I am writing this down as a sort of 'get it all out there' and a 'youve made up your mind now - stick to it!'
I am done. I simply will not live this life anymore.
There is no reason for me to carry on living with this man who is incapable of getting help and truly accepting his binge drinking problems. You may remember me from a post in September and I would like to thank you all wholeheartidly for your advice as you've helped bring me down this path.
i am only in my 20s and there is no reason I should carry on this life. This is not a happy life.
A few weeks ago he got violent and I think that was the tipping point. I love him but I also hate him, i am so angry and hateful and I can't imagine life without him but I can't bear anymore of this.
it is 1.30am and he's out drunk and I've locked the doors and I just simply don't care anymore.
someone else can deal with it for a change. I have no support from his friends or family and I just can't cope on my own anymore.
Im sorry for this pointless rant but I feel as if I don't get all of this down I will forget this feeling, this complete feeling of 'this is not right anymore'. I have fought this gut feeling for so long but my head and my heart know this relationship is more pain than it ever is love anymore.
Come January I am moving to a new place with my dogs and I am gone. i just won't do it anymore.
Jt0506 said
Dec 17, 2016
Having read all that it really just reads as a self indulgent me moment and I'm sorry - it's not really asking for advice - I just felt I needed a safe place to say it all.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 17, 2016
Hugs JT .. I'm glad you feel safe enough to share all that here. Living with addiction is not an easy path. I left my XAH when I was 42 .. It was not easy and everyone has their own answer which there Is no right answer For everyone .. It's very much an individual choice. Hugs glad you are here. ;)
deacon said
Dec 17, 2016
I so admire you JT. You have done your thinking, looked down the road and seen your future and realized that you deserve better than this and are ready to move on. I don't think it was a pointless rant, I think it was a declaration you needed to put on paper.
hotrod said
Dec 17, 2016
((JT)) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
milkwood said
Dec 18, 2016
(((((JT)))))
I did not see anything self indulgent or rant-ist in your post. Especially if you've experienced violence. I read a touch of sadness and acceptance of about your situation. And I also read between the lines a voice that was saying I'm worth it!
For many years of my life I thought that I was being selfish when I felt the need to look after myself. I grew up in an environment where I was looked after by others and I reciprocated by looking after them. When I came across a situation where care of others was not on the agenda I did not know how to react but having realised that I deserved better than I was getting from my partner it felt empowering and right to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for myself. It did not feel selfish at all, although it took me a while to realise that the guilt that I was feeling was actually someone else's voice trying to lead me in a downward direction.
Stay safe, and do what feels right for you - it is ok to do that.
lookingup said
Dec 18, 2016
so glad your here ((((jt))))), I to left my axbf 6 mths ago,can relate to having to lock him out to,for he stayed messed up most of the time and could get ver violent at times along with other scary behaviors,depending on what he was taking at the time.
I've been coming to alanon for years off and on,decided I'd try working the steps a year ago with a sponsor ,the steps have been a great blessing to me in my life today,when I dug in to working them I didn't want to let up 7 days a week mostly,such growth I've had during this past year,I'm taking it ever so slowly learning all I can,coming here often reading mostly others posts,your post did stand out to me ,I guess just like others in the program most have been there in your sit.today I'm still working my steps and useing the tools a lot,,
Serenity prayer and focusing on myself being my 2 best freinds I keep close by everyday,,,,I know alanon works ,it's working for me.
Remember to take care of you,n it's one moment at a time or day ,treat yourself to something special,I know how stressful it is being in such a situation with an a,,,,,,,,,,,hugs...lu
Jt0506 said
Dec 18, 2016
If anything this morning only proves it more. He is not just hurtful the night of the alcohol the morning after he's intolerable, he drinks so much it's still in his system and the things he says and way he is with me is like this whole other person. I'm terrified and so angry all at the same time. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking he might be violent again when he wanted in the bed, and once I managed to get him out (leaving me with no pillows or duvet) I lost it and smashed something over his leg (fully covered in duvet). Yes that was so unbelievably wrong, I know that, but for me it was kind of like taking part some form of control or power. He makes me feel so worthless and insecure and like a fragment of who I am and know I am, I don't feel independent or empowered with him anymore I feel weak and useless. Striking out at him, after he had so visibly intimidated me and verbally abused me, felt good even if was wrong. Of course now it's led to a morning of abuse and yelling from him, ignoring the fact when he originally came in I got hit and pushed for trying to move him from the couch - but as he was passed out cold he wouldn't remember that so it didn't happen.
It only shows me the affects he's having not only are wearing down me and my character but actually affecting who I am as a person - I never want to be that person who loses it violently like that. I find myself sitting here racked with guilt and trying to explain it or justify it, I know there's no justification, yet I'm angry too that he fixates on something like that yet again because as long as he doesn't have to blame himself he's alright.
I'm so tired of being second fiddle to a bottle.
hotrod said
Dec 18, 2016
((JT)) you have just worked a 10th Step on your actions so please do forgive yourself. Remember we are all imperfect human beings and need to not only forgive others when they slip, we most importantly, need to forgive ourselves. Learn the lessons that the incident has presented and then let it go. Living with this dreadful disease is extremely difficult and that is why alanon meetings are so important.
YARNCRAZY said
Dec 18, 2016
you are lucky you reconized this so early and are getting out when u are young. i was 58 and waited 25 yrs to leave
Iamhere said
Dec 18, 2016
I'm also sending you positive thoughts and prayers JT - the disease is maddening and self-care - whatever that looks like is necessary for recovery and sanity!
a4l said
Dec 18, 2016
Be kind to yourself lovey. Its all a process. Having a personal line one draws and being aware of it is a good start. Keep coming back.
a4l said
Dec 18, 2016
Also, relationships that change who you are as a person.....that woke me up big time. He was and is an alcoholic with a drinking problem but i came to have an anger problem. It was that more than anything which made me take on board alanon again. After two smashed phones--the binging one wouldn't bloody answer his phone so take that! -- a few holes in the wall, and just this trigger point that got more and more sensitive as time went on. Dealing with an alcoholic is unique. This is the right place, alanon, its litetature. Getting them sober is another hreat resource. " few people could stay sane in your home" was a quote that helped me in the beginning. You're not alone and it can get better if you put in the work. "it works if you work it so work it you're worth it". Take care.
Jt0506 said
Dec 22, 2016
A4l what you just said really speaks to me. I have definitely developed an anger issue. I have always struggled with my temper and have been through CBT to combat it as well as general mental health issues, and I've been doing so well, but his alcoholism triggers me badly. When I'm hurt I get angry. And he has the power out of anyone to hurt me the most.
I'm afraid YARNCRAZY I don't feel so lucky. I don't want to get out, I love him and when sober he is an amazing person, but I can't count on that to get me through anymore. I'm sorry you had to deal with it for so long, I can imagine how exhausted you must have felt having dealt with only 6 years of it I know I'm utterly exhausted.
Thank you all for your wishes and kind words. I'm leaving in January and it's going to be very tough but I believe it is the right decision. I need to put me first.
It is such a horrible disease and it's horrible to walk away from a loved one with the disease - but it takes over your life in a way I just can no longer handle.
Green Eyes said
Dec 22, 2016
YARNCRAZY wrote:
you are lucky you reconized this so early and are getting out when u are young. i was 58 and waited 25 yrs to leave
I was 53 and waited 30 years before I finally decided to leave. My AH died two years after I left him from his disease. He chose to drink over our marriage, which broke my heart because I still loved him, even though I chose to leave him. Sending you my support and hope!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 22nd of December 2016 03:00:05 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 22nd of December 2016 03:00:25 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 22nd of December 2016 06:52:33 PM
I am writing this down as a sort of 'get it all out there' and a 'youve made up your mind now - stick to it!'
I am done. I simply will not live this life anymore.
There is no reason for me to carry on living with this man who is incapable of getting help and truly accepting his binge drinking problems. You may remember me from a post in September and I would like to thank you all wholeheartidly for your advice as you've helped bring me down this path.
i am only in my 20s and there is no reason I should carry on this life. This is not a happy life.
A few weeks ago he got violent and I think that was the tipping point. I love him but I also hate him, i am so angry and hateful and I can't imagine life without him but I can't bear anymore of this.
it is 1.30am and he's out drunk and I've locked the doors and I just simply don't care anymore.
someone else can deal with it for a change. I have no support from his friends or family and I just can't cope on my own anymore.
Im sorry for this pointless rant but I feel as if I don't get all of this down I will forget this feeling, this complete feeling of 'this is not right anymore'. I have fought this gut feeling for so long but my head and my heart know this relationship is more pain than it ever is love anymore.
Come January I am moving to a new place with my dogs and I am gone. i just won't do it anymore.
I did not see anything self indulgent or rant-ist in your post. Especially if you've experienced violence. I read a touch of sadness and acceptance of about your situation. And I also read between the lines a voice that was saying I'm worth it!
For many years of my life I thought that I was being selfish when I felt the need to look after myself. I grew up in an environment where I was looked after by others and I reciprocated by looking after them. When I came across a situation where care of others was not on the agenda I did not know how to react but having realised that I deserved better than I was getting from my partner it felt empowering and right to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for myself. It did not feel selfish at all, although it took me a while to realise that the guilt that I was feeling was actually someone else's voice trying to lead me in a downward direction.
Stay safe, and do what feels right for you - it is ok to do that.
I've been coming to alanon for years off and on,decided I'd try working the steps a year ago with a sponsor ,the steps have been a great blessing to me in my life today,when I dug in to working them I didn't want to let up 7 days a week mostly,such growth I've had during this past year,I'm taking it ever so slowly learning all I can,coming here often reading mostly others posts,your post did stand out to me ,I guess just like others in the program most have been there in your sit.today I'm still working my steps and useing the tools a lot,,
Serenity prayer and focusing on myself being my 2 best freinds I keep close by everyday,,,,I know alanon works ,it's working for me.
Remember to take care of you,n it's one moment at a time or day ,treat yourself to something special,I know how stressful it is being in such a situation with an a,,,,,,,,,,,hugs...lu
It only shows me the affects he's having not only are wearing down me and my character but actually affecting who I am as a person - I never want to be that person who loses it violently like that. I find myself sitting here racked with guilt and trying to explain it or justify it, I know there's no justification, yet I'm angry too that he fixates on something like that yet again because as long as he doesn't have to blame himself he's alright.
I'm so tired of being second fiddle to a bottle.
I'm afraid YARNCRAZY I don't feel so lucky. I don't want to get out, I love him and when sober he is an amazing person, but I can't count on that to get me through anymore. I'm sorry you had to deal with it for so long, I can imagine how exhausted you must have felt having dealt with only 6 years of it I know I'm utterly exhausted.
Thank you all for your wishes and kind words. I'm leaving in January and it's going to be very tough but I believe it is the right decision. I need to put me first.
It is such a horrible disease and it's horrible to walk away from a loved one with the disease - but it takes over your life in a way I just can no longer handle.
I was 53 and waited 30 years before I finally decided to leave. My AH died two years after I left him from his disease. He chose to drink over our marriage, which broke my heart because I still loved him, even though I chose to leave him. Sending you my support and hope!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 22nd of December 2016 03:00:05 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 22nd of December 2016 03:00:25 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 22nd of December 2016 06:52:33 PM