I had a situation come up with my boyfriend the other evening and while there is one part of me that is satisfied with how I handled it there is another part that is uncomfortable. Part of me being uncomfortable is the fact I did not want to act out as I had in the past (meaning how I behaved during my marriage) at the same time it's hard to put in different behavior when honestly I have no experience in doing so in an appropriate way.
I'm overly tired, stressed, holidays coming up and so on .. I'm just frustrated at the moment in general. So I am in the middle of HALT big time. Let's not even get into the whole issue of that road trip .. LOL. That was exhausting to a fault 15/16 hours each way I can't believe my girlfriend and I did not kill each other .. LOL .. we have known each other for 43 years which is crazy to think about .. and this is the first time we have spent that much time together in a car no less .. LOL! I'm so glad she went with me.
Anyway, I do owe an amends to my bf and I can live with that .. what I was able to do later was set a boundary that he is not comfortable with which is not my issue, because it's just not about him .. he's going to have to figure things out for himself. I have concerns about his issues with co-dependency and I just can't afford to get sucked into it. What's worse than one codie in a romantic relationship? Two. LOL. So I'm just setting appropriate boundaries so that I can have a safe place to express myself and explore some things I'm feeling and not sure what to do with, at first it did come out in anger .. when I stopped got some sleep and realized that I didn't have to pick up the rope to begin with things got a whole lot clearer which I liked a great deal. I don't have to participate in triangulation, I can set limits that make me feel safe. I can do that in a non-angry way. I can go on with my day without worrying about if all of a sudden he's walking out on the relationship. Now he's never indicated he was walking out .. these are my issues from past significant relationships .. they all left. I am trying to stay in the present and not project that issue going forward .. it's not always easy .. LOL. Even if he does walk out guess what .. I already know I will be ok. It will hurt worse than my X leaving .. I will be left a little more whole if that makes any sense at all. I will be ok. I do think about how that would affect the kids .. you know I can't control that stuff. We are together today and that's where I choose to focus my thoughts. Anyways, I am trying to figure out how to express myself with things that are bothering me in the past I have always just blown up. I don't have any reason to blow up .. lol .. no one deserves to listen to me blow up all because I didn't address my needs sooner. So I only did a mini blow up which was a good thing. Again .. at least it is getting easier to spot at what point I become uncomfortable and I know when it's not ok for me. This was not true before I came into alanon. Used to just be a go alonger .. and stuff all of my feelings which again lead to huge out of control outbursts. They were not fair either .. to anyone involved.
He went to work tonight and if I wanted to I could go and see him. I do frequently on Friday nights however I think tonight I'm going to rest some more .. I can always go tomorrow night and we will have a better time because I will be rested. I think everyone is shocked my children included that I'm just kind of like .. umm no .. I'm fine .. I just am going to relax before bed. I also am proud of myself I didn't totally loose my mind .. just a piece of it .. lol .. a small one .. I hope I can afford it. It just feels good to know it really could have been a whole lot worse and it wasn't.
My poor guy is bouncing around though trying to figure out how to fix this and I keep saying there is nothing to fix .. I did what I needed to do and now I'm just moving forward. I'm hoping that my boundary setting will leak on him and help him redirect in a healthier fashion .. again .. I can't control it I can only model it.
Thanks for letting me ramble .. it was really a long day and I'm very tired .. LOL.
pinkchip said
Dec 17, 2016
Sound like normal relationship issues! Yay! Seriously...life on life's terms. I am glad your bf cares enough to try to "fix" things. That is a plus. You will likely find a happy medium.
Iamhere said
Dec 17, 2016
(((Serenity))) - When I become uncomfortable, it seems no matter how hard I try - the tapes of the past 'want' to play in the present. My brain, which can still be crazy, tends to lean in the direction of, "oh...here we go again - yadayadayada....I have to intentionally pause my thinking and use my tools to realize this is a new situation, with different people, and it can/will be a different outcome!
Good on you for using your tools and setting boundaries. Good on you for recognizing HALT and processing. Relationships are very, very difficult and no two people will ever think, react, act, process, respond, etc. the same. When I remember and hold tight to what is working well, it helps me to see what Pinkchip says is true - these are reasonably normal relationship issues - working on myself helps me move towards a solution I can accept and live with gracefully.
That last word - gracefully - was not a part of my past....at all! It's a word that pops into my mind often in recovery - act with grace and dignity - let kindness prevail. You got this - great job using your program!!!
(((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Dec 17, 2016
How weird to post something so normal compared to the insanity I was living in with my XAH .. Aaannddd my XAH is doing past behavior with my daughter again. This is old behavior where he asks the same question over and over again. It comes in 3s. When I saw him last July I had wondered if he was on script pills because he wasn't tracking .. You know that feeling when you know something is off. I just hate this for her because with my bf it's even more blatant what the kids dad is not doing and how not ok he is. He has no idea that I'm aware of .. she was in town last weekend. She didn't want to deal with him. I'm always amazed as to when his behavior starts. Now I'm going to call it he's going to try to find out who I'm dating this seems to drive him crazy. Whateve it's not my issue. I just feel bad that after 5 years he's still where he was at .. Addiction is a crazy beast.
I had a situation come up with my boyfriend the other evening and while there is one part of me that is satisfied with how I handled it there is another part that is uncomfortable. Part of me being uncomfortable is the fact I did not want to act out as I had in the past (meaning how I behaved during my marriage) at the same time it's hard to put in different behavior when honestly I have no experience in doing so in an appropriate way.
I'm overly tired, stressed, holidays coming up and so on .. I'm just frustrated at the moment in general. So I am in the middle of HALT big time. Let's not even get into the whole issue of that road trip .. LOL. That was exhausting to a fault 15/16 hours each way I can't believe my girlfriend and I did not kill each other .. LOL .. we have known each other for 43 years which is crazy to think about .. and this is the first time we have spent that much time together in a car no less .. LOL! I'm so glad she went with me.
Anyway, I do owe an amends to my bf and I can live with that .. what I was able to do later was set a boundary that he is not comfortable with which is not my issue, because it's just not about him .. he's going to have to figure things out for himself. I have concerns about his issues with co-dependency and I just can't afford to get sucked into it. What's worse than one codie in a romantic relationship? Two. LOL. So I'm just setting appropriate boundaries so that I can have a safe place to express myself and explore some things I'm feeling and not sure what to do with, at first it did come out in anger .. when I stopped got some sleep and realized that I didn't have to pick up the rope to begin with things got a whole lot clearer which I liked a great deal. I don't have to participate in triangulation, I can set limits that make me feel safe. I can do that in a non-angry way. I can go on with my day without worrying about if all of a sudden he's walking out on the relationship. Now he's never indicated he was walking out .. these are my issues from past significant relationships .. they all left. I am trying to stay in the present and not project that issue going forward .. it's not always easy .. LOL. Even if he does walk out guess what .. I already know I will be ok. It will hurt worse than my X leaving .. I will be left a little more whole if that makes any sense at all. I will be ok. I do think about how that would affect the kids .. you know I can't control that stuff. We are together today and that's where I choose to focus my thoughts. Anyways, I am trying to figure out how to express myself with things that are bothering me in the past I have always just blown up. I don't have any reason to blow up .. lol .. no one deserves to listen to me blow up all because I didn't address my needs sooner. So I only did a mini blow up which was a good thing. Again .. at least it is getting easier to spot at what point I become uncomfortable and I know when it's not ok for me. This was not true before I came into alanon. Used to just be a go alonger .. and stuff all of my feelings which again lead to huge out of control outbursts. They were not fair either .. to anyone involved.
He went to work tonight and if I wanted to I could go and see him. I do frequently on Friday nights however I think tonight I'm going to rest some more .. I can always go tomorrow night and we will have a better time because I will be rested. I think everyone is shocked my children included that I'm just kind of like .. umm no .. I'm fine .. I just am going to relax before bed. I also am proud of myself I didn't totally loose my mind .. just a piece of it .. lol .. a small one .. I hope I can afford it. It just feels good to know it really could have been a whole lot worse and it wasn't.
My poor guy is bouncing around though trying to figure out how to fix this and I keep saying there is nothing to fix .. I did what I needed to do and now I'm just moving forward. I'm hoping that my boundary setting will leak on him and help him redirect in a healthier fashion .. again .. I can't control it I can only model it.
Thanks for letting me ramble .. it was really a long day and I'm very tired .. LOL.
Good on you for using your tools and setting boundaries. Good on you for recognizing HALT and processing. Relationships are very, very difficult and no two people will ever think, react, act, process, respond, etc. the same. When I remember and hold tight to what is working well, it helps me to see what Pinkchip says is true - these are reasonably normal relationship issues - working on myself helps me move towards a solution I can accept and live with gracefully.
That last word - gracefully - was not a part of my past....at all! It's a word that pops into my mind often in recovery - act with grace and dignity - let kindness prevail. You got this - great job using your program!!!
(((Hugs)))