really busy". The same part of me that wants to pretend that he isn't that drunk. And maybe it will be OK...
But you know what? Before he started up his crap tonight, I was doing just fine. I wasn't sad and I wasn't crying. I was working hard and enjoying the way I have been moving through the stuff I have to learn (currently, phytochemistry). I was really pleased with how much sense it was making to me. (Its really freaking interesting stuff). It occurs to me that maybe my feelings (which, didjaknow aren't facts) should be mine, not something that can be used to manipulate me. Any it also occurs to me that he isn't trying to hurt me, he's just drunk and doing what he does when he's drunk, which is try to connect with people in really shitty, unacceptable ways. None of it is personal and all of it is sad.
I love him. I hate this. But I wont lose any more of my life to it. F%^$ a duck, I was laughing before and now I cant even imagine how that felt or why. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to watch funny videos until I am laughing again, and then I'm going to get back to the phyto-chemistry. Because I have choices and I choose to not be a slave to my emotions.
Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 19th of December 2016 03:01:41 AM
lookingup said
Dec 19, 2016
I love how your coping with this Melissa ,I learn so much from your posts,thank you for posting how you handled your sit.in a great positive way.......hugs lu,,,,,,I'm gonna have to watch the video,thanks for sharing video also.......
hotrod said
Dec 19, 2016
Good morning Ms. M, I agree with LU. I love how you are processing the situation and how you will came to the realization that your subjects in school are interesting and understandable- when you concentrate and are not distracted.
That song is powerful and I would like to suggest another one that you can listen to if you are tempted to make a telephone call; it is:" I will survive" a very powerful reminder of who you are and what you can do. Here is the YouTube link enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I
MissM said
Dec 19, 2016
I haven't heard that song for a long time Betty. Good choice I enjoy this version of it too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KJjVMqNIgA
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 19th of December 2016 08:22:59 AM
hotrod said
Dec 19, 2016
Hi Ms.M "Cake's" version is fantastic as well. It delivers the same powerful message
KennyFenderjazz said
Dec 19, 2016
Hmm, I got focused on other and not self in this thread, because my first though was that you need to tell him to Take the Long Way Home lol.
Kenny
hotrod said
Dec 19, 2016
Great Idea Kenny
2HP said
Dec 19, 2016
I LOVE IT!!! this is how it works, substituting peace, joy, and harmony for the insanity. in other words, loving Higher Power MORE than.......................... (this.)
Great post, thank (((you)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of December 2016 01:10:05 AM
andromeda said
Dec 19, 2016
Oh, Betty, I love Cake...one of my favorite bands, lol.
And, Melissa, you are doing awesome! I'm in the middle of studying crazy finance stuff and I love it. Keep doing what you are doing girl. You are working such a great program.
sarahGee said
Dec 20, 2016
Love this post. It's hard not to engage.. isn't it? You're much farther along in this than I am. I always love reading your posts. You and I seem to have a lot in common.
Pinning that he's just trying to connect with someone, anyone.. in an unacceptable way, that's pretty neat to me. I have felt the same way but haven't been able to put words to it.
My ex calls me at work every once in a while and pulls the same stuff. Today it was "something my sponsor told me not to tell you, but I'm going to anyway". Was that an attempt at showing loyalty? Sadly, before, I would have viewed it as such. What he told me was entirely inappropriate and his sponsor was right, he shouldn't have told me. The cool thing is that I have my wits about me, thanks to Al Anon. I can see now how he's trying to engage me in unhealthy ways. And you can't blame them, because for so long, it worked.
I have blocked him from my cell phone so he can't get me at all hours of the night, or disturb my peace. I've finally learned I'm better when I'm away from him. When I cave and let him get to me, I find myself doing the same things. Turning to literature, funny videos, or engaging with my kids (cooking/reading/make a puzzle etc). Their innocence seems to square me pretty quickly.
I'm a sucker for music too. Although his last few links sent to my email didn't have the same effect as they used to.
"Sorry I made your life hell, here's a Jesus and Mary Chain song. See how deep and emotional I am?" ... bleh.
savingmyself said
Dec 20, 2016
I mostly just read others' posts on here, as I don't have much to offer in the way of strength or hope. But I wanted to let you know I alway enjoy and relate strongly to your posts.
Aerin said
Dec 20, 2016
I agree with another poster. Block his number on your cellphone. He won't get a message he is blocked. He just thinks you are getting the messages but not answering. This simple step will help so much
MissM said
Dec 21, 2016
Thanks for the support all! And lol, Kenny. Good choice of song.
One thing I am finally getting my head around is the fact that if I don't respond/engage with this stuff then I have less to worry about. I'm losing the "guilt" I used to feel when I didn't respond to drunk nonsense. Yay. I don't even know why I thought I had to before but I used to...as if I had to respond to each and every thing that was said to me no matter how destructive or pointless.
I did follow my own advice eventually that night and my juvenile sense of humor and I watched old SNL videos until I was crying (from laughter). Opting to find humor when I am sad/upset is a really effective tool, for me
Anyway hugs to all and thanks again for the support and ESH (((Everyone)))
-- Edited by MissM on Wednesday 21st of December 2016 04:43:13 AM
1911A1 said
Dec 21, 2016
One of the hardest things I had to learn was that when my ex reached out to me in such a fashion, it wasn't really reaching out...it was just another form of manipulation. And indeed, not engaging is the remedy. The best way I heard it put is, "drop the rope." When the other person is trying to get me to play tug of war, I choose to drop the rope. Picking up that rope is forfeiting my serenity.
The really cool thing about that phrase? Notice that is says, "drop" the rope, not "do not pick up" the rope. It assumes that we, as longtime doormats, will instinctively (especially while we're still learning this better way of living) pick up the rope...BUT we can also catch ourselves and drop it before we end up being pulled into a place we don't want to be.
This is a difficult lesson for recovering people pleasers like us. But as long as there remains something to learn, HP will keep allowing the lessons to come.
Messages from the ex-he-man flooding in tonight. "I need to talk to you" "I just want to chat for a sec" "I know you're too busy because you're busy being a a braniac and doing braniac things" I know you are too busy for me but wont you...(sends supertramp's "give a little bit") and then, all 3 parts of Stevie Wright's "Evie"...followed by, "you're my Evie. You'll always be my Evie.".
I think Stevie Wright is Australian so many of you folks won't know the song. It's a good one; if you have the time, enjoy it. If you happen to like like 70's stuff, I guess. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In1VeSjsBT8
It gets me right where it hurts.The supertramp song hits me in the guts more than anything; he knows that the first time I met my father he sang that song to me and it reduces me to tears every time I hear it. There are only 2 songs that can do that, the other one is Art Garfunkle's Bright Eyes (because, you know, sad rabbits). I'm surprised he didn't rock that one out too. God, part of me wants to respond with something other than "I'm sorry, I'm really busy". The same part of me that wants to pretend that he isn't that drunk. And maybe it will be OK...
But you know what? Before he started up his crap tonight, I was doing just fine. I wasn't sad and I wasn't crying. I was working hard and enjoying the way I have been moving through the stuff I have to learn (currently, phytochemistry). I was really pleased with how much sense it was making to me. (Its really freaking interesting stuff). It occurs to me that maybe my feelings (which, didjaknow aren't facts) should be mine, not something that can be used to manipulate me. Any it also occurs to me that he isn't trying to hurt me, he's just drunk and doing what he does when he's drunk, which is try to connect with people in really shitty, unacceptable ways. None of it is personal and all of it is sad.
I love him. I hate this. But I wont lose any more of my life to it. F%^$ a duck, I was laughing before and now I cant even imagine how that felt or why. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to watch funny videos until I am laughing again, and then I'm going to get back to the phyto-chemistry. Because I have choices and I choose to not be a slave to my emotions.
Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 19th of December 2016 03:01:41 AM
Good morning Ms. M, I agree with LU. I love how you are processing the situation and how you will came to the realization that your subjects in school are interesting and understandable- when you concentrate and are not distracted.
That song is powerful and I would like to suggest another one that you can listen to if you are tempted to make a telephone call; it is:" I will survive" a very powerful reminder of who you are and what you can do. Here is the YouTube link enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I
I haven't heard that song for a long time Betty. Good choice
I enjoy this version of it too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KJjVMqNIgA
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 19th of December 2016 08:22:59 AM
Kenny
I LOVE IT!!! this is how it works, substituting peace, joy, and harmony for the insanity. in other words, loving Higher Power MORE than.......................... (this.)
Great post, thank (((you)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of December 2016 01:10:05 AM
And, Melissa, you are doing awesome! I'm in the middle of studying crazy finance stuff and I love it. Keep doing what you are doing girl. You are working such a great program.
Pinning that he's just trying to connect with someone, anyone.. in an unacceptable way, that's pretty neat to me. I have felt the same way but haven't been able to put words to it.
My ex calls me at work every once in a while and pulls the same stuff. Today it was "something my sponsor told me not to tell you, but I'm going to anyway". Was that an attempt at showing loyalty? Sadly, before, I would have viewed it as such. What he told me was entirely inappropriate and his sponsor was right, he shouldn't have told me. The cool thing is that I have my wits about me, thanks to Al Anon. I can see now how he's trying to engage me in unhealthy ways. And you can't blame them, because for so long, it worked.
I have blocked him from my cell phone so he can't get me at all hours of the night, or disturb my peace. I've finally learned I'm better when I'm away from him. When I cave and let him get to me, I find myself doing the same things. Turning to literature, funny videos, or engaging with my kids (cooking/reading/make a puzzle etc). Their innocence seems to square me pretty quickly.
I'm a sucker for music too. Although his last few links sent to my email didn't have the same effect as they used to.
"Sorry I made your life hell, here's a Jesus and Mary Chain song. See how deep and emotional I am?" ... bleh.
Thanks for the support all! And lol, Kenny. Good choice of song.
One thing I am finally getting my head around is the fact that if I don't respond/engage with this stuff then I have less to worry about. I'm losing the "guilt" I used to feel when I didn't respond to drunk nonsense. Yay. I don't even know why I thought I had to before but I used to...as if I had to respond to each and every thing that was said to me no matter how destructive or pointless.
I did follow my own advice eventually that night and my juvenile sense of humor and I watched old SNL videos until I was crying (from laughter). Opting to find humor when I am sad/upset is a really effective tool, for me
Anyway hugs to all and thanks again for the support and ESH
(((Everyone)))
-- Edited by MissM on Wednesday 21st of December 2016 04:43:13 AM
The really cool thing about that phrase? Notice that is says, "drop" the rope, not "do not pick up" the rope. It assumes that we, as longtime doormats, will instinctively (especially while we're still learning this better way of living) pick up the rope...BUT we can also catch ourselves and drop it before we end up being pulled into a place we don't want to be.
This is a difficult lesson for recovering people pleasers like us. But as long as there remains something to learn, HP will keep allowing the lessons to come.