I'm new to the boards but an Al-Anon member for over a year. Although I have a sponser, I chose to work my 5th step with "another human being". They are not happy about this and are almost insistant that I do it with them. I proposed this question back in the Spring to another long-time member and they themselves indicated, in front of my sponser, I had the right to choose someone other than my sponser.
They recently brought it up again and I told them even in AA they get to choose "another human being" why can't I? The 5th step is worded exactly the same in both AA & Al-anon so I choose someone other than my sponser. They reminded me they had 30+ years in the program and walked away. This is where I worked my steps by not losing my cool with them.
I understand sharing the 5th step with your sponser is advised but I for me, I simply went another route.
I was also reminded that although I go to open AA meetings once in awhile I am not to intertwine "their program" with "mine" and I don't. I go to hear the stories to remind myself that this is indeed a disease; you couldn't tell me that years ago.
So, was I wrong to not share with my sponser? Am I mis-understanding this step? We are not very close and after making a rash/rush decision in choosing them last year I actually prefer someone else in my home group now. This has been frustrating for me along with some other minor incidents with them I won't go into. (let's just say "I let it go")
Thank you for allowing me to share
KennyFenderjazz said
Dec 16, 2016
Perhaps you should just change sponsors. Then you won't have the problem of not doing your fifth step with your sponsor, assuming the "other human being" is this other person whom you prefer.
Kenny
Iamhere said
Dec 16, 2016
You do have the right to do your 5th step with 'another human being' - I've done them with a sponsor, another with a pastor and yet another with a small group of trusted friends. A sponsor should provide ESH and guidance. Kenny raises a good point above me - perhaps it's time for a new/different sponsor?
I am not digesting how attending open meetings might affect working the Al-Anon program but I am one who believe in any effort to support my own recovery. If that means open AA meetings, so be it. If that means a bible study or weekly church service, so be it. If that means outside counseling, so be it. I would not be where I am at without the wisdom of those who came before me but I'm a bit of a rebel so love that I'm not told 'what to do' but rather given suggestions with the power to select what works for me!
Keep coming back - the program works well when we work it and we're worth it!
MeTwo2 said
Dec 16, 2016
if i had grown a foundation of the first few steps with a sponsee, i would also want them to dump their 5th with me but the 'motive wouldn't be control (for me) my own motive would be that i want them to get the most out of recovery they can with one they have grown the understanding with .. it's part of the committment piece .. i know for me before alanon, i committed to nothing .. a long time i wouldn't choose a home group because that kept me too accountable and my ego wanted nothing to do with that piece . ha .. again 'my own' personal experience .. so please don't misunderstand .. there is no force from this end as i haven't quite heard this piece in this exact way .. of another human being .. i would just want to grow the trust deeper between my sponsee and myself .. my thoughts .. do keep coming back either way .. if there is trust missing in sharing this piece with the sponsor maybe something more is missing .. i like kenny's suggestion of possibly just choosing 'another sponsor because the relationship (trust piece) may not be the same without the 5th .. she or he more than likely had a normal expectation they would be sharing this with you etc .. maybe ? a resentment then .. no scold judgment or opinion in this .. the most important thing is that you are comfortable with who you are sharing with ! wishing you a serene friday ..
hotrod said
Dec 16, 2016
Hi Rider as Kenny suggested it might be a good idea to change sponsors- however you can share your 5th Step with anyone you select.
2HP said
Dec 16, 2016
Sponsorship is meant to be a special confidential relationship. Making a commitment to the relationship... or letting go of the relationship.... is very much a personal choice for both. I was encouraged early on to communicate on a regular basis because she too was helped by the relationship. I believe there is an accountability piece to recovery so I always told my sponsor everything, wanting her to have the full picture. But everyone gets to be as accountable as they want to be.
When I stopped working with a sponsor, I thanked them for all the GOOD. Instead of closing my heart to her, I named the exact things I was grateful for so that they knew I was sincere.... nobody is all bad. however I benefitted from the relationship, I expressed my gratitude for that. whenever I see them around, there are no hard feelings between us. some relationships just don't click, nobody is at fault.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 16th of December 2016 05:43:34 PM
Rider said
Dec 17, 2016
Thank you everyone for the wonderful suggestions. I actually chose them based on the amount of time they had in the program. I do admire and respect this person but unfortunatley over the past year have realized I just can't seem to fully connect with them. I struggle in letting them go because I don't want to hurt their feelings and yet I know in my head what I need to do. I'll lovingly address this after the holidays and let them know I was grateful for their service and no hard feelings but I need to move on. Thank you again and I'll keep coming back :)
Iamhere said
Dec 17, 2016
Rider - most sponsors and sponsees realize nothing lasts forever. If your sponsor is working a good program, they will completely understand. People grow and change and life happens - it's perfectly OK for either to move on at any point in time. The program is about continuous improvement for both - if the relationship becomes stale or more friends than other, it happens.
When I first arrived at 12 Step programs, I was told to look for someone who had what I wanted. Since I was a rough-around-the-edges-wild-young-thing, I chose a very sweet, kind, gentle, godly woman to be my sponsor. She agreed and we started. We quickly (I) learned that perhaps it was not the best fit as I was able to manipulate her and con her - without intending or trying. I next picked a gal who should have been in the military. I do not scare easily and she intimidated me but she worked a great program. While I desperately needed the structured guidance, her raised voice and tone really triggered me from FOO. We (I) again realized this was not a good fit for me as I stopped calling out of fear/intimidation.
I've had a few others between then and now and most have done well, run their course. My most recent sponsor is a golden gift - she's a counselor + AA + Al-Anon. She's soft-spoken but direct. She's got a great sense of humor and even though she's in her 70's, she has no issue when I curse and carry-on. It's been a great fit and I love her dearly. We have another friend that we both reach out to also, and between the 3 of us, we've got almost 140 years of recovery.....it's a marvelous blessing and I am forever grateful.
So do you - find someone you are comfortable crying with and/or laughing with. Someone that you want to call and share the good news as well as the issues. One who you know will listen without judgement and suggest things for you to consider, not boss you around or direct you in decisions. In the meanwhile, as we discussed, 5th step can be with the person you choose.
Please keep coming back -- we love to have new members in the MIP family!!
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the boards but an Al-Anon member for over a year. Although I have a sponser, I chose to work my 5th step with "another human being". They are not happy about this and are almost insistant that I do it with them. I proposed this question back in the Spring to another long-time member and they themselves indicated, in front of my sponser, I had the right to choose someone other than my sponser.
They recently brought it up again and I told them even in AA they get to choose "another human being" why can't I? The 5th step is worded exactly the same in both AA & Al-anon so I choose someone other than my sponser. They reminded me they had 30+ years in the program and walked away. This is where I worked my steps by not losing my cool with them.
I understand sharing the 5th step with your sponser is advised but I for me, I simply went another route.
I was also reminded that although I go to open AA meetings once in awhile I am not to intertwine "their program" with "mine" and I don't. I go to hear the stories to remind myself that this is indeed a disease; you couldn't tell me that years ago.
So, was I wrong to not share with my sponser? Am I mis-understanding this step? We are not very close and after making a rash/rush decision in choosing them last year I actually prefer someone else in my home group now. This has been frustrating for me along with some other minor incidents with them I won't go into. (let's just say "I let it go")
Thank you for allowing me to share
Perhaps you should just change sponsors. Then you won't have the problem of not doing your fifth step with your sponsor, assuming the "other human being" is this other person whom you prefer.
Kenny
I am not digesting how attending open meetings might affect working the Al-Anon program but I am one who believe in any effort to support my own recovery. If that means open AA meetings, so be it. If that means a bible study or weekly church service, so be it. If that means outside counseling, so be it. I would not be where I am at without the wisdom of those who came before me but I'm a bit of a rebel so love that I'm not told 'what to do' but rather given suggestions with the power to select what works for me!
Keep coming back - the program works well when we work it and we're worth it!
if i had grown a foundation of the first few steps with a sponsee, i would also want them to dump their 5th with me but the 'motive wouldn't be control (for me) my own motive would be that i want them to get the most out of recovery they can with one they have grown the understanding with .. it's part of the committment piece .. i know for me before alanon, i committed to nothing .. a long time i wouldn't choose a home group because that kept me too accountable and my ego wanted nothing to do with that piece . ha .. again 'my own' personal experience .. so please don't misunderstand .. there is no force from this end as i haven't quite heard this piece in this exact way .. of another human being .. i would just want to grow the trust deeper between my sponsee and myself .. my thoughts .. do keep coming back either way .. if there is trust missing in sharing this piece with the sponsor maybe something more is missing .. i like kenny's suggestion of possibly just choosing 'another sponsor because the relationship (trust piece) may not be the same without the 5th .. she or he more than likely had a normal expectation they would be sharing this with you etc .. maybe ? a resentment then .. no scold judgment or opinion in this .. the most important thing is that you are comfortable with who you are sharing with ! wishing you a serene friday ..
Sponsorship is meant to be a special confidential relationship. Making a commitment to the relationship... or letting go of the relationship.... is very much a personal choice for both. I was encouraged early on to communicate on a regular basis because she too was helped by the relationship. I believe there is an accountability piece to recovery so I always told my sponsor everything, wanting her to have the full picture. But everyone gets to be as accountable as they want to be.
When I stopped working with a sponsor, I thanked them for all the GOOD. Instead of closing my heart to her, I named the exact things I was grateful for so that they knew I was sincere.... nobody is all bad. however I benefitted from the relationship, I expressed my gratitude for that. whenever I see them around, there are no hard feelings between us. some relationships just don't click, nobody is at fault.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 16th of December 2016 05:43:34 PM
Thank you everyone for the wonderful suggestions. I actually chose them based on the amount of time they had in the program. I do admire and respect this person but unfortunatley over the past year have realized I just can't seem to fully connect with them. I struggle in letting them go because I don't want to hurt their feelings and yet I know in my head what I need to do. I'll lovingly address this after the holidays and let them know I was grateful for their service and no hard feelings but I need to move on. Thank you again and I'll keep coming back :)
When I first arrived at 12 Step programs, I was told to look for someone who had what I wanted. Since I was a rough-around-the-edges-wild-young-thing, I chose a very sweet, kind, gentle, godly woman to be my sponsor. She agreed and we started. We quickly (I) learned that perhaps it was not the best fit as I was able to manipulate her and con her - without intending or trying. I next picked a gal who should have been in the military. I do not scare easily and she intimidated me but she worked a great program. While I desperately needed the structured guidance, her raised voice and tone really triggered me from FOO. We (I) again realized this was not a good fit for me as I stopped calling out of fear/intimidation.
I've had a few others between then and now and most have done well, run their course. My most recent sponsor is a golden gift - she's a counselor + AA + Al-Anon. She's soft-spoken but direct. She's got a great sense of humor and even though she's in her 70's, she has no issue when I curse and carry-on. It's been a great fit and I love her dearly. We have another friend that we both reach out to also, and between the 3 of us, we've got almost 140 years of recovery.....it's a marvelous blessing and I am forever grateful.
So do you - find someone you are comfortable crying with and/or laughing with. Someone that you want to call and share the good news as well as the issues. One who you know will listen without judgement and suggest things for you to consider, not boss you around or direct you in decisions. In the meanwhile, as we discussed, 5th step can be with the person you choose.
Please keep coming back -- we love to have new members in the MIP family!!